| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:48:47 AM | So, I've been absolutely single for well over 2 years and am ready to meet "Mr Right for Me" when our paths do finally cross. Personally I do first dates / meetings / encounters ... really well and I'm not carrying much for baggage beyond a small carryon that would get in the way of moving on in my life! But I am so ready to graduate from first dates and get to the possibilites that exist within the context of the whole experience of second dating. I have often referred to or thought of myself as the "queen of first dates" ... and I am not so sure thats a good thing ~ so "Second Date 202" ~ sign me up!
In addition, I have met a lot of men that have the same dilemma. I have given a lot of thought to ... and have discussed this with a number of them ... but am looking for some feedback from both genders here!
What have you concluded is the reason for your inability to get past the first date? (besides the obvious of course)
I'll start with my own self assessment and insight from my own experiences.
~ My inability to get past the first date seems to be due to the fact that I can afford to be selective at this point in my life. Although I try to go into that first encounter without expectations, I know that is somewhat unrealistic as we almost all have even minute expectations for just about everything whether we admit them to someone else or not! So I don't go into the firt meet with any unreasonable / unrealistic expectations anyway! I am a firm believer in chemistry ... so ... sometimes that is the very thing I will pick up on initially (and yes ... this is most often the very thing that prevents me from saying yes to seeing someone again). I find that the first time I meet someone ... I want to know about some of the core things that I think can "make or break" a really good relationship. So ... I am not afraid to touch on the core things like what's your relationship with your kids (if you have any), your family, your faith? Ok ... so it's all very casual as part of a conversation ... not like an interview or anything. I am relaxed and at ease ... even with the men I meet that I sense won't be a good life partner / match for me. I am honest, and genuinely intersted in them, and ask a lot of questions ... I do not make a first meeting "all about me" ... I probably avoid the "me stuff" unless prompted. I am a good listener and I think most men (and women) feel pretty comfortable with me. But I do know that I am flirty and consequently have the need to be sure that I don't send mixed signals along the way! Of course if a kiss ends the first encounter ... that has at times been the very thing that lets me know this would never work for long in my world. I find that I do look ahead and try to imagine if this is someone that I could see myself with ... or share myself with as we journey forward together.
So, does anyone else feel like they have "mastered the art of first dating ... and ready to graduate to "Second Date 202"?
Maybe "Second Date 202" will have some key lesson plans we can engage in to try to make the whole getting beyond the first date a little more promising! What's your experience? What have you learned about "The Art of Second Dating" that you can share?
(for those of you wondering ... yes I did a thread search and nothing I found really addresses this ~ especially in this age group / forum catagory) | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:26:19 AM | If I get to a second date, I generally make it to a third date, but often I lose them at that point.
To be entirely honest, other than general advice like be polite, nice, honest, punctual, etc., I don't think you can really make rules to govern stuff like this.
But that's JMO, and I'll wait to see what others have to say. Of course, if one seeks an LTR, one really only needs one successful second date... and third date... and fourth date... and so on, and then presumably drops out of this pond! | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:46:31 PM | Self assessments are usually quite different from other's assessments of you.
You say 'not like an interview' and go on to describe an interview.
You say it's not "all about you" but your interview is about assessing how you will deal with the answers to lots of questions. Lots of questions is an interview.
Your imagining how the future will be and I wonder how that affects your enjoyment of the present.
It seems chemistry may be the subject you need to study. Put 2 elements together and the reactions will vary greatly. Mixing oil an water is useless, vinegar and baking soda cause an immediate reaction but don't really taste good. Mix flower, yeast, sugar and a few other ingredients put it in an oven for a whole and you got cake but that takes time.
Seems like you want the taste of the cake but want the instant reaction of the vinegar and baking soda. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:38:19 PM |
I am a firm believer in chemistry ... so ... sometimes that is the very thing I will pick up on initially (and yes ... this is most often the very thing that prevents me from saying yes to seeing someone again).
That's what I've found too. It's the lack of immediate attraction that seems to prevent people from getting past the first date.
I think that most of us have a picture in our mind of what "Mr/Miss Right" looks like and what type of personality they would have. When we meet a real person we are comparing them with this ideal and the real person usually does not meet our expectations.
