| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/8/2008 9:55:09 PM | Has anyone actually done this and gone on to stay in a loving happy relationship?
About a month ago my girlfriend broke up with me, it was a shock as everything was going fine (same old sinario) and then on the easter weekend her ex showed up. They hadn't seen each other for over two years after previously being in a five year relationship. Now, my girl told me he was going to be in town and asked if she could go have drinks with him, which i said ok too. I was secure in knowing she loved me and she would never cheat, so i didn't mind her seeing him.
Now after that weekend everything just went weird between us, she wasn't talking as much as usual and she didn't look at me the same as she did prior to the meeting. Then a week later she breaks up with me and finding that hard to deal with i quit my job and left town almost instantly.
Since then i have seen and spoken to her once where she was upfront about what she has been doing since. Basicly she's been with 4 different guys, drinks almost everyday, has gotten a tatoo and smokes alot of pot, all things of which are really out of character for her. so now not only do i miss her i worry about her. She has also been driving to see her ex 3 times a week, but assures me that they are not back together. (She goes to him because her friends and family have givin her a hard time over the split as i was in favour with them all and they dont see why we broke up, especially if it was for him which they all hate)
So three days ago i get a message from her asking how i was and that she misses me. What do i make of this?
I really want her back, i'm willing to let her get all this partying and ****ing out of the way if she wants but i really do want her back. I think her seeing her ex was a bit of a shock to the sytem because from what i've heard they had a horrible break up witch was tough on my girl and that may have scared her away from our relationship.
I just know that i dont want to lose her without a fight, especially if she is not thinking straight or has been influenced by something. I want to message her but at the same time i want to keep my distance. I'm betting nearly everyone here has been through this, what do i do? | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/8/2008 10:00:25 PM | | I'd suggest you put distance between yourself and her, she doesn't sound trust worthy, you wanna be constantly worrying every time she leaves the house wondering what she's doing or where she's going. My 15 year relationship went out similar, I love her a great deal, but common sense says no way do I wan't her back to relive it all again. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/8/2008 10:14:17 PM | You know what? I think you are a great guy, with a big heart, who deserves to be in a loving relationship with someone who is just as great and loving as you are. With that said, only you know your heart and what you can forgive. I say talk to her. See what is going on with her. If she wants you back, help her straighten out her life. Tell her that she needs to get away from this ex. Not because you are jealous or don't trust her, but because he influences her to make bad choices. Tell her you care about her and want to help her. It sounds like she just made very poor choices and that she may be regreting them. If you can forgive her, if you want to make things work with her, let her know. I think distancing yourself from her isnt going to solve anything, unless you do it because you want things to be over between you and her. Be her friend, help her get past this point in her life. If she really wants to return to what you had before, it will make you guys closer in the long run. I hope things work out for you! | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/8/2008 10:21:47 PM | I'll start off sounding mean. But don't worry, good things are at the end.
Dump her. Rid everything you can that necessarily reminds you of her. Never listen to whatever music Australians listen to. I'm not good at breakups, because I don't pursue relationships. But the few I did have, and the few I did almost face life in the eye, I overcome because I'm awesome. Throw on some Sinatra, grab a bottle of whiskey, drink it down, mellow out for the next day.
Come the following day, since you've consumed your concoction of Awesome, you'll realize the things around you aren't awesome. Buy suits. Buy lots of suits. And french-cuff shirts, and nice cuff links. Ties, shoes, pocket squares if they're your thing, maybe a tie-bar. You will never be mistaken for a self-loathing weakling in Bro Society. You'll be Fidel Casbro.
And when you've accomplished this feat, of having an awesome wardrobe, looking Fresh, you're now in Awesomeland. You will forget your hypothetically(if you follow through with my reccomindations) lost girlfriend when you have ladies crawling up the inseams of your Brooks Brothers slacks, looking super beast with a power-suit that only women wish they could touch.
You can be awesome. You can be Mt Vesuvius, splooging llavawesome amongst the masses, leaving children to burn deeply, and burying their homes in a heap of ash, and walk away grinning.
I told a bro something recently. "There's only two reasons why you should hook up with an ex. Breast implants."
Btw, seal club clubbing this weekend. WHO'S IN? | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 1:39:19 AM | I know you want her back, but would it really be the best thing for you? You seem like such a very nice young man with a positive attitude about life, don't you think you deserve a very nice young woman who also has a positive attitude about life?
Yes I have been there, done that and wore that sad little t-shirt. That is why I feel the best thing you could do is to forget about her, and move forward with you life. Frankly I feel you deserve a lot better than her. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:06:38 AM | What I am about to tell you . . . . it is the end-all, be-all for getting back with exes. It is probably top-secret - and all women will deny it. . . nonetheless, I speak the truth. I assure you.
This is how you get back with an ex: You start dating someone new, and make sure the ex finds out about it, some way or another. Trust me - once she has that knowledge, she will want you back with a vengeance. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:14:31 AM | Someone hurts you once.........shame on them...........hurts you twice...........shame on you!!!
