|
|
|
|
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:36:03 PM | | My ex and I broke up about two months ago. I think I strengthened his resolve to never call me again by trying to get a better answer out of him. I don't even think he stopped having feelings, and he certainly didn't say that to me, the thing is...he didn't give me a real reason for the breakup. All he said was " I just don't want to be in a relationship". I understand that after a breakup, its best to leave it alone, so I did for awhile, but then I realized that he had not given me a good reason for it. Everything was pretty much perfect to the very end. We were going to try to be friends, and that all went out the window, does anyone have any advice? Should I try to call him in a few weeks and see whats up, how he's doing? Should I just leave it alone? Someone help me here...I can't go a day without thinking about him and I still cry and stuff. I fell in love with the guy, the very first time I ever feel in love. I don't want to give up on it. Maybe he just needed space? Anyway, any and all input is appreciated, I would however like to ask that if you don't have anything helpful/nice to say that you please not respond. Thanks! | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:50:31 PM | If you think he needs space then give it to him. If he cares he will get in touch with you.
The saying "I only want to be friends" thing rarely works. Especially when one (you) admits they are in love with the other.
Does the reason really matter? He could think one thing and tell you another. He told you he didnt want to be in a relationship . That should suffice. Pining him down to a definite reason will not change the outcome.
Move on......if he contacts you....remember...unless he states otherwise, he is calling as a friend. Dont seem needy. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:51:07 PM | Hi - After experiencing 50 years of romances that have gone wrong, that have given 4 kids, that have left me broken-hearted many, many times, I can only say that when this happens, it means God has somebody else better for you. Not to try to sound like Hillary Clinton with all her "experience," but personally, I found the only one that does the best for me, the only one that is always there, that would never break my heart, was me.
I try to erase the thought that if I ever did such-and-such maybe he would like me or take me back--even after almost 23 years of being with someone, he had that gal singing to him in chior in church and decided that god had led him to her, leaving me with 4 kids to raise and her advice was that we were all evil, which is partially true.
What I find is that I try to remember the good parts and take them forward and share whatever it is with someone else, because there are so many people out there that need a bit of kindness, a touch, or whatever you have to give.
You're a great-looking gal, so here's hoping for you the best there is--and if a guy won't give it to you, stay true to yourself would be my advice. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:54:22 PM | well break ups are never easy, i would look at his behaviour toward you, i mean if its ok to still be friends, then mabey i would try that, but if hes been keeping his contact with you to a minimum or none at all, i would follow suit.
if he wants to be left alone, he would leave you alone.
in my opinion, when a man breaks up with me, i leave it at that, it ****ing kills sometimes, but deep down i know.
when your the only one keeping the contact between you two, it can come off as needy and less attractive, only allowing him to think he has made the right choice in breaking up.
dont be scared to be alone, cry, sit in your pjs all week, dont deny your feelings let them happen, and later, i guarantee, you wont want to anymore.
and remember the sun will shine again
<3 | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:03:56 PM | | It is a proven fact that women need closure and men do not(Now don't get all crazy men--not bashing you) Statisically speaking women have a harder time letting go when there was no apparantl reason for the break up. I have been through it and even after 2 years it was still hard to deal with. All I did was waste 2 years for no good reason. SOmetimes there simply is not a reason. However--a man that leaves you for no reason and then comes back--wil only surely do it again. Trust me--this is true | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:15:30 PM | Hey... I went through a situation almost identical to yours. We were in love but it was a long distance relationship because he was in the military and we were doing really good... after about 8 months he just all of a sudden ended the relationship right after talking about getting a house/engaged and it was really out of the blue since we didn't fight and nothing seemed different.
He changed and what he wanted in life changed as well... he said we broke up because he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that he wouldn't want to be in one for a very long time. We continued to talk, but it bothered me that I wasn't a priority in his life anymore, and even if you say you'd be ok just being friends with him... if you're in love with him still, it's going to really suck...I promise. I ended up badgering him for a good reason as to why we broke up and we stopped talking... this was about two years ago and I still think about him daily, I probably always will but I've moved on and have someone new in my life.
