| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker? [CLOSED]
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:05:35 PM | OK, here's the scoop. I met someone I really like but there are two things about her past that concerned me (because they seem to be a part of her present.) One of them we discussed and it seems to be a non-issue any longer, the other is the fact that she has used marijuana in the past and has no qualms about using it in the future. I do not partake, and the few times I tried, it did nothing for me so I don't see the point in wasting money and time with it. She says it is something she enjoys and that I shouldn't let it bother me (she wouldn't be bothered if I wanted to go play cards with the guys, etc....) I have never really been exposed to it, nor how it affects her and therefore our relationship when she does use it.
So my question is this:
Do I try to find a compromise on an issue that bothers me personally (philosophically I feel it should be legalized) or do I just chalk it up to experience and say next? I want to hear from people that have been in a similar situation, not religious zealots that want to preach about how wrong something is! Can a recreational user give something like that up? Can a user and non-user co-habitate without it being an issue?
She hasn't used since we have been together (fortunately she is honest) but wondering if I will be able to handle it when it finally does happen. The reason I have doubts is that 2 of her friends I have recently met have said the following after offering and being turned down: 1) she is being so good because you are here, and 2)I know you must smoke because you hang out with her. Am I getting into more than I realize? | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:13:27 PM | If she is a recreational user then it will not be difficult for her to give up. It is not physically addictive and her use is really no different than someone that has a beer or glass of wine after work, or drinks out at a party or a bar.
If she hangs around with people that smoke, your question should be about the type of people that she hangs around with. You probably know many people that do use occasionally that might shock you, I know I have stumbled across that information a couple of times and was truly surprised.
My point is, if she is hanging around a bunch of losers that are marginally employed, seem to have no goals or otherwise are not people you would associate with, it could be an issue. If she goes to work everyday, keeps a decent home, and otherwise you would have no clue, and you feel it should be legalized, I don't see it as a huge problem.
Unless someone is smoking huge quantities it is not a "habit" that will destroy someone financially. I have known a lot of people over the years that smoke but have never actually bought any. Sounds like you should talk to her about her concerns that are probably primarily due to your inexperience on the subject. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:14:37 PM | Dude,
Trust me, this is a major dealbreaker. There's no way this is going to work out, and one way or another it's going to bite YOU in the ass. With big teeth and jaws.You're borrowing trouble with a capitol T. IMO you're better off ending it now and finding somebody who's right for you. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:15:58 PM | My preference would be, that she not smoke dope,
but it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker.
Now, if I realized that she was heavily invested in
smoking dope, in other words addicted, then
that would certainly be an issue.
Also, if questionable friends were involved
or people around her, coming or going, just
involved in some sort of a drug-culture,
that would also be totally unacceptable! | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:21:24 PM | | Not a religious zealot (in fact, I'm an atheist), so here's my take: I can't even stand to be around someone smoking tobacco, so weed doesn't even enter the picture. Though I don't partake, I am for legalization (or at least decriminalization) . Maybe if there were a way to get rid of that horrendous smell… | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:26:55 PM | You seem so straight and she smokes dope? hmmmmm...it almost makes me laugh (but i am sure you don't think it is funny). anyways, i don't see how a relationship could work. you seem like two completely different type of people.
you said there are two things about her past...was the other thing drug related? did it have to do with any type of addictions? because if so, she could just be that type of person that has that type of personality. i really don't know. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:27:08 PM | I figure it all depends on how she much she smokes and how it effects her.
I mean... if it's just recreational, social and responsible... then there shouldn't be a problem. Better weed than booze.
But if she is dependent or chronic and it's sapping her motivation... then... well... nuff said...
The other thing is... how does her use sit with you? It seems that you're not entirely comfortable with it and if that's the case then it'll likely become a point of contention down the road... | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:29:18 PM | Do you understand why Marijuanna is illegal? Given ciggarettes and alcohol are legal you know it is not because it is "harmful." Quite simply marijuanna is a threat to the pharmeceutical, alcohol, and tobacco lobbies to name a few. Industrial hemp production would also reinvent civilization as we know it...for the unequivocal better. There are unfortunately many industries/agendas that do not have an interest in that happening.