I'm sorry but having been in the situation whereby someone has treated me badly and I've forgiven them it didn't work, the past comes back to haunt you both and you end up destroying each other.
Say good bye....Grow from it......move on........there are pleanty of lovely people out there the world is too big a place to be stuck on one person!!!
Good luck x | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:04:42 AM | """ Basicly she's been with 4 different guys, drinks almost everyday, has gotten a tatoo and smokes alot of pot, all things of which are really out of character for her. so now not only do i miss her i worry about her"""
Uh, no one can force her to drink or party, I don't think that's anything new for anyone who does it. And since this has a long history starting WHEN SHE WAS 16 OR SO, I say, be really really careful. Does that help? General advice "Hang with the Winners".
edit: """This is how you get back with an ex: You start dating someone new, and make sure the ex finds out about it, some way or another. Trust me - once she has that knowledge, she will want you back with a vengeance""
Hmm, I'll admit I'm not the sharpest stick in the bush, even though I can poke you good, but do I sense some hidden advice there? | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:35:58 AM | This is how you get back with an ex: You start dating someone new, and make sure the ex finds out about it, some way or another. Trust me - once she has that knowledge, she will want you back with a vengeance.
Dating someone just to get someone else is very cruel to the new person you are dating. You seem like a sensitive person, I dont think you would want to hurt someone new and advise you dont take this advice. If things are going to work out for you and her, throwing a third party into the mix is NOT a good idea, it will just bring further complications. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:55:16 AM | WARNING! This sounds like control issues!
"I just know that i dont want to lose her without a fight" Them's fighting words, and those who have control issues pick fights.
"I'm betting nearly everyone here has been through this" Is a way to justify your actions/feelings. No, many of us have not been through this. Many of us have had mutually monogamous long-term relationships. What you're doing is called Obfuscation.
"I think her seeing her ex was a bit of a shock to the sytem..." Is blaming. Another form of obfuscation.
"i quit my job and left town almost instantly" WTF?? Over a break-up? Where's your priorities, man?
And last, there's more to the substance abuse issue than you are telling. (there always is, eh?)
Good luck with this one. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:25:33 AM | 1: Not control issues at all. If you got home from work and found everything in your house had been stolen you'd put in some sort effort to try and get it back befor going out and getting all new stuff. I just want to know that atleast i tried and failed then not try at all and wonder what would have happend.
2: Not everyone would have wanted their ex back as much as me, i agree, however everyone has had an ex befor and most people would have atleast givin some thought into getting back with that person. I just wanted advice.
C: I agree, i'm trying to blame something other than myself because i wasn't at fault, i did nothing wrong in the relationship. Yes, i'm finding it easier to think of ridiculas reasons rather than concede that she doesn't love me anymore.
4: I quit my job because my only friends in that town were also her friends (her friends first befor mine), her family and a few older people i worked with. The job wasn't that great and so i decided i would return to my true friends and family and give her some space that she said she needed.
5: She'd never used drugs in her life, she would drink probably twice a week which is about that same as most others in the town. After we split she completely changed into a different person, shutting everyone out bar her ex. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:47:44 AM | | Let go!!!!.....no one belongs to you, you have to let this go give up any and all control. She needs to find herself, and it maybe a very long journey back to you. Wish her well and start taking care of yourself. Always extend out the kind hand, it sounds to me like she has some deep seeded problems that you may not even know about. Remember that they do not say that "patience is a virtue" for nothing. Exercise that here, and be willing to help her if you really care for her, but do not think about a relationship, just the humanity of the situation. Do not sacrifice your integrity. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:49:47 AM | | hi,i have just one thing i would like to say and that is go with your instincts ,you sound like a great guy ,listen to your heart and go with it ,you may not win in the end but if you do nothing you will always wonder ,i wish you all the best and really hope it works itself out for you x | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:50:07 AM |
Not control issues at all. If you got home from work and found everything in your house had been stolen you'd put in some sort effort to try and get it back befor going out and getting all new stuff. I just want to know that atleast i tried and failed then not try at all and wonder what would have happend.
But what you're talking about is inviting the thief back into your home to see if she'll do it again.
You've already put in the effort -- you didn't fail, she did.
If you take her back now, you put yourself in that nice guy-dumb guy category. She will not respect you, and in the back of your mind you will continue to resent her. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:55:08 AM | She's not in "relationship" mode anymore. She is in "single" mode.
There is nothing you can do to change this. If she is happier single, let her be. And like our sexy poster said about the suits - dude, get sexier & go get some new girls.  | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:04:13 AM | Don't be stupid ,
you have let this become emotional .
Its called drinking woman talk out there ass when their drunk. Drinking is her new boyfriend.
Move on with no regrets find a girl that has respect for you.
Wake up
Walk like you have a pair. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:37:16 AM | You want this girl back, why....so she can treat you like s**t again? Are you serious?
