| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:49:20 PM | Opinion wanted please. Its a long story though.!
I met a girl, Alison, back in Nov and we started going out. ( Not from Fish!) She is quite cautious and rightly so.. She also has one hell of a low self-esteem and has self-harmed in the past.
In February, she met some of my other friends - including Jane at a gig who, decided to drape herself all me for the evening... Alison thought that this other was more than a friend (which has never been the case) and promptly dumped me and then started seeing someone else... But it wasn't in a nasty way at all and we kept in touch. Infact her behaviour throughout this period told me how lovely she really was as a person. And during that time i was often out with jane, who lives local for the company. We even had a couple of weekends away.
Alison and I started going out again about 6 weeks ago.. But this time its just been as friends..although the week before last we saw each other 5 consecutive days and she actually introduced me to her children.
Jane who caused the problems before was constantly accusing Alison of using me and about two months ago borrowed my lap-top when we were away one weekend and left open a message which I found the next day. Part of it said "And yes Pip is a tit - but he was the only one available this weekend and beggars can't be choosers, so I made do. He really does know how to press my buttons - and makes me so angry that I tell him I want to put his face through a plate glass window but it doesn't seem to phase him."
Well I was quite hurt. Realised this girl was the real user, but I couldn't tell her what I'd seen open cos she'd feel awful and embarrassed so I held my tongue and was seeing more of Alison anyway.
Last week I had an on-line heated discussion with Jane and told her about seeing her message. She straight away said she couldnt have left it open and I must have hacked her account to read her mails. That was a ridiculous accusation.. So I cut all ties with her. Two days later she is sending messages to my femail friends including Alison telling them that I'd hacked her account and that they should be cautious of me.
I was obviously horrified and deeply concerned.
Well the rest of the story follows in a letter I was going to send to a friend of Alisons. But I'm not sure if I should send it. If its too long-winded or creepy or if I should just forget her and move on? I've tried apologising to Alison but she's asked me not to contact her.
I feel I need advice. I will probably send Alison some flowers next week, but I often send them to her anyway, so its no great novelty. Thanks for reading. Your advice would be appreciated. Heres the letter I've composed for Alisons mate.
Hi Kerri.
Please forgive me this intrusion.. Alison may have mentioned me, I know that you're her closest friend.
You know about her latest anonymous texter and I'm ashamed to say its me. I am so, so sorry but I can't turn back the clock.
As much as I'm devastated to have lost her as a friend, I'm more upset that I've been the one to hurt her feelings.
I care about her immensely, she is such a beautiful girl, inside and out. I love her company and she is always up for going away somewhere new.
I know that she would never like me as she does Carl and Craig and I accepted that I could be no more than a friend to her, but I'd sooner be part of her life in that respect than not at all.
And I offered to take her to Florida with me in the summer and I was really looking forward to that but it doesn't seem likely now..
It started last Friday night. I was a bit down through falling out with a friend and the re-percussions and had too many drinks and a new phone sim and stupidly sent Alison a message saying that she was the most beautiful girl in the universe.
She replied with "Thank you, I'm flattered. Who is this?" I then said "your greatest admirer" and so on.
And it carried on Saturday, more in the afternoon. She was telling me that she was having****ails and I thought that she was enjoying the intrigue and trying to guess who. I actually thought she knew it was me as she guessed the initial P straight away.
And then she was stuck in for the evening with the kids and was feeling low and kept saying that she was rotting away and never got out. She was feeling unwanted too. I thought that it was distracting her from that.
Sunday she was bright and telling me about her job and I thought I'd tell her that night, but my credit ran out. Monday afternoon I found she had left me messages and I knew it was stressing her then and added some credit. In fact I got far more messages from her as a mystery guy than I did as me...
But it was so hard to tell her and I was scared because I knew she was anxious by that time. But I couldn't leave her never knowing. The rest you probably know. I didn't try to make her think I was anyone else or lie to her. She messaged me saying that I was vulgar but I only joked about having a pillow called Alison that was gonna get a good seeing to. I said in the texts that she'd be disappointed to know who it was and not a Luke Goss-a-like! But then she also said that she wasn't such a heartless cow as to delete whoever it was.
