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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:12:47 PM | Hi, my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years recently broke up with me primarily because of my career choices and so she said she "wanted more." I'm assuming a person with more earning potential. I am completing my Masters in Religious Studies and I have now decided to go do another masters in library science since I was also recently rejected from PhD programs. I am in love with the academic scene so I decided I would like to stay in it anyway possible, even in a library. So basically she decided to end it even though she thought I treated her very well, based on the fact that librarians don't make much to her and it will take me another 2 years to finish my second masters.
So she broke up with me about a month and a half ago... so she wanted to be friends... but I found it hurt me way too much to talk to her and not be able to love her fully so I decided to cut off contact without telling her and not contact her until I totally lose all feelings for her.
Up till today, I havent talked to her for about 3 weeks. Unfortunately, like a dumb ass, I couldn't help myself from checking her myspace... what a bad idea. So I've found that she has put on her status "married" and her profile says she is "finally COMPLETE." In addition, she has one of her ex's as her top friends. This felt like a stake to the heart...
My question to you is this... should I contact her and ask her if she's really married? It hurts to think she would get married practically a month after she broke up with me... I'm just looking for some new perspectives on my situation... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:18:21 PM | I think you already know the answer to this. And if twenty people respond, and nineteen of them tell you not to contact her, and one says you should contact her, I think I know who you're going to listen to.
This girl did a number on you. For whatever reason (and I'm not fully buying the one she gave you), she decided to end your relationship. Unfortunately, since the two of you have broken up, what she does really isn't your concern anymore, so asking her if she's married now, as absurd as it may sound, is an intrusion. She probably won't take kindly to that, and you probably won't like the answer she's going to give you. Why put yourself through that? She's already hurt you a great deal. Don't let her come back and do it again.
Just a little piece of advice from someone who was hurt once only to keep coming back time and time again for more -- delete this person from your MySpace friends list, cut her loose altogether, and get on with your life. Either way, you've lost her, but if you walk away now, you can do it with some dignity, which is the least you owe yourself. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:21:38 PM | | People change their myspace status all the time to screw with people. If she is playing such an immature game, forget her. If she's married... forget her! Either way... move on! | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:24:56 PM | This girl is A. a gold digger and B. a self centred **** with little regard for the feelings of others.
Count your blessings, dude, and move on. If she were worthwhile, she'd love you for YOU.
Truthfully, you're much better off without such a toxic presence in your life. I would HATE to live with somebody like her, because by the sounds of it, nothing would ever be good enough for her!
In short, don't contact her, have nothing to do with her. There are much nicer girls out there for the picking, just find one that you have common ground with.
Believe me, this is no loss for you.  | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:28:11 PM | Ok, lets say you do the unthinkable and contact her...You would accomplish what?
Did it not already feel like a stake to the heart to see her myspace page?
The first poster is correct... You two broke up...You said you didn't want a friendship or contact with her, soooo she has moved on, got married, did what ever... This is not something you can change, make better, fix or anything else...
Life is about choices, and sometimes what we choose, or what someone else chooses causes hurt and pain...
I also like what the last poster stated about deleting her off your list, if you haven't done so already, and don't go tomenting yourself further by checking out pictures and what ever else to see if she really did get married.
Today it doesn't matter... IT only hurts, and one day that to will be gone...
Good luck to you.... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:35:37 PM | You can't let a girl like that mess around with your head....
Better to be rid of her NOW than to go through years of torment, I'd say.... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:49:07 PM | Thanks... I suppose I knew I shouldn't contact her, but there's always that weakness inside me that wants to run back to her. I think I just needed some confirmation from people totally outside of my situation.
I know I'm a good guy... hell even her parents were even trying to convince her not leave me. I may not end up with a 100k job, but I know how to treat a person right. Her loss.
I will delete her from my list right now. I gotta keep moving on... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:52:31 PM | Way to go study.....
I understand how tough it is when you still have some feelings for somebody, it can be rough...
But you have to ask yourself...are those feelings reciprocated, and that would be a huge, resounding NO by the sound of it....
