| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:12:45 AM | Yes, I'm back and I expect to be grilled over the coals by you guys but just wanted to let you know what's going on now.
Today is Mother's Day and as you know me and my girlfriend live together. She's got two sons and I have a daughter. We don't share any kids together. Ok, I got up this morning and texted my daughter's mom and another best friend of mine who had my 15 year old god-daughter (who by the way calls me daddy) and told them both Happy Mother's Day. When one of them replied a few minutes later my girlfriend questioned who was texting me. I then told her to her face "Happy Mother's Day." She got mad that I had texted someone else before I told her. Ok, I hadn't even called my own mom yet but she was mad because she said that she deserved to be first because she woke up with me. My own daughter's mom and my god-daughter's mom are special to me too but they only got a text. She did get a face to face greeting. Granted she may have been third but she was put before my own mom. Am I a jerk for not telling my girlfriend first according to her? Again, we don't share kids.
My girl friend told me she feels like an after thought. I called my mom this morning and told her happy mother's day and she laughed when I told her about my girl. She said that my dad brought the newspaper in, got dressed and left the house and still hasn't said it but she wasn't mad because it's not that important what order you hear it but that you hear it at some point. My sister said the same thing. My brother-in-law still hasn't said it but she was not mad. It's not like I didn't tell my girl happy mother's day at all but that I told her third. Help me out here. 30 minutes later she's still yelling and complaining to me about what she does around the house and this is how she gets treated. Again, we don't have any kids together. My daughter's mom had my only child. My best friend of 20 years had my 15 year old god-daughter but because I chose to put them first over someone I'm dating and living with I'm wrong. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:25:41 AM | Thats just petty and childish on her part. Perhaps you wanted to get this out of the way....in turn, spending all of Mother's Day IN PERSON with her.  | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:30:56 AM | | No, this was not the first time we saw each other but it was the first time we spoke. The thing is this. She gets nervous when I text or get a texct from anyone. She can text all day long and I could care less because that's her phone. No, I didn't tell her the first time I saw her but I did say it within a few minutes of us getting up. It's not like I waited all day then before we went to bed I said it. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:32:15 AM | Having read this I now realise, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that some men are clueless in relationships.
This is classic passive aggression. If your girlfriend reacted like this it's because she feels the need to compete with your ex. You may not realise it but you must act in such a way that she knows that even though she is your girlfriend, the mother of your child comes first.
There is some latent hostility there that has boiled over. You think it's over something inconsequential and that's why this is passive aggressive. Her anger is not entirely about this situation but, rather, at how you make it very clear your priority is your ex.
Now, I know they're are going to be people who are too stupid to distinguish the children from the ex so let me clarify for those people waiting in the wings to flame.
Your child is certainly your priority. Your daughter will always be important in your life, no one can argue with that. By extension, the mother of your child will remain in your life but, it must be made very clear, through word and deed, that she is just that. The mother of your child and your girlfriend is your significant other and the woman you love.
I am sure you thought of the reverse of this situation and thought to yourself, it wouldn't bother me if it was Father's Day and she texted her ex before me. Well if it truly wouldn't bother you it's because she makes it very, very clear that you are her man and her ex is just the father of her child.
As for you're mother. She doesn't particularly care what order it happened in because she's not your girlfriend. But believe you me.... she would not be so Laissez faire about the whole thing if you had called say, your mother in law, before you called her. She'd be fuming just the same as your current girlfriend.
Edit: Re: Message 4
You guys wake up and don’t even speak to each other??
No, this was not the first time we saw each other but it was the first time we spoke.
So essentially, what you did was wake up, ignore your girlfriend, grab your phone, text your ex and another friend, and when she queried who you’re texting you look at her, sniff, say "oh you're up... happy Mother’s Day, or you know.... whatever, I don't really care".
Now I know you didn't say all that but I've verbalised the body language.
NB: I'm not using this site to date so I don't feel the need to protect my image by lying and pretending to be the best girlfriend in waiting ever just in case a potential suitor sees my forum posts. So take all the "wow, you're so right OP" posts with a pinch of salt.
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:35:22 AM | 1. She's looking to pick a fight.
