| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:50:12 AM | I've been seeing someone that I met in POF for a few months. He's having issues with an ex-girlfriend. I don't expect him to no have anything to do with her, as they have a child together. The truth is, she is an annoyance.
She has contacted me through my profile here to make sure I knew every negative thing he has done or has had happen to him. She basically was hoping that I would be so disgusted by what she told me, that I'd walk away. That didn't happen.
Next she went on to tell him lies about. Not just small little lies, but HUGE hurtful lies. Long story short....my son (who was not quite 5) disappeared 3 years ago this month. No foul play suspected. He's assumed to have drowned, but has never been recovered. She told the guy I'm seeing that I am now divorced because my ex-husband could no longer deal with the fact that I killed my son and hid his body.
For the record, #1: I was not present when he disappeared. There were 3 adults and 5 other children around when it happened. I have never and will never be a suspect, even the FBI doesn't suspect foul play. #2: I was the one to file and push for divorce. The issue of our son was NOT the underlying cause for our divorce, although you can say that it didn't help matters any.
I need advice. How do I deal with this woman? Other than a few emails, I have not had any contact with her. Thankfully, he never considered, even for a moment, that what she told him was truth. I'm generally a very level-headed person. I'm slow to anger. But this woman has filled me with rage I have never really experienced before. I'm not sure what I would do if I ever met this woman. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:07:28 AM | I have gone through a similar experience,
I had met someone who had become a friend, his ex was dealing with child protective services, something I have never had to do and would never have wanted to. Anyways when his ex found out we were getting along and such she had a talk with her worker (mind you I had never met and/or spoke to this women before and she lived in a different city). Next thing I knew I had a worker at my child's school talking with her and then at my house. I had to show her my fridge, my cupboards, my children's rooms, she had to look over my son and then explained to me she had already spoke to my daughter at school.
Ofcourse, there was nothing on me, my fridge and cupboards were and are always full, my children have their own rooms with proper furniture and such and my home is always kept clean. The worker left and apologized for the inconvienced and assured me a file would not be open on me.
This friend of mine's ex figured this would scare me off and I would stop talking to him. Since it had nothing directly to do with my friend I was not going to hold it against him. I do not like drama nor do I keep it in my life but I gave him the benefit of the doubt this time. Later, I had a phone call from the police station in the city this woman lived. Apparently she had put in an harrassment complaint. I made it aware to the officer that I did not know her phone number nor do I want to know it.
I remained friends with this guy, and just made him aware that I do not want drama in my life and I especially do not want anything to affect my children. I knew it wasn't his fault, however I didn't want to get involved so just asked this friend to talk with his ex and see if they can get closure if that is what was needed for her to be able to move on. I said that when this has happened I will be happy to befriend him. We talked and such in the meantime just less than before. She eventually got bored, and realized I was a lot stronger emotionally and a lot more mature and wasn't going to fight so to speak; and she accepted what she had to in order to move on.
It can be tough but hopefully things get better for you and this woman begins to accept and realize if it's not you it will just be another person anyways.
Good luck and wish you the best.
P.S. Sorry to hear about your child and it is ashamed you are having it thrown back in your face! | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 1:49:40 PM | People like that are disturbed. She is obviously miserable with her own life and can't bear to see others happy. Keep your head up and don't let her BS affect or hurt you. HOpefully once she realizes you're not going anywhere, she'll either bore or move on. Maybe she'll seek help in the meantime although not likely by the sounds of things. Don't give her the satisfaction of coming between the 2 of you. The best revenge is living a happy life...
I am so sorry to hear about your son. HUGS Using that traumatic experience against you in any way shows how low of a person she is and to most, this would/will be completely transparent. GL! | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 1:53:02 PM | I do not like to make assumptions about people or to the state of their mental health but I am sorry, I need to break my own rules here. She is crazy. I mean, she needs some lithium crazy. You lost your son, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine going through something like that. My heart goes out to you. Only someone with a severe chemical imbalance would create stories like that as to what happened with your son.
I can understand that he needs to be in contact with her if they have a child together but you need to tell him that if he does not put an end to her conduct, that you are gone.
She is sick for sure.
~Carrie | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 2:06:59 PM | How devastating about your son. My heart feels your pain. People can be cruel and vicious dont let their craziness and stupidity stir you to anger.
My son was killed at the age of 16 because a dog ran into the road and in an attemt to avoid the dog he hit a utility pole.
In my State when there is a one car, one person accident the car is automatically impounded and blood work done on the driver. Long story short they ripped the car apart and found nothing and the blood work was also clean. But that did not prevent some from saying he must have been drinking or on drugs.
Turn your anger into something more positive. I found that anger only affects the person feeling it. It has no affect on the person it is directed toward. So I turned my anger to compassion.
The bizarre need for some to turn a tragedy into something henious and negative must take an abudance of energy that I have no time for.
Block this woman from every area of your life that you possibly can.
Unfortunately your SO cant do that as they have a child. He however does not have the right to bring that negativity into your space. It's his to deal with.