It's going to suck for awhile... my suggestion is to leave him alone...if he wants a friendship, he'll come to you...but try to heal your heart first, because going into a friendship when you're still in love is the worst thing for you. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:17:29 PM |
Everything was pretty much perfect to the very end. We were going to try to be friends, and that all went out the window,
My observation is that dispite your statement to the contrary... everything was NOT perfect. Whatever it was, something was not going well from his perspective. Obviously you treid and even being friends is more than you both are capable of right now.
I understand that after a breakup, its best to leave it alone, so I did for awhile, but then I realized that he had not given me a good reason for it.
Take your own advice and leave it alone. Just leave it alone. I honestly believe that you will not be happy with the reason. He apparently could not tell you nor get you to fix the situation when you were together. You obviously do not see ANYTHING wrong with the relationship now. So What do you want to hear? That you were not pretty enough? You were not smart enough? You were an ambarrassment around his friends?
He did not break up with you for any reason that will make everything all better once you hear it. There is no' it's not you, it's all me.'
There is no nice answer. Some times we just don't get the type of closure that we need. I know that it hurts. But you have to eventually (as in soon) pick yourself up and move forward. There are beter days ahead.
God bless | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:53:20 PM | | The heart is a very strange piece of "equipment" that needs to be looked after very,very,carefully. Can i suggest that you look into your heart and remember how good it felt and how it feels now. I know my heart needs a total rebuild now,but it still is in shock at what happened and some pain lingers on. Can i suggest to you that you might pick up on an interest, i know i must do, as i feel frozen inside. Happiness can come from places and events that are totally unexpected, lets find them by giving ourselves a chance. i write this from the heart, because i'm hurting too and can identify a little of what you are going through, take care. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:17:49 PM | It is a proven fact that women need closure and men do not
Nonsense.
Look OP, draw closure to this yourself. You many never get it from your Ex boyfriend and why spend your life wishing for 'should' or 'could'.
Don't hand over your power to anyone as when you do; game over.
As said, draw closure yourself. Feel much more empowered!
Good luck! | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:54:54 PM | I share your feelings , I to am hurting for my ex g/f but I can`t do anything about it so I have to move on. Her reason was I was uncommitting, her feelings weren`t the same as mine,
It`s been almost 6 months and I very much want to contact her but I can`t. Take a look at google on breakups and they all say the same thing, No contact in any form. Maybe God has a plan for you and me and the many thousands of others like us but where does it stop. How many relationships do we have to go through to find the right person. Man, this is tough trying to find a person of the OS.
But how did people do it back 30, 50 , 60 or more years ago? They met at parties, group meetings, church and many others places. So, you must carry on your journey to find the right person for you. It may take a long time.
You know I`ve met many woman and in my late 50s I finally found the person I thought was right for me and she was ,but only for 14 months. So, maybe I have to wait another 50 years LOL but hey I had a relationship longer than anything I had before. Keep moving forward and never look back because you can`t go there anymore. You are going to make it ,trust me | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:01:38 PM | This is a tremendously hard thing to go thru, & I wish I had the perfect answer (which I surely don't.) I DO know that seeking a "why" that will fit in our logical mind can drive ya crazy. Sometimes there just isn't any sensible reason no matter how much we yearn for one.
Now, most people will say 'let it go, don't call him, get on with your life, etc,' & that's certainly the mature, responsible thing to do. Doesn't mean you have to do it. Will calling him make you feel better or help repair the relationship? Almost certainly not. But, even tho it sounds paradoxical, sometimes we have to suffer more in order to suffeer less. As long as we hold out hope we can somehow "fix" it, we suffer. If you really feel you must call him, do it & get it over with. We can't be done with grieving til we give up hoping & we can't give up hoping til we do what we must. I find I sometimes have to run repeatedly into the same brick wall beforte I can get it thru my thick head that I'm just not in control of other people.
