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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:05:01 PM | It is amazing to me that women think that mothers have a monopoly on raising children...I have been a single dad for 12 years of an Autistic child, no child support, no help and yet I keep hearing and seeing that woman who are in the same position are rubbed on the back. Where was my help?, where did the govenment help me or the courts or anyone else for that matter?...I 'm not a woman!!!!!!! But survey after survey, the last done in 12/2007 suggest that 67% of the woman who have children in or out of wedlock in the United States are considered unfit to care for a child or children
I don't blame women or anyone else, but all of the single woman that are parents in this country, your not alone, but don't think that all men dont care...I could have left my son to his mother, but I didn't and like all of the single fathers in this world, I would like a bit of credit to.... | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:33:18 PM |
But survey after survey, the last done in 12/2007 suggest that 67% of the woman who have children in or out of wedlock in the United States are considered unfit to care for a child or children
Considered by who? That's an awfully high number. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/10/2008 11:38:49 PM | Hi,
I too, am a single dad of a autistic son. He will be 16 in August, and I have been raising him on my own since he was 8 months old. I too, do not receive child support and never have, BUT I do and always had full custody.
I receive the Deeming Waiver which pays for all of his medical needs(basically medicaid) but it does nothing for "alternative medicine" which seems to benefit these children the most.
I receive(after waiting on a waiting list for 5 1/2 years) a government grant called the natural support enhancement waiver. I have had this in place for 4 years. I use it to have therapist come into my home during the time I am at work and work with my son on life skills and ABA. I have been homeschooling my son, out of pocket, for over 5 years now. Being nice about it....he out grew school system and what it can provide...though we still use it for speech and P.E.
And that's it!
No SSI, no food stamps, TANIF, nothing!
I was told by my son's socail worker that I am suppose to receive Tanif and SSI, Tanif cause the mother is unable to pay child support and SSI because he is disabled. BUT, when I call the SSI office, they say no. I make too much money and his mother is on SSI so he is entitled to a dollar a month.
SO, yea man....I know where your coming from.
I don't exactly know where you were going to with your post, but I do know this:
Autism is the #1 disability in America.
Autism is the LEAST funded disability in America, local, county, State, U.S. government and charity.
I read somewhere of the divorce rate in the autism community and it was like between 80 and 96%???
Anyway, I know a lot of single families with autistic children....I've been in the community for awhile....
Most single parents are the mothers that have custody of the autistic children.
Most of these women receive child support.
Some of the single parents are Dads, and most of them fought to get custody...and those that did were told by their lawyers that we would be "lucky" to get custody, don't push for child support.
In my case, I could never get child support as my ex draws from SSI for mental health issues.
So yea, I figured I'd type up my two cents here cause it's rare to see another dad like me...but we are out there and we are probably the least helped people in the nation that bare the most resp0nsibility.
Walk in these shoes for a week, I dare ya!!!!!! | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:21:18 AM | Congrats to both of you for being wonderful dads and taking care of your children. I have the utmost respect for men that take care of their children, and you both have a child with special needs; I can only imagine what you go thru.
I myself am a single mother of 2 beautiful daughters. I have never received child support from their dad(the state won't go after them for the support since I don't get any kind of assistance), no state benefits or anything, BUT I have what is the most important; the love and respect from my daughters. I work my butt off to take care of them and I show them love daily. We have what the absent parent doesn't, the joy of raising our children.
Best of luck to both of you and other parents in the same position. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:01:42 AM | I am a single mother myself. Have been raising alone without biological father help financial or otherwise. I've also found life to be easier without him and without his help. Became my choice to erase him from my past/future so to speak. Less drama anger all of that bitterness that can come to fester during a divorce not good for children. Happy well adjusted children who are I am told by teachers and coaches are happy and well mannered. No help from the government also was something I came to chooose. In a way I thought I had put in a good amount from taxes in lifetime and deserved a leg up..but for me the system did not work and it was more upsetting to me to deal with them then it was to just get rid of all that was not a positive for us.
