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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 7:42:01 PM | Hi, I'm looking for some advice on a weird situation I'm in... its a long story, so I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules with this post and that you'll be patient enough to read it...
There's this woman at work who kept sending me signals since a few days after she started working with us. In the beginning it was fun and I returned them, but then I found out she had a boyfriend... so I didn't react to her signals anymore.
I have to tell you that I was at that time a happy single for 13 years, by my own choice, until she came along. When I first talked to her I got this weird feeling for her like she was something special, and as I got to know here better I fell in love with her... it went up to the point that when she was there I felt good, and when she left I actually felt miserable! Then when I found out about the boyfriend, I was shocked and immediately kept my distance as a similar situation to this drove me to start being single 13 years ago, only I was the boyfriend at the time and the other guy wasn't keeping his distance... that drove her nuts and she intensified what she was doing; even started sending me messages on my cell phone and calling me in the weekends / evenings. She then told me she fell in love with me, and she was a bit ashamed about that as she had been in a monogamous relationship for years until she met me.
She then told me her relationship was not going well for close to a year already, and she wanted to end it... I told her that if she thought about it that way she should do that, but not involve me as what was going on in her relationship was none of my business! She told me she was afraid of causing someone a lot of pain, and also of being alone.
She talked to me a lot then, and at one point her boyfriend broke up with her as she told him she was in love with someone else (me); she practically came running to me as soon as they had split up, but I held her off... told her she needed to take her time and process everything that happened first. The next weekend we went shopping together, then watched a movie, just as friends & colleagues as I emphasized to her.
She intensified her signalling and tried to get closer to me again, then I talked to her and we agreed we should take it slow, that she still needed to process what had happened first. A few days after that the boyfriend came back to her, crying and blaming her she didn't give him a fair chance and putting a guilt trip on her about how mean she had been acting, asking her to please come back to him... and she went back to him, as she said she had to try and save their relationship and he was right about not giving him a chance. She also told him about going to the movies with me, and he immediately hated me of course as in his mind I was the guy he almost lost his girlfriend to.
I had previously met the guy once for about 30 seconds as her colleague from work, and she told me he went nuts after I was gone and they had a fight about me... apparently she didn't tell him any details about me before he saw me and he was pretty upset after he had met me. I didn't understand his reaction, I didn't do anything wrong so why would he get so upset with me?
But as we work together I still saw her every day, and within a few days after they got back together she started signalling me again... I got pretty mad at her, told her she had clearly made her choice and she should stop doing that. "But I just want to be good friends with you!" she said, and even though I tried to make her understand that I thought that was not apropriate and she shouldn't do that to her boyfriend, she didn't understand and started trying even harder. They are living together, and she now has his permission to be friends with me, (I told her I would not be her friend behind her boyfriends back, she should have him agree thats she could be friends with me so his feelings wouldn't get hurt, and only after he was okay with it I'd consider being friends again!) so we can go see a movie and have a meal together every now and then; he works weekends and the both of us work weekdays; her interests are very similar to mine, his are not so she can't go see a movie she likes with him anyway as he'll walk out after the first 30 minutes or so she told me... it had been the cause of several arguements between them in the past.
Recently I went out to the local pub area, and she dragged her boyfriend over there to come looking for me and keep me away from other women... I was slightly drunk at the time, so I went with them to a pub they went to often and spent the rest of the evening with them, just talking and drinking. I didn't know she actually came looking for me, thought 'I go out for once and then they show up... is the world really that small?'; she only told me that she came there on purpose looking to keep me away from other women a few days later. Her poor boyfriend has no idea about that either... she just dragged him there stating 'we're going out tonight!'
A few days after that she told me she realised she made the wrong choice, that she went back to him because he cried and was in so much pain at the time. She said she felt sorry for him then, and misunderstood that feeling for love... and only now found out it did not last and she made a big mistake. She then continued to tell me she still wanted to end her relationship with him and be with me in the future, but did not want him to start crying again so she was going to take it slow and try to make him get used to the idea that it was over before finally ending it. She literally said he could have everything they had, as long as he didn't start crying again as she wouldn't be able to handle that. The next day I also found out they had a big fight again in the evening, and she said it was a good thing she didn't tell him yet how she felt as that would have made it even worse.
She then asked me to please wait for her, give her some time to solve the situation and not start dating other women... yet every time he feels pressured / thinks he's going to loose her, he starts putting the guilt trip on her about how she almost left him for someone else after all the time they were together, and how much she had hurt him by almost doing that, or just starts whining to her about how she's so mean to him and hurts him so much by saying the things she says or doing the things she does, like going to a movie with me or just talking to me on the phone... while he agreed she could be friends with me, confirming it to me later too when I asked him if he had problems with that as I'd stop being her friend if he didn't want us to be friends!