There's a lot of energy in being deeply in love (not New Agey, mystical energy, I'm talking pure biochemistry here.) It's got to go someplace. You're going to hurt no matter what you do. If a futile, desperate effort helps to dissipate it, why not?
I know it doesn't seem like it, but brighter days ARE ahead. I hope with all my heart the time comes quickly for you when you can remember how fantastic it was to be in love, & how lucky you are to be able to feel so deeply & celebrate it for the amazing life-changing adventure it is. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:07:46 PM | This is a really painful situation to be in. When we become involved with someone and care about them, we can't disentangle our souls just like that. He either wasn't feeling as strongly as you from the start or gradually felt less involved and you only knew about it when he presented you with a fait accompli, so to speak. If he gave you reasons, they would probably be rationalisations, e.g. could be criticisms that are only small things that really aren't relevant because the main problem is that he fell out of love. You don't really need these sort of reasons. We can all come up with those, no matter how much we love someone, so they wouldn't help.
I think we naturally seek reasons for everything because our survival as a species depends on us understanding what happened when things go wrong, so that we don't end up in the same dangerous situation again. In this case, you might have to accept you won't ever understand and that it's OK not to understand - it's just him, his feelings, his idea of love or whatever, and ultimately you happened to be the one who was on the receiving end of it. It could have been anybody. You loved him and were sincere.
The most helpful things that people said to me when I was in a similar situation, were: 'he's not the person you thought he was' , 'whatever you think of him, just remember he's let you down really badly', and 'do you really want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who would do this to you?'. They were right. What would have happened further along the line had it continued? Better to find out sooner rather than later what someone is really made of. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/4/2008 7:32:57 PM |
All he said was " I just don't want to be in a relationship".
I think you should email him and give him a choice of reasons that you think would be a "good reason" for him to break up with you. Let him pick one and you'll have your "good reason."
I fell in love with the guy, the very first time I ever feel in love. I don't want to give up on it. That is why you "still cry and stuff." Not because he didn't give you a good reason, but because it was your first love and you don't want to give it up. Suffering has more to do with our desires than what others say or do. I believe the Buddha became "enlightened" when he thought of that. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:24:51 PM | My wife, after almost seven years of marriage, had an affair (for no reason), got caught, moved in with him and divorced me.
The CLOSEST I have ever come to a reason why is a friend of ours saying that she divorced me because she was tired of hurting me. WTF?
Sometimes you don't get an answer. It sucks because some people need closure. They need to know why. And sometimes, there just isn't any answer.
Wish I could be more positive or give you something more than a "welcome to the club" pat on the back. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:25:02 AM | Ok, here it goes...this is the hard part first he said " I just don't want to be in a relationship" I've heard that before too and the truth is what he meant was "I just don't want to be in a relationship with you". Here's what I did when I finally figured out that he left out the last two words, I cried incessantly till my tear ducts dried up, I drank way too much, I didn't sleep much, I took to taking late night walks in any kind of weather, I sang every sad song I could find in my CD collection, and every nerve in my body felt raw and exposed. None of the above was helpful, some of it was downright dangerous, so one night (and you'll have this night too) I simply surrendered to the idea that he was gone (even though he lived one block down and at the time we worked for the same company). Once I stopped concentrating on "him" I began to hear that inner voice (you know the one we rarely listen to), but I did listen and it led me to an old passion, which led me to new friends, which also led me to a new place to live, and a new place to work. I thought my summer was shot to hell that year, but it actually turned out to be the best summer I've ever had with experiences I wouldn't trade for anything or anyone. So here's my best advice (which I usually charge for), concentrate on the good things in your life, be grateful for the people that "are in your life", cherish your memories and keep your heart open (hard but necessary). Spoil yourself at least once a week, keep a gratitude journal (cheesy but it works), give to someone else and you will get it back in spades. In short, do things that make you feel good and you will draw to you the people, places and events that will facilitate healing.
