|
|
|
|
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:07:02 AM | Hello,
I have a friend that was married to a man who was diagnosed with a debilitating disease many years ago. At first she was devoted to him and their children, she worked, looked after the children, kept them in sports and recreation and basically did most of the things that a single parent would do, except she also cared for her partner. The prognosis of the sickness was/is not known and after many, many years (double digits), she finally came to a conclusion that she needed more in her life and that she had to leave him or at least have something on the side.
As her friend, I understood her dilemma and supported her decision, while other friends did not, they judged her and condemmed her for deciding to leave and to top it off, her partner eventually decided to leave the matrimonial home and go into a centre that cared for people with the disease.
Now she regrets having told her partner (whose initial reaction was a terrible bout with depression).
Not only that, she is finding that she gets numerous invites out, but when potential new relationships begin to bud, very often, the man backs off and disappears when she tells him about her past with her husband.
Do you think this is a good reason for not wanting to be involved with someone? I don't understand how someone could judge a person this way, if they had not had the experience or witnessed the experience themselves, can anyone enlighten me (and ultimately her)? | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:17:59 AM | | I have to say that I admire your "friend" for her taking care of her family all those years. However? Did the lady in fact "leave" the marital home and her sick hubby? Or did he go into a home to be cared for instead of her leaving? If she wanted something on the side, wth happened to having a little "discretion"? Why did she feel compelled to tell her ailing spouse? Do you not think he had enough to deal with without being hurt that she was doing "stuff" elsewhere? I think that was terribly selfish on her part! And lastly, you ask why others would not wish to be involved? If this gal up and left her sick spouse after telling him she was going to "fool around", do you not think potential dates would think her "unfeeling,uncaring"? That perhaps the lady was callous and would treat them the same way? I am sorry. I truly do realize her situation. Surely would not be easy to live with. She could have continued on with maintainging her home, her hubby, and share some time with someone discreetly. I know of folks who are in the same position. They stay with their spouses and are honest and up front with those they choose to spend some time with. Sorry situation indeed! | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:32:22 AM | I think she felt that it was the moral thing to do to be honest. They were very close and really loved one another a great deal, she just couldn't continue without getting her needs met and she felt that being honest was the best thing to do. You are right, in retrospect I think she realised that she may have been able to do it differently, but would that have been fair to her, to her children, to the new partner?
She did not abandon her husband in the matromonial home, but stayed until he made the decision to leave.
She went through a lot of therapy, to come to the conclusion that she needed to tell her children and husband that she had to do what she had to do. I know when my father was sick and I cared for him ALONG with 3 other siblings, we had to come to a decision about whether or not we could care for him any longer as well. Why is that any different, I queery? | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:39:52 AM | Usually when someone discusses a complicated story involving a "friend," the subject of the plot is usually the storyteller. Otherwise, most people wouldn't go so far for a "friend" as to seek input or advice on the complicated matter. And, I would argue, they shouldn't be that involved in a friend's life.
I'd have an easier time answering your queery, if I thought you were being honest with me. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:43:07 AM | | Truely royalpain, this is about a friend, I am being honest and I was asked to put it out there. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:44:13 AM |
Why is that any different, I queery?
That is different as he was your father. There was not the marital committment. Wasn't the promise of in sickness and in health. Then again, I do not have all the details and truly? I think I should have refrained from commenting to be honest. Based simply on the fact that I do "not" know the details... | |
|
| |
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:32:15 AM | People get sick. Chit happens. And, with very few exceptions it's not their fault that they got sick -- especially with something like one of the debilitating diseases. When you love someone and marry them, you share their happiness and you share their grief -- by my morality, anyway. Walking out to make a better life for yourself just doesn't 'cut it' with someone like me, no matter what the 'time frame'. I would think that the person that was sick would like to walk away and make a better life for himself as well ... had he not got sick, that is. I, personally, wouldn't give the time of day to someone who walked out on their spouse after they got sick.
cdn guy | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:54:00 AM | When your friend got married, did she promise to stay with him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse till death?
My ex wife had the same delema. I got sick and she had to start working to provide income. For an extra $20 a month she could have put me on her medical insurance but that was too much for her to handle. She expected me to be the financial provider and resented it.
