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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:13:26 PM | Out of the 20 years ,10 years we slept in separate beds, I have 3 sons and a daughter, the youngest one is 11. I don't want to lie to ppl when i meet them about my marital status, but i'm afraid of a change, life was rough to me and i've been married longer than i was single. I still look the bomb and have a restless mind, very compassionate and yet realistic. I didn't considered a divorce before, being a christian and hoping that we'll work things out, though i have always loved my husband rather as a difficult child but not a real man and equal companion. (His years of drinking and depression contributed to that.) I know it sounds bogus, i'm conflicted. I never wanted to brake our family, or being poor most of my life, having finally established some financial stability, loose it now for something unknown. I can be a very good friend and i hate insincerity or manipulativeness. I know there are good ppl out there, but at the age of 39 i feel cheated out of half of my life and afraid that i won't meet mr. Right.
I prefer stronger ppl who dont like to compromise, wise and hardworking. Any ideas? Anyone in the same situation? Pls respond, I want to see that I am not alone! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:17:12 PM | | If you're having problems within your marriage and you're not feeling very fulfilled, do you really think it's wise to be here on a dating site? What good, really, can come from that? Maybe you'll say you're just here for the forums but geez, there's got to be dozens of "relationship forums" on the internet - well, there are. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:36:18 PM | agree - going on a dating site while still married is not a good idea.. You consider yoursel Christian, what happened with "do unto others?.." or rather don't do unto others something that you don't want to be done to you? Would you want your still husband to be frequenting dating sites?
Nobody "cheated" you out of anything (unless you were forcefully married to you husband). You made choices - every choice has a price whether you like it or not. where we are in life is a direct result of our choices. When you accept that, you will be more in control of your life. So make the wise choices now...
P.S. Just to let you know - there's no Mr. Right, you ought to know at your age. It's myth. Santa Claus isn't real either. Life is simpler and at the same time more complex than that. Are you yourself the ~right~ person, in a right state of mind to be able to attract into your life the ~right~ person for you? answer that question first...and all the rest will become clear. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:37:14 PM | very sad, very sad. I do believe there are people who are the right one....
I'd say just go through with it, just realize that even though you think you a hot item, dating is difficult, you'll have to learn a lot of new skills and be prepared for many disappointments. I would try to think things through and be realistic what type of man you think your going to be able to get and what you will settle for.
Its not worth living your whole life in misery if your not happy, lifes too short for that.
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:43:21 PM | I'm sure you are not alone....that doesn' t make it ok to be on a dating site. You have to either work on getting your marriage back on track or end it.
Get your husband the help he needs and then work on the family unit. Whether it be through counseling together or alone. Counseling may not save the marriage.....but it may save YOU.
He is sick, and you are an enabler and co-dependent. Work on yourself.
Remember you have no control over anyone else's feelings and actions but your own.
Good Luck | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:50:34 PM | I so agree with the above posts. The last place you want to be is on a dating site.
Maybe talk to your Minister or someone close to you but please deal with these issues before ever thinking of dating again or even taking some of our advice.
Even though you think you are here for the forums only. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:55:39 PM | As many of us here have, been there & done that (as far as exiting a long marriage/relationship). Not that it's any help to you to potentially join the crowd.
My only 'advice' is to know whether you can live on your own - with yourself. It's a far different world when you get to the point where being self-supporting and trusting yourself, and believing you are better off without another adult person in your life.
Be gut-wrenchingly honest with yourself. Know your talents, shortcomings. Don't concern yourself with dating/living with another man right now. YOU are the only person you will ever HAVE TO live with. Make that person the best you can  | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:11:36 PM | | I said i was a Christian, I never said i was a good Christian. I am not an enabler, I have always worked on getting my husband off his drinking habits and other ridiculous addictions for that matter, if anything i am more of a fighter, who doesn't like confrontations. Hope it makes sense. Too much efforts was invested in this relationship. I think I can handle myself, I am obviously on the dating site for a reason. I never experienced lack of attention, and interest of a random guy will not sweep me off my feet. I am looking for genuine person because I'm lonely. My teenage sons act disrespectfully to me thanks to their fathers complete indifference and I feel like I'm on the end of the rope. My sons started to smoke weed. they are 19 and 17. I am very much against it and that's why we are having problems especially right now. My family was everything to me, now i'm just feeling empty, as i said.......I understand that ppl are very prone to judgement, but hey, life has sense of humor. Just when you think that someone is being silly, the next thing you know - you're doing it yourself, exactly the same thing, right? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:37:33 PM | | Why not get the divorce? It would be the first step in getting your life back. My gut tells me that you are not happy about who you have become - and that will not change until you separate yourself from the root problem. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:46:49 PM | ^^^I think she pretty much hinted at why she's not leaving; she doesn't want to lose the financial stability. Helluva reason to stay in an empty marriage.
