| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:13:46 PM | I met a man online 4 years ago (sorry, POF, not here :) ) and I knew from the get go that he wanted to date. I didn't want to date him at the time. During the past 4 yrs., we've shared other relationships, family issues, trauma drama, etc. with one another and he's stuck around and been a great friend. He's become my best 'online male friend'.
We took it to the next level about a year ago and started talking more and more on the phone and getting very personal. In January he told me not to be surprised if he showed up on my door step with a ring and asked me to marry him. We kind of laughed it off and recently things have gotten a little more serious. We talk daily on the phone or via email at least once or twice a day and call to tell each other good night.
Last Sunday (after months of thinking about what a great guy/friend he's been and yes, I was ready to take the next step with him) I sent him a letter that told him I was ready for that (the next step). The letter was very deep and I told him some things that I actually HADN'T shared w/him in the past 4 years as to why I shy away from men that really are interested in me.
I think this caught him off guard and he's been avoiding "talking about the letter". We still talk daily but I haven't brought it up.
Did I scare him by finally admittng that after all this time, yes, I'm ready?
(BTW..when I mean ready, I mean, seeing him exclusively..not getting married right away) | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:22:06 PM | | I wonder, how is it you are so close but are afraid to ask him? Since you didn't post the personal things you told him, as to why you shy away from men (and no need to) I can't say if you scared him away. There might be a chance he thought you were directing it to him, and if you really do want to date him exclusively I suggest you make sure he knows that. Four years is a long time, and it seems he really cares about you and you him. Good luck it was nice reading a potential happy post. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:23:32 PM | I know, I'm sorry, I knew this would be a tough one and it was even harder to post. I'm hoping for some honest feed back and I know you guys will give it!
He's been my best (male) friend for the past couple years and has accepted so much about me - and me him.
Yes, appearances do change and not that a web cam makes a difference but we do see each other there as well so "looks" aren't an issue.  | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:28:13 PM | InAdvance: I did ask him and all he said was "wow, that was deep". I didn't want to pressure him anymore as I knew that he was getting ready for Bike Week in Myrtle Beach, SC (he's worked for HD for over 20 years and builds/sells bikes) and will be there for the next 10 days.
Hopefully we'll chat when he gets back and he has some time to think while he's there. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:38:00 PM | Obviously not a guy, but here's my take on it:
He is trying to digest all that you told him in that letter. He has been wanting to see you exclusively for 4 yrs, and now he has that chance. Maybe he is overwhelmed and just needs to digest it. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:44:28 PM | I see, so he has no doubt that you want to date him exclusively? You said something along the lines of "JD(his name here), I have been giving us a lot of thought, and I know its been four years, but I think you and I should start dating, I would like your thoughts on this"? If you said something like this and he didn't give you a response other then
"Wow, that was deep" I would say then for sure he is shell shocked, but can't imagine why as for the last four years he seems to have been waiting for you. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:53:17 PM | Thanks SimpleLady...that's the response I've been getting from friends/family. He's now going 'uh oh, she's ready, now what do I do'! He probably never thought it would get to this point (what did you think after 4 years ya Buckethead!)
InAdvance....I've asked myself the same thing and even over the course of 4 years sharing so much with him, especially since we were dating others during this time. I guess we both knew (know) that maybe we can be together.
I have to admit...it's so much better having known a man all this time and sharing so much with him and knowing he's a FRIEND and accepts me (and I him) that when we do .................. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:34:16 PM | You are no longer a fantasy and have become real.
Sometimes we are afraid to get what we have fantasized of having for so long.
It takes a little time to sink in before we reach out and take it. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:42:23 PM | my take.....
he gave up long ago having you as anything more than a friend, so when you tell him youre now "ready", hes in total disarray, maybe a little scared to screw up the valued friendship you both have romantically. I must applaud you two though......this is certainly a rare post in that its got potential for some very good things for the both of you. I wish you the best! | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:54:55 PM | Thank you Kev....I think we're both scared and any advice from a mans point of view (and woman's) surely helps.
I'll admit, he did give up at one point - as far as persuing me as - how to I put this - us being together - when we were both dating other people but we talked intermittently during that time as well and shared our stories regarding our dating partners.
I'm hoping this works out as well and hopefully will have a great story to tell on POF - even tho we didn't meet here. (shhhhhsssh!) | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:16:44 PM | The guy is no longer inetrested in dating the Op. He has long ago put her in the online friendship zone. I have two women i have been chatting with online for about the same length of time. I have no interest in having a relationship with them. Who in their right mind would want to wait for someone for 4 years.... I could see if the Op was not dating, but she has had relationships in that time, relationships that she tells this guy about.
If he was not good enough to date in all this time, why would he want to get with the Op now?. Nobody wants to feel like they are your last option. If i was in this guys shoes i would not date the Op if she was the last woman on earth. Either i am good enough to date from the start, or keep doing what you been doing, dating everyone but me. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:25:42 PM | ^^^ thank you BlackVelvet for your honest response as well. I'm sorry you feel that he's my 'last option" that, he clearly is not if you read the entire post.
We've BOTH dated others and have had the opportunity to share that with one another and realized after all this time that perhaps we might be better together. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:38:02 PM | Interesting...everyone has great input...but Poster, have ya just thought of ASKING him(and not in a letter), what did you think of what I shared with you?
