| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:43:16 PM | So lately I've come to the realization that I may be on the clingy side. I've never had problems before because the guys in my past relationships have been that way as well.
Not necessarily clingy, just that we've been so crazy about eachother that there was never a time when we'd rather just have our own space. I guess it's like puppy love that each lasted a couple years with both past relationships. Now I'm in a relationship with a very independant guy, who enjoys his space. It's kind of shocked me, I'm feeling very uncared for, as I've had the previous knowledge that love is about clingy...at least at the beginning "honey-moon stage"
My question I have for you is: Do you think being clingy is a personality trait? Should I surpass this relationship as failed and find someone who appreciates the little things I do so that I'm not taken for granted? Or should I stick with this one and see if I can change my ways of being too clingy? I'm very stuck as to whether I'm the problem, he's the problem, or we're just not right for eachother.
Now before you hiss at me for being clingy, just think about my situation and try and put yourself in my shoes. I'm a very romantic/loving person and I guess I've just never had to deal with this before. Now that it's a problem I'm going to have to figure out what to do about it. I love love, and my head is telling me that I should move on and find someone that will appreciate it. I find myself more and more clingy, the more distant he is.
Is it impossible to make it work with someone who is almost too manly for their own good? Lacks romance and emotions, and appreciates personal space when you're someone who is all about that? | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:49:26 PM | | Your problem reeks of not feeling valued enough. Now he's got the power... but oddly enough, you are considering ditching this guy, which negates my whole claim. I don't really have a suggestion for you, but maybe you should ask yourself: are you comfortabe being so emotionally dependent upon your partner? | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:49:38 PM | SO: Are you equating "Clingy" with being in love and not wanting to let someone you have discovered, go????
Or, are you trying to excuse yourself for loving someone too much - someone who you are not sure about; someone who doesn't love you as much as you love him???
I cannot tell you whether he loves you or not, sorry.
Aye, that's the rub.  | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:51:57 PM | | He says he loves me more than he ever thought possible. But he's only had one prior long term relationship so I'm not sure how confident he's allowed to be in saying that. I believe him when he says it, but whether that's good enough...I donno. I'm just going to choose to believe him for now. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 1:34:18 AM |
He says he loves me more than he ever thought possible. But he's only had one prior long term relationship so I'm not sure how confident he's allowed to be in saying that. I believe him when he says it, but whether that's good enough...I donno. I'm just going to choose to believe him for now.
Let's hope your insecurity doesn't drive him away with him having to reaffirm it 10 times a day.
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 1:45:23 AM | Finally...someone else out there with the same problem as me! This is a subject very near & dear to my heart, for I have been called everything from clingy to intense to needy over the years.
OP...this is who you are. Im the one who's going to probably get hissed at for saying this, but I feel society has taught too many of us that its somehow wrong to want to be romantic, to want to hang all over your partner and be sickningly in love. People have tried to intellectualize emotion so much that theyve forgotten how to just FEEL things and run with it. And I think thats why so many of us are unhappily single, because there's so much fear in the average person about diving-in and just letting your emotional desires run wild
Dont try to change who you are because youre only going to make yourself miserable in the process. If youre a clingy personality, then thats who you are. To try and change that means youre trying to change yourself for the sake of a partner, and thats far more damaging than just accepting this as a part of your makeup. Its not a flaw, its not low self-esteem, and its not co-dependancy as all the psychological "experts" would have you believe. You love love...and as someone who feels the same way there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting it or feeling that way.
If the partner youre with truly loves you as he says he does, then you need to tell him how you feel. Tell him that you arent feeling loved in the way you desire, and see if theres some kind of middle ground you can find to make things work. If he wont meet you in the middle, then you owe it to yourself to move on to someone who is just as clingy and intense as yourself.
Let the flaming begin at my unconventional response! Damn The Man!!  | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:21:56 AM | I would say something like "clingy" or whatever other label others may give it, is more ingrained in your personality rather than a flaw to be corrected. Just as someone who likes more "space" is not right or wrong, it's simply how they are.
The trick is, to find someone who sees it as an asset, rather than a detriment. This kind of issue often occurs because what may attract two people may be their differences, and a power play develops as each tries to declare their way the right way, or the way it should be.
I myself tend towards the need my space side of the coin. I don't see someone I would call clingy as needing to change, I would see them as not appropriate for me to spend a lot of time with.
This is the kind of issue that I do not believe can be resolved by working it out, either one or both of you are constantly going to be irritated by the behavior of the other. And when you both feel stressed, that's the time when those differences will really strain your relationship to the breaking point, instead of bringing you closer through adversity.