Finding someone on a dating site who's willing to get involved with a married woman isn't going to be the answer to your problems. If you need to find yourself, do it on your own. Get yourself some counseling to help make sense of things, for you. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
So you meet someone here, who charms you and tells you all the things you want to hear (things you've not heard from your husband) - then what? Where does that leave you? Sneaking around outside of your marriage and family? afternoons at the no-tell hotel? Why don't you deal with one mess before looking to go starting another. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:09:35 PM | Being proactive about your problems is always a good thing. Doing the same as before will buy you more of the same.
You have your 11 yro daughter to think of and the example of the children's father on your children - what are you going to do about the most important investment of your life? Go for some counselling, marital, family, financial, all of it.
Enrol in some courses and build your self esteem and job skills. If you have allowed dysfunction to operate this long, this badly, it is going to take considerable time and effort to reinstate your identity whether you stay or go.
Your husband may settle for a role as housemate, if you've had sepparate rooms for this long you are probably already in this role. At 39 you may be fortunate to meet a man your own age, but generally the men are lowering their age ranges of preference increasingly younger than their own as they age themselves. So if you are going to move, don't waste time or you will be saddled with a loser 10 or more years older going downhill fast and infected with all the stds you can name. It is really hard to trade up after age 35.
Generally life for a woman is considerably better alone than in marriage, you may be astonished at how much healthier and happier you will feel. Go on a holiday at his expense before you make your decision. Dating is pretty hard with children and whilst poor. It is your life, so decide to live it, for you. Your example, your decisions will be a benchmark to your children - so make them proud of you, let them see you get a backbone. The odds are the man who is staying by you, whilst sleeping alone, isn't really happy either.... That man who is our equal, he may as well be the Holy Grail, attempt to fix what you have before you throw him on the scrap heap. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:25:56 PM | Well, congrats on your divorce. I guess there are no classy ladies on that site, but you, whutznot2love. Everyone else is sneaking around and having wild animal sex in the hotels-motels. Shame on them.Umm...you're a nurse right? Good for you.
I have never spent much money on myself, having 4 kids (Duh!) Its rather hard to drop someone ,who you grew into and became one person. When I said I was poor, you prolly won't imagine the extend of it. Years of hard work and trying to stay afloat despite the odds....It took too much energy from me, which I'm afraid I don't have as much anymore.I'm just being honest. And...is there a reason why one woman should be unkind to another? I looked at your profile after your first reply and I thought you were keen, not a cruel self-righteous mediocre. Guess not. As far as things I haven't heard from my husband...it is not the case. *Jedem das Seine.* | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:38:57 PM | supertacu,
I don't understand why you're taking such great (and catty) offense to what I've written. It's really do different than what others have responded with. And yes, I guess if you want to critique my profile - yep, I did get divorced as opposed to staying with someone who made me miserable though coming up with all kinds of excuses for staying but looking elsewhere at the same time. And yes, I am a nurse. So? Life is all about choices is it not? You chose to marry young and have 4 children. I did not. So? This isn't about me, it's about you. You came here looking for input did you not?
So you don't want to leave the man you 'grew into one with' yet it's somehow okay to surf around on a dating site with the intention of finding someone else? Just how "one" is that? There are oodles of people on these sites who have had their lives devastated by a cheating partner/spouse and my heart goes out to them. I have a hard time finding sympathy for someone who's tooting her horn about how hot she is, how she's staying with a man who makes her miserable but she stays because of the money.....who sees looking outside of the marriage as a solution to her problems. Again - what happens if you meet someone, then what are you going to do? Then what do you do with your husband if you fall in love with someone new? If you think it's hard to leave now, imagine how torn you'll be then?