I never meant to hurt her, break her trust or make a fool out of her. I think the world of her. She has told me a lot about her life and I know how hard she has had things and feels let down by her circumstances. I am always surprised at how bubbly she is.
I wanted to make her happy, not miserable. Her company has always made me happy.
In reflection I realise that it didn't help when she was feeling low anyway and how important trust is to her.
I have apologised and asked her to forgive me but she has deleted me and asked me not to call her again. I don't know if that was just a heat of the moment decision or she really meant it, but even so I have no choice but to respect her wishes and I don't want to chance causing her further anguish. I hope she's ok.
Incidentally, the friend I had fallen out with was jealous of Alison and the attention I gave her. She had caused problems in the past and just before last weekend, she had messaged Alison, trying to turn her against me with some seriously incorrect accusations. Although Alison said she wasn't concerned, maybe the seeds of doubt were planted and that is why she reacted so. seems my other ex-friend got her wish in the end..
I'd sooner you not tell her about this message, and I won't bother you again. I know that she's proud and sticks to her guns. She won't thank me for contacting you. But if ever in the future, you think there's some way in which I can help her or try to be a friend for her, please let me know.
I also wanted you to know that I never intended to hurt your friend.
I hope in time that she can remember me for all the good times and places we went rather than for my stupid mistakes.
Sorry again for seeking you out.
Take care.
Pip. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:08:22 PM | | I am not after pity... .. Although I am obviously gutted. I just have a habit of going over-board at times and I dont want to in this instance.... I just want to do the right thing. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:08:50 PM | 1.)Why send Allison flowers when you did nothing to her? If Allison is taking sides in an event that has nothing to do with her than her character has to come into question.
2.)Don't email Allison's friend, Keri, about things that don't involve her. Yes. You will seem really creepy! The letter is very creepy IMHO.
3.) Jane's actions seem like classic sociopathic gaslighting. Why continue with her after you read the message? You should of just dropped her then with out commenting on open message.
4.) There is drama all around you and from what I can see your actions are making it worse. You seek to involve Keri, dragging her into this tangle web, for reasons that lay unclear. Even asking her to keep your planned email a secret. What?
You need to take a step back and learn the political trick of: speak only to improve the silence. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:22:54 PM | | I met Alison through a social net-working site and I know Kerri posted some opinions about the mystety texter on Alisons home-page. She also knows about Alisons past and issues. And is quite out-spoken. True. I think there is a chance that Kerri may tell Aison that she over-reacted. Or may try to convince Alison that my stupid intentions were not malicious. I have never been involved in any drama like this before. I do have many female friends, but then they meet each other at times. Alison is the first i've been involved with romantically since i split with my ex three years ago. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:37:34 PM | | Your first mistake was letting a female friend drape herself all over you in front of the lady you were dating. A woman, from your own words, that already had self esteem issues. From a female perspective, DO NOT send that letter. It would be beyond creepy. Also, don't send the flowers either. This girl, Alison, has asked you not to contact her. If you try to do so, you will just continue to look creepy. You tried apologizing and she isn't being receptive. If she cools down and wants to hear your side, she'll contact you. Until then, let it go and move on. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:40:16 PM | | This is really appreciated. I know that I can go over-board. I'd sooner other people tell me it seems creepy rather than to have sent that letter to kerry and have both her and Alison think I'm creepy. Thankyou. | |
|
| |
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:06:40 PM | Ok... let me see if I got this right.
Jane was a user and said nasty things about you.
Allison will never care for you like she does the two other guys. She also didn't discuss the email/issue with you or give you the benefit of the doubt. That sounds like a true friend..... not!
HMMMMMM.... I say, you need to up your choices in women and forget both of them.
Neither sounds worthy to me. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:17:04 PM | Laughing out loud
You dont want advice YOU NEED A SLAP. Three women and messing all three around, well it is obviously the player who won and the player who everyone is listening to.....
Friends do not sleep together, so Jane was not a mate.
Why hurt Alison by letting Jane touch you all night, making it clear to Alison you were Jane's property. No wonder she went off, she after all is the nice lady in all this.
And Kiri - WTF another one.
