| A choice
Posted: 5/5/2008 7:51:25 PM | I know this isn’t really a fair question, but if you could eliminate the impact it would have on your child(ren), would you prefer to parent on your own? I guess I’m trying to ask if it’s easier to “share” the parenting duties, time, etc, at whatever level you are currently sharing, or if you think it would be easier to just do it all on your own and not have to consider the other parent in making decisions, spending time, etc.
I hope that makes sense! | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:07:39 PM | | It does not matter what is easier. What matters are the children. Children have the right to a mother and a father unless one or both of them are a danger to them. Check out the Shared Parenting Thread for the pros and cons, info on Parental Alienation, etc. No one parent has more of a right to make decisions for a child than the other parent does unless there are proven dangers to the child. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:09:49 PM | | I understand that completely. The question isn't about what's best for the kids. That's why I made the disclaimer. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:26:24 PM | I don't share parenting duties with anyone, and since it's been over 5 years since I did with my ex, I don't really remember what it was like [our son was just under 2 when we seperated]. I'm glad that my son doesn't get conflicting rules and what he can and cannot do, it's better on children that way.
In a way I share parenting duties with my family, but, it's agreeded that my son will be raised how I decide; so no conflict there. My son knows the rules and if he doesn't follow them, he knows the consequences, if I am around or not. I keep it as simple as I can. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:31:48 PM | I made a choice that it was better for my child that I parent alone, while she is young until she is emotionally ready to make her own descions (sp) on her the kind of person her dad is/became
I found it easier and I was able to provide her a more stable life,
But thats because he wasn't at a place in his life that he could share the responsibility..................... if had been it would be a diffrent story . | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:35:01 PM | I think it would be simpler and harder. I'm not sure that makes sense, but here goes.
Simpler in the sense that it's one philosophical approach consistently applied rather than two consistently being integrated. Simpler because on "tricky" decisions nobody would have to be consulted. Simpler because when something needs doing, there's no question as to who will do it.
Also harder, however, because you don't have anyone to "sharpen" your philosophical approach. And harder because you have to make all of the decisions yourself without support and harder because you have to do everything.
You'll have to trust that this makes more sense in my head... | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 2:53:57 AM | When my daughter was born 4 yrs ago i didnt the luxury of that choice. My ex (her father aka sperm donator) had nothing to do with us when i was 11 weeks pregnant. Went thru 9 months without him and the first 11 months of her life. (his choice not mine)
It would have been good and a help if he was in the picture and wanted to be involved, but he wasnt.
I have two older boys (father was there for part of their life) and i found it actually easier without him around. All decisions are mine, all choices are mine, from dinner time, housework, rules, discipline...........everything.
Sometimes and at times it was much easier on my own then worrying about 'him' 'his' moods done 'his' way.........and the rest.
Anyway, everyone is different and everyone does things their own way. Just from my point.
Oh and by the way, he sees daughter one day a fortnight from 10.00am to 5.00pm (again his choice)
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:59:21 AM | I DO parent entirely on my own - no co-parent, no partner, not even my own parents - and I love it. My child has always had one consistent, loving, stable home, without disruption of her security. And I parent by my own knowledge, without having to compromise my values or run decisions by a "committee." And of course I get to live with my child every single day, see her every loose tooth and know of every worry. I feel very privileged to have all the benefits of family life - sharing dinner every night, sharing Christmas EVERY year - combined with all the freedom of single adulthood.
I haven't ever parented with anyone else, so I can't truly compare the situations, but looking at my married parent and divorced parent friends both, I really think my child and I both have the best possible family. 
If a person's economic ability, legal status and religious values allow the person to parent on his or her own, I'm all for it! I'm SURE others will pipe in here, as on practically every thread in this forum, with "kids need both parents." I've answered that fallacious argument many times before so I'll just let it go, now, by answering the OP's question only. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:42:11 AM | Well, I didn't have a choice (I'm a widow) but, you'll get my opinion anyway. I was just thinking last night that I was so frustrated with always having to be the bad cop... my daughter wanted to go to a questionable summer camp because "everyone else is going" and I said no, explained the reasons why and dealt with the fall out (she was understandably upset). It ended up being okay, but I did feel a little bit sorry for myself that I am always the one who has to say "no". It's a bit daunting being 100% responsible, 100% of the time.