That is the one sure way you will know, without speculation, as to what is going on in this guy's mind. Good luck to you! Wishing you the best! :) | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:46:27 PM | | The OP did ask him what he thought and he sed it was DEEP...She is giving him time while he is in SC because he's working and will talk to him about it when he is back home. Hopefully they will be able to resume where they left off. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:52:06 PM | "we've BOTH dated others and have had the opportunity to share that with one another and realized after all this time that perhaps we might be better together"
Op that's the conclusion YOU came to. If this guy shared that opinion, we would not be reading this thread... You would both be on the same page and dating your little hearts out. The guy has avoided your e-mail because he wants you to get that notion out of your head..... You're an online chat buddy, somewhere along the line you became that, and that's all he wants from you.
about five years ago i was on another dating site, met a few very nice women, women that i may have wanted to even meet back then, but they took too long and just became chat buddies. Now i still talk to them all the time, but i no longer want to date them, I don't even want to meet them face to face, they are my online friends, nothing more. Guys can put women in the "friendship" zone, just as easily as women can. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:15:15 PM | ^^^thanks again for your comments. Apparently you didn't read the entire post.
We still chat daily but right now he's working, I'm not going to talk about something so personal with him while he's 600 miles away working - we've waited this long, we can wait until he comes home. I'm not going to justify anymore how different of a relationship this may seem.
I'm just glad that he's been a part of my life and whatever may happen, happends.
Can you just be happy for two people that have made a trek that MIGHT lead to something good? | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:25:11 PM | Yes i read the entire post. I know you still talk to him everyday. But not about that e-mail you sent. That subject is like kryptonite to him. I never said he does not like you. He is just no longer interested in dating YOU. The guy likes you as a friend, maybe even a good online friend, He does not want to risk that friendship by dating you.
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:17:26 PM | Huggles, obviously the issues are about the things that you won't tell us about. How far you want us to speculate beyond this is a non-issue. We just can't...
However, I have to fall back on two things, first I will agree that being strung along for four years is going to take its toll on anyone. After reading all of your posts I too get the feeling that he is your last resort, or he may think that as well. These are things we don't say, we just feel.
Secondly, depending on how realistic this person is he may have gone past the point of wishfull thinking and realized that wanting or needing a relationship with someone he has never really spent any time with is really kind of far fetched.
X-Chicagoan... | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:34:56 PM | | I'm stuck on the perplexing idea that anyone would just be up and ready to give it a go after 4 years... and why it would take that long to finally think 'hey, maybe we should try to be together' after so long and not any time sooner. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:57:23 AM | In my opinion I think you both pretty much built up fantasies and delusions about the other person. I have seen and read stories similar to this many times. Usually it's after the stage where the guy does show up with a ring, or she does pack up everything and moves to another state to live with him, then after a week, a month, a year, the fact that no matter how long the online relationship lasted they were complete strangers when meeting.
Does no one understand that email and phone does not constitute meaningful communication? Unless you are the most prolific writer or speaker in the history of the world touched by some benevolent god whatever emotions either of you felt through the computer/phone were your own interpretation and bias. You transferred your own emotions into what they typed, it does not contain what they felt. Hopefully you are reading my post. Do you feel as though I am attacking you or have any emotional reaction when writing this? Think again, it's all you. Unless you have had regular, face to face meetings with this guy over the last four years you have no idea who he is, you only have an idea of who he has told you he biasedly thinks he is without any personally observed supporting evidence. You are only formless ideals to each other. Therefore I stick to my original opinion that you have both built up fantasies of each other and you basically vomited a huge bomb of interpretive emotions he needs to work into his four year idea of who you are and either work it into the fantasy or use it as justification, or scapegoat, to get out of all the implied promises he made. | |
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| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/10/2008 4:12:41 AM | I have to agree with Black Velvet. It would be different if, in the past 4 years, you were not ready to date anyone but you dated other people in this time. In short you preferred to date other men rather than him.
Now, clearly, he has held a torch for you for some time but he is also hesitant because he must be thinking "why am I good enough now when I wasn't before?"
I can tell you that if I was in a position where I made someone my priority and he placed me somewhere between the bartender whose shoulder he cries on and an internet friend he can while time away with I would not be rushing to date him. Even if he finally stepped forward and decided he was willing to make me his priority now.
Unless he has self esteem issues he's probably thinking he deserves better. I am afraid, you may have missed the boat. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 25 | |
| 4 Years of online chatting.....and now I'm ready......
Posted: 5/10/2008 4:27:21 AM | Yeah my vote goes with black velvet and phoenix too.
It would be different if, in the past 4 years, you were not ready to date anyone but you dated other people in this time. In short you preferred to date other men rather than him Now you say OP...you've both been dating others...
...but he may have also been dating others simply because he realised long ago that you werent serious so he just put you in the friend zone and moved on himself.
Ive seen LTR's and marriages come outta LT online chatting/friendships...4 I can think of offhand...but not when either party was involving themselves with other people.
When you "meet" someone online & its more than just a coupla emails etc...you've actually developed a bond and spent time together getting to know one another...the objective you work towards is a common goal of real life meeting & seeing where the "relationship" will go...however long it takes if you're serious.
And if you dont do that...you might maintain a friendship, but you're not actually working on a relationship & thats when you date other people.
All my long term online male friends...it wouldnt even occur to me to begin Dating now just because one of them outta the blue decided he was "ready" to date me.
Infact...now that I *think* about it...Ive had quite a few of them ask me out after they've been involved with other people & my answer's always been No.
After a while...Ive met some of them just as friends...but not for the purposes of dating.
If you begin something ...begin it...dont put it on hold, run off with other people then think you can come back to it whenever you feel like it. People arent disposable or functional around you.
If a man (supposedly interested in me) then told me he was gonna date other people...I might stay really good friends with him...but Id never consider taking it back to the point of dating him with view to a relationship. People have feelings & Im not a second prize.
The more I think about this...the more I think...Id end up breaking off the friendship completely cos Id just be thinking someone was completely self absorbed if they did something like that.
Hope your situation works out...but...I dunno...I kinda doubt it. | |
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