PICK ONE WOMAN, you are not mates with Jane SHE OWNS YOU MATEY, get over it.
Damage limitation here: send Jane the flowers and ask her to Re-gossip the info about the e-mail, leave Alison alone, she has had it tough enough already with you and Jane, and Kiri just forget it and move onto another group of girls YOU BLEW IT MATEY.
And Kiri wtf | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:53:53 PM | WAAAY too long of a VERY weird E-mail. I got lost in it!
Don't contact a friend....
Send the girl you're interested in the flowers and a card... in the card stating...
(I don't understand why others try to sabatoge friends happiness... Not a hacker never been one and deep down you know I'm not)
Leave it at that... it's open honest and puts the ball in her court | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:42:56 AM | ahhh...eeeehh...Loz hunter, I think, was able to keep the names and faces and characters straight....I got lost about the time you lent your laptop to a 3rd woman/person.
I feel bad for the Allison gal who was apparently hurt by the draping tendencies you allowed from your Draping Friend. But I also feel you're tap dancing way too fast for anyone to keep up with (see Kurt Vonnegut's stories). | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:44:29 AM |
Hi Kerri.
Please forgive me this intrusion.. Alison may have mentioned me, I know that you're her closest friend.
Alison may have mentioned you? Why on earth would you want to air your dirty laundry and poo poo undies to a stranger? If I were to receive a letter of this nature, I would definitely find it creepy, not to mention kooky, mysterious and spooky, and altogether ooky. Unless Kerri is an authorized dealer of Hail Marys, you should keep your confessions to yourself.
I'd sooner you not tell her about this message, and I won't bother you again. I know that she's proud and sticks to her guns. She won't thank me for contacting you. But if ever in the future, you think there's some way in which I can help her or try to be a friend for her, please let me know.
So, you want a woman you don’t even know, and to whom you’ve just revealed your not-so-good side, to keep an eye open for an opportunity where you can rekindle your “friendship” with her best friend, a woman who wants nothing more to do with you? I think it is an extremely poor idea to send the message. If you must, send a letter of apology directly to Alison, but I doubt it will do any good. If I can glean anything from your wailing wall of text, I would say that Alison’s aim was true; I don’t blame her for giving you the heave-ho. If you want to do the right thing, then it’s time to bring the curtain down on the drama and move on. There’s a midnight train leaving for Georgia, Pip. Good luck. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:16:27 AM | Buddy, get honest. Its as simple as that.
No honesty = no trust
No trust = a big fat zero when it comes to women
REGARDLESS of who you were dating or sleeping with or whatever.
If a guys honesty and integrity is in question...it wont last
And dont do that anonymous text thing again?
Keep everything in the open
And if you send her FRIEND this letter, its as much as saying you WONT go away, and then you are not only deceptive, but you have become SCAREY. Women feel threatened by guys who dont understand the word "NO".
Back off and leave her alone. If she cools off and comes to you, cool. Be honest and eat some humble pie. If she doesn't..face the fact you blew it and sont make the same dumb arsed mistakes again.
Bar pickups will put up with that cr*p. Good women wont.
You got some decisions to make here I think about what you want out of life.
cheers | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:13:48 AM | How old are you? Man up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do not send a message like that to someone you dont know, it will make you look like a real creep.
How can you say you care for one woman and spend weekends with another? Life is all about priorities. Try having some. Oh wait...you do......sounds like sex at all costs.
Send a message to Alison telling her how you MESSED UP.....and how sorry you are for acting like an immature jerk. And keep it simple.Writing a book doesnt make it any more real.
And someone needs to bytch slap you into reality. Your 39 not a slobbering teen........... | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:24:18 AM |
I never meant to hurt her, break her trust or make a fool out of her. I think the world of her. She has told me a lot about her life and I know how hard she has had things and feels let down by her circumstances. I am always surprised at how bubbly she is.
I wanted to make her happy, not miserable. Her company has always made me happy.
In reflection I realise that it didn't help when she was feeling low anyway and how important trust is to her.
And yet you had no issues with Jane hanging all over you, acting the ho when you were out
with Allison... the woman with clear trust issues and low self esteem?...............................
