| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:20:35 PM | | I've developed a wonderful online friendship with a guy and have only just met him after 3 months of emails because I thought that's all I wanted from him and we live quite a long way apart (over 3 hours drive). He came to visit me and I didn't expect anything from the meeting but it went brilliantly, very attracted to him and him to me and we're meeting in a couple of weeks, I'm travelling closer to him. He's texting/calling every day and seems to really like me and I'm very excited (distance is a problem but not a huge one to both of us). Trouble is, I'm already feeling insecure and if he doesn't text me at least twice a day or he doesn't reply to a text within 5 minutes of me sending him one, I start wondering if he's got cold feet. If a day went without a text, I'd probably totally panic and assume the worst and then obsess about whether I should contact him or not. I've still got this thing that men should do most of the pursuing and I shouldn't show my interest too strongly. I'm already turning into a nervous wreck over a guy I barely know and wish I could keep things cool. This would probably be understandable behaviour in a 16 year old but I'm 50 for godsake! Help!! | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:29:31 PM | lorelie, the problem doesn't lie within who should be the pursuer, rather in why you are feeling so insecure.
Is this usual behaviour for you? If not, you could just either be really, really nervous, or too insecure in yourself to think he can handle being a one woman man with that kind of distance between you, if a relationship were to begin.
Saw that happen to a friend of mine - it almost ended the relationship, she was only a hairs width from driving him away with her behaviour. Thankfully he's a communicator. They still live a 5 hour drive apart, but were able to work it out.
Good luck.
hnh
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:31:17 PM | I wonder why you're quite controlling.
My advice is; try to take a step back from it all and relax if you can.
The very thing you're fearing ( losing him etc ) you're creating. What I mean is, if you keep up all this behavior, it'll be guaranteed he'll slip right out of your hands and walk away.
Desperation and instability are huge turn offs. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:36:45 PM | Aw hon, don't let the distance bother you.
Calm your nerves by thinking positive !
It may simply be that he is the best you have met in a long while.
A needle in that proverbial hatstack.
Try to remember he does have a life as well.
It's not like when you were a teen and had few if any responsibilities.
My theory is trust him until proven otherwise.
Best of luck with this.  | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:38:15 PM |
I'm already turning into a nervous wreck over a guy I barely know and wish I could keep things cool.
You can keep things cool, you're just not wanting to. The only control we ever truly have is self control, you're letting your feelings screw with your head.
Take it a day at a time. If he doesn't call or text for a day or so, find something to absorb your attention and let it be. You're being way too clingy if you demonstrate to him he'll likely drop you and run.
You barely know him, there is no promise or guarantee of any future. You may find some incredible dealbreaker in a few months and want to drop and run yourself.
It you want to act like an insecure teenager, that's your choice. If you think you have no control over yourself, then you're the only one you're fooling.
I think the gentleman in question would appreciate a mature woman much more. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:40:20 PM | | Unfortunately hugs n' kisses this is pretty normal behaviour for me, has nothing to do with my gut feelings for him, he's given me no reason to feel uncomfortable yet. Almost seems like I'm trying to sabotage it. He's even said that any time I feel like a chat, I should just send a text and he'll phone me right back. I'd love to have the confidence to do that, but I just don't! | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:43:23 PM | My last girlfriend was like that. If ONE day went that I did not call or text or e mail she was thinking the relationship was over.....or I was having a change of heart when nothing could have been further from the truth but it did not matter...... Always assuming the worst. Always overanalyzing every little thing. Insecure people like your self need constant reinforcement....... it is just the way your brain is wired regardless if your 15 or 50.
What is going to happen if you two get seriously involved ? Are you going to be able to handle the fact that you will only see each other on weekends OR maybe two weekends a month ? Your insecurity will really kick in and you will always be wondering/worrying what he is doing when you are not there or wondering if he is with another, and on and on and on and on........ better think about that....... ya know the ol saying.....measure twice....cut once.....
Hope it all works out for you two.
Peace | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:03:25 PM | | I really don't know that falling for a man when a woman is 50 is much different than when she was 16. The "right" chemistry can sure make a person feel young and totally alive. You sounds pretty normal to me. However, it's in your best interest to get a handle on your emotions because of the newness of it all and not knowing much about one another. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:56:52 PM |
men should do most of the pursuing and I shouldn't
First off, you have too many "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Period. Get rid of them. Accept that what is IS.
Almost seems like I'm trying to sabotage it.
Bingo. You hit the nail on the head. You ARE sabotaging it. Now that you're aware of it, just stop doing it. It may not "seem" natural to you because it's not. It's not your normal M.O.. It's like a new dance step. It won't feel right until you integrate it into your personality. But realizing that you are sabotaging it shows a hellova lot of insight. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:01:14 PM | I feel sorry for you because you probably can't change. But I don't know you so... who am I to say. I do know that if you don't "get a grip", it'll get worse. Think you feel bad now?
I dated someone a little while ago who couldn't "get a grip". Too bad because I really liked her a lot. No amount of consoling/convincing/attention/reassuring was enough. It just got worse and worse until I had to stop seeing her. The constant "do you love me", "I'm sorry", "I don't want to lose you" (the absolute worst), "why didn't you call me today"(with accompanying tears) drove me freaking nuts. I can still remember her standing in the kitchen and shaking. "This fell out of your pants pocket. Who's number is this?". Well paper doesn't just "fall" out of my pockets. Let me tell you, backing out of that relationship wasn't pretty. I'm still on sabbatical.