Bob | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:27:33 AM | Can be one or the other. There are things you can "correct" about yourself, but you also have to know when something is such a part of you that you're wasting time and making yourself unhappy.
So really, it is up to you to decide. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:33:22 AM | | I can be clingy....when I am in LOVE with someone yeah I wanna be WITH THEM if they pushed me away, or didn't have time for me, or wanted a lot of "alone time" I would feel unloved, unwanted, miserable...... I could TRY to change, but frankly, I'd rather just find a guy who will be more compatible with me. I don't like a guy who says "Oh I love you more then anything" but doesn't show it.....I need to feel it! | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:34:37 AM | clingyness could be an attachment style, and strangely enough clingy people are often attracted to distancers. I'm not saying your friend is a distancer, but his way of being may just be different than yours. Does he show you he cares in his own way ... and if he does, why isn't this enough? Do you need someone constantly telling you they love you? Are you stuck like glue to someone's hip?
this is something for you to think about in your own character make up. put that aside and take a good look at what you've got. if you still decide it's coming up short, then trust your instincts. I think you are entitled to having a full fledged romance in the style you prefer. This however may just be a lesson for you along the way, food for thought. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:16:28 AM | Being clingy is smothering if your partner is not a clinger. I feel its an insecurity that can be worked on. You are wondering if he loves you as much when hes not with you as he does when your together. The, why doesnt he want to be with me question. HE DOES!!!!!!! Just not every minute he is not working or sleeping. Trust in what he tells you. If he didnt care, he wouldnt keep coming back.
If he is a social person and has other people in his life that he enjoys spending time with it does not negate his feelings for you.
Making another person your whole life is not the best way to live. Have your own network of friends, and when he is busy call them up and do girly things for the day.
If however, you enjoy being clingy then go find a partner with the same clinginess level. That is if you equate being clingy with love. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:46:24 AM | IMO, clingy is a flaw to be corrected. Even if you're with another clingy person, you must retain a certain level of independence. Your partner should never, ever be responsible for your happiness.
Being in love with someone doesn't mean living in each other's pocket, spending every free moment together. Yes, you can spend a lot of time together but you have a life outside of the relationship. You have friends, interests, hobbies. It's not because you have a guy in your life that you must drop them. Way too many people (young and older) make that mistake. A new partner and pfffff they're gone, disappear from everyone's radar, never to be seen until the guy/girl left the scene.
My suggestion for you would be to believe what he says, look at relationships in a different, more mature way. Look at what he does. When you call, does he answer? when you email, or text, does he get back to you? How does he react when you ask to spend time together? How does he react when you express your feelings? All these things will give you the answers you need. And trutst him when he says he loves you.
Do you do stuff alone? like seeing a movie, go shopping, stop for coffee and read a book or do people watching? if you don't, start doing them. Learn to love your own company, heck, if the guy loves you, it must mean you're a great person right? why not want to spend time with that person? Be your best friend and most of all, enjoy your relationship! | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:56:10 AM | Part of this situation sounds very familiar. Though I don't consider myself to be clingy, I sometimes want more of my guy's time than he is willing to give. So I've had to adjust my expectations, and that hasn't been easy. But I've succeeded, have given him his space, and our relationship is better than ever.
Making another person your whole life is not the best way to live. Have your own network of friends, and when he is busy call them up and do girly things for the day.
Excellent advice. I would add that it helps to not make yourself so available. Be legitimately busy doing other things sometimes when he contacts you. Not only will that help occupy your mind and keep you from obsessing about him, but it will make you a more interesting person. Best of luck to you. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:03:21 AM | | Being clingy is never a good thing. You need to value yourself more as a whole individual and not so much as half of something else. Eventually, if you continue to seach out other clingy persons, you will meet a true controll freak. And nothing says I love you like a black eye and a broken wrist. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:04:02 AM | I do think clingy-ness is more a personality trait - but there is much to be said for giving a man his space.
I am much more 'touchy feely' than my SO (rub his back, feet, play 'footsie'). Some might call it clingy. He's mentioned it, and I've tried to 'scale back'. However, I have noticed that when I do - he initiates the touching ;-) Which I have to say (as a confessed 'clinger') is even better!
Might I make a suggestion, try (just for a day or two) to give him as much space as humanly possible - let him come to you (to kiss goodbye in the morning) - don't call him, make plans to do something on your own or with a friend after work. . . you may both be surprised at how much he really appreciates your 'clinginess'. Afterall, I see being 'touchy' as showing my appreciation for my SO. And everybody likes to be appreciated. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:08:06 AM | OP, no offense, but this is at least the third different thread you've had in the last week or so complaining about this guy that you live with. One said he was acting suspiciously secretive online (huge potential problem), one mentioned sexual inadequacy or at least incompatibility, and now you're back questioning whether or not its all your fault for being too clingy. I know you are just looking for answers, but the plain and simple truth is you are just young, and you have to figure some of this stuff out on your own, even if it entails some heartache for you.
