| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:14:32 AM | I have a male friend. The relationship has always been platonic. We often get together over a beer to catch up--we each buy our own drinks. We meet more often when he doesn't have a girlfriend, because he has more time available to get out then. I met his current girlfriend once, she is not usually with him when we meet, but often, his other male friends are and one or two other mutual female friends. We might exchange a cheek-to-cheek "air kiss" as a greeting if it's been a while since we last met for a drink, but beyond that, there is absolutely no physical contact between us...until I bring along a male friend. It doesn't matter if I introduce the other male as a friend or as a boyfriend, suddenly my drinking buddy will be right next to my, draping his arm around my shoulders, and starts to be very attentive, asking if he can get me another beer, and the like. If I say something, such as "what are you doing?", he claims this is the way he always acts with me, and asks me why I suddenly have a problem with it now that I brought some other guy...of course, this conversation all happens openly, right in front of my other friend.
This has happened about 4 times over the past few years. I have a hard time convincing any of my male friends afterwards that my drinking buddy is just that, and that the relationship is purely platonic. When I am seeing someone, and my drinking buddy asks me why I don't meet him for drinks anymore, I have told him that his behavior has made it difficult for me to maintain relationships with other guys. He then accuses me of being the type of girl who dumps her friends when she gets a boyfriend, and goes on about how he has never done that.
So guys...what could he be thinking?
My male friends tell me they think this guy secretly wants to be more than friends. I know this is not the case...my friend prefers women to be super thin, and I am not! When we first met, whenever we met for drinks, he would state how it wasn't a date, and if I was hoping to date him, then we shouldn't be friends. I liked that he was bluntly honest about why he wasn't attracted to me physically. I decided to be friends with him because most of my other male friends are guys who tried to date me, so, they are always trying to work some strategy to get closer to me.
Why would my drinking buddy, who has told me I am not the type he is physically attracted to, seem to get possessive when he meets another one of my male friends or boyfriends? | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:23:21 AM | | alpha male syndrome, possessive... i dunno. something like that. pure jealousy? i don't think its anything bad unless he starts peeing in your pocketbook or something. thats just how some people are. i would say men, but women do similar stuff. men are people too. i have a female friend who hates every girl that i date, and has nothing constructive to say, ever. i don't listen to her. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:23:58 AM | Why would my drinking buddy, who has told me I am not the type he is physically attracted to, seem to get possessive when he meets another one of my male friends or boyfriends?
Hello OP........Possibly your male friend is insecure.
He may care for you deeply....even though he is not attracted to you in the way lovers are.
He sounds like that he has feelings that go deep with you and he is afraid if you find someone special enough, you may forget him and lose contact.
Therefore, he maybe trying to sabotage any contacts you have with a possible suitor....JMO | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:25:31 AM | Psst, He's subconsciously trying to make you look more desireable to the guys you're dating. He is no more doing it on purpose, than you are intentionally setting yourself up for disaster, when you go out on 'dates' with him around.
Think about it.
You are just friends. He isn't attracted to you, he's made that clear. He is probably more conscious of his actions, when you are single. He doesn't want to send mixed messages. However, he is inadvertantly sending mixed signals when you ARE attached, perhaps because he feels more relaxed and able to express himself at those times.
Best Wishes ~
Okay, I've edited this message enough to be as clear as mud. I just wanted to say I had a male friend who did the same thing. He would rub my back, or 'sneak' kiss me (just a peck) but it sent the wrong signals to my potential boyfriends. All my friend was trying to do, is be supportive and also (sort of) demonstrate how attractive I am. I finally told him, thanks but no thanks and stopped including him on my "dates." I actually think it was ME with the problem, because I continually banged my head against that wall. Maybe I liked the attention he'd give me when I was on dates? Maybe I needed some ego stroking? Who knows, I just know I put an end to it very effectively.
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:33:59 AM |
He sounds like that he has feelings that go deep with you and he is afraid if you find someone special enough, you may forget him and lose contact.
You know, that really does "fit" with a lot of his behavior. He does try and fix me up with some of HIS male friends...it would lessen the risk of "losing me" if I was dating one of his other drinking buddies.