I was at their home as he told her to invite me over as he wanted to get to know me better, yet after I left he had been angry with her as he'd been watching carefully while I was there and felt she paid a lot of attention to me and almost none to him, and he then told her he wanted them to break up and go their own ways, as he couldn't handle that she paid so much attention to another guy. Ofcourse he changed his mind later, I don't know what he did or said but she's now changing her mind frequently between 'I want to be with you but we need to take it slow' and 'Maybe my boyfriend and I really belong together as after all thats happened we are still together' and its slowly starting to drive me nuts... last thing she said was 'I don't know what will happen in the future, nobody knows! Do you want me to sign some guarantee about our future with blood or something?' so I tried keeping my distance again, but as soon as she noticed that, she started calling me and messaging me again like she did before.
I don't want to be in this situation, as this way she's continuously hurting both her boyfriends and my feelings. I don't know if she realises the situation she's put us in... it could be she thinks she's handling this the best way she can imagine?
I won't be able to really get away from her either as we work together and she has my cell phone number too. I still like her for who she is, as said we have many shared interests, but I hate her doubting attitude about what she wants now.
She said she loves me, but still likes her boyfriend enough to not want to hurt him by breaking up so soon again, yet I feel that if she really wants to end it she'll hurt him less by ending it now then by dragging it along for a while and then ending it in the end anyway.
I'm starting to think its all a game to her or something, playing me against him to gain I don't know what... the attention of both of us maybe?
I can now hardly imagine this is actually real, its starting to look like some soap opera from tv or something!
I don't understand what is going on here, I don't know what to do about it either. I just know I want out of this situation... can anyone who understands this behaviour maybe explain it to me? I asked a few of my friends if they understood what could be going on in her mind, but none of them did...
I would very much appreciate your insight and advice; my upmost thanks to anyone who will help me understand whats going on here! | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 7:58:36 PM | Oh, I'd say it's simple. She loves the emotional charge she gets out of the situation, and what she would really love is for you to be her little something extra on the side. And, if you won't do that for her, then she's going to try and make sure you can't move on with your life without her in it.
She may indeed lack the backbone to break up with her boyfriend, but that doesn't mean it's okay for her to keep stringing you along until she's ready. I think that she likes the attention she's getting from her jealous boyfriend and you the concerned other, but I also think she just likes knowing that she has the option of being with someone else.
It is at the height of selfishness for her to ask you to promise not to date anyone else. If she was truly interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with you, she would break up with her boyfriend and not look back.
The fact that she drug her boyfriend along to stop you from meeting women at the bar is borderline psychotic, IMO. Whatever the case, the sooner you get away from this drama queen the better for you and your mental health. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:04:58 PM | This is easy from a third parties perspective OP, she is wallowing in the attention that she is getting both from her bf who seems obsessed with her, and you who keep giving in to her.
My advice.....take her aside, tell her it is over. No friendship, no nothing. You have to do what is right for you, and her obvious game playing isn't it. Change your cell phone number, it is easy enough to do.
You have to work together and be cordial, but do not engage her in her games. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:34:33 PM | She has that pesky "fear of loss" thing, like many people.
She wants what she can't have... also like many people.
Moreover, she loves the attention and will stop at nothing to get it.
She is an attention whore. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:03:34 PM | All of this doesn't make sense to me:
How did you and her spend enough time together, with her having a boyfriend, to fall in love with each other. The timeframes sound like it happened all very quickly.
Seems more like a lot of 'drama' and 'lust' and more 'drama'.
Just my opinion. If that is what you want, go for it. If not, step away, be firm and say  AND.. mean it. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:17:07 PM | She sounds wishy washy at best. It may be that she just doesn't know what she wants but at the same time wants you to guarentee you will make everything right for her. Although she can not do the same for you.
She may have a definate attraction but she is not being very responsible in her decision making. That is the truth of her actions. When someone behaves this way they want but don't know what they want. That is no way to treat anyone.
Good Luck. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:21:32 PM | It's not complicated at all. She gets to make fools out of both of you and probably gets quite a kick out of it.
What she needs is another kick...to the curb. If you want drama, rent a movie or read a book. Or are _you_ getting off on any of this? | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:25:53 PM | I think you are being played. She wants him, she wants you, no, she really wants him, but she misses you...please give her time to get her act together, and break off with him..wait, we can all go out together and be one big happy family.
