| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:15:56 AM | I know I'm new here and all that but from just about all the forums I've read, the number one response to "trouble in a relationship" is for the OP to LEAVE.
What the heck has this world come to where our only solution to a problem is to quit? Is that what we've become? A bunch of quitters?
Here's some examples:
He swatted my hand away when I wanted to rub my P^ssy: he's selfish and an idiot, leave him
He still has contact with his ex: Leave him
She still has contact with her ex: leave her
She is friends with her exes: Leave her
He didn't tell me about his past: leave him
He doesnt' text/email/phone everyday anymore: leave him
WTF people, whatever happened to working it out?
And another thing:
Have we become such babies that we can't just deal with our problems as adults?
I mean, really, he doesn't text me everyday anymore so I'm leaving him. Awww poor wittle booboo, does booboo baby need constwant weassurwance?
Another one: he makes more money than me, what am I going to do? DEAL WITH IT!!! that's what you have to do....
What I say is just be thankful you don't have REAL problems like just being diagnosed with terminal cancer, or your kid was knifed in the playground......when you hear something like THAT it makes all the other so called "problems" discussed here seem trivial by a long shot! | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:45:52 AM | I agree.
Most of us on here are looking for advice on how to DEAL with it.
However, of the people that are responding, most of us here have had to leave various difficult situations and that is why we are here on POF. Some of us have said that we probably are sorry we didn't leave sooner (hindsight is SO clear.) So we offer our hindsight to the next guy.
OR --I think at least a third of those here are still in uncomfortable situations and haven't left yet, but wish they could. It is so easy to recommend to another to do something you wish you could do.
I also think that asking a bunch of single people if you should stay with an iffy situation is like asking hungry people if you should have seconds of something you aren't sure of. I suspect an ulterior motive in some of these responses. If the person is attractive, they might be thinking "Dump that guy and give me a try. I'm obviously much better for you than he is." Unfortunately, they may or may not be right. And the only way to know for sure is to dump one for the other. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:47:32 AM | These days, people dont want to deal with other people's crap.
There are way too many options out there, why get stuck with one, especially if its not what you looking for.
even marriages fall apart after 20-30 years........
To me, when people try to communicate and try to work things out, all they're doing is 1) trying to change the other person 2) doing sacrifices just to make it work.
"Our relationship has failed. We're not compatible but also we're too lazy, so instead of finding someone else, let's try to postpone our break up couple more months/years, then later we can finish this more violently"
I fully support RUN/BAIL/LEAVE mentality. And I have no problem with being "alone" either.
If I don't like something, I'll RUN faster than she can spell R-U-N..... | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:18:08 AM | You can't generalize every situation. The examples listed about reasons to end a relationship are pretty vague. Still in contact with an ex...what kind of contact? Didn't tell you about their past...whats in their past? If the issues are big enough to cause concern why not end the relationship now? I see many issues are simply caused by a persons own insecurities and neediness, their own fears will destroy each relationship they have. Good relationships are absolutely worth working for, but it takes two willing parties.
As far as healthy communication goes, if it existed would people really be reaching out to strangers online to solve their problems? | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:22:03 AM | Yari?
Good thing you don't mind being alone, and good thing you're in shape, cuz you're going to be doing a LOT of running if that is the way you look at life with someone else.....I mean really, am I the only one that sees this scenario happening?
GF: Yari, you left the top off the toothpaste again!
Yari? YARI, where the heck is he? He was here a minute ago.....
Correct me if I'm wrong though, but I was under the impression that POF was a singles site for single people to meet members of the opposite sex?
If one is in a relationship shouldn't they be on a relationship site? Asking a single person for advice on being in a relationship is kind of like asking a carpenter why the tranny in your car makes noise......
I mean really people, I know that one person's "problem" is not even a problem to others but some of the stuff asked on here is so trivial as to be ludicrous.....I think an over whelming majority of people's problems on here can be solved with ONE simple answer: did you talk to them about it? | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:36:53 AM | Sometimes the very fact the that situation has reached the point where they are posting on a forum for advice indicates that things have gone way beyond what they are capable of resolving.
But I think your observation that most people are advising this for no good reason is actually incorrect -- there are always posts suggesting that the OP take steps to resolve things. You're just noticing one type for personal reasons of your own, just like the women who think that the vast majority of men are pigs or the men who think that all women care about is money and height.