Speaking to autism I have friends who have children with autism and I have a brother in law who is autistic. He is amazing. We are good friends and he is the one I gravitate to on Thanksgiving or family gatherings . We are two peas in the pod there. He is funny honest and real. He has come along way. I tell him he should work with autistic children because not only is he an inspiration he is also really great with kids. This is the guy who dresses up like santa clause gets the kids clapping for his talents. He is a kid at heart. He works and volunteers and makes my sister in law somewhat more bearable.
For those with autistic children I know a grown up who is a great communicator and made/making major stides.
In california depending on who is in government is where/how much money goes into a program.
Parents,male or female who are both mother/father deserve pats on the backs not shoves or body slams...but it is what it is...there are people who will do this. Plenty of posts here on pof where it gets maddening.. but we all who are Soul/Sole parent people know about each other what others could not possibly. In that we are raising our kids we are equal. Male and female. We might be the only sub-group in society who could say that. Happy mothers day to the moms and the dads. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:09:25 AM | To the OP: I guess it kinda depends on the people you are around on how they will view you and what you are doing for your kids. The vast majority of my friends are single moms and it is so amazing how they look at me like some kinda "hero". I have custody of my two boys and I feel so honored how they look at me like I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. The accolades go a long way in keeping me to keep my head up...so I definitely understand how you can say we single dads should get some credit. Because it does help you mentally to keep pressing on. So believe me, even though the people you know may not say it, they most likely applaud you for what you do raising your son. My ex said for 16 years that being a mother and a wife was not for her....just did not suit the lifestyle she wanted. So I moved her in with her boyfriend 4+ years ago, she eventually started paying child support and she no longer has much responsibilty for the boys. At 40, so has the party life she always wanted since she was 16 and I have my boys  As far as the child support goes...you have to just keep hammering at the Courts to get you the monies you deserve. Took me two years, but it is done and I have gotten checks regularly for the past 2 years. I will honestly say, the Courts definitely do not make it easy for Dads to get support...there is NO ONE that will disagree that there is a double standard there. My thought is even though the non-custodial doesn't want the responsibility (physically or financially) to help care for the child/children...that is not an option they have. Best of luck to you and your son. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:51:38 AM | I am a single father of two girls that has had full coustody even before my divorce...
I think as far as numbers go, that 67% might be about right...Forty years ago, that number would have been 75-80% in the womens favor...Go back fifty years or more (ago), and that number might be 99.999% ...Times have changed, the world is changing...We might not like everything that's going on around us, but we have found a way to survive none-the-less...
I also have a special needs (Touretts Syndrome) daughter (12 years old) living with me 100% of the time...My ex, wanting to be a "Free Spirit" thought that our 2 girls would be better off with me...She never contested the divorce ruling, and has also run off to a State that allows her to hide behind liberal laws...I even had her support reduced to make it easier on her to pay...(Thinking that if our girls saw "something" come in the mail, that they would know that their mom was thinking about them)...(Wrong!)...
But life moves on!
Those of us trying to move on in our lives have what's most important, our kids... | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:59:10 AM | Where was my help?, where did the govenment help me or the courts or anyone else for that matter?...
So are you assuming that every single mother has help?? Here`s a newsflash for you,I never got shit from anyone while raising my two kids and many other women haven`t either!!
So stop feeling sorry for yourself and do the best you can.Thats all any of us single parents can do.
I'm not a woman!!!!!!!
That has nothing to do with anything. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:20:54 PM |
But survey after survey, the last done in 12/2007 suggest that 67% of the woman who have children in or out of wedlock in the United States are considered unfit to care for a child or children
What about that survey.. you know the one that says your an unfit PARENT when you put up pictures of your child on the internet.. hey OP why dont you stop using a pic of you and your kid on your profile before you talk about other people being unfit parents | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:42:10 PM | My hats off to you, it must be real tough coping with all the medical and day to day care and aditional expeneses of your son.