You made the right choice.....life is too short to put up with people like that.... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:58:53 PM | | I wouldn't contact her, no. Sounds like kind of a strange situation anyway; how could she get married this fast?? What did they do run off to Vegas, or just some courthouse or ?? Also why check her myspace anyway? All it does is torment yourself further. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:00:21 PM | This twit isn't married, she's only playing head games with you.
I'm glad you saw the light and scrapped her.... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:07:41 PM | Thanks guys... She is probably thinking I would check her myspace. She's probably trying to hurt me because the last time we spoke about 3 weeks ago, we returned a few things we still had of ours, and I was speaking to her parents about my future with her in the room. In this convo, I told her parents that I was thinking about moving to Las Vegas for a fresh start and to be closer to my father (note I hadn't told her anything about this plan). And right when I said that she left the room saying that she needed to go to sleep.
So you guys are right... there's no way she would get married that fast. And shes just trying to hurt me by showing she's moved on so quickly because I'm not crawling back to her. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:13:37 PM | Sure contact her you facespace stalker.... Looked at yourprofile Religious studies eh? you look like a creep to me and admitted to stalking your exe's profile. My ex giorlfriends sometimes stalk my POF page and my facespace. Yes I combined both sites. Mwa ha ha! It does not matter if you contact ehr or not but if you ahve innner demons to release what do you have to lose by contacting her? Your virginity? Or finding out she is in a serious relationship or married to her best friend who's another dude you probably hung out with many times. its kind of tough to be friends with a girl who has many guy friends especially when she dated 90% of them. I have been there. But even women don;t like other women. When a guy see's one of their friends dressed up and looking all nice he never calls him an A-hole. But women do it allt eh time to their girlfriends. So if this si something you need to get over go for it. I say jsut keep on fishing!  | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:22:46 PM | If you found that the milk in your fridge was spoiled. Would you put it back and think to yourself. "Mabye it will be good tomorrow"
Same thing here. The milk is spoiled. Don't bother going back for a drink, you will just get a bad taste in your mouth. Move on and Good Luck to you...
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:34:10 PM | | Whether or not she's married, the fact that she quickly moved on would alert one to the fact that she was most likely already involved with this other person prior to you breaking up. Unless you want more news you can't recover from I suggest you just accept it for what it is and look for someone else that will actually treat you like you treat them. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:38:07 PM | Definitely not.
You'll compromise your self-respect and, if nothing else, appear needy to her.
Let it go. Full stop.
Then, go create a life YOU enjoy. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:43:35 PM | Bud, forget her- you don't need people in your life who don't understand you- or want to. It's possible she could be married, yes. but would finding out do you any good? No, it would just re-enforce yet more negative feelings- and who wants negative feelings? Go concentrate on your career and better yourself- do new things. I've recently split with my ex and to be honest she's doing the same thing. Block her page, email, phone, and forget about her. She is only trying to hurt you, so don't let her. Go be single for a while- yip it's wierd but the rewards are great- you finally get to know who you are. I've spent the last year with a rebound girl, who tried to control me, and is currently spreading lies about me on here. She did nothing but make me feel guilty for everything I did- and to be honest- I let her do it, until I told her to leave as I'd had enough. Don't settle for second best mate, you can do better. And only you can change it. My condolonces for your pain, but try to be more true to yourself next time :)
good luck bud :) | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:04:52 PM | I think perhaps you should worry less about her and get a grip on yourself.
The split is likely much less about your earning potential as the fact that you seem incapable of choosing or completing the education to have a career. What was the original intent in the religious studies and you say nothing about seeking work in that field? If the woman was at all ready to settle down at the beginning of your relationship, particularly if she is feeling the biological clock, she has already waited a couple of years. Most people would like a little time with the spouse before they start cranking out babies so you are looking at another three to four years before she can entertain having a family.
You do not indicate whether you cohabitated or if your continued student status, four years after most are done and working, was in any way a financial burden for her even if it was merely all of the things that could not be done because there was no money. Now you lay on her that having been rejected from the PhD programs (which she may have been silently rejoicing) that you have found a new way to while away a couple of more years in academia instead of getting out in the world to see what you are made of, and that is supposed to be okay? And in two years, do you decide, no you want to go in another direction and study something else?
