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 CountryGent4You
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 1
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recently widowedPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am interested in hearing what advice they would give a recent widower as to how soon they feel is too soon. I know what the research says and that everybody grieves differently. Just want a neutral outsiders point of view.
 jasmine26
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 2
recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:20:00 AM
first off, i'm so sorry to hear this, it's always awful to lose someone close.
i would tell you to build friendships first, then see what happens and how you're feeling.stepping inot something too soon can backfire and that goes for any loss of relationship...best of luck to you!
 mary1028
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 3
recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:30:08 AM
Unfortunately, I have a point of view based upon experience. I was widowed eight years ago, at the age of 42. I can truly say that I wasn't ready emotionally until this past year. Felt I was "cheating" or being disrespectful to my husband. There's no formula, you just have to go with your feelings at the time. You may feel really positive one day, and then withdraw the next. Doesn't matter how others feel about what is too soon. It's not their reality. It's a rollercoaster, though, so don't feel like a failure if you take two steps forward and one back. There's no right way or right time, just experience the emotions that you need to in order to move forward. Only at that point will you be able to have a healthy relationship.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:39:01 AM
You have really answered your own question unless you are looking for people with your specific experience, and that will be impossible too. Even if you find others with marriages of similar duration that lost a spouse, the quality of the marriages will differ, etc.

If you are asking this because you are thinking of putting your toe in the water, you can talk to people and be honest with them, tell them that you are not sure you are ready, you want to date and take things slowly. If it feels okay then you can continue if not, wait a bit longer.

I would assume that it will take you more than a year because you were married a long time but if your wife had an illness, it is possible that some working through things was done before she passed. That is why no one can help you very much with this. If you know what grief "stage" you are in, that can also be a guide.
 hevgem
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 5
recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:44:45 AM
My heart goes out to you ridster.
My husband passed away 8 years ago and guess part of me grieves for him every day.
You and only you will know when it is too soon or when the time is right. It will happen (took me bout 10 months before i was even interested in looking at another guy) dont rush it.


take care
 littlvic
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 6
recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:11:31 AM
Hi,
Im so sorry to hear of your loss. I, too am a widow. My husband passed away at age 32, nearly 5 years ago now. We have three beautiful daughters.
I feel there is no answer to your question as everyone feels differently about the subject of finding another love, friend, date etc.... Its about how you feel. Loosing your partner in life isnt easy and it made me feel lost. I needed someone in my life. I just lost my sense of connection and didnt want to loose my confidence in the process. So I started talking to someone I met online about 10 months later and then onto the phone at night and then met later on. I felt guilty, i felt lousy but at the same time felt connected and worthy again of being a woman of 38 yrs of age. Im not a person who wants to go through life alone. I never was.
It didnt please afew of my "so-called" girlfriends. It didnt please my mother in-law, but it was all about me. And as selfish as that sounded, it was the truth and still is.
I cannot tell you to go for it and I cant tell you to not, but I can tell you to go with your heart and the way you feel. Make "you" happy..... Its the rest of your life, not anyone elses.
Vicki xxx
 mmmnicky
Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 7
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recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:51:54 PM
thats up to u, mostly i would say get ur head sorted before u hurt someone else, with the 'ohhhh didn't realise i wasnt ready, im so sorry' line.. make sure ur ready
 rws123
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 8
recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:56:42 PM
It took me two years before i was normal again.If you really love someone it takes time.
 whothehellknows
Joined: 7/23/2006
Msg: 9
recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:58:45 PM
First let me say I am sorry for the loss. I don't want to come off as sounding harsh or disrespectful, but some advice is just rather blunt...

When should you start dating again... When you can go out, have a nice time and the topic of your wife NOT be the main subject. Nothing will ever change your feelings and the past, but anyone new probably doesn't want to feel like they are the rebound person or playing therapist. It will always come up, but how much of the conversation should it be? A few minutes is fine, all night really isn't fair to the other person.

I have never dated a widow, but I have had several bad experiences with recently divorced people. All they talk about is their former life, and while I can respect that, I don't date people to play therapist. Not talking bad about their feelings or the very human need to express those feelings or the need for companionship... but it really is unfair to inflict that upon a unsuspecting person who is looking just to date. Those deeper, more intimate conversations can come later.

So when you can go out with someone new and generally have a nice time without talking about your wife all night, then that may be the time. Keywords: All Night. And start slow, take your time and hopefully things will work out.
 whothehellknows
Joined: 7/23/2006
Msg: 10
recently widowed
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:01:49 PM

It didn't please afew of my "so-called" girlfriends. It didn't please my mother in-law, but it was all about me. And as selfish as that sounded, it was the truth and still is.