OP, stop being a doormat. Her behavior is not your responsibility.
Since you're in your early 20's I'm going to assume that the young lady in question is around the same age (late teens/early 20's) and I can tell you....most girls at that age has any idea of what she really wants. She is clearly in her partying mode and probably wants to keep you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with X number of guys she gets involved with. You're a safety net/insurance policy for her, not a boyfriend. It doesn't matter how well you treat her or what you do for her. She is not ready to be in a mature relationship.
Why should you have to wait around until she gets the partying out of her system? Why should you want to be with her on HER terms, without any consideration to your feelings, or what you want? Trust me...if you get back with her, the same thing will happen again. It doesn't matter how much you love her. You can't change her.
Give it up. Keep your distance. And keep your eye out for a real woman, not a little girl. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:30:43 AM | Give yourself a few months of not talking to her in any way, then decide what you want to do. I mean literally no contact. You're too close to the situation to make a rational decision right now.
Girls and guys generally do the same thing after they break up with someone, just in opposite ways. Let me see if I can explain
Most guys will try for no strings attached ex sex after they initiate a breakup. That way they can continue to get laid while they find someone they like better, but don't need to offer any tangible commitment.
Most girls will try and take the emotional boyfriend approach. They'll try to use you for emotional support, calling about their feelings, how confused they are etc... but it all boils down to they're using you as a crutch til they find something better.
Basically guys and girls usually follow the same pattern - trying to get what helps them the most through a trying time, without offering a reciprocal commitment.
Your ex is trying the classic emotional boyfriend approach. She'll use you because she's confused, than end up with someone else that she can actually respect. Making yourself available to her now will help her, but it's not going to help you get over her, OR make her realize she wants to be with you.
Sorry man, I think after you take a break you'll feel better off without her, but only you can make that decision once you get perspective.
Disclaimer: I realize the above categories don't apply to every guy or girl, and of course you, dear reader, are one of the exceptions. Seeing as that's the case, flaming is unnecessary
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/9/2008 1:20:08 PM | | Some women always get with their exes when their in a relationships. I dated someone who hooked back with their ex who was my exbestfriend while I was dating them. She then moved on from the both of us. Then she was hooking up with me while she was in serious relationships with other men. I knew it was wrong to let her do the same to other men that she did to me. When we considered getting back together I had finally decided there was no way. I was never going to trust her again after she cheated on me and so many other men with me. The only reason I would ever do this is because I loved her. There is something exciting about hooking back with an ex especially if you loved them. Eventually we decided to be just friends, but I couldnt even do that. I told her she couldn't keep in touch with all her exes. Don't allow this women to get back with you, she will hurt you again. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:45:38 PM | i got another msg from her the other night at 1am saying "you're very special to me" which was a bit strange. i think she was either a: drunk or b: probably laying there with a guts full of cum 2 minutes after the bloke she screwed said "na i'm not staying the night i'm done here ****". but considering this i still want to be with her.
why does she send these msgs? | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:57:08 AM | dude I'm going through the same deal, but there is a child involved... she constantly reminded me how good we were together and how her daughter misses me and how she gets a funny feeling when she thinks of me... I told her when we split she would do a 180... and she has. she left me for another dude. Some women are confused, you need to take a good look at the dad + daughter dynamic...
When my ex reminds of of the good times, yeah they did rock, but then i remember exactly what she did to me.
hopethis helps
run like hell dude | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/16/2008 5:25:06 AM |
why does she send these msgs?
You are her "backup plan". Yes, when she messaged you, she was drunk. My ex-wife does the same thing. Loves me - when she's drunk and with someone else.
You can't go back. As they say, she's an ex for a reason. I ended up split up from a girl I was with for 2 years. For the next 4 1/2 months I analyzed things in my head, missed her, thought about how I would do things differently if we were together, figured SHE would make changes if we got back together. And we did eventually get back together - it lasted 5 DAYS. | |
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| Getting back with your ex
Posted: 5/16/2008 5:50:23 AM | "She has also been driving to see her ex 3 times a week, but assures me that they are not back together. (She goes to him because her friends and family have givin her a hard time over the split as i was in favour with them all and they dont see why we broke up, especially if it was for him which they all hate)"
Unfortunately I think it is more likely your g/f's ex came back and said he still had feelings for her, and she also had feelings for him from the past which rose again to the surface. So, it looks like she became involved again with him romantically at the expense of your relationship, and the visits probably involved some kind of intimacy with her ex. She sounds pretty unstable emotionally, and the best thing to do is to keep your distance for a while until she settles down. Then she may be able to judge things more rationally and make better decisions, including what to do about the return of her ex into her life. I think a mature woman would politely offer an estranged ex who returned forgiveness and friendship, but certainly not another chance at a relationship if she was already in another one.
It seems like her original break-up with her ex was quite messy and there were unresolved emotional issues and attachments from that relationship. The lack of closure most likely explains her instability and uncertainty in this new situation. | |
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