I myself fought hard to get custody of my two boys, greatest feeling in the world, to be able to play Mr Mom and Mr Dad.
Both my sons are well manered and very intelligent.
I too believe that women are not always the best of the parents to raise children.
A good point, talk to counselors about the over bearing mass of children in for counseling, Real Problem.
I'm not against women and Child Custody, just the point that all are not able or fit, JUST as some men are not.
For your childs sake, never let the children be in the middle of ex spouses arguement, do not be vindictive and alienate, please always do whats best for the child sake , thats to men and women.
All the best, JOHN | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:52:33 AM | Congrats on stepping up and looking after your kids.
I personally know of 4 other guys who raise their kids on their own.
For 2 of them the respective mothers walked out on their kids when they were babies (have not been heard from since) 1 of them told his ex that if she leaves she is not taking his son - she did not even put up a fight. And the 4th guy, his gf died.
Its great to hear about the guys who step up to the plate and take the caring role.
Full credit to yas.
Love it and love you guys that do it.
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:09:15 AM | OP seems to be angry that (in his view) women get child support and men don't.
Check it out... while women with custody get court judgments for child support... MOST NEVER RECEIVE IT! The Ex moves out of state where they cannot be reached, change jobs so often that they cannot be found, etc. etc. etc.
I have too many friends who have sole custody of their children after divorce. Not one receives the support that was court ordered! One has a check that comes from child services each month ($14 per child per week!)...because he ex skipped on the payments and she needed help from somewhere. You tried to raise a child on $14 a week? Doesn't even pay for the lunches.
Then, to make matters worse... because they have to take so much time from work to handle child care, child health (regular doctors and emergency runs), etc...they are then the first to be let go by the employer because they are not "pulling their share of the load", "taking too much personal time"..etc.
So.. please... don't think that a court order means they are actually receiving a thing, and don't think that they have an easy ride! | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:40:28 AM | | Im a single father, only post my picture on my profile, but can understand why OP put his picture on, its because of all the narrow minded people around who DO think women are the only ones who can bring up kids, and just believe that men use this as some moronic chat up line. This is not just a woman thing, this goes on all over, including our work lives, dads do not get the respect, help and support that they deserve and need. Those who really get to know us single dads, will find that we have a lot more give than we are given credit for. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:53:48 AM |
I'm not a woman!!!!!!!
That has nothing to do with anything.
I'm afraid it does.
If the shoe was on the other foot the father would be thrown in jail for failure to pay support.
I tried to have something done about my ex not paying suport and was told point blank, "we don't have the facilties to house females".
For those with special need children, google Miracle League.
It's a great program. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:54:40 AM | OP
I would like a bit of credit to....
I'm not sure why you think your entitled to some kind of credit or pat on the back,, or even support from the government,, Sure it would be nice to get help every now and then.. However, that is not what being a dad is all about..
Having custody of our children, in not a right, but rather a privilege..
With that privilege,, it is our responsibility to care for our children in the best way we know how,,
Expecting help, or feeling neglected because we don't get any, I say, put the big boy pants on and deal with it..
I'm not trying to sound, uncaring,, I have a son, I adopted him at birth, my wife died 13 mo. later. At the age of 4, my son was also diagnosed with autism(PDD)..
He is now 8,, I receive no state aid either, no respite,, no medical,, etc...It seems it's a constant battle just to get the services he needs in school,, But he get them,, because I advocate for him..
There are many men and woman who will never understand, what role your playing in life,, good or bad,, It is your responsibility,, to make the best of life,, positive attitude can change your life completely.. I agree with one poster, I get a lot of compliments too, and have earned respect from teachers, men and woman alike.. I'm not a good dad so that I may get a pat on the back,, I do it,, because I love my son.. (I'm not suggesting you don't love your children).......
I'm not really sure why or if your complaining,, or feeling like your owed something..I would suggest, speaking to someone who could help "you" as a father deal with your frustrations..,,because sooner or later your frustrations will spill over to your children,, and that will not be healthy for anyone..