You surely are worth having your own girlfriend without all that. Tell her to piss or get off the pot..and mean it.
It will only hurt for...oh say 2 months for every month you were happy..but eventually you will be over it. | |
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 9 | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:40:32 AM | Its not complicated, its very simple: she's a bad choice.
don't make it complicated. ITs human nature to cling to temptation, hoping we'll find a solution, an entry. Problem is, of course, she's looking for attention, so she will pursue you.
Write down all the bad things in this situation. Make it concrete. Make it descriptive. then make copies. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:25:21 AM | Does the expression having your cake and eating it too ring a bell. You are being held in reserve.
And why would you want someone so indecisive? I hardly think what your feeling is love. Infatuation..maybe........lust..........maybe........excitement about wanting what we cant have....maybe
And if she did leave her bf and got with you ....could you trust her?
She's A DRAMA QUEEN~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:36:26 AM | Sorry OP...I couldn't finish your post..waaaaaaaaaay too much. You seem to be somewhat masochistic in your insistence of continuing with this woman. This is a prime example of not peeing where you eat...should never get involved with someone from work.
Find a new job...at 34, you really have to ask US what we think? I am sure you already know. WAAAAH WAAAH WAAAH | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:50:20 AM | | She is using you. Plain and simple, she uses you to get her way with bf. WAY to much drama here. If you have been single for 13 years this is not the woman to start living with. Think of it this way, she was with her bf for 2+ years, now he's out? But not really she takes him back after she tells you she has feelings for you? Now she can't decide. Drop her, stop interacting with her at work, after work or any other time. Change cell numbers, if she asks where your going at night, tell her A and go to B. Two months from now Miss drama will be onto her next victim and you'll be free. Bob | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:08:58 AM | | You need to completly ignore her...and I mean completly!!! If you have to discuss things at work, then talk only of those things!! If she brings up other things...WALK AWAY!!! Don't even read her messages before you delete them...you will eventually train her to stop!!! You know this has to stop right???? It's so unhealthy!!!!! | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:10:56 AM | Hey OP,,,
I'm wondering how many other guys she has done this way in the past..
I'll bet she is used to getting other guys to screw her when her boyfriend isn't looking.
The world is full of women just like her..
You can either be her thing on the side or find you a differant piece of a$$..
The choice is yours.. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:45:32 AM | OP, I have been both guys in this situation before numerous times. Many women simply don't have their character developed enough to live with themselves alone, so they jump from man to man, burning bridges as they go. Like they say, a monkey doesn't let go of the first branch until it has a firm grasp on the second, and then it starts looking for a third.
DO NOT get further involved with this woman. You see how she is treating her current boyfriend, she isn't doing it consciously or intentionally, and she will have no qualms doing the same thing to you down the road.
She is asking you not to date, but at the same time she is with her boyfriend? Are you kidding me? She sees herself as the star of some soap opera or 'sex and the city' type of show that is playing 24/7 in her head.
Seriously, this is a self centered drama queen who will use and hurt anyone she is with just to get her attention whore fix. Emotionally detach yourself from her as soon as possible and then either:
a.) Take the high road, tell her that you will never be her man because you see how she treats the man she is with. That you don't want to be friends with her because she is not a good friend, and to basically get the F*CK out of your life, and stick to it.
b.) Grin and use her, she deserves it. She's a user, so take her for a karmic ride. Have your fun with her in the sack, but don't provide any other form of companionship. Date other women, and flaunt them in front of her. Make it clear to her that she can never be a serious part of your life because of the (in)decisions she made, but that if she wants to remain 'horizontal friends' that you are willing to do that, on your terms. Women like her CRAVE this sort of soap opera crap.
If you want to find a decent woman for a meaningful relationship (almost impossible in this cultural era), then do not even consider dating any woman who hasn't been single for at least six months since her last relationship to avoid the man hopping drama queens like this one.
Otherwise just accept the fact that the number of established, well adjusted, and datable men in your age range is FAR greater than the number of established, well adjusted, and datable women. Then, turn your eye towards the VAST pool of undatable women, and 'wrap it and tap it.'
Or go back to being single for the next 13 years until the numbers have turned favorable towards men. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:42:23 AM | Thanks for the wake up call people! 
I needed to get some points of view from people used to the dating game, it isn't easy to see whats going on if you've been 'away' for 13 years!
It all started when she tried to set me up with a friend of hers at first, she was signalling now and then already, but not all the time then she wanted to introduce me to her friend... but although that was a nice person it was no match. She had already told me that if she wasn't in a relationship she'd probably end up dating me herself when she talked to me about setting me up with her friend, then when the friend set up failed she started to signal me more and more herself, until all the things I described in my original message happened.
