| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:52:10 AM | I am gonna try to make this a short as possible,.Its mothers day ,I am over at my parents hanging with the folks,I have my two kids with me 9 and 10 years.My mom, dad and my daughter gonna head out for a walk .I am going to stay at the house with my son ,we want to watch some tv and just chill.We just had lunch ,not gonna stay for dinner ,will head home soon,see my folks almost every day,all is cool.
My fiance ,we live together ,is out with his buddy helping with some shopping ,is totally cool ,no worries.He never really seems interested to go with me to folks house ,I ask, he says no.
My ex -husband shows up with flowers for my mom ,did not expect this ,he ends up heading out for a walk with mom ,dad and daughter.I didn't really see a problem.My ex and I married for 10 yrs,ended ,divorced.He has a relationship with my folks (both his parents are dead)I dont see this as a problem.It does not affect my relationship with them . Okay ,so the fiance sees that ex is over at house,calls me ,freaking out ,I try to explain ,,not a chance .Okay so the walking folks come back ,the ex heads home ,at this point I am kinda upset over fiances phone call,.. I go home ,the fiance wants me to leave,, says it is over,he told me I should have told my ex to '**** off',,...a little over the top? | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:58:07 AM | Yeh just a lil OTT, sounds a little insecure and possibly jealous that your ex has a past with your folks, which he isn't trying to solve by avoiding them. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:03:27 AM | All I can say now is at least you know this NOW before you married him. It can't get any better from this point on.
Surely he knows you have a past -- you have two kids, for cryin' out loud. I'd take this as a warning sign. And before you ask, people do not change. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:06:21 AM | Your fiancee (EX fiancee, I hope!) sounds like a controlling, insecure psycho. You are well rid of him.
Personally, I take it as a very good sign when ex-spouses are able to get along like that. If your EX fiancee has a problem with it, then too bad. What a jerk!!
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:09:08 AM | Sounds like a hothead, maybe a jealous hothead - NOT GOOD. When you say "I go home, the fiance..." Sounds like he is telling you the relationship is over [for him] because of THIS incident? Unless it is in his nature to blow up easily and you can and do accept that about him, sounds like you two need a serious discussion. He obviously does not understand that your X will always be your X and he also will ALWAYS be the father of your kids. He is not simply someone you can ignore and/or discard. Does not seem to want to "get involved" with your parents either? Do you expect that to change once HE puts a wedding band on?
And just who owns the home that you now reside in BTW? | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:39:57 AM | the house is in his name ,we bought it together, he owned previously, have been living together for 3 yrs.he makes more than me by a mile ,I pay what I can afford in the bills dept.Moneys I got from divorce bought most of the furniture and I payed off alot of his debt.I believe I pull my weight in the relationship ,with what I make.
and a thankyou for the responses to my post ,thankyou for the input | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:46:34 AM | YES a little over the top!!!
Obviously he's insecure. Cmon, i think its a great gesture that your ex has a relationship with your parents, not a lot of past relationships have that. Besides he will always be in your life, due the children. (im assuming he is the father of the children)
Im sorry to hear about your fiance acting the way he did. Better you find out now than later on....is there a way you can work things out?
I certainly hope so. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:57:29 AM | I don't understand - did your fiance' not know about the relationship you have with your ex or his relationship with your parents? And if not, why not? It sounds like he was totally unprepared for this as if it was a total suprise to him.
Also, how did he see the gathering of who turned up and took the walk? I think making your thread as short as you have seems to have left out some details that are valid.
Regarding his reaction, it does seem over-reactive for sure, but why is he acting like this? Do you not have any arrangements for your children to be with their father so this would not be the first time your fiance' realized he is still in your life?
Does he mean what he said that it's over? Did he explain why he feels so strongly about this? Has he told you he doesn't trust you or your ex? I keep wondering why. Do you know why he got so upset?
If you're looking for justification as to he is wrong to have reacted like that, perhaps yes, but you are also responsible for your life.....it seems like there has been some serious neglect in terms of communication and you're both paying the price now.
What are you going to do about this? If he is not capable of understanding you have a good relationship with your ex - and good for you!...I do too, but it seems rare, so your fiance' might just need to open his eyes and mind and heart to the fact that not all ex's are 'the enemy'.
Does your fiance' have children? If not, I still think he should be more understanding your ex is not just a man, but someone you are going to have contact with for the rest of your life.
Obviously trouble is brewing and it's up to you and your fiance' to use this incident as an opportunity to either heal what's wrong, or decide what you are prepared to each live with, or not.
By the way, why are you on a dating site posting here if you are engaged? (and why no mention of your engagement in your brief but visible profile?) | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:05:12 AM | A "little" over the top?! I would say A LOT OVER THE TOP! He has to remember that he was married to you for 10 years and that he established a relationship with your family. Just because you two divorced does not mean he is not welcome to visit.
Your fiance is insecure and a bit controlling. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:05:49 AM | Sounds like trouble in Paradise. Look, your fiance at some point will have to get use to family events where your ex will be attending them. Graduations, birthdays, weddings, etc. He's got to understand the ex will always be a part of your life because of your children. The positive thing that you've got going is you've got a good relationship with you ex, therefore your kids will benefit.