Just my opinion, Good luck.. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:58:35 AM | Rdcnorm,
i read a lot of your replies to the forums as well as your profile it is such a pleasure
to see a man with his act together for a change ....Thanks | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:59:45 PM | Where do you live I-Hunt Cuz-I-Can?????
Not one single man I know who fails to pay child support has landed in jail!! Most of them cannot be found... but.. a few are easily located. No one is going to come looking for them! Please... what magical land do you live in?
Once, about 10 years or so ago, there was a push to get people to pay the court order support but chasing them all over the country and jailing them ...but... like so many things, it was only important while certain politicians were getting re-elected. Since then...nothing.
ALL of the women I know who have sole custody of their children have a missing "other". It isn't like he was around to demand custody... no, instead he couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough.
I admire anyone (man or woman) raising kids alone!! That is one very tough job when there are two adults in the household. My hats off to all of you!! | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:44:51 PM |
I'm not sure why you think your entitled to some kind of credit or pat on the back,, or even support from the government,
Because many women think they're entitled to credit, a pat on the back, and support from taxpayers. I don't get why any one would expect a cookie for a decision they chose to make, but whatever. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:16:49 PM | I am in awe of any single parent or set of parents who raise disabled children.
You are all remarkable. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:29:02 PM |
You are all remarkable.
Correction, they are wonderful.
I have met so many great kids through my son being special.
I have coached Miracle League teams for 4 years and I love all my players.
I was asked one time what makes my son special.
I didn't say a word about his seizures or even mention anything wrong with him.
I smiled and said, he doesn't see color, religion, politics or anything else that sets us apart.
He sees goodness in everyone.
He sees people.
He sees playmates and friends. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:49:42 PM | I agree that number does seem to be a little high.
TrueBlue, Downboy:
I am a single mom of an autistic son myself. He is 15 and I've been the sole person to care for him since day one, and I wouldnt change it for the world. I take care of him myself, no child support, not on welfare, nothing. So its not just moms or just dads who get singled out, I feel both get recognition (granted sometimes it may not be enough). The thing I would complain about is why is it hard for someone to love our children and accept them for who they are. Its hard for me to find someone special for us because they all run the opposite direction after learning he is autistic. But Im not going to get on my soap box about that topic, its their loss not ours.
My two cents worth is its not just women getting attention for being single parents. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:51:05 PM | I have read many articles about autism, This one was the most helpful, I read it every now and then, just to keep my focus...I also believe that parents without autistic children should read this as well,, you will find it enlightening,, I did,, it just opened my eyes,, to a whole different light/life,, matter of fact,, I think it saved me..
[This article was published in the "Our Voice," the newsletter of Autism Network International, Volume 1, Number 3, 1993. It is an outline of the presentation I gave at the 1993 International Conference on Autism in Toronto, and is addressed primarily to parents.]
________________________________________
Parents often report that learning their child is autistic was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to them. Non-autistic people see autism as a great tragedy, and parents experience continuing disappointment and grief at all stages of the child's and family's life cycle.
But this grief does not stem from the child's autism in itself. It is grief over the loss of the normal child the parents had hoped and expected to have. Parents' attitudes and expectations, and the discrepancies between what parents expect of children at a particular age and their own child's actual development, cause more stress and anguish than the practical complexities of life with an autistic person.
Some amount of grief is natural as parents adjust to the fact that an event and a relationship they've been looking forward to isn't going to materialize. But this grief over a fantasized normal child needs to be separated from the parents' perceptions of the child they do have: the autistic child who needs the support of adult caretakers and who can form very meaningful relationships with those caretakers if given the opportunity. Continuing focus on the child's autism as a source of grief is damaging for both the parents and the child, and precludes the development of an accepting and authentic relationship between them. For their own sake and for the sake of their children, I urge parents to make radical changes in their perceptions of what autism means.