She also told me a lot of bad things about her relationship with her boyfriend by the way, who is a few years younger then she is. I'm a few years older then she is .
At this time I've been 'sober' for 4 days, I'm not talking to her in private, try to prevent situations in which just the 2 of us are in the same area at work together.
I still talk to her for work related things, as that is required of my job, and in the breaks I try to have atleast one other colleague around so she can't discuss any private things with me. I try to have her direct colleague there with us most of the time, as thats the easiest way to get someone to go take their break at the same time as us... it was her direct colleague that kept saying that she was in love with me after she got back together with her boyfriend, as she claimed she noticed her behaviour around me and also her behaviour when I was not around.
I had a small car accident (not my fault) and her colleague got messaged continuously asking if I was back yet and if I was okay (she was off that afternoon but heard about the accident before she left), I was late one morning (worked late the evening before and overslept a little the next day) and her colleague told me she went nuts and kept talking about where I was and if maybe something had happened to me... so it all seemed real, with the concern, her blushing when I was around and looked her in the eye, and the weird smelling me secretly when I was close... that kind of creeped me out, her colleague told me she did that every time she was close to me and I looked in another direction so I tried paying attention to it. She indeed did that, I even tried to use a different aftershave after I found out but she kept doing it when she thought I wasn't looking! I didn't let her get that close to me anymore for a while already as its disturbing behaviour imo!
She is indeed starting to chase me more again, as she's probably feeling she is loosing control by now... today she messaged me after work, I didn't sleep a lot last night and was pretty tired when I got in my car to go home. She tried to invite me to go with her for dinner, but I told her I was too tired and would be happy not to fall asleep behind the wheel on my way home. She later sent me a message 'please let me know you got home safe! I am worried...' but I didn't reply... then a 2nd message and a 3rd followed, if she asks tomorrow I'll just tell her I was already sleeping and I didn't see her messages.
As soon as I feel strong enough I'm going to do as suggested and take her seperate, then confront her about the mind game she is playing with me. I hope that will stop her, if it won't I will probably go find the boyfriend and talk to him, tell him what she told me and what she's been doing... he will probably go even more nuts then he already is, but where I first didn't like the guy I now feel I should pitty him...
Again, thanks for all your help... I really appreciate it!  | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:15:27 AM |
I hope that will stop her, if it won't I will probably go find the boyfriend and talk to him, tell him what she told me and what she's been doing... he will probably go even more nuts then he already is, but where I first didn't like the guy I now feel I should pitty him...
Do NOT do this. Stay out of anything between them. If you do do this it is going to backfire on you. It is going to come across as you being jealous and trying to win her away. Plus, she will simply FEED on the continued drama.
Stay out of it. If you feel sorry for the guy, the best thing you can do is don't have any non-professional interaction with this woman. Once it becomes clear to her that she is no longer going to receive the attention that she craves from you, she'll find some other sucker to play the part. Maybe then her bf will wise up. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:34:14 AM | I agree with previous poster who said dont confront bf.
You need to just set it straight with her. If she doesnt abide by your decision tell her you will change your cell no. and if it continues at work report her.
You need to get this monkey off your back. Don't wait!!!! And dont fall for her telling you she is hurt. She most likely will do that. It's a manipulative ploy.
Good Luck.....stay strong | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:48:25 AM | I just wonder... how can you still be in love with her when she's behaving like this?
Avoid her as much as possible! No contact...
She's not showing much consideration for anyone's feelings here but her own, whatever she might claim. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:53:52 AM | | CONTROL! CONTROL! CONTROL! She is a complete neurotic CONTROL FREAK! SHE didn't PUT YOU INTO THIS SITUATION.....you allowed this situation to escalate out of control to the point of which you have no recourse because you are so far deeply involved that it would be like severing your right arm to put an end to it. Do you really want someone to "need" you that badly that you would sacrifice your own happiness at the expense of an emotionally, unbalanced CONTROL FREAK who obviously has the attention she is so lacking in her own life? OK...sorry! But it just took me 10 minutes to make sense of this whole drama and since I stuck it out long enough to form a conclusion........I am sincerely hoping that you will listen. It seems to me that you are a very sensitive person by putting the other guys feelings above your own when you suggested that she be open with him about your ongoing "friendship"... We're you sexually involved with this woman?? Does she have your balls tied to a rope or something?? I would NEVER put a man through this kind of drama....and for a man to ALLOW it to happen would make me think that he doesn't have a life of his own. No offense......If you want her to stop calling you and you work with her - file a formal complaint of sexual harassament against her to show her that you are serious about her compulsive behavior!! It is clearly disrupting your life and I would put an end to this as soon as humanly possible. YOU need to let HER go....at least, it sounds that way to me........thank you for allowing me to express myself. LMK if there is anything more that I can do to help.... Bella. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:08:36 AM | OP, the monster.com board is running really slow today, so here I am, and YES, I did indeed read your entire post. Wow...