The people that are the most successful are the ones that are more realistic and are willing to give people a chance even though everything isn't perfect. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:48:07 PM | Let me clarify ~ I wasn't necessarily looking for your assessment of me ... per say ... or even your "advice". I think I did put a couple of very specific questions within the initial post itself. I was hoping to encourage responders to share a little about themselves and their own experiences verses feeling a need to assess me or the way I may have or may not have expressed myself within the limited posting. Your assessment of me will likely be an unfair and judgemental unless you have personally had a first date with me!
So ... I will try to make this easier ...
Looking for some shared experiences and personal observations or lessons learned from them.
Questions:
What have you concluded is the reason for your inability to get past the first date? (besides the obvious of course if they had totally misrepresented themselves)
So, does anyone else feel like they have "mastered the art of first dating ... and ready to graduate to "Second Date 202"?
Maybe "Second Date 202" will have some key lesson plans we can engage in to try to make the whole getting beyond the first date a little more promising! What's your experience? What have you learned about "The Art of Second Dating" that you can share?
(hopefully this has clarified my original intent) | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:09:04 PM | RoyalPain: I do agree " I don't think you can really make rules to govern stuff like this."
Golconda: You make a good point ... I agree that being realistic is key ... and understanding that everything is not going to be "perfect". Not in the first meeting ... and not in a lifetime together. This is where balance in realistic expectations comes into play.
MacKevinized: You have me wondering ... how do we go about getting to know someone if we don't really listen ... or ask questions ~ taking a genuine interest. I never really thought about the questions as being "interview" questions ... but rather personal interest in someone else and looking for comonality and differences. But you are right ... I do agree that "Seems like you want the taste of the cake but want the instant reaction of the vinegar and baking soda".
Or maybe more precisely stated in my own words, I want the cake but might be overlooking the mixture looks different more like the batter it really is. I need to give it time to bake to get the end result I was hoping for!
~ keepin it real | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:59:45 PM | | The first date should always lead to a second date unless something really, really bad happens. This is because the question of whether or not to have a second date will ruin a first date. When you have it decided from the start there will be a second date, you relax and make the best of it. That leads to a good time. Then you want the second date because you had a good time on the first one. Never go on a first date without first committing to a second date. Just keep in mind that on the third date you are required to put out. Hey, nobody said it was going to be easy. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:42:19 PM | | You can't graduate from anything...until you know...it is honesty between you and your date. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:57:17 PM | | I agree with mr. internet in that a first date should always lead to a second. Unless I am repulsed or totally turned off by some quirk, I will most likely have a second date if the guy is interested. I think those of us who are open minded think that way. The second date you begin to get a more sense of the person, perhaps explore the chemistry part of the equation. You are more comfortable with each other at this point and perhaps a bit more open. This openness is more revealing, it's a better to chance to see if you like what is on the inside. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:12:50 PM | Mr. Internet ( like your handle, by the way) I think first meetings can make people slightly nervous. But, I think you're right in saying we should relax because it does lead to having a good time with someone. That being said, if a fella doesn't make me just a little "weak in the knees" upon first meeting him, is there really any point in having a second date? And, the same would hold true for him.
Now, here's the part where you lost me............
Never go on a first date without first committing to a second date.
I'm a believer in taking it one step at a time. Baby steps at that. Experience has taught me that it isn't wise to get ahead of yourself and start projecting into the future. I'm more inclined now to " enjoy the moment" and tomorrow will take care of itself. If were both intrigued enough with each other to want to get to know each other better, we'll decide after a first date.
Just keep in mind that on the third date you are required to put out. Hey, nobody said it was going to be easy.
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:28:04 PM | Questions:
What have you concluded is the reason for your inability to get past the first date? (besides the obvious of course if they had totally misrepresented themselves)
You can't seriously expect anyone to answer "I am unable to get past the first date because _____________" - can you? This is a dating site, we're not here to put our worst foot forward for everyone to see.
Why don't you start the ball rolling by fessing up that you can't get past the first date, and telling us the reasons why you can't. You never know, it might start a spasm of self-criticism in the rest of us.
edit: oops, on re-reading your OP I see you fessed up to being selective. Do you THINK not getting beyond the first date might be because you rush to judgment, are a little too heavy, or have too directive a style? Are you turning down second dates - or are you not getting asked? | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:31:55 PM | | I disagree that a first date should lead to a second. I have dated numerous times ladies I met on POF. Sometimes there is no second date. It just wasn't there, be it intellect, personality, or appearance. I think that is the purpose of a site like this, to meet people and discover. I have had a lot of second dates. For a wide variety of reasons, they clicked, for both of us. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:37:30 PM |
You have me wondering ... how do we go about getting to know someone if we don't really listen ... or ask questions ~ taking a genuine interest. I never really thought about the questions as being "interview" questions ... but rather personal interest in someone else and looking for comonality and differences.
