| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:09:25 PM | .....to think about what could happen to a persons physical appearance over the years? I mean, if you were married to someone, would you think differently about that person because they gained a significant amout of weight say 20 years from now? I don't want to sound harsh, I wouldn't divorce that person if the love remained the same, but it would still bother me to be honest. I understand 10 or 20 pounds but 100 or more pounds? If I'm the type of person that strives to keep himself in shape, is it wrong to want someone who believes in the same?
I really don't think I'm asking for too much to want someone who shares my interests but I get told all the time to lower my standards or else I will be alone for the rest of my life. So I should settle for a person who obviously does not care to keep fit just for companionship? How is that fair for either of us? I can't give her 100% if I'm not attracted to her and I'm sure you ladies feel the same way about men your not attracted to right? For me, I have to have an equal amount of physical and emotional, 50/50 or else it won't work. Do you ladies feel this way about men? Is any of what I just said shallow or wrong? | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:13:21 PM | | Dude if you're already thinking that one simple solution, don't be with them in 20 years. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:20:24 PM | NO one can say what the future holds. You could marry a girl with a slamming body, but she gets raped, and goes into a depression and gains weight due to that. Do you leave her? Even if it's more than 20lbs...what if she has a medical condition and the medication she goes on causes her to gain weight? You just never know. Another poster asked if you'd stick with someone who'd been in an accident that left them messed up. It could happen. You just never know. You can't say what you would do really now can you, not til you are in that situation.
But as the above poster mentioned, if you are so worried about it now, then you probably shouldn't even get involved too deeply. Everyone changes as they get older. We get old... | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 4 | |
| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:23:40 PM | You know...realistically...this is a pretty naive question coming from a man in your age group.
People dont just put on 100 lbs in a lifetime.
There'd have to be either a medical reason (are you gonna hold them accountable for that)...or a ridiculously sedentary lifestyle.
One of my cousins for example...developed a condition and put on about 100lbs in about 6 mths...she's less than 5 feet tall and is unlikely to ever lose the weight.
Her husband...(quite a stunning man who'd done modelling)...didnt give a damn. He loved her. Thats what its about.
I broke my neck...my lifestyle changed dramatically and I couldnt do anything physical (at all including walking except around the house) and still am limited, so I naturally put weight on over the time. Ive always been a more voluptuous build anyway. Would I change for you? Not a chance.
Now if you OP were in a relationship with me...and put your *what I consider* shitty expectations on me...you'd be gone well before the weight ever would.
If I'm the type of person that strives to keep himself in shape, is it wrong to want someone who believes in the same?
So I should settle for a person who obviously does not care to keep fit just for companionship? How is that fair for either of us?
No...but you have absolutely no right to get involved with someone who doesnt care for your lifestyle or is even as into it as you are...and then get on their back about it.
Its YOUR choice...not theirs
No-one has to live up to anybody elses expectations except their own.
So as long as their expectations make them a good person...who are you to tell them differently?
Learn to be a little more accepting of who/what people are as they age and change...cos otherwise...karma will come along and foot you up your ass when you least expect it...and you'll have to deal with being on the other end of your kinda attitude.
Karma does that. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:25:56 PM | | Poster, perhaps you are just not at the level yet to answer your own question...why are you worrying about tomorrow? Be here "today"....let things take care of themselves. :) | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:36:30 PM | OP...I think it's normal to sometimes wonder what our partners might look like in 10, 20 or years down the road. I was with my last partner for twenty years...we met when he was 22 and I was 27.
My oh my how time flies...and of course we changed in twenty years. But we didn't really notice it unless we happened to be looking at some old pictures of ourselves . It's really true what the "old" people tell you. You don't notice your partner getting old...it's not like it happens overnight anyway. And besides, you're getting old right along with them too.
Mind you, we both pretty much stayed at the same weight as when we first met...give or take a few pounds here and there. And since we both started out extra skinny, the few pounds we gained throughout the years looked okay on us.
His hair which was shoulder length when I met him started to fall out just a few years later. And my long black curly hair that he loved started to thin out to a point where it was best if I kept it short.
We actually both mourned the loss of our hair...lol! And we really missed having long hair when we used to play "air guitar"
to AC/DC or something...it's hard to be a "rocker" if you can't swirl your hair around...lol!
