| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:59:43 PM | Hi I was just wondering. I had breast cancer 5 years ago I'm 39y/o. I had to have a surgery that left me with a scar. Would it scare a man away if he knew that I had cancer in the past? There is always the possibility that it could come back. Should I disclose this information? If so when should I do it. Otherwise I think I have a lot to offer. I'm educated, considered attractive and emotionally, financially and physically secure.
I was conversing with a guy on POF. We seem to be hitting it off exchanging messages several times a day. When I disclosed this information he didn't respond to my last message for several days and eventually wished me luck in finding someone.
Am I paranoid? Or did I scare off the fish? | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:13:24 PM | | I honestly don't think you need to disclose your medical history to someone you are dating. If dating turns into a relationship, then you may want to have that discussion. It will all be revealed in time, don't feel you need to rush it. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:16:06 PM | ebony...is this the kind of man you would want to spend time with? Just the thought that something may not be "perfect" he runs
Seems pretty shallow to me....Not the kind of man I would want thats for sure
There will come a time in everyones life that we need moral support ....think I would want a man that stood beside me JMO
Im glad the cancer is gone and pray it doesnt return | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:20:42 PM | Ebony,
I was diagnosed with cancer a while back. When I told my then boyfriend I was dumped on the spot. When this happened many of my male friends came and callled him all kinds of names, but the point is you can't know until you're in the situation. Men have th same fears as women especially if they care about someone. Reoccurance? Death? I wouldn't worry about the scar though, thats not a big deal for most men. I'd stay pretty open with anyone I was dating, that is what I do, I right away let them know all of the bad so they can choose to run early before my feelings get hurt. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 7:14:18 PM | | I have a cardiac pacemaker that affects my energy level quite a bit. I have had to slow down tremendously in the last 10 months. My b/f had a larygectomy for throat cancer 3 yrs ago. He has he's condition on his profile and I told him about my condition right away. It didn't matter to either of us. Some people will be bothered by prior or current health issues and others won't. I always let the men know immediately since my activity level was affect. In your case, I don't think it should even be an issue. I've had a hysterectomy, appendectomy and many other 'ectomies' that I don't advertise. A lumpectomy is just one of those. You've made it to the 5 year mark and Hurray for You!!! Congratuations!! | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:35:28 PM | All of us can and will have health problems of some sort down the road.
I'd be far more interested if somebody had a communicable disease then something like cancer....
If the cancer is benign, then I wouldn't worry about that too much. Anybody who gets all in a know over it ain't worth knowing anyhow.... | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:38:37 PM | I'm all for disclosure. If people cannot deal with the truth, it is their problem, not yours!
Some people are weak, you'll be better off with the other kind, people like you.
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:40:19 PM | Exactly....what Time4 said...
Don not let this jerk get you down.....it's better that you discovered this about hime sooner than later...
What will HE do...pray tell, if he ever gets cancer.... | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:56:46 PM | Your better to find out now than farther down the track if his a keeper or not.
Most women have had surgery myself in cluded.
The C word does scare some people. Hang in there a nice man would stand beside you.
Congrats clear 5 years wwwwwwwooooooooo you go girl.    | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:48:42 PM | | Thanks for the words of encouragement. You are right anyone can get cancer. Especially with all the chemicals and stuff in the environment. Karma is a big thing. I also realize all guys can't handle it. | |
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tgj48
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Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 12 | |
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/5/2008 7:17:40 PM | | Not at all, You are who you are and not whatever medical condition you have or ever had. I dated a lady for 6 months who had MS. She told me one week after I met here. It was not even an issue as we had a great time. It was another issue that caused us to stop seeing each other. Only a jerk would not accept you for you. So the right guy will not care about your cancer and how it affected you, he will love you for you. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/5/2008 7:55:36 PM | hi op... firstly congrads on fighting a battle and coming out alive ...like any good warrior you got a battle scar....
Thing is.. we see our imperfections or perceived imperfections....(I think you are focussing too much on what you might consider others seeing as an imperfection)..