Yeah, don't send the letter. Me thinks you need to re-read how you treated her and start
making some changes in how you treat people you say you care for. | |
|
| |
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:41:32 AM | | mysterious and spooky and altogether ooky ....hell yeah send it so we can have Alison on here asking us how to get rid of you......seriously, yes you do need help, professional.... never use people like that as a ham in the sandwich, that's more Jane' s style. Now there is a match. | |
|
nmwjmw
|
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| |
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:40:24 AM | | Never mind creepy, you ARE a creep! Stop with all these women, get yourself to a shrink, do some therapy and grow a backbone. You obviously have bocome the worst version of yourself, drunk dialing, bad date behavior, blurred boundaries, drama out the a$$. Leave Allison alone, let her get a life, if she does have low self esteem, dating you with your current issues isn't going to help. Keri does not know you from a hole in the wall, don't add a stranger to this trainwreck. Seems to me you can't recognize good from evil, why would you want a ho like jane in your life? A user, abuser and gold digger who used you out of boredom. MAN UP, your 39, straighten yourself out, stop dating for 4-5 months, get therapy for your issues, you act like a drama queen, your in control of your life. I reread this and it sounds harsh, you NEED TO HEAR IT THIS WAY. my 2 cents, Bob | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:22:54 AM |
Part of it said "And yes Pip is a tit - but he was the only one available this weekend and beggars can't be choosers, so I made do. The consensus that "Pip is a tit" seems to be quite strong after even your version of the story. I suggest that you look hard at your behaviour and take control of yourself if you want people to feel differently about you.
It's inappropriate to write to Kerri -- disrespectful to Alison.
If you include a note in a bunch of flower to Alison asking for the opportunity to explain, this is the most you should do.
However, the likelihood seems to be that your natural behaviour may take a while to grow out of and whilst you are like this you would only keep hurting Alison with your tendency to create drama.
I think your first step should be to decide who your real friends are and to treat them like real friends, with mutual respect and an understanding of their character, not simply use them as company. If someone "drapes herself" all over you, then remember that you are not a sofa, you can move away -- and in general, unless the woman is your girlfriend, you really should move away. Taking responsibility will give you more control over your life. Saying "no" to what you don't really want creates more space for what you do. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:42:36 AM | Agree with Jane who said "Pip is a tit".
Why allow a woman to drape herself all over you in front of your new girlfriend? That is just plain disrepectful. She did the right thing by finishing the relationship there and then. The mistake she made was to keep in contact with you.
You did not treat her very well. If you care for this lady at all, respect her wishes and leave her alone...just as she asked.
Do not send the letter to the friend. That is extremely creepy! | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:55:35 AM | Way too much energy wasted on two women.You need to get a life!!
I'd sooner you not tell her about this message, and I won't bother you again
OMG,HMM yes please get a life and stop acting like a teenager in highscool!!!!!! | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:12:20 AM | What would be the point of you sending that letter to Kerri? You ask her not to let Allison know about the letter but i'm sure that you know that Kerri will share it with Allison. I think your reason for sending it would be so Allison will read it.
Don't sent that letter to Kerri. If you must explain yourself, explain yourself to Allison and leave it at that. Give her time and maybe she'll come around. | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:28:56 AM | OP -Once you are past teenage years, it's a good idea to AVOID involving friends, relatives (of either party) when trying to sort out a relationship issue (unless there's a physical threat or something like that). So IMO it's NOT a good idea to write letters to her friend. The more people get involved - the more it becomes open to mis-interpretations and "he said-she said" and opinions and twists the other people introduce, as well as unnecessary drama.
That is, on top of the fact that two adults ~should~ be able to figure it out themselves...
On a side note.. If a lady you are seeing has low self esteem and so on and so forth, and the relationship has been foiled from the get-go by the behavior of a "friend" of yours (who seemingly has been encouraged to act as ~more~ than a platonic friend by YOUR behavior), perhaps it is better to learn a lesson and move on...
Best of success... | |
|
| Help! Should I send her this message?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:46:41 AM | No, don't send the letter. It's lame, manipulative and as you admitted in the first line "intrusive".
You seem to create your own drama... you might want to STOP that and try being an adult and having a relationship with one woman.
Just a thought. | |
|
Home
login 