I invite you to look at our autism, and look at your grief, from our perspective:
Autism is not an appendage
Autism isn't something a person has, or a "shell" that a person is trapped inside. There's no normal child hidden behind the autism. Autism is a way of being. It is pervasive; it colors every experience, every sensation, perception, thought, emotion, and encounter, every aspect of existence. It is not possible to separate the autism from the person--and if it were possible, the person you'd have left would not be the same person you started with.
This is important, so take a moment to consider it: Autism is a way of being. It is not possible to separate the person from the autism.
Therefore, when parents say,
"I wish my child did not have autism,"
what they're really saying is,
"I wish the autistic child I have did not exist, and I had a different (non-autistic) child instead."
Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence. This is what we hear when you pray for a cure. This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces.
Autism is not an impenetrable wall
You try to relate to your autistic child, and the child doesn't respond. He doesn't see you; you can't reach her; there's no getting through. That's the hardest thing to deal with, isn't it? The only thing is, it isn't true.
Look at it again: You try to relate as parent to child, using your own understanding of normal children, your own feelings about parenthood, your own experiences and intuitions about relationships. And the child doesn't respond in any way you can recognize as being part of that system.
That does not mean the child is incapable of relating at all. It only means you're assuming a shared system, a shared understanding of signals and meanings, that the child in fact does not share. It's as if you tried to have an intimate conversation with someone who has no comprehension of your language. Of course the person won't understand what you're talking about, won't respond in the way you expect, and may well find the whole interaction confusing and unpleasant.
It takes more work to communicate with someone whose native language isn't the same as yours. And autism goes deeper than language and culture; autistic people are "foreigners" in any society. You're going to have to give up your assumptions about shared meanings. You're going to have to learn to back up to levels more basic than you've probably thought about before, to translate, and to check to make sure your translations are understood. You're going to have to give up the certainty that comes of being on your own familiar territory, of knowing you're in charge, and let your child teach you a little of her language, guide you a little way into his world.
And the outcome, if you succeed, still will not be a normal parent-child relationship.
Your autistic child may learn to talk, may attend regular classes in school, may go to college, drive a car, live independently, have a career--but will never relate to you as other children relate to their parents. Or your autistic child may never speak, may graduate from a self-contained special education classroom to a sheltered activity program or a residential facility, may need lifelong full-time care and supervision--but is not completely beyond your reach. The ways we relate are different. Push for the things your expectations tell you are normal, and you'll find frustration, disappointment, resentment, maybe even rage and hatred. Approach respectfully, without preconceptions, and with openness to learning new things, and you'll find a world you could never have imagined.
Yes, that takes more work than relating to a non-autistic person. But it can be done--unless non-autistic people are far more limited than we are in their capacity to relate. We spend our entire lives doing it. Each of us who does learn to talk to you, each of us who manages to function at all in your society, each of us who manages to reach out and make a connection with you, is operating in alien territory, making contact with alien beings. We spend our entire lives doing this. And then you tell us that we can't relate.
Autism is not death
Granted, autism isn't what most parents expect or look forward to when they anticipate the arrival of a child. What they expect is a child who will be like them, who will share their world and relate to them without requiring intensive on-the-job training in alien contact. Even if their child has some disability other than autism, parents expect to be able to relate to that child on the terms that seem normal to them; and in most cases, even allowing for the limitations of various disabilities, it is possible to form the kind of bond the parents had been looking forward to.
But not when the child is autistic. Much of the grieving parents do is over the non-occurrence of the expected relationship with an expected normal child. This grief is very real, and it needs to be expected and worked through so people can get on with their lives--
but it has nothing to do with autism.
What it comes down to is that you expected something that was tremendously important to you, and you looked forward to it with great joy and excitement, and maybe for a while you thought you actually had it--and then, perhaps gradually, perhaps abruptly, you had to recognize that the thing you looked forward to hasn't happened. It isn't going to happen. No matter how many other, normal children you have, nothing will change the fact that this time, the child you waited and hoped and planned and dreamed for didn't arrive.