Anyway...yes I have aged and gotten softer and my skin is ...well...my skin is getting to feel like old skin you know? But inside that old skin is still the 14 year old bad ass me:) 
JMO
Edit: I agree with ~Kyn~...that was a nice post WhosDrunk?. I wish I'd mentioned the "real" worries that a couple can face in their lifetime instead of the ones that are not so real and not important after all. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:38:03 PM | How would you feel if something happened and you gained a 100 pounds for some reason or the other?
Or if you had an accident and was wheelchair bound, or worse, bed ridden and had to have nurses 24/7?
If you have to think about that stuff happening to your s/o in the future, you best not even bother because as others have said, life happens and tommorrow brings a totally new day of unexpected things...
I met someone on here and in the next couple weeks, she is going to be moving across the country to share my home which will become hers...
Do we wonder about things?
Are we concerned about the future?
Are there what if's?
Yes to all, however we both feel our love is there to make a life together so we are going to make it happen...
In 10 or 20 years one of us gets sick of fat, we will still enjoy sharing our life together...
So, in answer to your question, yes, you are both, shallow and wrong... | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:40:10 PM | | Understandable to think 'what if' 20 years down the road, but 20 years doesn't happen over night, if you are with a person, you will see a gradual change and be able to do something about it before it gets to an extreme point. It doesn't hurt to also be with someone with similar values. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 9 | |
| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:40:57 PM | ^^^ Nice post Whos Drunk.
So, in answer to your question, yes, you are both, shallow and wrong...
Dammit...wish Id said that.
Instead I'll say this...
Do you ladies feel this way about men?
Wouldnt bother me....would still love him.
Unless he wanted to wear speedos and a helmet to family gatherings.
*has established that* lol | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:51:10 PM | I really don't think I'm asking for too much to want someone who shares my interests but I get told all the time to lower my standards or else I will be alone for the rest of my life. So I should settle for a person who obviously does not care to keep fit just for companionship? How is that fair for either of us? I can't give her 100% if I'm not attracted to her and I'm sure you ladies feel the same way about men your not attracted to right? For me, I have to have an equal amount of physical and emotional, 50/50 or else it won't work. Do you ladies feel this way about men? Is any of what I just said shallow or wrong?
I'd rather date someone who lives the same lifestyle as myself because I'll be living this way for the rest of my life...part of attraction is (or can be) respect and admiration of a common goal. So yes, I like the physical rewards of working out/staying active and eating healthy, and the view ain't bad either. If I can pull all that off, they can.
I meet a lot of men who like (and sometimes require) a woman in good shape, but then try to explain to me that it's to be expected that they aren't exactly fit for their age. Eh, BS - if I can do it and if you can ask for it, you can offer it as well.
Regardless of what life throws at someone if they are in that mindset it won't matter if they gain weight or get injured or anything that keeps them from being active for a period of time because if they are anything like me, they'll both want to maintain what they can the best way that they can, and will still be that same healthy person on the inside. I would never just leave someone for gaining 20 pounds, but I'd want someone who'd notice it and want it gone long before I notice it.
OP, you can want what you want, and if you end up single forever from not finding it, that's ok too - doesn't bother me if I remain single. It would only be shallow if you wanted looks over and above anything else...the only thing I would say is to be kind to those who you are not interested in; you don't have to date someone who doesn't subscribe to your level of fitness, but don't discriminate against these people or speak to people without tact in your everyday life. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:04:32 PM | | Well I just want to thank everyone for their responses. I knew I was going to rub a few people the wrong way and I apologize. I completely understand about the medical reasons and don't get me wrong, I'm not a shallow person whatsoever. I was just referring to people who just don't care about themselves, that's all. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 12 | |
| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:22:08 PM | I was just referring to people who just don't care about themselves, that's all.
I dont really think you "get it" OP...people dont just stop "caring" about themselves and put on 100lbs.
It doesnt happen like that...there's always a reason behind things.
And your job as a partner is to help move them through it because you care about them and not the 100lbs.
If they were that extra 100lbs to start with ...you'd already have an indication of whether or not to walk a path with them.
If they put the 100lbs on after you've known them...it then becomes a test of you and your character as a person and your love for them. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:40:21 PM | | well...whatever makes you happy dude! even if we think it's shallow or not, who cares what we think right? only you know how to keep yourself happy...so you best make sure you're dating someone who'll just never get overly fat... | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:46:37 PM | Just be aware of the signs - if she has to diet all the time to maintain a normal weight then, chances are she will gain as she gets older.