I can understand how it would be better for some children if a parent is not included in their life. And, I can understand that primal instinct that good mothers have to defend their children from ANYTHING that may harm them emotionally, mentally or physically. I think we just have to hope that our children have good fathers who experience that same instinct and take it as seriously as we do. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:33:42 AM | | for me i find it easier to do it by myself i am going throught this right now.i have 2 children ages 2 and 4 the 2 year old deosnt know whats going on but the 4 year old does.We have been split for just over 3 months and their dad has been with someone else since 2 weeks after we split.I know what is best for the children and it is to have 2 parents.Since he left he has been in and out (has seen them 2x in 3 months)and when he is out it is so much easier my kids have routine and stability but when he comes around and takes them to visit all hell brakes loose with behavior and wanting dadddy to live somewhere else no with his g/f.as for having to do it on my own yes sometimes the day to day can get stressful but i wouldnt have it any other way,i would prefer for him to step out and do it on my own. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:54:19 AM | I currently parent solely on my own, I don't regret that and actually I enjoy it a lot. I do believe children deserve both parents if possible. However I am not sure weather or not it is easier either way. I don't find what I am doing is any sort of a challenge. Having their father would be best for them, for a couple of reasons such as; teaching my little boy to grow into a well rounded man, and teaching my daughter how she should be treated by a man and so forth. On the flip side I am capable of doing such as well as uncles, grandfathers and so on of my children.
If I had to make the choice, giving how things were when I was with my ex, I would chose to do it alone. A happy home with one parent is far better then a hostile home with 2 parents. Many children who are well adjusted, well rounded, respectful and successful individuals have come from single parent homes.
In a sense a single parent home can help a child to acquire a greater sense of appreciation as well as respect. It can also help a child to become a stronger individual and aware that no matter what obstacles one has to endure with hard work and determination you can get through it and achieve what you set out to.
As for the time, and shared parenting duties. Having one set of "rules" and consistency because the kids can't run to anyone else, is beneficial for them. I have no problem with time. We keep busy with all their activities but are transition from on activity to the next and so on is so smooth we don't even notice. We are organized, we always are able to sit down share stories and eat dinner together daily. I have found it to be easier on the kids with it just being me.
I am not saying this is the case for every child and family, but it works for mine. My kids are well adjusted kids, they are confident and have a lot of self respect. They understand we are a family and have never asked or mentioned us lacking as a family, and have never compared what we have to what any of their friends have. They are happy kids.
As stated previously, I do agree children need both parents, weather in the same home or not that's up to individual cases, however neither is neccessarily the case, but it doesn't mean those children will grow up in any less of a nuturing, stable, respecful environment. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:34:38 AM | Single father - and I most definitely promote and practice involving the other parent in as much of the decisions and activites with my kid as possible.
I married and divorced the daughter of a divorce attorney - so after a decade of having my can kicked all over the road - I have finally been able to get to a point where she really understands my motives.
Love me or hate me - but if you understand my motives are to be peaceful and cooperative - why not cooperate with me for the best intetrest of the kid?
It took sucking up the ego and doing things like, every time my kid and I are enjoying a holiday together, we cook enough to make a dish for mom and then we drive by mom's house and I let my kid take the dish into mom and show she loves her and hasn't forgotten her.
Or, even though the kid is with me on their birthday, I buy everything, cake, decorations jumper out back and I take the party to mom's house so that nobody looks like a hero unless everyone looks like a hero.
Hell, it was mutual love that created the kid, why not brush aside our petty differences (and when the kid is grown and gone away and we are both looking back on the years - it will all seem like petty differences) and lets get together and just love that kid with everything we've got.
What parent does not love their child MORE than they dislike the disturbances they are forced to endure in divorce? | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:00:10 AM | Dreamboat, that was well said, and I wish more single parents would look at that perspective and swallow their pride, anger, hurt feelings towards their ex and realize the big picture in all this.
I"m also one who had no choice but to do this solo, my ex at the end of my pregnancy decided to walk away and not be involved. That was his choice and his loss. It is great to raise her the way I want to and she doesn't get mixed discipline to confuse her. However, it would be nice to have my own time and for her to have her own space as well since I'm with her 24/7. I can't imagine being without her for more than a few hours though. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:50:40 AM | While my kid's dad is in their lives and actively involved, I do make all the decisions concerning their education, medical issues etc. That is because he knows I am a good mother. I do not consult him on any of it. I usually tell him afte the fact, and he is fine with it.
As for the rest of it, I am glad he is as involved as he is. He and I balance each other out...he is very much into hunting, fishing, etc. While I lean more towards the creative side of life, as well as place a high priority on education. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:36:22 PM | I've done it on my own since my 10 year old was a baby. Completely on my own since her father moved across the country when she just turned 3.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to share the parenting, but if it were up to my daughter I'm sure she would want us both doing it.
THAT is what I would choose. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:47:11 PM | | I've been raising my 9 year old all on my own since her father passed away. I don't know what it would be like to share the parenting. And to be honest, I really don't know if I'd do a good job at the "sharing" part since I've done it on my own for so long. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:09:48 PM | Its a tough question thats for sure.. I mean when you have two parents at least you have 2 sets of eyes watching the situation and one parent can catch the other parents in mistakes and help them out in those situations.. I think if I had the choice to have a 2 parent home (i am a single father where the mother is not involved at all) I would choose to have her there. I would love for my daughter to have that person to look up to and admire as she grows older.. When it comes to choices her mother would have different ideas and my daughter would learn to adapt more.