Their opinion would not even matter to me if I were in that situation. It might have raised some eyebrows if it was very shortly after the loss, but years? I would tell them to mind their own damn business.
 TrueBlues59
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 11
recently widowed
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:21:18 PM
I've been a widower for 27 months now. It's really hard to tell how "ready" I am.

I know I'm ready for hugs and holding hands and things, but I have no idea how I'd act if we were to get intimate. My wife and I were 1000% committed to each other. She knew for a fact that she'd never have to worry about me "cheating" on her and I felt the same way... so, I'm having to come to terms with... when does the feeling of "cheating" go away... or at least get to the point I'd feel Ok with being intimate with another lady.

I know I'm "picky" when it comes to the wording of our wedding vows... but, we said "as long as you both shall live" and not "until death do you part".

Somehow, that "as long as you both shall live" stuff just keeps ringing in my ears.

But... the only person on earth who can say you're ready is you.
 Abscynthe
Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 12
recently widowed
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:39:17 PM
I have been a Widow since I was 31.... I just thought it safe now to test the waters after over 3 years .... I honestly think you are the only one that can answer your own question sweetheart and I am really sorry that you even have to consider this question in the 1st place.... All I can say is follow your heart and listen to your gut... Best of luck and happy fishing
 wildcherrie_20
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 13
recently widowed
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:44:29 AM
Just read what you wrote you said it took you 10 months before you were interested in a nother guy ;How and why so early? You didn;t even have time to grived good ;My husband died 5 years ago ,And i;m just now getting where i can even chat on this computer with a man ;There;s no way i could direspect my husband in that way;I guess every body is different.But if you truelly love you mate you will wait till you can least get over the pain,Now that just me ;Cherrie.
 wildcherrie_20
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 14
recently widowed
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:57:54 AM
I don;t think you should rush into any thing .I think you should take all the time in the world and remember all the good time with the bad time .It is a hard thing to lose is your mate. But yes every one grived differly ,But by jumping in to a relastionship to fast can back fire on you .No body can take the place of your love one ;Just take plenty of alone time .Then go to her when you think the time is right and say every thing you need to say and let her rest in peace then try to move on .My husband died 5 years ago and i am still griveing .I 'm just now starting to let go .Statting with chatting on the computer .But it does get lonely to be alone .But i;m hoping one day i will meet some one and have that kind of love again .I guess you will know when its right ,I don;t really know ,I have had these walls up for 5 years.But that was my choise. Now i am ready to find love again.I am very sorry for your lose. Cherrie.
 wildcherrie_20
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 15
recently widowed
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:04:02 AM
This is to rws123 I adgreed with you 100% If you really love your husband or wife it does take alot of time to get over the lost of a love one ; Look how many years you were together, How can some one just jump in bed with some one in 10 months.?That doesn;t make sense to me .But yes i adgreed with what you said ;IF YOU REALLY LOVE SOME ONE IT TAKE TIME [PLENTY OF TIME]. CHERRIE.
 iamapialso
Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 16
recently widowed
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:25:34 AM
Been almost 3 years now and still the loss hasn't sit in completely. Oh sure I've met a few nice ladies that I've talked to and have a lot in common, but it's not the same. I think that it's strange that a person that HAS NOT been married nor had such a close relationship with another as to have children with someone who you love so deeply, would even reply to this thread.
How could that person know the deep loss to ones soul? It's like asking a person how their own death feels. So many mixed emotions, depression, anger at yourself, anger at them for leaving you, fear, thoughts of suicide,and on and on. Only those who have lost that SPECIAL person would every understand the feeling.
 pretty moon
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 17
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recently widowed
Posted: 8/13/2008 6:15:46 AM
I think there a lot of variables involved in knowing when your ready. Only you know when you can freely give your heart to another. If your not ready to do that then at least be honest with whoever you are dating.

We all have that need for closeness, and I think thats what we miss the most when a spouse is gone. But, closenessw and intimacy are two different things and soetimes they dont both come at the the same time.

If you had a good relationship ask yourself if your deceased spouse would not wish for you to seek happiness. I am sure if someone loved you they would want that for you. Honor and respect your deceased spouse but not to the exclusion of living your own life. Focus for awhile on the good you brought to each other and not the death of the spouse. Would you not want him/her to be happy if you were gone?

You will know when thetime is right for you.


PEACE
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 18
recently widowed
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:31:48 AM
Please accept my condolences for your loss. Losing a spouse is a devastating event. No one can tell you how soon is too soon. It is different for everyone.