Did you discuss any of your choices with her or make her a part of the decisions that you made? Librarians in major metropolitan areas make good money, starting. I suspect that she was concerned that you would continue to find reasons to remain in school just as some men or women keep telling the spouse they are still not ready to have a child because....At some point one recognizes that the time will never be right because the other person doesn't really want children just as you apparently have no clue about a career. To her you may have been sacrificing her family for your wants and needs.
I work with students. I have seen many go straight for the masters which is understandable particularly if mom and dad are footing the bill. But in other cases, the kids could not find a job so they figure that a master's is the solution. While it is a great thing to have on a resume, employers also look for experience and if you are not marketable with your bachelor's, you are not going to be more marketable because you have your advanced degree, probably less so with the schooling and no practical experience. Some people need to recognize that they must begin somewhere and eat their pride and take a job that doesn't pay well to start getting their feet wet in how to apply what they have learned in a real world setting.
Whether she is married or not, the ship has sailed. You need to stop thinking about yourself in relation to her. Leave her alone and allow her to find her own happiness. Evaluate your choices, take responsibility for their consequences, and make sure you are really ready for a responsible, mature relationship before you get into another one. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:27:07 PM | ^^^
I get your points and I understand that having a family and establishing one set career is important. I fully agree that I will not get involved until I'm established in my career.
However, I was never confused about my career. When we got together she knew I wanted to become a professor and obtain my PhD. She knew how long it would take and she was even willing to travel with me to wherever I did my PhD.
You see, the bad thing about religious studies is that tenure track positions are hard to come by if you don't have a PhD from a top tier school. In other words, an MA will not cut it in regards to landing a tenure track position. So when I told her I was rejected from the last school, I told her about my decision to become a librarian because I thought it would be it would be easier to find a better paying position (taking into consideration that I wanted to support a family with her because being an adjunct professor doesn't make alot of money). I also told her that libarians can make 45-50k starting and can go up to 80k. She told me exactly this, "people can make that out of high school." And she also told me that when I first told her about my decision to become a librarian, she thought to herself "that was it," meaning that she wanted to break up with me right when she heard about my new career decision.
You maybe right, she may have thought that I'm now drifting around from career to career with no set goal and path. However, I have always let it be known from the beginning that I wanted to be a professor and if not, at least obtain some sort of career in academia.
So I agree with you, I must take responsibility for myself and stick to a career path, which in my opinion, I have tried to do. I will also leave her alone and I sincerely wish her the ultimate happiness. As for my career, unfortunately, it wasn't enough for her standards. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:45:27 PM | by the way... I have also tried my hardest to get into PhD schools. I have 4.0 gpa, established great relationships with my professors who wrote me great letters of recs, submitted one of my articles for publication in a peer-reviewed journal, been working as a Teaching Assistant for a Buddhism class for 2 years (the entire time of my MA), taken 2 years of German, 1 year of Sanskrit, and 1 year of Tibetan. I also have a 3.7 gpa in my undergrad which I also did in Religious Studies.
I did not go into my MA program because I wanted to put off the "real world." I honestly worked my ass off and I didn't get in to a PhD program. I think what killed me was that I was comming from a state school and not an ivy league caliber type school.
Anyways, I guess I'm telling you this because I have put in alot of effort towards my career. It's just that I have realized that this career path of becoming a professor has hit a dead end for me, so I decided to become a librarian to stay close to academia with the thought that if I can't become a professional scholar, at least I can help others to become scholars.
So basically, I chose to become a librarian with the knowledge that I must make money to support a family if I ever had one, while staying true to my love for academia. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:52:43 PM |
You do not indicate whether you cohabitated or if your continued student status, four years after most are done and working, was in any way a financial burden for her even if it was merely all of the things that could not be done because there was no money.
