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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:22:04 PM | Why is it so hard to distinguish between the nice and horrible hurtful men out there? Granted they are not all idiots, but where do you even start to find a nice one!!
Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back?
How can you make yourself stronger and learn to just let go?
All comments and help greatly appreciated, this is so hard.
xx  xx | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:37:37 PM | darling the key to having a man treat you like a princess is to truely believe that you are a queen. you must love yourself in order to command love and respect from others.
a beautiful woman such as you should have no problem finding love. to make yourself strong you must search within yourself to find who you are, and how you project yourself to the world.
the world loves you sister :) | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:42:43 PM | This is the honest truth from my heart.
You go back because they have sapped every bit of self worth from you.
You think they are the only person who is going to like you ever, BUT THEY DON'T LIKE YOU, they like the control they have over you - no more no less.
How do you sort it, once away from them, get naked find a mirror and check yourself out, see what you have to offer the world, then sit down after a long hot bath, with a nice glass of something that makes you feel good, and write a list of all the good things that person does for you, and write a list of all the bad things they do for you.
Put both lists on the back door, if you are going to meet them read the bad list, maybe you might find your self worth at the bottom of that list, change your mind and sit back down.
These bad people are self destructive - step back and think about it! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:43:42 PM | | I try to figure it out too. i mean i am a nice guy who will never hit a girl and i am good friends with these girls that go out with a guy that abuses them and they get away then they just go back, while there is a nice guy that htey know won't hurt them righ there. it makes no sense, it almost makes a nice guy like me want to become one of those**** guys. but yea i honestly can't answer your question | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:45:52 PM | Have you been through therapy?
Here's what you can do for you... Look up the abuse shelter in your area, and see if they have a domestic violence group. After sitting there and sharing with women who do a lot of the same messed up wrong things, you will start to relate.
That is when the healing starts to begin. When you realize where it is you are selling yourself short, and NOT seeing the major red flags, that everybody and their blind grandmother seem to have seen.
You my sweet friend probably do what a lot of women do, put your blinders on, and HEAR THE HURT, from someone that is inclined to abuse. They all have a sad story to tell, Mom was abusive, dad wasn't there, dad commited suicide, mom did, wife did..
It is about taking time out and building up your own self esteem, and believing that you really deserve better in your life...NOT ONLY THAT but being accountable for NOT getting out before the fist start flying.
Sad thing about a lot of women that have been in abusive relationships, is that we believe with all our heart we can control a situation, things don't seem to bad, perhaps he's drunk and we figure that is ok, I can handle it...
Thing is you can't, because the other person becomes irrational...
I wasn't a drinker, or someone that did drugs, so I was very clear headed about things, BUT still thought I could control the situation. I think if a person is drunk or on drugs themself then it makes it that much worse.
The letting go part is when you see ALL sides of him, and decide that those few wonderful sweet moments aren't worth the incredible hell for the other 23 hours of the day.
We forgive, because we want to believe it will be different. That is the thing we keep fooling ourselves about.
When you take a good hard look at yourself, and realize you need fixed for your own personal weaknesses, then it gets better.
In the mean time, I'd see about getting in touch with an abuse shelter, and working from there.
Good luck.... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:53:30 PM | You have female friends, family?
One of the best things about these forums is the support we get from others. I have met a lot of really great people (ok not met) but have been in contact with them over e mail.
It is really a great source to know you aren't alone.
There are people that have traveled the same path, and have gotten beyond where you are out... The thing we learn is to reach back and help others as we were helped.
Feel free to drop me a line if you'd like...
Making female friends was one of the best things I learned to do when I was on dating hiatus.
The one abuser I had, he was like a bad addiction. They start out slow...Usually a person is feeling vulnerable, and they know all the right things to say and promise to coze you into their web. Before you know it, they have you wrapped up, and you have lost yourself.
Reaching out and wanting to break the cycle is the first step.... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:59:37 PM | yea i think its great that i can talk a bit about this on here, cos i never told my family wot happened. it hasnt happened again for 2 years, but the comments still made now hurt as much, men (not all) seem to know exactly wot to say and wot ur weak points are so i guess the secret is not to show ur weak points! so i am now finally trying to get on with things, and i think this site will be a great help.
thank you all
xx | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:08:57 AM | I think it's because they don't have I'm an abusive A$$hole stamped on their forehead!
Many of them are charming.... until they lose it... they make women feel like they can't do any better... they come back crawling and appologizing and out of sheer stupidity women fall for the emotional bullshyt part of it!
I have a friend that has gone to jail twice because of her boyfriend! They are TOXIC together.... and no one undersnds why they keep ending up back together!