Life is about choices. If you want to leave, what stops you from slowly saving up some money so that you can get out on your own and onto your own 2 feet? Stop playing the victim. Did you post here so that everyone will pat you on the head and support you in your pursuit to stray or did you come here for our honest opinions? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:39:25 PM | | not sure if this is gonna help but its my 2 cents worth...............i was married for 12 years my husband was and ment eevything to me we had five beautiful kids together.......he drank heavily and was always depressed........at the age of 31 i felt helpless and worthless i was so scared to leave him be cos of finance and our kids..............but with my fmaily and ffriends i finally made the move to leave him........and stand on my own 2 feet and i am so glad i did hell i was so scared for the first few weeks mnths but i know now i made the right decision i am independant and full of confindence which i lacked dearly when i was married........im a single mum and i run my own bussiness im not rich financially but im so much richer and better off in my life.........have faith in urself believe anything cos in the end u can and will do it.............cheers | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:54:03 PM | | We only live once. I believe we all deserve to be happy, and I applaud your questioning your life and the desire to make changes. I have a few friends in very unhappy marriages, but they just persist, out of some sort of obligation. Some do this even when the partner cheats, drinks, and treats them badly. On the other hand, I assume you took a vow of "till death do us part" and it sounds like you take this vow very seriously, as you should. I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your husband and seek counseling to try and save the marriage. If this doesn't work, at least get a divorce before you start dating again. The fact that you are on here says you are considering an extramarital affair. I don't think that solution will make you happy. I think it will tear you apart because of your moral and religious beliefs. I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I think you will feel guilty on your own, and this will add to your unhappiness and confusion. If you want out, do the right thing, and best of luck to you. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:00:00 PM | supertacu...
You are not going to find much sympathy for yourself on here...
Most of us are singles on here wanting to meet that wonderful person that will be our partner for life.
If it is not married men on here whining, it's married women.
We all have had our hurts, bruises, loneliness, sadness, grief, and unbearable pain. What makes you think you are so different with your bag of garbage? At least we went the divorce route because the marriage failed. That is honourable. Being a Christian is a cop-out for you. If you were a true Christian you wouldn't be on here doing this. Can I have the name of your church so that I can send them this little letter of yours???
We had to take the risk of financial hardship, shouldering the responsibilities of kids and life ourselves.
You are extremely manipulative as only a whiny, woe is me, all about me type of woman who uses a man financially to stay in a marriage while looking for someone else to jump onto like a bloodsucking tick.
Grow up!!!!!
P.S. I would love to hear from your husband...his side. You are also a parent in this mess and your kids are screaming for help by their drug abuse. Where are you? Mooning on this site as a victim!!!!
I ought to report you. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:36:29 PM | wallflower and wutznot2love, you two are nutz. You made me smile. I can answer your question, w-flower, what makes me so special: i never would deliberately hurt anybody verbally or physically. No pun intended. My parents told me that there are two things that you cant change if you got 'em: kindness and laziness, if you you born with it, you die with it.
As far as this other topic goes, which i didn't intentionally start: being X-thian does not mean being judgemental and crude, believe it or not. And even though I am a mess right now, which you rightfully noticed, I'll still won't push anyone farther down when they're blue. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:40:24 PM | Go for couple counselling OP - from what I gather dating for ladies means a continuous stream of sleazeballs before finding 'Mr Right' and you may find yourself being demoralised even further.
Will your hubbie go with you? It's OK to feel cheated - but you need to get professional help in testing where your current relationship is really at before you go throwing it all away. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:51:34 PM | msg 16 & 17...
Geez some of you people here are judgmental. Read her original post again. Are you all saying you were never confused, scared, hurt and worse before you and your S.O decided to divorce??
Well I venture to say either you were the dumpees.. or you're full of it. She is simply at the stage of trying to figure it all out. She can be on this site all she wants! She hasn't committed any moral or any other type of crime, and you have her booked into a sleazy hotel already! Or maybe you're carrying baggage from being cheated on in your own prior relationships? Or maybe you just enjoy judging? Tuck the claws back in ladies  | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:03:07 PM | | Sorry ladies I'm going to take a different tack. It seems most of your respondents have decided to tar and feather you. That is not right, you are a human being as well as them. Life has not dealt you a great hand from what I read. Husband with drinking problem, no intamcy, children who don't respect or listen to you. Lastly just keeping your head above water financially. These issues would make a saint tear out the feathers from they're wings. If it is a replacement for intimacy you seek, there is always the "intimate encounter" catagory. There are many on here who are married who seek solace in anothers arms. Again you must look at the whole school of fish here. Many of us swim in the main body, we are the single fish. We are divorced or not yet married, but we comprise the main population. Just like any other animal grouping the strongest survive. But around the edge of the school exist the other groups . Players, marrieds, gays, and others. It is truly for YOU to decide what you do here. No one has walked a mile in your shoes, perhaps had a similar journey, but not in your shoes. Lessons learned in life or the forums tell us cheating can be painful in a variety of ways. You must decide what is best for you, a difficult choice. Also what you can live with in reguard to your own personal actions. Whatever happens I'm sorry to hear of your plight, I hope the decision you make is best for you. God bless and good luck in whatever that might be. My 2 cents , Bob | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:32:11 PM | Supertacu, Snakewhisper actually really stated things clearly.