Shared parenting isnt an awful thing but both ways have their complications. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:14:54 PM | | As the Ex of a narcisist with drug and alcohol issues... let me tell you, my life would be so much easier if he were not in the picture!!! | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:50:03 AM | yabbdabbadoo/tizzabelle wrote:
As the Ex of a narcissist with drug and alcohol issues... let me tell you, my life would be so much easier if he were not in the picture!!!
I wonder what it would take for us to reach out compassionately to people who are suffering with addictions to substances and who may be suffering mental illness - or at least to find it in our hearts not to crucify them for their weaknesses? We are all imperfect and for every stone we can throw, a dozen more could be heaped upon any one of us.
Despite the various challenges I have had with my former spouse, I start with the premise that she needs to be in my child's life as much as I know my child needs her in their life.
Also, it really shows my child that, despite the differences mom and dad may have had, they were willing to work past all that for the sake of our child. What child does not want to feel special, cared for, worth fighting for like the Calvary would come to the rescue in time of need?
The danger is when I start to feel vulnerable, like maybe if my former spouse does too good a job taking care of my child's needs, maybe my child, my former spouse, the world and myself might start to perceive them as the better more fit parent.
Then I realize that she probably has those same fears about me - so I chill out and just let it be... who needs the damned headache.
The one thing I will say with all certainty - I watch the calendar real closely because what looks like friendly offering of time with the child today, could become grounds for a petition for greater custody or child support if someone were to suddenly lose their minds and go on rampage. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/8/2008 10:10:44 AM | | I parent on my own (unless you count the grandmother nagging) and at times I can definitely see how it is easier. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/8/2008 1:25:46 PM | Having witnessed evil from him, believe me evil abounds out there,
this case was so ugly as to support the single parenting premise.
Ugly , too very ugly to convey, I hoped the child would take cues from
Mommy, Grandma, and myself in order to survive the onslaught of evil
for no other reason than revenge.
Wasn't easy at all, yet well worth it, time allowed him to become absorbed in making anothers mates life miserable.
The child learned from a few ,the good virtues that she carries with her presently.
Her Mom deserves all the credit. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:04:38 PM | It's only a "choice" if the court has ordered sole custody. Otherwise the court and CPS considers it to be in the best interest of the child to have both mom and dad involved in the childs life.
This means the court will order that there be at least joint legal custody shared by mom and dad.
This in turn means that BOTH mom and dad MAY be mutually involved in crucial decisions concerning the care and upbringing of the child.
These are the facts as they stand.
Reading through so many of these posts it ocurred to me that while the tasks involved in care of my child are obviously made easier by another set of eyes and ears and a genuinely caring heart to love the child - there is a caveat.
In the early days of the divorce while there was still a disproportionate degree of stess related nuerosis on my former spouses part, it was necessary to take greater time with the child to offset my former spouses hostile behavior.
Such hostile behavior included filing papers with the court purporting to be the "sole" provider for our child. When the judge reviewed our case to determine the accuracy of her statements and found this to be disparaging of the father the judge gave me custody and cancelled support payments.
That aside... after showing her lots of compassion and turning the cheek with every time she'd lash out - things have stabalized with mom and now we are both free to participate equally.
None of this changes the fact that a mom / dad team makes raising a hild easier.
The courts and CPS prefer it, and giving the other parent first right of refusal is the stanadard in consideration of the best interest of the child. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:17:48 PM |
I wonder what it would take for us to reach out compassionately to people who are suffering with addictions to substances and who may be suffering mental illness - or at least to find it in our hearts not to crucify them for their weaknesses? We are all imperfect and for every stone we can throw, a dozen more could be heaped upon any one of us.
This is much easier said than done... especially since he wishes me dead and has told me so on a semi regular basis (and there are days I think similar thoughts). It is not even that I wish to crucify him for his weaknesses, I just do not want my children in cars driven by intoxicted drivers; nor do I want them hanging around with dad at a dealers house on 4/20. I know I am far from perfect I will be the first to admit it but, I know to put the kids' safety and well being first before my own indulgences. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:26:14 PM | I just do not want my children in cars driven by intoxicted drivers; nor do I want them hanging around with dad at a dealers house on 4/20. I know I am far from perfect
Yabba
Exactly.
Save a kid!
People forget that not all dads are responsible human beings.
It's a wonder that the little lady I have been involved with is still
with us. Her MOM gets all the credit.
Criminal minds have no business around the kids.
Spouting murder, waving firearms overhead during rants on
a public street, drunk 99% of the time.
[other disgusting thing I won't reveal]
Unsung hero that, as well other parents who rescue their kids
at all costs. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:36:33 PM | I will point out that it does go both ways as well... sometimes the mothers are all that they could be!
In a perfect world... everything would be perfect  | |
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