If the fiance can't understand, I'd rethink the marriage. Sounds like it's time to sit down and talk (not with the kids around). | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:24:50 AM | All I can say is that your fiancé was invited and declined, and according to he's done that more than once. He'd have known what was going on had he joined you, and he didn't - so in no way is that your fault. Your ex has every right to show up to your parents and see his kids - sounds totally innocent to me, and it happens in a lot of families.
I have a friend who's divorced but is VERY close still with her ex-mother in law to the extent that they spend a couple times a week together, and all holidays. Her ex husband doesn't bother with his own mother most of the time and has moved out of state, but always calls the house on holidays to talk to his kids while they are there for dinner/dessert. Her current fiancé also joins them for holidays and sometimes even brings his mother along. It's extremely healty and good for her kids, and since they are both very trusting of each other, there's no problem...because he chose to become a part of things.
When you don't want to be a part of things, and you have control/insecurity issues - that's what happens. Sounds like you may have dodged a bullet, OP. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:51:52 AM | Way way way over the top
My ex and I have not been together for 7 years and he still has a relationship with my parents. He was a member of the family for 12 years. Just because he and I did not work out does not mean my parents have to divorce him.
My ex's mother is certifiable and his father passed away when he was 14. My parents became his parents. If they had turned him away after we sperated I think I would have been upset with my parents. He and I have no children together and my son became his family as well. My son still calls my ex on fathers day every year. If a guy I am with has a problem with this then that is his problem and not mine. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:59:50 AM | Very much over the top.He doesn't want to visit your folks with you?Hmmm,I would say there are deeper issues here than meets the eye.Time to talk with him or re-evaluate the relationship?  | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:18:17 PM | Kick the fiancee to the curb. You and your ex are the parents of both children and there are relationships in place which existed before he came along.
If he does not want to be around your parents for special occasions, he will always be that way. These are the actions of someone who wants ownership and possession. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:36:26 PM | | Seems the fiance cant handle the fact you have a past. The ex-husband i assume is the father of your kids right? so there's two reasons for him to be in your life, another is the ex-husband parents are no longer alive, developed a relationship with your parents and everyone wants parents relationship, even if its not your biological parents... Your fiance just over reacted, saw what he wanted to see and i'm sure pretty insecure. You need to find someone who can accept your past, why the ex-husband is still in the picture... Good thing you found this out about your fiance before you got married. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:06:09 PM | If your ex is truly as virtuous as he seems, why not have your ex call your fiance and clear up this mess?
Personally, I find this whole situation troubling. But the only thing I can really take issue with, is your ex's unannounced visit to your parents home. And had your current boyfriend been there with you, I can only imagine how well that would have gone over ...
which leaves me to question your ex's true intent.
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:17:31 PM | 1st ,knows all about my ex,no surprises here
2nd, he drove by the house
3rd,ex and I have joint custody
why did he react the way he did ???hmmmmm
I think by the way he is reacting and with what everyone has written in respose to his behaviour it is becoming pretty obvious what I need to do.... | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:20:58 PM | | wow ,ownership and possession ,those words have really hit the mark ,you are totally correct | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:27:50 PM |
I think by the way he is reacting and with what everyone has written in respose to his behaviour it is becoming pretty obvious what I need to do....
Have a yard sale?
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:34:27 PM | | If he's that insecure it isn't going to work out anyway. Better to know this now than later. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:35:02 PM |
a little over the top? Ya think? ~tilts head~
Yes, this was more than over the top. More like over the top and plummeting down the other side at the speed of light. Unless there's something you haven't stated concerning other issues with your fiance about this.
Does he normally have this type of kneejerk reaction to situations?
This was very extreme. Asked you to leave? Yeah, I'd leave and not look back. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:37:51 PM | "Over the top"????
It's so much more than over the top. It's a great big red flag blowing and waving in the wind.
If he is upset because your ex, who you have no control over, has a relationship with your folks when he does not wish to visit with them, that is his problem. Don't make it your problem. His behavior is clearly not a good sign. You said that your ex's parents have passed and he has a good relationship with your folks. I don't see the problem here . . . I do so a problem with the fiance' though.
Sounds like there is more to this relationship than meets the eye.
good luck
~tb~ | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:39:57 PM | I dont blame him for getting upset.
If you found him with his ex you would get upset ! | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:52:54 PM |
I dont blame him for getting upset.
If you found him with his ex you would get upset !
You don't like to take in to consideration other circumstances? I'm assuming her ex is the father of her children, they get along (no drama), and he is close to her parents since his are dead. Her finance could have been there, he was invited but apparently doesn't have much interest in developing a relationship with her family since she mentioned he often doesn't like to go with her. It's not like the two of them were alone together, it's not like her finance wasn't invited. | |
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| The Ex shows up
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:21:24 PM | Your fiance is very childish and apparently has not had a real relationship before, because if he had, he would understand that after 10 years, your ex is still going to have an attachment to your family. You don't just throw all that away when you divorce. I still get along great with my ex husbands families.
Dude needs to grow up and if not, I hope you give him his walking papers. | |
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