It happens to most of us but I've seen it happen more to women who struggle with their weight
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:48:08 PM | I don't think it's wrong to wonder. I think we all wander a little down that future road a little. Women are probably more guilty of this than men.
This is what you need to know. If we don't feel sexy, we don't want to have sex. Even if not feeling sexy is our fault, we still don't want to have sex. Many women who put on quite a bit of weight have a very hard time feeling sexy. Our weight is our issue, not yours, but you still get the short end of the stick for it.
If you date a woman with a weight problem now, odds are that weight problem will only get worse as she ages. This is true for men as well. Then you can probably look forward to a life of being denied regular sex where your only means of freedom is basically giving up half of everything you own. And your house. And seeing your kids every night.
I think some overweight people get very offended when others, especially non overweight people, don't want to date them. Well there's a reason for it. But you won't get most of them to listen anyway.
I think it's wrong not to wonder actually.... | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:11:59 PM |
I get told all the time to lower my standards or else I will be alone for the rest of my life.
Dude. That's other people projecting THEIR FEAR on you. If you are not afraid of being alone, you will not be alone. If you have self confidence and clear understanding of what works for you, you will find a way for your relationships to work. You will not be alone the rest of your life.
Even if you end up with a new wife every 5 years, you will not be alone the rest of your life....yeah, maybe there will be some times when you are alone...but it won't be FOREVER....sheesh....... | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:23:36 PM | | Oh I beg to differ, you obviously don't live in in US, where obesity is a huge problem. YES, people do put on that much weight for no reason especially in the lower income areas. You mean to tell me that 65% of the population here has health related issues? I see it time and time again, especially with the kids. Fast food everywhere, lack of exercise, etc. Why is a 10 year old child 200 lbs? medical reasons? I don't think so. Granted, there are a few exceptions but life is made to be so easy and everyone is getting lazier so keeping fit is just not an issue for most people. Hey, if your happy that way, then more power to you. I'm just stating the facts and don't hate me for that. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:29:02 PM | Everyone wonders about potential changes in his or her partner if he or she is in a committed relationship that seems likely to last many years. Not everyone freaks out that he might marry a future-fatty (though I'll bet more do than would admit to it).
A sudden, or inexplicable weight-gain is the least of your problems though, buddy...I mean, your partner might not even get fat!
Here's what is more likely to happen (eventually):
-Grey/white pubic hair!
-Sagging "flags" of skin on a woman's upper arms!
-Cellulite! (this doesn't just happen to overweight women; it sometimes appears when a woman gets older)
- Physical Illness! (this could mean weight gain, hair loss, enfeebled body, reduced ability to groom herself)
-Depression! (this might happen after a pregnancy, or due to a death in the family/job loss/whatever; she could stop showering or brushing her hair, she could start taking medication that makes her gain weight or grow a mustache...but that's cool because it may also lower her sex-drive)
-Menopause! (so, now we've got mood changes, more possible weight gain, more chances of decreased sex-drive, another opportunity for depression to come-a-calling)
-Moles! (some women are genetically predisposed to getting a whole bunch of moles--the ugly kind, not pretty little beauty marks--when they get older, or after a pregnancy; there's often no sign that this will happen to a woman until it actually happens)
-Gigantic Brown Nipples! (after pregnancy a woman's body goes through a lot of changes; by no means do all women end up with "gigantic brown nipples," but, hey, some do, so why not worry about it?)
-Lots more gross stuff!
People get older. Sh-t happens. Get over it. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:31:02 PM | Emerald...just wanted to say this cos yeah I read your response in here and yeah I looked at your age (had it figured before I looked)...and yeah that sounds condescending but its actually not...its fairly easy when you're older to see innnocence and idealism as opposed to Reality and Life.
Most of Western Civilisation is overweight...thats the bottom line.
Now...we can all argue its lifestyle etc and sure it is to a degree...but fact is...throughout history...trends in differing body size is the norm.
During the Baroque period where rubenesque women were expected for example.
Fact is...people are different in size and they change, there's no guarantees with any of it.
Who cares...enjoy what people like but dont make it everyone elses issue.
Thin women...or men for that matter...are just as likely, through no fault of their own through hormonal changes...can balloon overnight and there's absolutely nothing people can do about it.
There doesnt even have to be a genetic predisposition.