Good Luck and Blessings to you | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:04:33 PM | | You have to ask yourself, is this man important enough to you to have this insane level of drama in your life? No man is worth getting this much grief. I am sure he's a nice man but as long as he has a child with this person she will be around forever. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:37:55 PM | Well I like all the advice you have been getting.. basically it is your choice.. do you want to put up with this B.S.??? and have him... or have no B.S. and no him.. that is the bottom line.
I do not think that he can stop her from doing her crazy _hit.. but I think you need to look at how he handles her and decide if that will be an assurance to you in times of stress when she is acting like a psycho. If he is strong and supportive of you and protects you from her then I say go with it.. but if he wimps out.. walk away. I know for me the support and affirmation that he gives me especially when she is attacking you would be very important in my decision. But bottom line is this.. it is his kid with her and his problem not yours.. and this is how you are going to have to see it and behave if you decide to stay with him.
I am so sorry OP for your loss.. what a terrible thing to happen to you.. my heart aches for you. God bless you. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:58:41 PM | Thats a lot of drama, how much do you like this guy?
I have been stalked twice in my life, both times by women.
First time was the ex of a guy I had just started dating. She left long rambling messages on my voice mail and once I found her asleep in her car outside my apartment when I was leaving early in the morning. She showed up at a friends backyard BBQ with her Rottweiler and released her dog on me, but there were others there who prevented the dog from injuring me.
That relationship lasted a few years in spite of the drama.
The second time was worse, altho this womans insanity was mostly directed at the man involved, she showed up at my place with a gun. The law got involved that time.
I bailed on that relationship, I decided not to play around with that.
Hell hath no fury... | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:50:20 PM | I agree with someone asking how much do you like this guy? If you like him or are in love with him then all you can try to do is block her out the best you can and step one is block her from your email. I had to do this with an ex. I also had to involve the police when I was proffesionally stalked by people he paid to watch my house and report back to him.
I've only had a problem with one of my ex partners ex wife. She was relentless but the problem was she was fueled by ex partner co he just couldnt stop stirring her up and she took it out on me but at the time I couldnt see that.
Just be on your guard and if you love your guy then her words will hurt but you know the truth between the 2 of you and you have to stick together. I got rid of my ex and moved on without the drama in the end and Im so much happier. They had children together so she would never of been out of my life x | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:54:16 PM | | It is HIS job to deal with this ex and get the situation under control. If he cannot do it, then he is not ready for a relationship with you and you will have nothing but problems. Incidentally, if the x continues to call you, notify the police or use whatever system your phone company has in place to catch prank callers. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:08:42 PM | She is not yours to deal with. Your boyfriend needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never to contact you again. You can block her from contacting you on POF.
How in the heck did she even know about your son at all? Does she know you?
You need to tell your guy that if he wants to be with you, then his contact with the ex needs to be in reference to the kid and the kid ONLY. HE is perpetuating this by giving her an audience when she is blabbing about you. He's allowing her to do it, and if he refuses to listen to her anymore, she'll have to stop it.
On the phone, if it's not about the kid, he needs to tell her that he has nothing else to talk to her about. If she won't shut up, he needs to hang up. If he's in her presence, the first time she opens her trap about you, he leaves. It's the only way she is going to stop.
He has to tell her that they have nothing to talk about but the kid...he will not be discussing you or listening to anything about you, ever again, from her.
By participating in letting her do this, your boyfriend is no better than she is, IMO. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:10:57 PM | | OP- I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel. As far as the boyfriend goes... how much do you like this guy? Is he anywhere NEAR worth what you're dealing with from his ex? The woman sounds more than crazy. Honestly, if I were in your position, I'd be running for my life. Crazy/vindictive exes are the main reason I've been cautious about dating single fathers. I love children, but sometimes a damaged ex makes it too hard to deal with. Please block her from contacting you here (if you already haven't). | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:12:55 PM | | omg what a horrifying experience you've gone thru, I'm so sorry for your loss. She's revealed herself completely by using such a deeply personal loss for her own gain - not worth the fight. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:17:58 PM |
She has contacted me through my profile here .....Looks like the guy you are seeing has quite a few conversations with his ex.....about YOU and your private life, how else would she know how to find you and how else would she connect you to your missing child?
I would back away from this situation and everyone connected with it. Too much drama to deal with here. The man you are seeing must know what type of person she is so why didn't he 'protect' you from this woman by simply keeping his mouth shut!
PS: I'm so sorry to hear about your son it must be extremely painful for you to have to relive everything. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:36:56 PM | Wow - now that is some crazy shit that this total stranger is putting you through. I hope you think this guy is worth it. But even if he isn't - you don't owe us any explanation any more than you do her. People will think what the want. What bothers me is that even though she is an ex, she is wreakng havoc not only in his life, but in yours. She clearly can't let go if she has to try to scare you off. And what is all of this doing to that child they share as well? Talk about crazy stuff.