2. She has a ton of insecurity.
You can't fix either one of those things. Let her know your intention is to have fun today, preferably with her, but if she wants to be snippy, you'll do it without her. Mother's Day is not a free pass on acting rational.
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:36:13 AM | I'm sure it's not all about the saying Happy Mother's Day. If a woman is secure, feels loved and appreciated she doesn't get wigged out by little things like this.
Instead of worrying about "who is wrong" maybe look at the rest of your relationship and see how you might be contributing to her feelings of insecurity... and if you're not at all, then why are you with her? | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:37:53 AM | I think there are more important things to be upset about, they say to pick your fights, I think she sounds somewhat insecure to be honest and I totally agree with your mum, its not as tho you sent the other ladies flowers (or did you Mr ;0\ Sorry, but your mum said it in a nutshell | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:41:59 AM | | I think Phoenix has nailed the issue quite nicely. OP - you keep coming back and posting your ongoing saga/drama with your live in girlfriend. Read and reread Phoenix's post - the underlying issue is the lack of boundaries in your relationships, which leaves your g/f feeling like a "convenience/afterthought". Define who your current SO is and act accordingly. Your words to your g/f may say one thing but if your actions deviate from your words, you're fvcked. Good luck! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:47:48 AM | | Her getting angry over this is really petty, its something else. She wanted to be the first told and has flown off the handle about it. She is upset about something. Maybe she has been playing second fiddle to everything else and feels neglected in the appreciation department. This may have just been the thing to let her vent her feelings, but not say what it is. She may not even know what it really is, she is a woman. Forget your pride and the principle of the argument and just do something to make her happy. Do you want to win an arguement, or have an unforgtable mothers day. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:53:00 AM |
The mother of your child and your girlfriend is your significant other and the woman you love
Huh?
Your girlfriend is having issues about her priority in your life. You are sending her mixed messages and not being consistent.
Children come first, partner is second...no questions, no dilemmas...no, I begat this child with that woman......period.
If you'd like a speech on how you might be taking her for granted, just let me know. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:54:03 AM | I think she's being incredibly petty. Was this an expressed condition of the relationship that you knew about before - that you had to wish her happy mother's day first? Furthermore, she's not your mother...which is what mother's day is really for, I thought....to honor our own mothers primarily.
If your relationship is important to you, and if she realizes it is important to her, I would sincerely request you both sit down when she calms down and without finding fault or blame, discuss what is really going on since she has used this to vent all she is unhappy about. I wonder if it's more to do with how her children treat her or have treated her (or how their father did) and she's projecting that onto you. Regardless, she needs to find what really is the basic origin and reason for her reaction, and you can still both agree to use this as an opportunity to heal what is wrong.... for something really is if this incident is resulting in so much anger in her.
I also wonder why are you on a dating site forum on mother's day posting us this issue? Now that might be something that might warrant some unhappiness on her part.
p.s. an afterthought - why don't you both agree to stop texting other people and only text each other for awhile? | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:08:35 AM | | I think you probably showed her where your priorities were when you got up this morning. As an aside, if I were her I'd have a major problem with you discussing this already with your mother, with your sister and posting it on the forums. It's only 10 a.m. right now where I live! I think there are probably other issues here. I hope she has a better Mother's Day the rest of the day. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:17:35 AM | OP, you keep reiterating that you don't have kids together. What does this have to do with how your lady feels? I get the feeling you are justifying your behavior somehow. Do you care for her or not?
From what I've read in the past from your posts, there is tension between the two of you, and unresolved issues. If not on your part, clearly on her part. She's having a difficult time and the two of you are not resolving what is going on. You continue with petty arguments rather than getting to the heart of things.
With all your defensiveness I can't really say that this woman is feeling wanted, loved, cherished, needed, cared for, or secure about your future together.
I'll use a Dr. Phil analogy .... GET REAL WITH HER.
And stop using this board to guide your behavior. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:21:10 AM | Well, of course, she's insecure. She's insecure at least partly because after 6 years together & 3 of them living together, OP still refers to their relationship as "dating" doesn't consider them to be a family.
Yes, this is petty & whiny of her, it's also OP reaping what he sowed. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:47:28 AM | ^^^^^^^ Absolutely str8ahd!!