I was married nine and a 1/2 yrs blended family, busted a hump to make it all work, my ex did what he wanted, and was never around when I needed anything. I worked so hard taking care of everything and worked a job and a half, that I ended up beyond sick.
My ex let his business fail, that he drug the family 100 miles from what felt like home to pursue his dream business, he got bored, spent most the money in strip clubs, drinking and gambling.
When he said why don't we just live with each other, and do our own thing, I had had enough... I was 36, and didn't see that life was going to get better, and with the business failed, the walls of financial security came crashing down with it....
Your kids, are probably just acting out the unhappiness that is already prevelant in the house... Honestly, it hasn't escaped their attention that there is a better way to escape, and heck why not get stoned, it dulls the senses to what is so insane.
We all have dreams, and expectations on how our family is going to be. However reality is it doesn't always work out that way. I have a 21 yr old that hasn't talked to me in a year and a half... she got bent because I suggested her do some study with me... It's mothers day, and the ache is so deep for me today, I can't stand it... Kids, you can kill yourself to make them happy, and they can still do what ever they feel...
I have to say, one sure fire way to really make a major mess of your life is to seek out male companionship... I waited til I was divorced, and it definitely made a difference.
The question you have to ask yourself, would you want your husband on a dating site looking for female companionship? Would you want your kids to think that is how to handle things when marriage is going south? If your spouse finds out, would the cost of a divorce be any less?
This is not judgment by me, this is something you have to consider for yourself, and something you have to ask if the price for a LITTLE attention worth it?
I don't have the answers to solving an empty marriage, and I can't say that the price of divorce is less than the price of staying miserable... People make choices all the time that don't make sense to others.
For me, it was a HUGE financial price tag, but the sanity I gained back from having the opportunity to find someone that could really fully love me was pricesless... Been divorced for 7 yrs, and can't say I have found him, but I am still 100% more happy than I was being married to someone that didn't think of me as more than a servant in his CASTLE...
It isn't bad advice to get counseling, so you can weigh your options... Perhaps you can breath new life into you marriage, but before you do something that you have to live a life time possibly regreting, consider the alternatives before stepping out side of your marriage.
Good luck | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:37:41 PM | HEY ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK YOUR ON THEBALL.. I KNOW WHAT THIS LADY IS GOING THREW. YOU HAVE TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT SHE HAS KIDS. AND AFTER BEING IN A MARRIAGE FOR SO LONG YOU FORGET HOW TO LIVE OUTSIDE OF IT! i was in the same position. you get so used to being in a marraige you look around and say what the hell happened. you seen the best year just dissapear and wonder if you still have it. am i as attractive as i once was. would there could there be somebody who can treat me like i was meant to be treated? questions that com eup. if you have never been in an abusive relationship or a dead one. don't presume to sit back and dish out advice that you have no clue what your talking about simply for the sake of having everyone look at you and notice you. don't forget opinions are like an ass.. everybody has one. some not as great as others and always full of shit!
supertacu don't let them get to you. some of us sypathize with you. some knwo what you are talking about. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:40:03 PM | | I did not want my Daughter to have Divorced parents, but today(May 11, ) being Divorced for 21, yrs, she ws 3...It was hard , for both of use...But she figured on her own, he was No good and was glad and proud I divorced him...She did not have brand name clothes, all the time,but she always had food, roof over her head, and her Mother...When she left for college in o4, UofMemphis, she said you always put me first and know it time for you to be first... You might have to have help(food stamps) but for the children you will to what you have to for them to have a safe, happy , home...Yes, we did not do alot of eating out,movie, but she remember , what we did together, not eating out...It hard but ,you can make it without a MAN.... | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:11:44 AM | Jesus, these women & their advice are lame. Marriages like the one you're in suck because people are not willing to maintain themselves. Get a divorce! Life's short! Pursue your own personal happiness! You made a mistake in getting involved with a dude who drinks. So don't make that mistake again. Join a gym, work on yourself, accentuate your "bombness"!  You're bound to attract a physically & mentally healthy specimen that loves you for you, lovey! Good Luck. | |
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