| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:03:43 AM | Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
pint of beer or five, a pint of whisky on the weekend, you're even
around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-girl/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from
me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous.
I know a little penance for a previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B,bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor, fully clothed with a
jack daniels and coke on the side, the hangover should be minimal & in
no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Friday 3pm (pre -happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2.
Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3.
Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but
no I'm happily married. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. No Kebab's are
just not tasty enough Thank you! 4.no i think i will have just the one drink and be home at 11:00 Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh,
I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing . | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:11:56 AM | A related subject
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
HAVE A GREAT DAY! | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:18:29 AM | | coming from an ex alcaholic,that was funny and true. | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:51:01 AM | Five levels of drinking
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow .cool.
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!" | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:26:56 AM | To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, and in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shi t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:41:40 PM |
Remember: Water = Poop
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shi t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
my hero!! | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:37:52 PM | | Being divorced after almost 20 years of marriage to a husband that became an alchohlic--You forum made me laugh ---then cry!!! | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:40:36 PM | | You left me bawling!! My ex--I'm sure went thru what you described | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:10:08 PM | | Isn't this from Larry Miller? It's still funny, even after all these years! | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:43:32 PM | | Yup that's Larry Miller. That's a great bit too. | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:32:17 PM | Dunno who larry miller is, was sent to me by email  | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:35:01 AM | I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. | |
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| Dear alcohol.......
Posted: 5/20/2008 12:25:45 PM | | always put "drink a case of beer">on the top of your to do list,that way you will daily get at least one thing done. | |
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