What I can't understand is waking up with someone you love, puttering around the house for a bit and neither of you has at least said good morning to each other... let alone wishing her a Happy Mothers Day (or her wishing you a Happy Fathers Day/Happy Birthday/Happy Valentines Day... etc)..... *shakes her head*..... I just don't get it.
When I'm in a relationship, as soon as I open my eyes I will greet my SO.... even if I'm grumpy.... especially on a celebratory day.
I agree that she is blowing this out of proportion, but the separation between the two of you that you keep mentioning (her kids/my kids.... dating) is bound to have a negative effect on both of you. Your actions and words are not condusive to fostering a strong bond. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:05:06 AM | Sounds like it's more than Mother's Day in your relationship. I don't know how long you've been living with your GF, but if it's been a couple of years, does she want more of a committment than what you're willing to give her? There's a lot of insecurity in this relationship and the texting is just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect there's other reasons why she feels like the "afterthought".
If your child is young, I'd expect in most cases (not all) that your child would come first. Your ex will always be a part of your life because you have a common bond - your child. It sounds like your GF has a hard time realizing that. She's going to have to understand that your ex will be in your life. At the same token, your deeds, actions, and words, should convey to your GF that you love her and that she is valued for being the love of your life. Sounds like the 2 of you need to talk and figure out what you BOTH want in this relationship and where you want it to go. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:13:28 AM | OP:
- you said that she gets nervous when you get a text from anyone else
- she is still going on about it later and yelling at you. Making you feel quilty.
OP this seems to me like a drama queen situation. (from your side of the story) She is looking for a fight. I don't think it has anything to do with the text messages before telling her "happy mothers day" If she does this kind of drama stuff often she could be verbally abusive she is trying to make you feel quilty for something so minor making it into a big thing. Does she yell at you about this in front of the kids?
On the other hand, if this is a situation where you are constantly putting your baby's momma in front of her, or making it seem you are keeping secrets from your gf then I would agreee with her. (not the yelling, i hate yelling) As your gf she would need to know where she stands and needs you to show her that she is a priority. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:19:28 AM | Op, after going back and reading your previous posts on this relationship, to refresh my memory, my only advice to you is that you both need to get out of this relationship....like yesterday.
Neither of you seem to be able to give the other what they need. And I am sorry, but your gf is insecure. Maybe you have given her cause, maybe not. Regardless of the mistakes you have both made, you both need to move on without each other. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:24:48 AM | | OMG...all you women who think that you can be in a committed relationship without the benefit of marriage, read this guy's previous posts! Marriage is just a piece of paper, right? Means nothing, right? Wow. Just wow. This OP has been "dating" SO for 6 years, and living together for 3. He is puzzled because she "seems to think that they are a blended family" just because of those little details. He thinks his family should not feel any particular tie to her children because, after all, they are "just dating" and they "could break up tomorrow". Of course, they probably won't because this dude has it all his own way...he is quick to point out that 90 per cent of the stuff in the house is HIS, and mentioned about twelve times that they are NOT MARRIED, and NO his state does NOT recognize common law marriage. This discussion was started by the OP because his girlfriend was angry that he did not wish her happy mother's day first, as in before calling baby's mama, and goddaughter's mama. Several posters have indicated that gf has insecurities ----YOU THINK? Why the hell wouldn't she, when the man she has chosen to share her life with feels this way about her, her children, and her status in his family. She has no status. Why? Because she is not his wife...and probably never will be, if his posts are anything to go by. She is just a loving girlfriend. Whether she has issues or not , or is not perfect, is besides the point. OP, you should let her go, and find someone who will commit to her, and maybe not even refer to himself as "single dad" when they have been together for six years and living as a family for three. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:31:23 AM | I'm sorry I don't get it...you're not her child!!!!  ...while it's nice to hear Happy Mother's Day from others including a boyfriend or husband... I never made a big deal out of it with any of my X 's because they aren't my children...
I really don't get when people get all bent out of shape about one day...so many other issues are far more important when it comes to relationships, children and life then fussing over 3 words being said...
I'd much rather have you treat me well 365 days a year than just say something once a year...but that's me...
Oh and by the sounds of it, seems there are deeper issues than just this...you might want to consider if all the drama is worth it and what the heck is it doing to the kids? | |
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