You drink alcohol and worry about someone's marijuanna use, not abuse? With all due respect with all the real problems in this world to buy into the idea of marijuanna being "evil" because of unsubstantiated insitutional protestations is IMHO asinine. Drugs are not the most destructive force in society, the Black Market is. Stop buying into institutionalized deceptions. Think critically. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:29:43 PM | it's not dope ...heroin and morphine is dope...for heaven's sake ...
have you not read " the Emperor wears no clothes" by Jack Herer ???
you would read some of the horrible lies that were spoken & published
to make it illegal in the first place
i think you should feel fortunate that she is honest with you
and no one is perfect anyway...and it is used medicinally now
and has been used for so many amazing things for centuries...
she could have a lot worse habits...
people will end up all alone if we are so critical & don't cut others slack .... | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:38:08 PM |
people will end up all alone if we are so critical & don't cut others slack ....
I would not date a smoker of tobacco at all -- it stinks and I am allergic to it. However I am also allergic to cats, but am willing to tolerate hers. It is not an issue of being critical, but one of preference. If she were drinking to excess, I wouldn't date her either. What I do not know is if her getting high is just another form of intoxication. Cutting slack is one thing, but being involved with someone that has a habit that may or may not be detrimental to the relationship is another.
To respond to another question about her past, it in no way involves an addictive behavior, but a past relationship. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:39:56 PM | Addicts are addicts no matter how you try to make it sound more 'pc' or use kinder words. 'Recreational User' is STILL an addict and they have an addiction. pesonally, it IS a deal breaker, ANY drug abuse is. I was married to a drug addict, no way in h*** am I going to put myself or my child through that h*** again or be around someone who is an addict, not gonna happen. ANYONE can give up ANY addiciton, it takes a desire, the will and the effort to give it up; that's the first step, to admit that someone has a problem and to get help, the rest is a bit harder, it actually requires [gulp] effort.
If you live with an addict and for whatever reason law enforcement shows up and they find it at the house ANY adult in the house can be held responsible for ANY drugs in the house. If you are a parent, your kids can go into state custody.
The the OP, how do you KNOW she hasn't used drugs? No offense, but in my expereicne, their are NO truthful addicts unless they are a recovering addict an even then, I expect proof. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:43:34 PM | Syncopation, you say that the reason you don't see the point in it is because you tried it and it "did nothing" for you. That's a reason for YOU which has little to do with moral qualms or issues of legality....simply the fact that you don't enjoy it. If that's the case then I think you are being hypocritical, because presumably if you had enjoyed it when you tried it....your feelings would be different about it?
If it were me, I'd wait until I saw how it affected her behavior when she's high, but it seems as if she's more than happy to refrain where you are around. I'm not sure I see what the big deal is.
Now, if you had a principled issue with its use, that would be different.....IMO. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:44:42 PM | Generally... I look at continuous flagrant breach of the law as a dealbreaker.
Why would I want someone to bring a material into my house that if the cops come in could potentially lead to the SEIZURE OF MY HOUSE?
Sorry... but druggies not desired.
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:49:22 PM | | it would be a deal breaker for me thats for sure.no way ill get into a serious relationship with someoen who does drugs.but in your situation what bothers me is the response from her friends u met mostly.they seem to be implying that shes almost an addict or more wich might not even be something u would put up with.quote from u"(1) she is being so good because you are here, and 2)I know you must smoke because you hang out with her. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:52:43 PM | | Not a deal breaker for me. If it worries you, a compromise might be not to bring it around you or use it around you. I don't smoke it myself although I find the smell much more pleasent than cigarettes but I have nothing against it either. I've done the research and understand that it's not the demon the "war on drugs" people try to make it. But, like cigarrettes or anything else, I don't really want it in my home. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:02:53 PM | How new is this relationship?
Are you comfortable enough to ask her how heavy of a user she is?
If it bothers you enough to write a thread about it, which I might add has already been written before... Then you have decide where your personal boundaries are...
If someone smoking pot is something you can't deal with, and you would like to see a relationship lead to something long term, perhaps you need to reconsider her... Her friends comments are rather odd, and people that I would find as either not being really true friends to her, or trying to warn you...
I wouldn't appreciate having friends that would say something like that to someone that I was getting to know (Don't have a pot addiction, but if I did, I wouldn't want them talking that kind of smack to someone I was getting to know)
Either way, as does one do pot, they also come with their friends... | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:23:07 PM | Hello,
You come off sounding like she's raping your strong moral virginity, stating you've never been exposed to it while having tried it yourself _a few times_. Judging you by your own apparent standards, you're a druggy, once a user, always a user, so are you just worried she might dip into your secret stash?
What a shame she doesn't live up to your high standards that you're incapable of yourself.