First, I had this image of a woman with flags, using the old ship to ship arm movements to signal you... hmmmm... I'm guessing that's NOT the type of signaling you're referring to, but just wanted to point out your continuous emphasis on "her signaling" you, as you might have a key to your problem there -- throw away the code book, ignore her "signals"! Voila!
Have to agree with GTO and others here -- don't complicate this issue, just extricate yourself. This is easily done, no matter what you might think. Grow a very thick skin, get "really, really dense" in terms of ignoring her, and she'll effectively disappear as "person", even while you're at work and during the times you must interact with her in her "professional" capacity (and I'm using that word -- professional -- very loosely here, as it's clear that a true professional would not have been signaling you at work -- all those flags are just out of place in the workplace).
Next, ask yourself this question: Why am I attracted to this type of woman? Because, seriously, dude... you mentioned that you were previously the "boyfriend" in the scenario you've described in your OP (hence your utter horror of being put in the position of the "home-wrecker" by this drama queen). To me, this says that you're either attracted to or tend to attract the type of woman who does this "man-hopping" thing. Why? I'm really not trying to attack you in any way here, and I hope you take this in the spirit it's offered: we often attract and/or are attracted to people who fulfill certain needs within ourselves, irrespective of whether those needs are healthy or dysfunctional, whether they are conscious or subconscious. We make choices.
First step, choose to NOT be attracted to someone (this women) who would treat two men this way. Her behavior is completely inappropriate for the workplace, and on a personal level is very disrespectful to herself, her boyfriend, and to you.
Good luck. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:14:55 AM | plain and to the point answer OP, just remember this; what she's doing WITH you, she will surely do TO you later. Drop the drama queen and find someone that respects you and you can respect the same. Once she has what she wants, she won't want it anymore.
Change you cellphone number, but be careful of this one at work, if she's a gameplayer, which she has proven to be, working with her is going to be very difficult. If you like your employment, don't play into any of her games on your employers time, keep it VERY professional else she's going to try to use that against you to encite the attention that you are now not giving her. women are vindictive creatures;)
they like to keep everythign hush-hush until it can benfit them. it would be nice if you could get your hands on her phone and nuke the text messages you exchanged so she has nothing on you, or hopefully you were smart enough to not send anything to her except the usual 'friend' or 'colleague' responses/messages. | |
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:24:15 AM | Too many issues..Cancel that subscription!!
JUST SAY NO!!
You are suppose to be with someone who makes you feel special..when you are together and apart...
from reading your post...This woman doesnt make you feel that!!
She is poison and she is feeding off you for her own self esteem issues, RUN!!!!
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| Need advice... this is way too complicated for me!
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:33:09 AM | Ive been though the same thing untill I realised, he was using me to control her. I was like the big stick in the background. Do as I say or ill go back to her. He lived with me for 6 monthes and carried on taking her out every two weeks and phoning her every day. Sometines 10 times a day. He said it was to help her get over the split, the truth was he was manipulating her with this behaviour. He was lining his future life with her, with him very much in control.
I threw his stuff out on the drive and it hurt like hell to do that, I was so in love with him. It took every ounce of strength I had. That was 18 months ago, and id be lying to say im over it. yet. My only strength is when I see how unhappy he is living with a woman he can control. Once they have what they want its no challenge anymore. She would forgive him anything, a truly broken woman who just eats and eats and eats. Quite a pathetic sight realy, so dependant on him because he broke her spirit. She was once the controlling factor in that relationship, now she is nothing. No spirit, no personality, no pride. Now he has to live with the monster he created and hes so unhappy.
That broken woman could have been me. Who is to say he wouldnt have done the same to me and he was trying by taking her out and phoning her. Leave the problem with those who own it. If she left him to be with you, she will use him to control you, get off this emotional roller coaster honey while you still can. Change your phone no, address, job is neccessary. Now after 13 years you know you can love again, save it for someone who deserves your love. You are just being used sweetheart, you may love her now but in a few years you will look back and be so glad you got out with your dignity in tact. Shes just a | |
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