If you want to be with this man then you need to set some parameters to protect yourself and those you care about. If she is this out of control now - what happens if you do get serious with this man? You need to talk to him about what is happening and where its going and how you are both going to deal with this person. Protect yourself and those you care about.
jtf | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:40:51 PM | i may just be nosey here, but im wondering what HIS reaction was? and what did HE do in the aftermath?
i agree with the poster who said no man is worth that amount of drama. actually, thats not drama, thats EVILNESS!
i maaaay get frowned upon for this assumption, but im thinking if they have a child together, and that child lives with the mother....you have even more drama in the future x2. 
i can't even bring myself to comment on the disappearance of your son.  | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:42:23 PM | OP.
I really have very little to say, that has not already been said.
What an evil vindictive **** of an excuse of a woman. I have siad it before and am sure in this life I will say it again.
"You can't fix stupid".
What a 'brave' person you are to share this loss with us. Please take some comfort from the certain knowledge that every decent person who reads your post will be touched and send our willing you strength to continue.
I wish you and your friend every happiness together.
There are law's in place to protect you from such disgusting people, for example in this country (UK) it would be covered under the 2004 Communications Act. Perhaps speaking to a Police Family liason Officer could help you?
I kind of agree with 'julietjuilet's' post, but toned down somewhat - I am sure your friend meant no harm but an agreement that nothing about you will EVER be discussed with that evil woman again would be a positive step.
Take care of yourself and I wish you well.
John | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:43:11 PM | I guess put me in the camp of "Why does she know about what happened to your son?"
Doesn't seem like something she'd know unless he's sharing your life with her. Its not exactly light conversation.
I am not saying you should punish him for her actions, but you'd probably be better off in the long run letting him deal with her on his own and you find someone else who is not carrying so much baggage. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:39:33 PM | Thanks to everyone for their thoughts. I'd love to post to each individual, but I think that would take me hours. But I will say that I have read each and every post in this discussion, and will continue to do so.
There seems to be a few questions that are prominent. I'll try to answer them.
#1. How does she know so much about me and my son? If you live within 60 miles of me, and I told you my son's name, you would probably have some recollection of hearing his story. My SO said he hasn't said anything to her about me. My son's disappearance was the top news story on all the surrounding news channels for weeks. On top of that, my ex-husband and I did numerous interviews for television and newspapers.
#2. What do I feel for this guy and is it enough to make me put up with the BS? In the short 3 months we've been together, I've grown to love him more than I ever loved my ex-husband, to whom I was married for 18 years. He is ABSOLUTELY worth it!
#3. What was his reaction to her "theory"? He told her she had no right to talk about me in the manner she had. He told her the only connection between them was their son. She then used that to reduce his visitation time.
I love sharing the memory of my son. I don't consider it "brave" to share his story. If you knew his name, you could google it, and he would come up in a few of the top ten articles found. Anyone who knows me or of me can find out almost anything they want to know about his story. The anniversary of his disappearance is coming up in the next few weeks. I'm sure there will be some news coverage. His case is considered unsolved.
For every negative person I've met through his story, I've met 1500 wonderful people. I could never remember the majority of them. However, a few have become very close friends.
I don't plan on letting one "crazy" getting in the way of this relationship.  | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:36:30 PM | Within seconds of this being posted, I'll be deleting my profile here on POF. The time spent here has been interesting to say the least.
The ex mentioned in this thread has made it so that I will no longer be a member here. She's been tracking me, and has taken it out on him. So rather than add fuel to the fire....I'm leaving.
Hope you all the best in your adventures.
Happy 
Beth | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/7/2008 11:03:01 PM | Well first of all.....
Bock her from sending you emails through your profile here. She sounds vindictive and viscious. She will be 'associated' with your boyfriend given they have a child together. No matter how hard you try to ignore her behaviors, she'll still be around. So, you need to keep that in your relationship perspective with this man. It's not going away.
I'm curious as to how your boyfriends feel about this and what he's doing to deal with it/her? I would assume it certainly effects him.
Hang in there. Don't let yourself get sucked into the ex's manipulative mess. Look at it this way; she's the one with the problem. ... ... ... ... not you. | |
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Mizzi
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Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 23 | |
| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/7/2008 11:20:30 PM | Errr, how does his ex know soooo much about your personal life???? If he knows what she is like why would he trust her with such information?
Hmm. I would be very cautious about this situation. After all he chose to have a relationship/child with a very unstable woman.
Forgive her and let her go. It's the only way to move forwards. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/8/2008 1:16:04 AM | | if this woman has a child with the man that you are seeing and you two eventually turn serious, you are eventually going to have to deal with this woman in some way or another. i have had a similar experience, however she did not spread lies nearly as bad as the one this woman is spreading about you. my mother told me, when i was having my problems, to stop and think about if you are going to be able to deal with this woman. you need to look out for your own best interest if this woman is going to cause a ton of stress for you i would say move on because because the rumors and lies are only going to get worse. and you ned to make sure that your health and sanity are in check. i wish you luck with your problem though. | |
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| Dealing with an Ex that doesn't want to move on
Posted: 5/8/2008 1:36:16 AM | First of all grow up; the first second she talked to you, you should have blocked her and moved on. Neither one of you should have any contact with this person.
You are not a level headed person. You should block her, have nothing to do with her. You sound like you kind of like the drama. | |
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