If we don't feel sexy, we don't want to have sex. Even if not feeling sexy is our fault, we still don't want to have sex. Many women who put on quite a bit of weight have a very hard time feeling sexy. Our weight is our issue, not yours, but you still get the short end of the stick for it
Please dont speak definatively for women when it comes to this ^^^ cos frankly its a crock of shit and perpetuates the bullshit men believe about women and fosters insecurity in both sexes.
*I* feel sexy when Im with a man who loves me who I can entrust my heart and body to.
What goes on with me and my partner in our relationship IS about US and OUR bodies. Not me, not him, US.
50 lbs wont make a difference to me or my sex life or my interest in him unless he was an ass about it and that includes his own weight. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:38:16 PM | I think some people read to much into this. OP... it's NOT wrong to consider someone's lifestyle now. A skinny fat person is just as bad as a fat fat person. There are plenty of marriages that struggle when the physical appearance of one or the other changes dramatically. If you don't think you're being unrealistic then what do you care what others think?
If you date a woman with a weight problem now, odds are that weight problem will only get worse as she ages. This is true for men as well. Then you can probably look forward to a life of being denied regular sex where your only means of freedom is basically giving up half of everything you own. And your house. And seeing your kids every night.
I think some overweight people get very offended when others, especially non overweight people, don't want to date them. Well there's a reason for it. But you won't get most of them to listen anyway.
Hahah.... I am overweight... you won't hear me complain that men won't date me because I understand people have preferences and I'll find someone who wants me for me. I agree a woman has to be comfortable with her body and feel sexy to have sex. What I have a problem with in your arguement is you're assuming over weight women don't feel sexy and that if they were to gain more weight they would feel less sexy and thus produce sexless marriages.
I definately do not have that problem.. I think I am very sexy with how I am right now and that wouldn't change +/- 50 lbs. It's most of my thin and average friends that have body issues and won't put out when they feel a little bloated. The problems you describe can be true from a 75 lb - 400 lb woman depending on her self esteem and body image...
So yeah, I don't have a problem with the concept... but I don't know what you smoked before you came up with the reasoning behind it. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:59:24 PM |
any women who put on quite a bit of weight have a very hard time feeling sexy.
Sounds like a confidence and self-esteem issue to me, which would indicate to me that I found the wrong person. I've seen plenty of confident big girls.
OP if physical appearance is going to mean that much to you down the road then yes you are going to be alone. Right now it really doesn't matter what your preferences are, but time changes things and you'll find it doesn't change as you want it to.
Life has a way of changing your priorities. Lets say you get married and have some kids. Kids will occupy every minute of your free time. Would you rather workout or spend that time with your kids? Thursday afternoon after work do you hit the gym for 2 hours or teach your son how to throw a baseball? That's a very real choice mothers and fathers have to make. There just isn't enough time in the day.
I'm also not sure if you know this but pregnancy isn't very friendly to a woman's body.
Lastly I would hope that if you are with a woman for that long of a time, you will love her so deeply that it just doesn't matter. Anything less isn't love, its lust/infatuation. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:01:30 PM | O.P.
No it's not wrong to wonder what could happen in the future, though it comes with some caveats. There is no way you could possibly predict all of the different things that could happen 20 years from now, and still have time to participate fully in today.
At the same time I am curious why you are looking for negatives that may or not present themselves 20 years from now. I have to wonder if you are starting to get serious about someone and are testing yourself to see if you have that level of comittment or if perhaps something has happened to make you look so far ahead.
This could be something from your current partner, peer pressure, or some other life event, just to suggest a few possibilities.
At the same time, people change over time. But are you willing to give up the 20 years of positive? If the next 20 years are going to be terrible and you imply that it will take the full 20 years to realize that, then by all means back away. But, if you foresee 20 years of greatness prior to the ruination...
My thoughts,
Wee-Lamm | |
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stacj
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Joined: 6/27/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:08:05 AM | | OP in 20 years you will be 59 years old and by the look of your hairline you may be a bit bald by then LOL sorry but, you just never know what can happen in 20 years. Now just think maybe the lady you end up with in 20 years doesn’t like bald guys. What you gonna do then? You have a nice smile so that should make up for the hair loss. I don’t want to be 100 pounds bigger in 20 years so for me I try to take care of myself but sometimes things happen in life that is out of our control. | |
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| Is it wrong.....
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:56:27 AM |
Don't settle. That's it. Hahaha.
That's the best advice I heard all night. ;) | |
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