I'll say this again because it's important -Get A Grip. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:03:13 PM | | Hey you have identified the problem, now it is time to take the next step and DO WHAT IT TAKES TO FIX IT!! ne responder said it perfectly. Just relax... Yeah I know, easier said than done. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:03:39 PM | you used the words 'brilliantly, very attracted, really like and very excited' in the first part of your post, and then the words 'insecure, totally panic, assume the worst, obsess and nervous wreck' in the next part.
i think when you feel all those wonderful things, your mechanism is not to trust it. not only that, you say you just can't contact him to show your interest - or even text him to ask him to call you.....so with that mindset, you are completely at his mercy to control this relationship.....no wonder you are obsessing and a nervous wreck!!
it's time to wake up to your own power. you say you want to keep things cool (in yourself)....so as bucsgirl says, decide to do that! you really have the power to control your emotions and to take responsibility for your part of this new and budding connection.
honestly, if you're having so many difficulties now at just the very beginning of something promising, what is going to happen if you continue to like each other?? you're going to have to get on top of yourself, op, and face your fears.....and then act from your new found strength. it is what you wish for.....so do it. and taking lots of deep breaths and relaxing whenever you feel that anxiety rising will help!!! take all your 50 years of wisdom and apply it now. and act from that place. not only are you at mercy to his actions now, but to your own fears. so again, no wonder you're panicking.
essence - your title says it all - you say you're acting like a teenager - so stop acting - it's not real. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:21:44 PM | | Wow!!! You need to get a grip. That could just completely blow it. You feel insecure within 5 minutes if he doesn't reply? You can't go a day without him texting you? It sounds like you are aware this is a problem. I agree. It is normal to feel a little anxienty; but, this is over the top. If I was you I would manage that anxiety it could ruin things and it must make you miserable. Try to involve yourself with a hobby or something so you are not so focused on him. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:34:48 PM | Congratulations on finding someone that has you a bit unglued. No matter how old we get or how good we feel about ourselves, when we start to want something to work with someone because we really do like them, sometimes the 12-year-old stuff just surfaces.
If I run into this with me, I try to remember that even if things do not work out, this man has been a wonderful friend, you are enjoying something beyond that, and he has helped you to grow as a person. You are fifty but you have another thirty years to enjoy being with someone, so you have time to let things unfold naturally.
And finally, he is not the last man on the planet. Should things not work out, you will survive and maybe know something more about yourself the next time around. Having the feelings and the teenage jitters is fine, just try to occupy your mind elsewhere. I think once you get to the point that you are in a relationship, you will find yourself thinking a bit more like a 50-year-old. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:39:06 PM | | My advice would be to keep busy,and persue things that interest you.When the two of you do have a chance to talk,youll have tons of interesting tidbits to add to the conversation.The fuller your life is on its own,the less youll be resting your happiness on another person,which could be where your insecurity stems from in the first place. Your confidence will build when your own life is fulfilling in and of itself, with or without a romantic relationship.If I was dating a guy who expected me to text him twice a day or within 5 minutes,we wouldnt be dating for long.The busier and more involved you are with friends,family,and your own hobbies,the less time youll have to waste obsessing over whether a man likes you or not. Most adults have hectic lives and texting someone back within 5 minutes isnt always feasible.If the two of you truly hit it off and hes feeling the connection too,you have nothing to worry about.Relax and enjoy your own life,as well as the times you do get to spend with the new man in your life..Good luck OP:)Kat | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:14:37 PM | | Lorelie67 after reading all these threads..comments, shoulda, woulda, coulda's. It comes down to one thing..you ARE all that and a bag of chips or he wouldnt have chose you. You're special and he cut you from the heard..Because of this fact. Dont ever lose sight of that..You dont NEED him, y'all enjoy one another's company and before you actually met things were ok..yall were friends..and still are. COMMUNICATE to this hunk of a man your feelings, as it appears he will do too. Life shows us we can bring ON negitive by thinking negitive. Best of luck to you Sugar, and he..communicate to him and he to you. be honest and strong. THATS who this man digs. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:21:12 PM |
Congratulations on finding someone that has you a bit unglued.
That "unglued" feeling can sometimes make you think and do crazy stuff.
Stop examining everything, stop analyzing everything, take a deep breath and just go with the flow. Enjoy the moments and don't worry about the next one or what's ahead.
And when you feel the craziness creeping in....just go and do something to relax and get a grip...like a bubblebath by candlelight with some nice soothing music....works for me! | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:21:13 PM | He is just a man geez!
Settle down woman youse wants to scare him off? Do ya? Huh? Just enjoy the fantasy it all changes after you get to know them. No wait I meant to say...stop sabotaging yourself!!
Enjoy the feelings...they are great no??? | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:41:49 PM | Ehhh...not to be a wet blanket...but it's "giddy" because it's new.
You barely know him...your words. So your jury should be out..once you know him better, you may be all butterflies...and wooo. Your outlook could change totally, if you can't accept that, then you're not in touch with reality.
Your head's in the clouds, the feelings are great, euphoric. Like a good friend of mine says (I've learned so MUCH from him) BE in the moment.
When you get an email from him, when he calls, savor that and enjoy it. But frame it as that's now, we can only live in the present. Noone can predict the future.
Ehh...I give this speech at work so often...and they always tell me, I'm the sane one!! Worry is such a drain...it'll sap your energy and strength and keep you from enjoying what is now.  | |
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