When my husband passed away, it was a year before I could even contemplate dating again. I was no where near ready to begin dating but I missed my husband so badly that I wanted to fill the emptiness, and it didn't much matter with whom. I immediately got involved in two subsequent relationships out of sheer loneliness. It then took another year of 'getting my head together' before I was truly ready to date without it being a rebound situation.

I've heard that men who were happily married, and then widowed, have a tendency to start dating and remarry quicker than women in the same situation. Only you know whether you are truly ready to start dating again or if you are just trying to fill the emptiness. You need to examine your feelings. Are you trying to find a replacement for your late wife because you are so lonely? If so, I would recommend waiting until the loneliness abates, and it will. It just takes time. Rebound relationships are notorious for causing emotional pain for both parties, especially the unsuspecting other person. Good luck to you.
 FishOwl
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 19
recently widowed
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:19:55 AM
My wife died about 22 months ago and we were severely in love so I know the pain and I give to all in similar circumstances all my condolences.

BUT...

She is dead. As much as we loved each other, she is now a part of my past and will always be a cherished part.

BUT...

I can't live in the past. She is a memory, a fond memory to be sure, but any current interest will be exactly that. Current, and hopefully future. We had discussed many times what we would like to have the other do as the result of the unwanted death of the other.

We had discussed this often and decided that the past need not be forgotten, but that the living must live. If that includes finding another to share bonding, friendship and love then do it. It is, with no hesitation, what I would have wanted her to do had the situations been reversed. To attempt to live in the past, constantly to be thinking of what is gone and to be continually grieving is a receipe for disaster, loneliness and heartache. No loving partner could possibly wish that for the other.

There is only one person who can tell you definitively when you are ready and you are living in that person's body.

Remember but go forward, it is not a betrayal.

Please, be well.
 jovinman
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 20
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recently widowed
Posted: 8/14/2008 6:08:15 PM
Some may think it isn't the same, but I lost my life partner six months ago. We were together for eight years, and planned on spending our lives together. We talked about growing old together. He died instantly from a massive heart attack. He was healthy, and it was such a shock. He was only 42. It's been so difficult. I think I'm doing fine, and then I'm breaking down. I have went out a few times to try to have fun, and end up feeling so guilty. Feels like I need to always be greiving...make sense? My heart just goes out to everyone who has lost a love of their life. Take care everyone, as shall I.
 DoUCanoe
Joined: 7/28/2007
Msg: 21
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recently widowed
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:54:32 AM
Sorry for your loss.

I won't try to tell you when is long enough, that only you can decide. From my perspective and I lost my wife June of 07, I'd be with her today loving and sharing our life if she hadn't died but my life didn't end with her death nor my love for her and the joy she had giving me over our twenty years together are sweet memories that shall always be mine. The practical side is that life goes on and I can go forward or try to hold on to what is no longer mine to hold.
I've decided to write a new chapter in my life...........
 fire53167
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 22
recently widowed
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:38:30 AM

If you know what grief "stage" you are in, that can also be a guide.


The stages of grief don't happen 'in order' nor do they happen and they're over. It will ebb and flow (as does everything) and only you will know when you're ready to let someone else into your life and heart. Beyond everything else, I am quite sure that her only wish is your happiness so try to stave off the feelings of guilt.

Peace and serenity be with you!
 jonibgood
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 23
recently widowed
Posted: 8/27/2008 4:25:22 PM
It's up to the individual who has lost their partner to decide what's right for them.

It took me over a year just to entertain the idea of looking, even though I knew as soon as he died that I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

My preference is: take it slow. I spent my dream-building, family-building, acquisition stage with my husband; I needed to figure out what MY dreams of the future are about before I look for someone to share it with. It's not the same kind of person I was looking for when I found my last one!

I'm still making adjustments to what I'm looking for in a mate, companion, partner, friend to spend the next 30 - 40 - 50 years with. I figure: when it's right, I'll know it!
 jonesdh
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 24
recently widowed
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:25:43 PM
I really can't answer you, as my wife passed away in May this year but, I feel that when it feels right, it will be right. At the moment I even feel guilty having fun but, as we only moved to this area in February I am having to force myself to make the effort and stomach the guilt. I do know that I will make new friends and have already met two from PoF who I hope will continue to be good friends. As for deeper relationships only time will tell when I am ready for that but currently as I feel guilty just having fun, your guess is as good as mine!
 jovinman
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 25
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recently widowed
Posted: 11/26/2008 2:56:08 AM
Still trying here.. Not getting easier. With the holidays approaching, I know I have to be strong. At least I am very close to his family and mine. I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Take care, and try to stay strong!!
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