We did live together, and she did want to buy a house, which I couldn't afford. So by your definition of "financial burden" meaning that something that couldn't be done without money, then yeah, I suppose I was a financial burden even though I paid my way, did more than her share of housework, and paid for everything when we went out. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:08:16 AM | There are a few places that different decisions might have made a difference. It would not have hurt your career to have gotten some time in a non-tenure track position while you finished the PhD work, even if that was delayed somewhat by continuing to apply to programs.
I think what I was hearing in your original post and this one was that you didn't say, the applications have been turned down, I am thinking of changing fields to one that has good job security, room for advancement, etc., what do you think? You informed her of a decision after-the-fact, clearly illustrating that her feelings and concerns did not matter.
I suspect that she was okay with your plan when you two started out and I fault her for becoming dissatisfied enough to apparently not say anything to you or not pursue you about it until you heard her, relative to needing some changes in life a little more quickly than they seemed to be happening. People often intellectually think something that they are really not jazzed about is doable, but doing it day after day, year after year becomes tiring. Then they adopt the mindset that if they can just make it to the milestone, then things will start to fall into place and what you did without realizing it was yank that milestone out from under her. That was her lifeline in the relationship, the light at the end of the tunnel that gave her hope.
I suspect communication broke down a long time ago. This house, if she earned a good living, was doable as long as you were contributing a similar share in terms of what portion of your income was contributed to the household. Many women earn more than men and most people operate with money that is separate as well as a portion of both incomes that are pooled. Or they split the bills. She pays the house payment, you pay utilities and food, or whatever combination works. People do not realize that cohabitation is very similar to marriage and some type of professional advice such as premarital counseling that urges questions about finances, children and many other issues are brought up that you don't think to ask until it is too late and you find you are on totally different pages.
It hurts now, but if you were really suited to each other, you would have found a way to work through your problems instead of at least on her part, letting them escalate until the point of no return. Sacrificing current happiness for the unknown potential of future bliss is risky. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:33:50 AM |
suspect that she was okay with your plan when you two started out and I fault her for becoming dissatisfied enough to apparently not say anything to you or not pursue you about it until you heard her, relative to needing some changes in life a little more quickly than they seemed to be happening.
Your totally right. I didn't inform her of my career change until after the fact, and I didn't include her in my decision. I didn't bring it up to her in that fashion, although, I did tell her those points after the fact.
And communication was always a problem... she never told me what was wrong until she blew up on me. And on my part, I always thought that my career was my decision and her's was her decision. My mentality was that whatever she decided to do was her decision and mine would be mine. But you have helped me learn that it should have been more of a team discussion because after all, a relationship does entail the utmost openness in communication and in life decision.
In regards to the milestone for her, I think you called it perfectly. I can honestly say she probably did get tired of waiting around and the big milestone never came, and in its place, a swift decision was taken without considering her feelings on the matter.
As for our communication and life decisions together, now that I think about it, we both lacked the communication that would make a viable relationship work. She decided she wanted to buy a house without even telling me. I had to find out by hearing her speak to her parents on the phone. And I wanted to become a librarian without telling her. In the end, we were on different pages.
Thank you for helping me to see what I was doing wrong in a constructive manner. This has honestly made me feel better about letting her go and wishing her genuine happiness in her life.
Next time I will be more open with my life decisions with anybody who decides to share their life with me. Until then, I will work my hardest to establish my career first, then work my hardest at open communication if I ever find someone who wants to share their life with me. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:41:31 AM | Sorry! I meant to quote this instead of the quote above.
I think what I was hearing in your original post and this one was that you didn't say, the applications have been turned down, I am thinking of changing fields to one that has good job security, room for advancement, etc., what do you think? You informed her of a decision after-the-fact, clearly illustrating that her feelings and concerns did not matter. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:27:09 AM | | well first off sounds like that was her way out, and boy if she cant except you for what you want to do with your life, then you are better off. and if she got married right after then so be it, she will find a reason to get rid of him to. dont worry, you were better off not contacting her or talking to her because its hard to get over someone if you are still in contact. and this was probably a good thing you checked out her profile maybe her and the ex were together when you were with her and she chose him, so be it move on you deserve better, dont let anyone change your career, if you enjoy it then that is your choice, shows she is money hungry anyway. good luck! | |
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