If you're in the pattern of being attracted to that kind of man then you need to step back and look at what qualities you're initially attracted to. Ask your friends for honest(not mean) but honest feedback to see if there were any clues on these guys you've missed... so you can work on avoiding them in the future! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:15:11 AM | the real reason is because some women respond to those kind of man.
women are emotional creatures , so they FEEL things way hard. when a girl gets her emotions peaked over and over, she cant help but be attracted to it on some level. thats why women like funny guys or jerk guys. postive and negative emotional spikes.
logically it doesnt make sense. but then you hear a woman say something like "man, THE LAST 5 GUYS I DATED WERE ABUSIVE ***holeS, i just want a nice guy".
yes, logically you might, but abusive ***holes are very obviously the kind of guy you respond to. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:16:16 AM | LOZ Hunter, I am not sure what you are talking about... ???????????This was in my first post.
It is about taking time out and building up your own self esteem, and believing that you really deserve better in your life...NOT ONLY THAT but being accountable for NOT getting out before the fist start flying.
I told her to get help, and to see from other women what they were doing. Then you can reflect on what you are doing yourself.
It isn't about the abused person being locked up... It is about the abused person learning to know they can't control someone else that is losing control... That is when a person needs to know they need to extricate themselves from the situation...
The abuse shelters were I live have groups that get together and talk about the situations they are in. Some are there at the shelter, but other have their own place, and are needing to learn how to get their esteem back... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:26:25 AM | iamnotsinfuld
i do not usually respond at all to abusive men, i have had a number of good relationships, but some men can be so charming, promise you the world and that things will change, that u end up believing they WILL actually change. only to find out u put ur heart and soul into a lie.
Not ALL men are like this, but in this day and age it is hard to tell the bullshitters from the real deal!
i really feel, that unless u have actually been in the situation, u can empathise, but not possibly fully understand. i always used to say when i was younger, how can a person stsay in an environment like that, but having experienced it, i now understand why so many women actually stay.
Sad to say, it may not be right, but it is something that will always happen and simply cannot be prevented. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:57:26 AM | It was explained to me a long time ago. When you get abused (verbally or physically) you start to associate it with love or hear them say the words "I love you" after the abuse so you link the two actions in your mind. So when you get with someone who is nice, they might tell you that they love you but it doesn't feel right without the pain. You literally need to relearn what true love is supposed to feel like and learn to accept the real feeling and not the false link.
Thomas | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:01:33 AM | Here is priceless advice,
Google: "Borderline Disorder" and "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" Read and take notes. If ANY of these qualities are prevalent in your abusive relationships... you have a tendency to date this type of person. .... and typically these are THE EXTREMELY ABUSIVE ONES.
Read through the information carefully (there is a lot out there) and you will start to be able to see these qualities very early on and walk away before you invest too much. In time you will find these qualities repulsive and seek out better partners!
-A Survivor
Good luck! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:04:13 AM | It's a long hard road to get over it and move on, I do wish you the best of luck and definitely seek help as it was suggested. An abusive relationship can mess with your whole life outlook.
Sorry I don't really have any insight as to how a strong person can end up putting up with abuse, but sadly it happens far too often. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 3:55:43 AM | There's a lot of very good advice here. As a survivor, I'd like to add just a little bit to it.
Many of us grew up in abusive homes. We learned to be comfortable with abuse. So what's wrong feels right. We never had someone show us real love, so when we experience it, it is scary as hell. Right feels wrong and wrong feels right.
Inner healing is a long road but it's worth it. If you don't do the work, you WILL repeat the abuse. It's just a matter of time.
We also tend to want to repeat our childhood dramas so that we can change the result. We think we were abused because we weren't good enough, and if we just try harder...so we re-create the mess and give it another go.
I truly hope some of this helps. Nobody deserves to be abused. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:33:15 AM | | may i add something here? well you realy do have to go to thinking diffrently dont think of him put yourself FIRST you and only you: learn life is better without him because these types never change so give up on him changing, and figure out you deserve better ,it always helps if you can figure out that you can make it on your own without his bs ,i always like to say hold your head high and tell him i can replace you like a button off my shirt ,find a job you love and tell him to kiss this! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:39:40 AM | | I believe that the reason women stay with men who are abusive is because they are either scared of what they would do if they left them or that they think they'd be able to "fix" the man. Either reason is wrong. There is so much support out there for women. If you are being abused then just think of what you would say to your best friend if it was happening to her. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:50:36 AM | It happens everyday. A woman is abused...physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally. Physical abuse happens all too often to entirely too many women. But she's not hit by some random stranger. She's hit by the man she's married to or lives with, the man that she loves and who is supposed to love her. So why doesn't she just leave him?