When she left, I was admited to a hospital and it took 4 years to recover.
Your friend as demonstrated her so called "needs" were more important than her spouse and it's no surprise at all that when her dates find out how she handled the situation, they leave.
Why would anyone want to be involved with someone that they know will probably leave them when they get ill, lose income after making those vows?
As her friend, do you think sex is more important than her vows? | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:03:02 PM | I tend to a little less judgemental about people who become caretakers for any length of time, having been the caretaker for 2 elderly and ill parents for over 20 yrs. My life took a backseat, and I almost killed myself in the process, so I am not going to recommend anyone do what I did. If I was married, and became ill with no hope of recovery, I would book myself into a care facility, rather than become a burden to someone I loved.
We all respond to stress, illness differently. Most doctors will tell you that caretakers often become ill themselves taking care of loved ones and put their own health at risk. I have walked a mile in similar mocassins. so I am not about to throw stones at the OP's friend, only she knows what she went through,and what it took to make her reach such a decision. She also has children to consider in that decision.
I wish her the best of luck OP and she has my prayers.  | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:07:37 PM | | I guess if I heard this long, complicated story from a dating prospect, I'd back off, just because I have a strong need for a drama-free zone. It wouldn't be about the morality or past choices of the person, it would be about what I think I can handle in my own life. In fact I have backed away from dating someone with a really weird, complicated, and frankly dysfunctional family situation. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:11:21 PM |
Why would anyone want to be involved with someone that they know will probably leave them when they get ill, lose income after making those vows?
As usual, what Mack says.
If I was getting married and the woman told me she couldn't do "sickness, poorer, worse, and death" with me? She's history.
I don't want a relationship that's only solid when things are good or convenient for the woman. I don't imagine most people would be happy knowing the other person is not as committed to sticking around as they are.
Anyone can be there for you when things are wonderful.
I want the woman who's still gonna be there when it's not. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:19:58 PM | I have to agree with the men here, and a few of the women who say "in sickness and health"
When two people marry, they take vows and to break that vow because someone becomes ill, to me that is very selfish.
As far as her "needs" are concerned, I would think after so many years of caring for her spouse, she certainly would need outside activities (not talking about sex here, that is what BOB is for, LOL) It is not her husband's fault that he became sick, and to tell him that she was going to leave or have an affair, to me that is cruel. If she wanted to have an affair, she could be discrete about it.
As far as her having a lot of therapy, that is good, but therapists are only as good as the people they council. Most of the time, they will agree with a patient, to keep them coming back.
Also, what is that telling her children? That is their father!
I have to agree with the men here too, why would you get involved at our age with someone who left their spouse because he got sick?
Also, there is a big difference taking care of a parent than a spouse. I took care of my mom, and had to put my life on hold, but it was my decision, and I would do it again if I could have her here :(
JMO
 | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:34:59 PM | | I think the person is selfish. She simply got tired of being married to the man....and wanted more bright lights, big city. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:59:24 PM | I have to fall in line behind the other posters who would stay committed to their spouse if they should become sick or injured. My husband died on the job, falling from a third floor window. If he had lived he would have been a paraplegic. I was prepared to stand by him and do whatever it would have taken. Not based on some sense of duty or vow I took. But, because I loved him. There are subjects like this one, that make me feel melancholy because I would give anything to have him here with me, to care for.
OP: Even though I don't know all the facts surrounding your friend's situation, perhaps she just got worn out tired. Instead of asking for some outside help, in order to replenish her energy, she called it quits. Too bad really. As far as her unfaithfulness to her marriage, I have zero tolerance for this type of behaviour. Infidelity is just that, infidelity. Regardless of the circumstances.
If I met a man, who had behaved this way towards his sick spouse, I'd be walking the other way. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:08:38 PM | Yes indeed, just what I would look for when seeking an LTR is a woman who wants to be with me for a good time, but not a long time.....
Duhhhhhhhhhhh.......... | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:16:11 PM | this is similar to another thread about getting seriously involved with someone older than yourself and wondering if you would leave when they got old and gray.