This is the same thing that parents experience when a child is stillborn, or when they have their baby to hold for a short time, only to have it die in infancy. It isn't about autism, it's about shattered expectations. I suggest that the best place to address these issues is not in organizations devoted to autism, but in parental bereavement counseling and support groups. In those settings parents learn to come to terms with their loss--not to forget about it, but to let it be in the past, where the grief doesn't hit them in the face every waking moment of their lives. They learn to accept that their child is gone, forever, and won't be coming back. Most importantly, they learn not to take out their grief for the lost child on their surviving children. This is of critical importance when one of those surviving children arrived at the same time the child being mourned for died.
You didn't lose a child to autism. You lost a child because the child you waited for never came into existence. That isn't the fault of the autistic child who does exist, and it shouldn't be our burden. We need and deserve families who can see us and value us for ourselves, not families whose vision of us is obscured by the ghosts of children who never lived. Grieve if you must, for your own lost dreams. But don't mourn for us. We are alive. We are real. And we're here waiting for you.
This is what I think autism societies should be about: not mourning for what never was, but exploration of what is. We need you. We need your help and your understanding. Your world is not very open to us, and we won't make it without your strong support. Yes, there is tragedy that comes with autism: not because of what we are, but because of the things that happen to us. Be sad about that, if you want to be sad about something. Better than being sad about it, though, get mad about it--and then do something about it. The tragedy is not that we're here, but that your world has no place for us to be. How can it be otherwise, as long as our own parents are still grieving over having brought us into the world?
Take a look at your autistic child sometime, and take a moment to tell yourself who that child is not. Think to yourself: "This is not my child that I expected and planned for. This is not the child I waited for through all those months of pregnancy and all those hours of labor. This is not the child I made all those plans to share all those experiences with. That child never came. This is not that child." Then go do whatever grieving you have to do--away from the autistic child--and start learning to let go.
After you've started that letting go, come back and look at your autistic child again, and say to yourself: "This is not my child that I expected and planned for. This is an alien child who landed in my life by accident. I don't know who this child is or what it will become. But I know it's a child, stranded in an alien world, without parents of its own kind to care for it. It needs someone to care for it, to teach it, to interpret and to advocate for it. And because this alien child happened to drop into my life, that job is mine if I want it."
If that prospect excites you, then come join us, in strength and determination, in hope and in joy. The adventure of a lifetime is ahead of you.
Reprint permission: All articles published in "Our Voice" may be freely copied and shared for personal use, and reprinted in other publications, provided the original author and publication credits are included in all copies or reprints. If you reprint any of my articles, I would appreciate being sent a copy of the publication containing my article. My mailing address is:
Jim Sinclair
P.O. Box 35448
Syracuse, NY 13235 | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:51:34 AM | Where was my help?, where did the govenment help me or the courts or anyone else for that matter?...I 'm not a woman!!!!!!! But survey after survey, the last done in 12/2007 suggest that 67% of the woman who have children in or out of wedlock in the United States are considered unfit to care for a child or children
I don't blame women or anyone else, but all of the single woman that are parents in this country, your not alone, but don't think that all men dont care...I could have left my son to his mother, but I didn't and like all of the single fathers in this world, I would like a bit of credit to....
____________________________________________________________
WTF is your point? Perhaps you might have gotten a little concurrment, if you didn't write this stupid quote::
"But survey after survey, show 67% of the woman who ...are considered unfit to care for a child or children". Did you get that from the pissed off dad's website? Go contact your local social services agencies if you want help, instead of whining or criticizing others. | |
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| Single Fathers
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:33:37 AM | After I got divorced, I was single, as my ex moved to another state, and my kids chose to live with her. When my son graduated from HS about a year ago, he left her and moved back with me. Thats a different kind of parenting though, as he's now an adult.
But my daughter (15) now wants to leave her and move in with me too, so I'm looking at a future of being a single parent within a month. (the reason being that my ex was making life so miserable for her that she had contemplated suicide).
Can I be a perfect parent? No. I'm far too human to attain perfection. But I will certainly take the job very seriously and do the best I can. | |
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