| to trust or not
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:35:53 PM | | hello everyone i am looking for help. here is my situation. i met this great guy that lived in another town we dated for a while then i moved in with him. we then married. i had three children with me and he was not used to the kids he said they were the cause of our problems. it got to the point that i had to find other places for my kids to live to lessen the stress. i got hurt at work so being on work comp really hurt me financially. he always made comments like i didnt make enough and he felt like just a wallet. i never bought anything but the food we needed or gas for the car, and even though i did bring in some money he said i was not doing my part. i cleaned the house and did everything a housewife should do but it wasnt good enough. he said he still felt like i didnt love him even though we made love almost everynight. the sex was never a problem, it was our only good part. he said i was ignoring him when i was watching tv because i wasnt paying attention to him. see i had no friends and my world revolved around him and everything for him. i didnt have any outside activities. my time and attention was on him, but he still said it was not enough. he wanted me always touching him or makeing love to him and i started feeling smothered. sometimes i wanted to see my kids but he would get mad and say my life should be him not my kids. we are divorced now, i finally had enough and filed. the problem is that now he says we can fix this, that i was depressed from my injury. that he knows me better now and he promises that he will not say anything about not makeing enough money or me seeing my kids. he did say he wanted a month for just us, so i have to make sure my son is somewhere else for a while. we had been by ourselves for 8 months with kids only on some weekends. so do i get back with him???? or is he still trying to control me?? | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:53:21 PM | | Sweetie, I think you answered your own question. I believe any man that would make you chose between him and your kids is what worth your time or love. He sounds selffish and controlling. Pick up the pieces and get your kids back, before it is too late with them, they are prob. hurt and confused. I would never stay two minutes with a man that made me make that decision. Sorry but that is just my 2c. Good luck in whatever you do. | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:35:44 PM | | i didnt want to stay but i was trapped, my car and most my belongings were sold or given away when i moved in. he said the cars and stuff were his so if i left it was on my own with nothing, even in my divorce i got nothing, but to me it isnt worth fighting over as long as i got out. so i start over with nothing, and let me tell you it isnt easy i pray for a bed every day lol. thanks for the input it makes me feel better about my decisions | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:11:07 PM | pps.....cutting to the chase, email me so i can talk to you.....
back to topic.....i wouldn't ever go back with him. he's not worth losing your kids over a 2nd time. walk away from him and don't look back. | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:19:29 PM | | Run... he is controlling and manipulative. You've managed to get away from him, stay away at all costs. Good luck. | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:38:13 PM | | anyone who forces you to 'lose" your kids.... you need to read the abuser threads in broken hearts | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/14/2008 5:33:10 PM | | you can reach me at ppssnow@yahoo.com | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:47:34 AM | | Do`nt give it any more thought ,,, get as far away from him as possible and consentrate on your children !!!... they are the ones who need you now.... It just might be that later in life you may need them , as you have given up on all your older friends... | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:28:16 AM | | i have not given up on old friends, just dont have any. what is a friend??? i used to think they were ones you talk to maybe have lunch with or do things with every once in a while, most of my old "friends" were ones i knew only socially, not ones i really could get to know. then when i met my ex he would not let me stay in touch with any friends, he said i didnt need them, only him, especially if they were male friends. i never had any friends the whole time i was with him. i dont even know if i know how to make a friend anymore. oh well i am done worrying, people can like me for who i am or they can talk to someone else . LOL | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:53:13 PM | Don't look back and don't go back, don't even get involved in any sort of communication.
You will be fine in time just give it time and you will realize you are much better off. you were trapped and paralyzed by this and it was stopping you from being everything that you are, including a mother. you will make friends, ones that count and find a new person that is happy with themselves and not interested in controlling someone else. don't worry! you obviously have a roof over your head (and a computer hehe) so you will be fine. now you are learning what NOT to do, what to avoid.
My Mom gave up on my sister and I when she met her husband, she moved away from us and left us at my grandparents... when I was 17... It was really hard and to this day I wish she hadn't married this guy. Be a big person and take your kids back and HAVE FUN with them! They miss the old you that had fun and played and joked and laughed with them I guarantee it.
I have had the experience of someone who has been controlled emotionally in a relationship (though I did the controlling at times too), and someone who has lost a Mom to this sort of thing. It's a sickness to think that you owe someone all of your everything, with no room to be yourself to grow and be happy. Someone who loves you should support you, support your dreams and support your relationships with your family. | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:57:05 PM | repeat: do NOT get back with this person (in my opinion, learned by experience).
it will only be worse the next time. trust me. it gets worse every time, the behaviour, the heartbreak, the feeling worsens and worsens. I got back with my ex girlfriend too many times and the last time was so horrible. I wish I had resisted her wishes to get back with me... well I'm out for good now that's the important thing.
Just be glad you have your OWN children outside of this person so that you have no reason to have any more involvement with them.
It seems that you're still communicating with this person if you know they want to get back together with you. Stop. Let them know clearly that you don't wish for any more communication and then either block their email/number or just ignore it until it stops. | |
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| to trust or not
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:14:25 PM | Classic pattern of A-B-U-S-E.
Intense and fast at the beginning of the relationship. Very often the sex is great but not always.
Isolate.
Intimidate.
Humiliate.
Dominate.
"Nobody will ever love you the way I do, baby."
"I'm so sorry. It will never happen again, baby."
"I'm only doing/saying this because I love you, baby."
"Your friend [insert name] said [insert negative comments] about you. Nobody will ever love you the way I do, baby. I don't want you hanging around with them anymore."
"Your friend [insert name] is a bad influence on you, baby. I don't want you hanging around with them anymore."
"Your mother/your family don't care about you, baby. I don't want you hanging around with them anymore."
"I only want to know where you are every minute of the day because I love you, baby."
"Who were you with you f*cking wh*re." [This comes later to justify what starts out as slapping and what can escalate to murder.] Next day: "I'm so sorry. It will never happen again, baby."
"I can't live without you, baby."
"No matter where you go, I'll find you."
We might think that the use of the word "baby" is cute and tender and loving but it is used to depersonalize and devalue the person as a human being. The abuser won't even use the person's actual name. What conclusion would we come to if somebody called their dog "Puppy" all the time? Kind of generic, eh?
Email me and I can get you in touch with a women's shelter where they'll recite the same litany.
Fortunately, men like this are the exception, but they are almost irresistible to some women.
And yes, some men are abused just as badly by women, but there isn't a lot of help out there for them which makes it even worse. | |
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