As for the rest of your question, I honestly think if you need to ask a public forum how to make up your mind for you on such a basic matter that you apparently hold in such high regard, you face more pressing issues than she'll ever present you with, so just be thankful she's around to hold your hand and guide you. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:58:18 PM |
if you need to ask a public forum how to make up your mind for you on such a basic matter Perhaps the OP is not having any difficulty at all "making his mind up". He's used the drug himself a few times and only didn't continue because it wasn't fun for him. Perhaps the real intent of this thread is to gather the weight of public opinions behind him as he pushes his girlfriend into a position where she feels that she is a bad person who has to be grateful for his 'acceptance' and 'tolerance'.
OP, anything can be a deal-breaker. If the way they eat Marmite sandwiches turns you off, it can be a deal-breaker -- there is no "should" about it. You feel what you feel. Personally, use of illegal recreational drugs is not something I'd be keen to accept because of the mindset involved being so different from mine. But how you feel about it is personal and there is no should or shouldn't where feelings are concerned (only what you do with those feelings). | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:11:17 PM | "Perhaps the real intent of this thread is to gather the weight of public opinions behind him as he pushes his girlfriend into a position where she feels that she is a bad person who has to be grateful for his 'acceptance' and 'tolerance'."
Oh, like a petition he can use to throw in her face while saying "see, they all think I'm better than you, you piece of trash".
Maybe I'll include my phone number so she can call me then. Either way if you resort to this kind of thing/those kinds of tactics, my point stands, luckily it will all be so much clearer in 8th grade. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:29:11 PM |
Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
That depends on YOU and how YOU feel about marijuana. For me personally, yes it is a dealbreaker. I dont care if its recreational or for health reasons (lol yeah whatever), i wont tolerate it.
She hasn't used since we have been together (fortunately she is honest) but wondering if I will be able to handle it when it finally does happen. The reason I have doubts is that 2 of her friends I have recently met have said the following after offering and being turned down: 1) she is being so good because you are here, and 2)I know you must smoke because you hang out with her. Am I getting into more than I realize?
Her friends know her a lot better than you do. I would say yes,,,you are getting into more than you realize. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:37:04 PM | | I could NOT be with someone who smokes it, as I do not. It's something I stand firmly on. I don't like it, and I don't want to be around it. So really, you can't make it "not" do it so you have a choice..........leave now, or accept it when she decides smoke it. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:59:58 PM | I am having difficulty rationalizing my tolerance of something that normally I could not accept. The anology of the Marmite sandwich is valid. Since I don't like smoking in general, I should not feel any qualm about disagreeing with smoking any substance. The notion that :
Perhaps the real intent of this thread is to gather the weight of public opinions behind him as he pushes his girlfriend into a position where she feels that she is a bad person is completely unfounded. On the contrary, I am seeking advice from current/former users or mates of users on how they dealt with the issue of disparity. I do not judge her morality for using it, only trying to figure out how or if I can accept it.
ps I am grateful for those who have written to me directly to share their heartfelt stories on this matter. Your insight has been invaluable. | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:34:12 PM | I have to ask something...
I am a legal advocate for medical marijuana, in my state it is medically legal... Currently it doesn't appear that your state is one that has much tolerance for it, however things change...
My question is, if she were to use it for a medical reason, would you be intolerant to it?
Granted it is a MOOT point if your state does not have legal medical usage, but then again only a couple states over in MN it is decriminalized...
I dated someone that was a very heavy user... Then again he was a heavy drinker too, so his addictions were somewhat of a major issue anyways... He used it for self medicating his stressed out life, and perhaps it worked, perhaps it didn't... I never seen him not on it...
It goes back to YOUR OWN personal boundary, and if you can deal with someone that has a "habit" that perhaps does NOT agree with who you are as a person...
There are other ways of using it, besides smoking such as vaporization, so for those who think that smoking is the only method of use...It's not...
I obviously like the guy enough to deal with his choices of addictions, however the drinking and how violent he got when he became irrationally drink is what ended everything between him and I...
She seems to be trying to CHANGE to be what she thinks YOU want... That can be tough, because sometimes people get resentful if they feel they are the only one that is doing a lot of changing.... Perhaps something to consider... | |
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| Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:45:00 PM | To me, this should not be a deal breaker. I say this, because, we ALL need to decide what is right for us. I am not talking to confused teens here. I am talking to adults. If she wants to do some smoke, fine. Doesn't mean that you have to...
Weigh all the factors. Just because she admitted to liking some smoke, doesn't mean she's lost forever. Does it?
YOU don't have to smoke. You're a big boy. Right?
At some point, we all have to admit that we have histories and preferences. It will take some time to get onto the same page, sometimes.
I think that we are totally impatient with each other... | |
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