If you knew UP FRONT that a potenial partner was only there for the good times / only as long as you remained thin, healthly, and attractive no one would enter into such an arrangment - the killer is you don't know until it happens!!
I've been with someone quite a bit older than me and with someone who battle bad physical health and though neither of those relationships lasted it was not due to those reasons. I was ready to stay /love /and be supportive until the end.
true committment is getting harder to come by these days!! | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:34:16 PM | ^^^^ Ahmen Sista! Guess that is what puts us all on a dating site isn't it?
Messages this short may not be posted.....OMG, tis still too short....... | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:07:37 PM | I've yet to meet a man on here who has the vaguest notion that he might get ill or croak in the somewhat near future......and yet this woman is reviled after staying with this man for double digit years, taking on all the responsibilities and sacrificing her life for his.
Of course still in some parts of India she would be required to burn with her husband on the funeral pyre or go to the 'widows home' and remaining celibate for the rest of her life, no matter at what age she was widowed.
I say 'don't cast stones if you live in a glass house'. Everyone is different and so are the couples and none of us knows what we would do until hits where we live. How many boys left their pregnant girlfriends, husbands when the kid had physical problems and wives struck by breast cancer....walk a mile in someone elses shoes before casting stones. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:44:37 PM | I agree with you Moonchild...there are many, many couples in similar situations....but you just don't tell the sick person you're going to cheat on them, and THEN kick them to the curb..... | |
|
| |
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:53:29 PM | I've yet to meet a man on here who has the vaguest notion that he might get ill or croak in the somewhat near future......and yet this woman is reviled after staying with this man for double digit years, taking on all the responsibilities and sacrificing her life for his.
The woman was praised for her staying when she did, she did not sacrifice her life (people in Iraq are sacrificing their lives for oil) and she was not reviled she was criticized for telling him she was going to have affairs leaving him cause she was horny.
If a man treated his sick wife that way, the women would be screaming about him thinking with his penis.
Some women use any excuse to take pot shots at men. | |
|
| He is sick, she left him...
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:27:20 PM | I think it can be a double standard when a person admits that this is what he/she needs to do because he/she can't cope mentally with a situation. She did what she thought was the right thing at the time, she didn't leave him, he stayed for as long as he wanted to stay in the matrimonial home. and when he was ready, HE chose to move to a place where they had full time care, it was HIS idea to move there, NOT hers.
She loved him, looked after him, carried him as far as she could then said, I can't carry you anymore. She was honest with him because she felt that was necessary.
As a highly emotional woman, as a result of childhood and subsequent *rough* life, I was kicked to the curb a few times by men that *couldn't* cope with my healing process. I know what it is like, but I also know that that is what they needed to do for themselves (although they are still alone!). It is horrible to be in that position when you are left alone and feeling cripled, WHETHER or not it is physical or emotional is irrelevant. I think this man is better for it, will have a much better quality life (what is left of it) and will leave this earth knowing that his wife made sure that his kids were well taken care of by a woman that chose to take care of her needs first.
Maybe I didn't portray it the right way, she didn't just want sex! It was a part of it, but she also wanted companionship with someone that didn't need as much from her as he did. As for help, suffice to say, there just wasn't any.
I don't know if she faced it again in another situation if she'd do it all again, but my thought is that if she did get involved, the fact that she discussed it with her new partner then the two of them would have a plan that they were both committed to.
We all know we are going to die, I have a plan and my children KNOW, that I would never put that burden on them, they have their lives to live as well.... I did that deed myself with my own father, but I would not do it to my own children unless I could afford full time nursing. | |
|
| When the going gets tough, the tough get going...
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:33:15 PM | I see no difference between abandoning an ill spouse, or your aging parents, when they need you the most.
People gotta do what they gotta do, but this selfish, cowardly behavior would be more than enough for me not to pursue a relationship with a woman.
Easy for me to say though, I guess, because both my parents died young and I've never been married. | |
|
| When the going gets tough, the tough get going...
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:41:51 PM |
Easy for me to say though, I guess, because both my parents died young and I've never been married.
yes, well walk a mile in someone elses shoes, then decide.... it is all about choices, not really about emotions at all. Nobody really knows their limits until they actually come face to face with them. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