Thanks...I was thinking he might just be mean, and was messing with me just for his own sense of fun. You actually put a positive spin on the situation for me. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:09:26 AM |
Psst, He's subconsciously trying to make you look more desireable to the guys you're dating. He is no more doing it on purpose, than you are intentionally setting yourself up for disaster, when you go out on 'dates' with him around.
nope, I dont think so. What he IS doing is being possessive.....its a male thing more primal than we all might recognize. Im also guessing he IS interested in you,but knows you arent in him, so isnt pursuing that......yet......tho theres always hope.
Guys, weigh in on this as well.....whats your "gut" instinct here? | |
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tgj48
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Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 7 | |
| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:45:37 AM | | While he may say he is only attracted to super thin women he is not truthful with himself or you. He is attracted to who you are and he gets that attitude and gets possessive when you are seeing a guy you are interested in and don't spend time with your drinking buddy. If he is a true friend and only that as he says he should have no issue with you seem him a lot less when you are dating someone. True friends always understand this. Ask him to be completely honest with you about his feelings for you. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:22:49 AM | | My daughters get possesive like that when I get a girlfriend. I think it's cute. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:29:39 AM | He wants you... No matter how often or how clearly he says that he doesn't, he really does. And it probably hurts him any time it looks like you might be interested in someone else.
Men are smart in some things, and not so smart in others. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:35:52 AM | We meet more often when he doesn't have a girlfriend, because he has more time available to get out then.
He only cares about you being there when he wants to see you.
If you had a boyfriend or another friend that would cut into his time.
No way does he want that to happen.
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:01:21 AM | | He's feeling like he needs to defend his territory. Platonic until you bring along another male sounds like he's insecure. I would tell him to back off or friendship goes bye bye. You do not need someone to make your relationships difficult. Sooner or later you need to tell him to back off, again. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:40:22 PM | OP get over it. Are you for real? You chose to go out with him, and bring a tag along boyfriend. Do you honestly expect people to believe that he is the reason, that you have had failed relationships over the last few years? It seems you don't see each other very often, so how does the little contact effect anything?
You ask is it possessive behavior. I don't see it that way, as he made it clear he doesn't want you, and if you wanted more then friends, then he couldn't be around you. The fact that he is a bit more flirtatious around your male friends doesn't add up to me. It takes two to tango, and as a semi friend, if you thought it inappropriate, you would severe contact all together, unless of course you liked it. Which may in fact be the real issue. Good luck. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 1:02:39 PM | Some men are just plain fuked up, in the head, and no amount of
analyzing will ever make it be understood. I do know, most of it
usually has to do with insecurity which spawns jealousy, possessiveness
and a host of other unpleasant behavior!
Some people can't be helped or understood, so it's best just to adapt
to them (if this is acceptable) or get rid of them from your life! | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 2:17:23 PM | It sounds like does want you or wants to keep the status quo...
But it's hard to argue with Aspiring Angel... lol, always is... i can't type that fast...
Try going out with one of his fixups and see how he acts. If it continues then you've got a problem with your "friend".
fxdl... Lowrider?
fxsti | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:12:49 PM | Do I need to get out my bag of bricks?
Fefe, May I suggest you ask him out on a date? Be specific about it. Make sure he understands what it is you want to talk about. Clear the air. Are you willing to see him that way? It seems he's already there with you, just won't admit it.
Or maybe next time, yeah, I like this idea better...next time you meet for drinks, forget the "air kiss". Plant a great big wet one on him.Squeeze his tooshie. You get the idea? See how he handles the way you "always act around" him. Let us know how it goes. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:47:41 PM |
OP get over it. Are you for real? You chose to go out with him, and bring a tag along boyfriend. Do you honestly expect people to believe that he is the reason, that you have had failed relationships over the last few years? It seems you don't see each other very often, so how does the little contact effect anything?
Whoa cowboy...I never said I was blaming him for failed relationships. I said his behavior causes problems, I didn't say it was the reason the relationships didn't last.
Just for clarification, we do see each other fairly often, at least a couple times a month. There are times I see him once a week, sometimes 2x a week when he doesn't have a girlfriend. There have been times when 2 or 3 months have gone by, such as when one of us is in a new relationship or travelling for work a lot.
This is not a matter of "going out" with one guy and bringing a tag along boyfriend. It is sometimes just him and I that meet for drinks, but often, there are other mutual friends, or guys that he knows that he invited along to try and fix me up. I do not think it is too bizarre to introduce one's boyfriend to other people you socialize with...is it? I would prefer to date someone that would feel comfortable in joining me whenever I meet my friends for a drink. I often try to include anyone I am dating in my life as much as I can.