So take a deep breath and .......surrender, something much much better is just down the road. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:41:22 AM |
Everything was pretty much perfect to the very end
It wasn`t for him or he would still be living the perfect life.Leave him alone and move on.He doesn`t have to give you a reason. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:07:13 AM | | was it perfect or was it perfect for you .if you step back and look at your relationship .you may have been getting what you wanted out of the relationship ,but were you giving him what he needed,were you bossy or nagging all the time ,were you giving him space to do things to do things that he enjoyed but you didnt .i swear people wont understand its not about getting everything you want out of a relationship but also what you give to a relationship. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:10:15 AM | | Don't call him, I'm telling you, I am doing the same thing. My boy friend broke up with me Sunday after a year of dating. The problem is I work with him. I am so tired of crying & hurting. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:13:59 AM | | Men have a different way of looking at things as us girls do. They don't experience the emotions that we do. They don't think the way we think. They don't fret or worry or ponder about things like we do. Same as in breaking up, they don't want a commitment (often) and so they are off and doing their own thing, dating others, being the free man. Yes, it hurts BUT you have to get past that one and there are other nicer blokes out there and one day you'll find one. He did you a favour because had he stayed around, things would not have been how you wanted them to be, you'd have got disillusioned because he wasn't giving you what you want and then maybe it would have been You that told him to go away. So now you are free girl again, you can do what You want, take up a new interest, meet new friends, enjoy, don't look too hard, it will happen when you least expect it. Dry those tears and have fun without him. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:30:34 AM | op.... i know your hurting... and you want contact..heck the whole thing back... but reality?......... he dosent....... maybe he needs space?........
if he needs space .... calling him... will only alienate him more.....and steelen his resolve.......
yes you want closure.. i understand... but calling him...... most call after break ups b/c they want to try change the mind of the other person...or just contact.. whether positive or negative...
reality?..... the time you spent together..(i couldnt see how long?)..... his feelings about you?............. are within him............... if you dont contact........ you give him a chance to feel... and miss you...... only someone else can change their own mind....
hope that makes sense...
smiles/peace | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:43:53 AM | Rejection is just a gift from God and you don't realize it. Thank God that he/she saved you for a better relationship and a better life.
Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?
You thought everything was going to be okay as friends. He did not. He has reasons even if he does not want to share them.
Do not become the most unattractive person which is the stalker. He will look at you with fear and loathing.
You probably think you could change something about your relationship to make it work. WRONG.
Its over. He is gone. And that is the way its supposed to be. Move on. If you are depressed, no one new is going to be around you.
And you will not notice any new interesting guys.
So remember, a happy person is very attractive. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:48:54 AM | I think you should DATE as many different men as you can't in the nest three months. Only one date per man! Tell these men what you are actually doing of course! Honesty with them, and with yourself , is important.
At the end of that time see how you feel about both your ex and the other men you have dated.
Do you want more than one date with any of the new men you've met? Then date them again. By that time you will probably have forgotten your ex. If you still want him back them you will have to clear the air some. But you are still expecting him to come out with some "perfect" reason for the initial break up. Thats not going to happen. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:08:43 PM | | hi my name is jeremy and i too am single so here it is for you all you need to know about most men in a break up . we tend to keep things bottled up and not say to much about the reason we want out of a relationship.Alot of that comes from temptaion and the other is just plain out stuipidity.So the reason he is the way he is may not have a thing to do with anything that you have done or said.Rember men think with one of two brains at a time.one works and the other is stupid.Live your life and become the best person you can be for you and leave him and stupid to them selves. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:26:51 PM | | As a guy, let me tell you this. I personally think that there is someone else. There must be. Why? If you didn't have a knock down, drag out fight. There should be no reason to split up. I know the pain....most of us do. You will feel bad & have regret, sure. You will be lonely & want to pick up the phone. Be strong. It will pass. Occupy your time w/ friends. | |
|
| Broken Hearted...need advice, please?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:29:28 PM | I think you shouldn't do anything; I think deep down inside you dont want to lose contact because you still think there is a chance. I think you should move on and not do anything. He doesn't want to be together, he does care for you as a friend, but you need to move on.
You are only 21 and there will be other guys. Again, move on. Its so hard but its the best for you I think. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