Unfortunately, it sounds easy to just walk away. But it's not that easy. The man who abuses the woman will usually threaten her in various ways. He will tell her that if she leaves, he will hurt her or her loved ones. He might threaten to hurt himself. Too often the man degrades the woman, so much so that she believes no one else would have her, that she has no place to go, that it's her fault he loses control and hits her. And in some warped way, she believes that the attention he gives her by abusing her is better than no attention, and that it's love. So she stays with him and the cycle continues.
A woman who is abused often has very low self esteem. The man who abuses her often does also. He feels he has no control over his life and therefore seeks to control the woman, and in his mind demeaning her and hurting her will make her stay with him, because he has her thinking she can't survive without him.
Often the man who abuses was abused himself earlier in life, or witnessed abuse. He has a need to try to control and that need often turns into abusing the woman he is with. In general these men appear to be very caring and supportive, when in essence they are really very insecure and afraid of losing the woman they are abusing.
There are many excuses that a man gives for abusing a woman. He can call it love, he can say he is protecting her, he can say his wife will do as he says, he can say she needs someone to keep her in line, he can say she can't make it without him, he can say she deserves it. It's still abuse, it's not love, but there is hope for him if he can see what he is doing.
Too many women think that they can change their abusive man. They believe him when he says he won't hit them again after he does it again and again. They hide the bruises, they lie about how about why they have to cancel plans with friends, they cover up for him and the cycle continues. The only one that can change the abusive man is the man himself. He has to see what he is doing and want to change. No one can stop his controlling nature for him. But the woman can get out of that dangerous living situation. She can leave. She can have a peaceful life, and one without being hit on and abused.
There are battered women's shelters all over the country. A woman always has a place that she can go to escape abuse. If a woman is threatened, this is a safe place to go. While sometimes a man who threatens will actually carry out that threat, that's more rare than the norm. Threats are usually lame attempts to keep the woman from leaving.
Stay with a friend, family, even church members. There is always a place to go, and a way out. A woman who hasn't worked and doesn't have income can get help! There's schooling, there are jobs, there is a way out. It's not always easy to start over, but the freedom and peace of mind make it all worth it.
One of the hardest parts will be the decision of whether to go back to the man that was hurting you when he says he has changed. People DO change, and there is hope for a man that has abused his wife. To lump all abusers into one basket and say don't go back is just wrong. Some do change, but some don't. A lot really depends on the man, his background, his desire to overcome his past, how much he really wants to change, and how much he really wants his wife back in his life.
Pia C. Windwolf | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:57:06 AM | Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.
Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren’t good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won’t leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.”
Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine’s Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.
We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.
1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.
If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns.
Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous. If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help.
Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.
Pia C. Windwolf | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:59:08 AM | There's an old saying that goes something like :
"F*ck me once, your bad
F*ck me twice, my bad"
and I think that's all that needs to be said. Because what are people supposed to do when they make a mistake? Fix it. If that mistake is a relationship, and broken beyond any repair, what do you do? Fix it. How do you do that? Walk.
Worked great w/ my ex-wife, even though neither of us was abusive. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:05:35 AM | Seems to be my day for this one. I have considered working on or with a site specifially with some of these issues. There are behaviours that sometimes point to problems and red flags that we miss or "want to ignore" for several reasons. I've heard it compared to a smoke alarm in a distant room while you are asleep. You hear it, but your desire to get up and investigate may delay your realization until its too late.
I posted some information on another thread and don't want to be redundant, but check my history link to the left or see this thread:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts9918167.aspx
You can learn some ways to prevent in the future and ways to hopefully heal some of the hurt. Especially if you blame yourself for a great deal or are left with no closure.
I do hope you will check the link (and the link in the link) :) | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:12:11 AM | | Like a few have said the emotion from the chemicals in the brain say this is love, you get addicted to that feeling. Most need that drug so they go and look for that same kind of man(THE DEALER) so they can attain that high, even to the point of provoking the (what I like to call drama)unintentional response. I don't even like to argue so the slightest hint of provoking or drama oops time to move on. It doesn't mean I not attracted to that person almost to the point of enduring the abuse,...... but.... then I say to myself, I cleaned, I cooked, I worked hard for almost 20 years, I deserve better so take that risk on yourself. drop em like a hot potato and try some new drugs called self esteem, sophistication, joy. Be crazy date some one half your age (unless your 32). If they start giving you tude spank them. | |
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