Granted, we're only getting your side of the story here, but it sounds like you question this guy about how he feels, and if you don't get the answer you like, you rationalize it some way until it seems OK with you, even if that means blaming yourself. And post a thread about it of course. He may love you very much, but doesn't express it well; if that bothers you so much that you constantly question the relationship, either deal with it and realize that's who he is, or move on, since there is an incompatibility there that you can't accept. Or he may be playing games online and exploring his options, and you are way too good for his sorry butt. Only you can make those determinations. Its fine to want to be affectionate and physically demonstrative with your partner, but there is a point where all that clinging edges into insecurity on your part. Perhaps you need to learn to be comfortable by yourself first, and overcome that need to be with someone, before you can be in a relationship where affectionate isn't clinging and you can both be comfortable with some time to yourselves. Sadly, for most of us that only comes with experience and lessons learned the hard way. Good luck to you! | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:27:31 AM | My feelings about the situation is:
you cannot fight your basic nature and should find someone who is good with your basic nature and not try to change who you are.
Could just be you have the wrong partner. You should find someone who likes you as you are and his personality and ego are in check and not threatened by yours.
Your saying you dont have the need for lots of space in a relationship and want emotional closeness. I suggest that you not date one man at a time but keep free and just meet men, lots of them until you see there are many types of men and when you start to date one its because he meshes with your ideals and personality.
The problem you have made with the guy you mention in post 1 is that your taking the incompatibility between the two of you, personally. With more maturity and experience you will learn the right way to handle relationships like that is to not only move slowly when getting in them, but to get away from ones that don't work before they become toxic for you.
Listen to your head, being manly is not excuse to take someone for granted or need so much space the partner is upset. You are responsible for your own happiness and if your head is telling to he's not right for you, your prolly right. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:27:43 AM | You want to know what clingy is? The last person I dated took it to the extreme. Was at my work everyday when I got off. Checked my cell phone to see who called me. Checked my computer to see the sites I visited. Purposely was mean to my friends so they wouldn't come around. Didn't give me any space to just breathe.
It took me close to a year to get rid of her and during that time, I never even had sex with her. Didn't want to nor did I cheat on her. She was that screwed up to stick around and think that I would want her. She constantly complained that I wasn't compassionate enough or romantic enough. Or that I didn't go to her house enough and she even got mad when I went and visited a friend. And when she felt that I was pulling away, she would pull the suicide card on me. One time I really thought she went through with it and I had to have the cops kick down my front door to make sure she was still alive (I was at work BTW). After that, I really didn't care if she did kill herself or not nor can I be held responsible for someone doing something like that. And finally, she figured out I wasn't going to change my mind about her and she left. Thankfully, she's out of my life once and for all.
And you want to know what the real kicker is? The final call I had with her told me all I really needed to know. She told me that even with all the dedication she put in the relationship, that I was never satisfied. What she calls dedication, I call needy and clingy. What a messed up person.
You OP had better read the above and think twice about your insecurities. Your man is already trying to figure out a way to get away from you without going through what I did. The real thing to think about is it's not him, it's you who is responsible for causing it. You want him to fall in line with your thinking and if he doesn't, your rationale is to think something is going on behind your back. It's not, it's just you.
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:32:55 AM |
Now before you hiss at me for being clingy, just think about my situation and try and put yourself in my shoes.
I was in your shoes until about 5 yrs ago Aprilrain. Until I realized that what I was doing was just as selfish as my ex constantly telling me that I didn't live up to his definition of love (even though that definition changed daily).
I was looking to him to make me happy. I wanted to do everything I could to please him, but I expected something in return.
I did a lot of work on myself (counselling, reading books), and learned that I am the only person responsible for my happiness. I am like your bf now...I need space sometimes. I need my time to be able to do the things that interest me. Most of my hobbies are not something that most men want to be involved in.
I think you are taking a first step at looking at the relationship realistically, admitting your differences. The question I guess I have is: would you be comfortable changing who you are, not for him, but for yourself. Because you cannot change for him, it has to be for yourself. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:35:14 AM | "You want to know what clingy is? The last person I dated took it to the extreme. Was at my work everyday when I got off. Checked my cell phone to see who called me. Checked my computer to see the sites I visited. Purposely was mean to my friends so they wouldn't come around. Didn't give me any space to just breathe. "
That's not clingy...thats an insecure control psycho stalker. | |
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