Your insensitivity to people's feelings over issues that clearly are upsetting them, whether they "should" or not, may be something worth reconsidering. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:37:25 AM | OP, many of those problems people write about in the threads?
They do it so they can be the Author of a Thread... and get noticed.. and get emails... attention... maybe dates.
You can't start a redundant thread, so they come up with some doozie new ones, lol.
Don't take 3/4 of them seriously!!
It's the "15 minutes of fame" thing going on.
As to all the "dump him/her" answers...
the honor/honesty/communication/respect aspects of life are getting to be a thing of the past.
Notice all the disrespect out there in the world? People that bump into you and don't say "excuse me", stuff like that?
It's rampant 'out there' and it's rampant in here.
Me me me me me.
So little thought to working something out... easier to think of dump him/her and go on without even an "excuse me".
It's sad. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:55:58 AM | You need to take the advice that is dished out here with a BIG pinch of salt!
POF is full of people who have known love, loss, heartache, disappointment - sometimes without reason ... are frustrated - sometimes you can feel the personal pain of people who reply to forums with their own opinions formed from previous heartbreak. True, there are people who have known true love and live happily ever after - but they don't tend to stick around and advise unfortunately.
I think we all know that if true love does happen to pop by, we don't toss it away in the breeze of a small tiff, a surpassable problem or for the sake of hard feelings. We strive to make it work, sometimes almost beyond the level of human endurance. We love so much it's agony.
This forum is useful when in a dilemma within a relationship, it is good to get lots of opinions, to hear differing views, to observe argument. But ... these are mostly strangers, don't really know the REAL situation - only those within it know exactly what is going on.
Love from a Forum Addict. x | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:58:10 AM |
GF: Yari, you left the top off the toothpaste again!
Yari? YARI, where the heck is he? He was here a minute ago....
Not that bad...but yeah you get the point...if she nags about it enough to get on my nerves, I take my toothpaste and leave....
Well, older generations had limitations. Women didnt have financial freedom. Sex was a taboo, and marriage was the ultimate way to sex and security. Both for men and women.
Once they got married , they did everything to make it work (mind you, not because they wanted to, but they HAD to) because of social norms etc.
Our generation dont have these limitations. Women are as independent as men. I don't have to marry someone to have sex. I don't have to take care of her financially and more importantly, we (both parties) don't have to deal with each other's crap.
The only reason we get together is because we like each other's company and we're happy together. Once it's gone, there is no reason to stick around and try to make it work. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:59:16 AM | Rune: I do tend to take people's feelings into consideration but will never fall into the "pity party" gang. I don't believe in giving sympathy where it isn't warranted or when the so-called problem is just plain good old B.S.
Breath: now thanks for the insight because it really never occurred to me that anyone would be so childish as to post something with anything in mind other than honestly looking for advice. I guess that is one of MY biggest problems: I don't play games and am WAY too honest...... | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:03:19 AM | | Ive noticed the same thing, that a lot of people seem to want to say "Just F it" But truth of the matter is most of the topics brought up are dumpable material like cheating, stalkers, psychos, bad in bed, etc....Its not like posters are telling the OP to end it if the guy/girl folds socks awkwardly. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:05:16 AM | I think it only appears that way.
Most people don't have the relationship skills, nor any
insight into psychology or much of a clue as to what is
really happening in a relationship. Many relationshops
are doomed from the start, and others were in fact over
long before anyone bailed out!
Reminds me of a line from a movie, the best I can remember.
There comes a moment in every parting where the dearly departed
is already gone. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:09:51 AM | bravo , i would have to say in my experience , you are right on , i went through relationship training and was taught to try and work things out , but in this society i see more and more woman who cut and run BECAUSE THEY DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES - OR THEIR PAST RELATIONSHIPS -WHO THEY CHOSE , THEY JUST BLAME THE MEN AND HOLLER ----
NEXT !!! | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:29:35 AM | You are talking about people that respond in the forums, not people in general. There is a filtration process of personality types and situations leading to posting and responding here. Forum posters and respondents are not a viable sample of the entire population.
Have you also noticed in the forum responses an overwhelmingly large majority tend to answer similarly to other respondents, misinterpret the original question or problem, or go off on side topics and take opinions as personal attacks?