HOw many guys have I known with a scar?.... then tells a really great story on how he got that scar? ( my bro has a scar runs around his chest to under his arm... looks like a shark bite... he used to tell everyone ohh yer the shark was coming at me blah blah.... ..he actually got it from a motorcycle handle going through his side/chest.... after everyone is amazed at the shark story in typical aussie fashion.. he admits ok a motorcycle bit me... we laugh.. scar is not a hinderance.. the thing is if he was self concious.. hed never take his shirt off etc)
All bodies are imperfect.............Humans need to stop comparing their bodies... and learn to love/accept theyre own... you are unique just enjoy you...
theyre will always be someone with a better body than you.. and someone with a worse body than yours......
reality is you get 1 life........ this is your life...... I donot know your scar... but I do understand why you feel this way......but.. HOw you see your scars .... (as in fear.or ugly) you will project......
ONe of the nicest things ive heard a guy say re woman with stretch marks is.... they look like natural tattoos...mother tattoos..
tribes.... used to wear scars proudly.. they defeated death... it marked strength/courage..
tattoos.... once of tribal... spoke of things.. they meant something...
so If you feel better wearing lingerie only.. rather than reveal a scar... so be it..... if you choose to decorate your breasts with glitter makeup...... over your scars.. so be it...
but learning to accept who you are....... loving you.......
look at every comedian......
who has physical attributes.. others might find unattractive.. they accept/deal with it... others feel comfy with them...( b/c they relax others about them...)
we have 1 comedian in oz... hes got cerable palsy... hes opened up that... laughs at his limitations... etc... man...... im in town 1 day.. heard a gf say she slept with him... why?. cause his so called diasability.. isnt noticable b/c he accepts the limitations/laughs at them. so others are relaxed.) b/c truthfully woman do love to laugh.. although he cant use 1 whole side of his body... hes so funny/entertaining etc.. its not foccussed on ..
where ive known others so sensitive/insecure/fearful of their faults... people stay away b/c they project... tread carefully vibes..)
anyone can get cancer at any time.......
your profile is here for friends........ get out there... stop fearing cancer returning.... its nooones business you have had cancer or a scar...... until it gets too deep with someone... as in ... love/respect/feelings/bonding...
ONCE AGAIN>>> ANYONE CAN GET CANCER AT ANY TIME>....
noooe should expect someone to be there in sickness and in health to death do us part.... until they bonded/ committed.. to such vows....(love is that vow.. a committed love)
go out.... be friends .....embrace life (empower you)....... do what you need to do to feel good about you(maybe wear lingerie)... until you feel good totally naked...
heads up hun?... it can takes years for some woman to feel good about their bodies...scars or not... cancer or not........ we have to get over being programmed we are less than....or compare..
no ...... is my answer..... there is no need to tell anyone (until they belong in your private inner circle...)
... just for you to stop fearing its return and learn to be you..... to the fullest... by the time your comfortable living .. in your body fully alive....... others will enjoy you so much.... they can deal with such depthness as it goes....
all relationships are steps....... they grow.. if truly alive/spirit/love...
and so will yours..
wttgg warrior woman....... congrads on being a fighter.... live your life to the fullest hun...
smiles/peace | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:49:05 PM | Not to the person you want to have fall in love with you.
I had a wonderful experience when I was around 27. I was asked by a cook at the camp I was at to help a friend of hers who was older and sick but needed help throwing up hay for her livestock. As the cook was 57 I just had to help her older friend. Since the pace of free labour can be slow at times with all the gratefulness that was given with coffe, lemonade, cookies and muffins - there was plenty of time to talk. She was tall, attractive, humourous lady with an insight into life I had not experienced before. Her manner and presence was wonderful to me. She had presented no pretense and presented an acceptance that I have been looking for since. She was 90 and died shortly thereafter. As I discoverd later the friend was dying of cancer. I did not inquire as to what type.
I have told this story a number of times. I have told my friends that if she was 60 I probably would have married her. She carried a lifetime of scars that were very visible and came from a hard life - and a happy, fulfilling one. Her attractiveness was from wearing those scars well. She was not ashamed or embarassed about them when I met her. She was proud and pleased of the role they played in her life.
I have been fortunate to have been cancer free thus far in my life. I have scars but none that you would notice. However the person who rejects me because of my chipped tooth, my lopsided chin, acne scars, ..etc... is certainly someone that I do not want to spend my life with. What if they were like that and I got the scar 5 years from now. I would prefer to be alone rather than live with the insecurity of rejection by someone that didn't really love me. Honour and respect yourself by hanging in there for the person who loves you for who you are. You may reveal some other flaw that they can't live with - that is their misfortune and not yours. You will know when it is right to tell them. In the right persons hands it won't matter. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:54:15 PM | Know you dont need to tell right away but before it gets serious you should infrom them.