I just can't seem to do that with this one guy, though.
Try going out with one of his fixups and see how he acts. If it continues then you've got a problem with your "friend".
fxdl... Lowrider?
I am not interested in dating him or any of his friends. They are good conversationalists, but they don't ride. Yeah, fxdl is the lowrider. Softails are good too...I was riding an FXSTC earlier today.
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:54:07 PM | Simplistically speaking:
FeFe, your "drinking bud" really DOES see you as more than just a drinking bud...he has developed feelings for you...he just won't admit it. Why? What's the one classic reason most people won't ask someone out: FEAR of rejection. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:09:21 PM |
Fefe, May I suggest you ask him out on a date? Be specific about it. Make sure he understands what it is you want to talk about. Clear the air. Are you willing to see him that way? It seems he's already there with you, just won't admit it.
Or maybe next time, yeah, I like this idea better...next time you meet for drinks, forget the "air kiss". Plant a great big wet one on him.Squeeze his tooshie. You get the idea? See how he handles the way you "always act around" him. Let us know how it goes.
No can do...I like chatting with him over a beer...discussing work, politics, hunting, cars, relationships with others, etc...but I do not want to date him. Maybe that's why it seems so weird when he does drape an arm around me. There just isn't an attraction there. Don't get me wrong...he is a great guy for someone--he's tall and decent looking, makes good money, and is well educated and intelligent--but, he's one of those guys that looks good on paper, but in reality, it just wouldn't work. No chemistry. None whatsoever. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:45:47 PM | Hey Sue!!
I am not interested in dating him or any of his friends.
hmmmm... *puff, puff, sip*... Considering his denials of his behavior... (vehement denials?)... you've definately got a problem on your hands if you want to stay friends with him and have any boyfriends....
If he's trying to "help" he wouldn't deny it and he would stop on request... if he's a real friend.
If he's unconciously sabotaging to maintain status quo and keep you from drifting away... he's not that great a friend anyway... (I've had "friends" like that)
If he does really want you and is in denial... he can't stop acting like that until he exits denial... how do make somebody do that?
... tequila and a headlock...
hmph... from here it looks like your "friend" is jacking up your personal life and if you don't want him then does his motivation matter?
If you can't make him see his behavior and change to maintain your friendship, then you'll just have to seperate yourself from him... | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:47:51 PM | | Ye ole double standard. Do as I say and not as I do. He doesn't want you to be as unavailable to him as he is to you when he has a girlfriend. He wants you to be available to him when he doesn't have a girlfriend. Grossly self centered as well as immature and insecure. I'm sure he's a lot of fun as long as he is the center of your attention. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:05:34 PM | -I don't think your buddy is hot for you.
-I don't think your buddy is grossy self-centered, or insecure, or enacting a double standard, or anything of the kind.
-I don't think your buddy realizes that his behaviour changes when you introduce a boyfriend into the old routine.
-I do think that the way in which you've analysed this situation suggests that you might have a latent crush on your buddy. (I don't think that necessarily means you want to act on it, or that you write his name in loopy letters framed by hearts.)
I've seen cousins and brothers act in just the way your friend does when their cousins/sisters introduce boyfriends. I think it's partly an unconscious territorial behaviour; it's not to say "this is mine," so much as to say "I was here first." It's probably partly protective as well. It could also be just this guy is touching you so much to show that he approves of you, and to demonstrate, in a subtle way, that he agrees with this new guy that you're a worthwhile woman.
I've noticed that most friend-guys who harbour secret crushes on their female friends behave very differently when a boyfriend is introduced. They tend to recede and become less touchy; sometimes they even distance themselves from the friendship entirely for the duration of the women's relationships. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:05:55 PM |
nope, I dont think so. What he IS doing is being possessive...
Yup, if you find another guy he knows he may eventually lose you - or at least some of your time. | |
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| Is it a possessive move?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:49:45 PM | | you are also bring a person into the drinking group and he does not want him there. when i gout drinking with my friends i dont want them to bring there BF/GF all the time. its like me and Rose going for our Lunch dates. just her and I. no one else, we dont bring anyone in, her friends know that and so do mine. so it could be just that. maybe take your guy out and ask your friend to come. so your setting the ground rules. | |
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