I understand there are more important problems in the world. But generally (if serious) the person posting has a problem, or question, that is just as important to them at that moment.
Most of the time the question in the thread, and accompanying information, are so vague, subjective, and/or one sided a decent answer is pointless. A lot of them are obvious and just plain stupid. I am reminded of the age old question; "why didn't god create enough horses fronts?"
Also, it's fun to do the Rikki Lake snap, weave your head, and say "Oh no you di-int you should leave em gir'fren, and take his bag of chips, and the pickle!" Or something like that.
There is also the possibility the respondents advising to leave are prone to answer or advise how they would react, or fear they would react, in the same situation.
And yes, yes we have become a bunch of babies (If you generally accept agrarian, self supporting tyrannical communities as being adult). The problem inherent in a democracy, democratic nations, coupled with industrialization and technology, is the idea of people voting for "bigger and better bread and circuses." People become dependent upon others to offer them safety and security in fulfilling their needs when those needs can be fulfilled (or perceived to be) through external means. When someone does not, or can not, fulfill a selfish need then it is the other person's fault, then you move on to who can.
The macrocosm and microcosm of society and the individual reflect upon each other and affect each other through a reciprocating cycle that is handled by finite, fallible beings. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:50:43 AM |
These days, people dont want to deal with other people's crap.
There are way too many options out there, why get stuck with one, especially if its not what you looking for.
even marriages fall apart after 20-30 years........
To me, when people try to communicate and try to work things out, all they're doing is 1) trying to change the other person 2) doing sacrifices just to make it work.
"Our relationship has failed. We're not compatible but also we're too lazy, so instead of finding someone else, let's try to postpone our break up couple more months/years, then later we can finish this more violently"
I fully support RUN/BAIL/LEAVE mentality. And I have no problem with being "alone" either.
If I don't like something, I'll RUN faster than she can spell R-U-N.....
Brilliant...couldn't have said that better myself.
In most cases such as the ones you're listing it's not the problem so much as based on the way the story's being told it doesn't look like the other person involved has any interest in making it work. In a couple of cases, the person advising the OP to bail is just kneejerk reacting to a personal trauma, but if someone asks you about a situation where they're dating someone they want to be with but the other person's throwing out "whatever" vibes based on what you're hearing, then yeah - they should leave. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:56:51 AM | | I think some people go into relationships thinking that if they "love" someone then everything will run smoothly and perfectly. Sadly it just doesn't work that way. Anything worth having is worth working hard and fighting for. Personally I wouldn't want someone that would bail at the first sign of trouble and if I found someone who did, buh-bye :D | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:57:38 AM |
To me, when people try to communicate and try to work things out, all they're doing is 1) trying to change the other person 2) doing sacrifices just to make it work.
Don't forget my favorite:
3. Prolonging the agony of the inevitable breakup and protracted period of hatred thereafter. Sometimes it's kinder to kill the damned thing than to watch it writhe about, in obvious pain.
I thinking running also provides the other party with valuable service: practice calling the other party names, slinging epithets, and otherwise displaying juvenile, control-freak behavior. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:58:14 AM | Well, I think you are right to a point; many people are bad in relationships; in fact a little more than 50% of adults in the U.S. suck in relationships.
But if I'm just starting out with someone who is too agressive or arrogant or they cheat or lie, I'm not going to hang out and work it out. If someone cheats on me, its over. done with. Nothing to work out. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 12:11:19 PM | I know I for one am not like that. My girlfriend and I fight over the stupidest shit, and I am so determined to make it work. I love her more than my life is worth, so it is something I truly want to work on, or else I would've ran away at first chance.
Everyone is different, some would want to work on it no matter what, others would just rather give up and move on. Does it really matter what another person's preference is?? Some people like constant contact with their "significant" other. If the person constantly does it everyday for like 6 months, then just all of a sudden stops, it kind of tells you something.
If one is in a relationship shouldn't they be on a relationship site? Asking a single person for advice on being in a relationship is kind of like asking a carpenter why the tranny in your car makes noise......
Firstly, it's not just a singles site. I joined when I was single yes, but I wasn't looking for a person to date. If you notice it cleverly says in your profile whether you are looking for dating, friends, etc. Shocking.
Secondly, your second statement is just retarded. I've had more dating experience than all of my friends. I've been put through enough shit in my young life to be able to give advice out to people I know or to people who ask for it. | |
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