I nursed my wife thur a terimal illness and i would have to thin hard and long if i wanted to go thur that again, now if i did meet some one and they got that way i would never leave them its not in my nature. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:31:53 PM | I went out with a girl once (well, twice) who was just dumped by her boyfriend because she had cancer and he told her she was 'broken'. Didn't bother me that she had cancer.
But we didn't really hit it off and she's back with her original boyfriend anyway.
I guess to some people its scary, but its like anything else in life that can come at a moment's notice through no or little fault of your own. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:03:32 AM | Thank You Paw,
yes cancer has changed me similar to your friend. It has put life into perspective in many ways. Battles I used to fight I realize are no longer worth arguing about. I have become more honest and less fearful, after all when I have stared the possibility of death in the face and kept stepping what else in the world could really scare me? | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:48:32 PM | | Plenty of people have beaten cancer and want to get on with living again.. Plenty more sickly people are desperate to find a partner because they are terrified of dying alone. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:54:15 PM | the fishies shouldn't care about you having had cancer sweety, if they do, they aren't worth the troubles;)
no one can help having cancer, beating it is an accomplishment NEVER to be scowled at! | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:04:38 PM | I still havent officialy beaten it.
The docors has said that the surgery was succesful but I'm in for kemo and radio in the next month. | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:37:51 PM | I once again, have to agree!
I'm 23. Was diagnosed at the begining of '08 with a very rare, agressive and deadly form of cancer. Ask me how quickly my friends bailed on me, upon hearing this...
Some people just don't know how to handle it. I say good riddance to those people! It takes a remarkable amount of courage and strength to face something like cancer, and anyone who can't acknowledge and appreciate this in another person, isn't the kind of friend or lover I want!
I think it's great to remind yourself of what you have accomplished in just being here. I know what it's like to face it, and I know what it's like to beat it. Don't let anyone take that feeling away from you, with their own insecurities in the situation. You lived through it...that should be enough for them!
Cancer can happen to anyone, at any time, in any stage of health. I certainly would not blame a person, nor would I think of them as undatable for being one of the unlucky ones affected by it. That's just silly.
Good luck with the chemo and radiation, crayonzz! I just finished my 6th and final round of chemo on the 23rd of May, and am half way through my radiation! | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:09:14 PM | Hell no,
I was, and technically am still married to a survivor. We are separated now, and perhaps my perspective can he helpful. I loved my ex, and I loved her when she went thru cancer. The strength it takes, to survive is tremendous. If I love someone, a scar or fake breasts will not make any difference. However, there are other changes besides.
Many times a survivor feels like life is short, and often want to change their lives once they are healthy. Eating healthy, staying fit is very important. The stronger you are physically, the more you can survive. I am not a survivor, so I cannot speak for the emotional side. We are not asking about how I felt, but devestated and worried come to mind.
However, if a woman is thrust into surgical menopause. It is a miserable experience for the women, and intimacy is just not very fun. Sex can be painful, and the women can be going thru non stop hot flashes....or stomach problems due to the radiation therapy, and chemotherapy.
I do not put conditions on relationships. I would simply support my friend/lover the best I could. With lots of understanding, and in my case lots of cooking. The world is full of what I call Seinfild's.....picky, selfish, self-absorbed, impersonal and unlike Seinfeld, not even funny. I wish you lots of luck with your radiation Lucretia,there is a a salve sold in Placerville. It is supposed to be the bomb, in relation to the burning from the radiation. I can get the info, for anyone interested. My ex and I are friends, so I just pick up the phone! Crayonzz, good luck with your chemo, I can hook anyone up with my ex, if they want to talk. We are both doing volunteer work for survivors, and are always willing to help.
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:18:06 PM | | I was to wed a gal who thought her cancer went away...YYet I stood by her VA bed for 6 weeks until she passed on. I knew i could go when she finally found out. I loved her and stayed. Her family and friends told me after that she had a better life with me, then without. For me, I loved her. That's what counted......:-} | |
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| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:28:23 PM | | i would say ifv you got serious like marriage AND WANTED kids then it should definatly be discussed its his life to raise them god forbid anything happenned to you , i hope you are eating an anti cancer diet and vitamin regimen dear , best of health to you | |
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