Well you gotta listen and ask questions. Asking questions is an interview, you are trying to determine if the prospect can do the job, fit the bill, is worth a second date. If your date has to hear a bunch of questions and find's out little to nothing about you and then get a 'no' to a second date, he'll feel the interview didn't go well.
Maybe you need to let the date interview you (find out more about you) to feel the attraction you're looking for. I know I would not like to see someone that knows nothing about me because she did all the talking. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:06:41 PM | If we are talking about Internet dating, the first meeting should be a "meet and greet". I don't consider it a "first date", perhaps date .5?
For the sake of discussion, let's call the first meeting a "coffee date". This is where you can size up the other person and see if you find them physically attractive, whether you like their personality, and whether they have some common interests. You will also be looking for the "deal breakers". There are many deal breakers and we all have a long list of them.
At the end of the "coffee date" both people should know whether they want to see each other again. I've found that this only happens about 10% of the time. If both people want to get together again we go to the real "first date".
The "first date" is where you really get to know the other person and see their personality and values. By the end of the "first date" you will again have a good idea whether to continue seeing the other person. There are many reasons why you will choose not to see the other person after the "first date". The most common is lack of attraction, but there are many others. Perhaps you discovered one of the hidden dealbreakers. Or perhaps you just don't find the person's values match your own.
Yes, it's a long and frustrating process, but what other option do we have? Being alone the rest of our lives? | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:40:38 PM | ...In my opinion there are so many do's and don'ts to dating, and of course everyone has their own little piece of advice. I have listened to so many so called dating experts and they say "ask questions", it lets the other person know you are genuinely interested, as long as the questions are not too personal....then lo and behold someone else comes along and says don't ask questions, it will make them feel like their being interviewed.
I watched a dating show not too long ago where she was told to make body contact, show him that your interested. Not in a sexual manner of course but lightly placing the hand on the back or the arm....oh no, don't do that, you'll have the guy thinking, "cripes, she was all over me, couldn't keep her hands off."...do you kiss or don't kiss, say you'll call, or say nothing....whats the protocol?
I know what your saying OP, and there is nothing wrong with being selective, I too try not to have any expectations, keep it friendly but truth be known, as soon as I arrive at that restaurant or whatever venue...."that thought" crosses my mind.
For me I need to feel "something" in order to graduate, I know instinctively if I want to see them again.
...maeflowers | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:49:18 PM | Since I am in the Graduate Program working on my advanced degree........I can tell you that until you get to the "higher" level classes, you stand little chance of anything but returning and living in your dorm room......... 
OT.......You will know it and feel it when right, and most statistics will tell you that you have to pass many tests in order to get the grade and move on to the next level.....
Tutoring will help many times and as I remember.......most of the tutors are in the "Graduate Program".......... 
Just my opinion........   | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:42:21 PM | On a personal note ... I am not afraid at all to talk about myself in the context of the questions I ask or am asked. I have good communication skills and a natural ability when sharing with others and meeting people for the first time. This is not just my self assessment ... but something others consistantly confirm. I am balanced, consientious and share appropriately.
In addition, for those of you that may be wondering ... I am generally the one not interested in the second date.
maeflowers: from another woman ... it's nice to see that I am not alone! I can sooo relate to what you've said.
c deacon: Since you've made it through the Graduate Program ... and you are are in a class by yourself ... are you offering to tutor me??? You could surely help me study for those tests in order to get the grade and move on to the next level ... right???   I am sooo ready for the Graduate Program and would love to consider an advanced degree as well!!!
~ keepin it real! | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:45:11 PM | I'm not sure getting to a second date has much to do with being too selective or not selective enough; it has more to do with being able to engage each other.
Some people are naturals and can readily engage with almost anyone, while others take so much time warming up to it that the other party loses interest. It's about compatibility and abilty to communicate with each other as well as knowing what you want from a relationship once you get into one.
I've been the One Date Wonder myself....went out on one date an wondered why we bothered. I didn't know what I wanted....he came across as a bit desperate....and many other issues were obstacles to second dates. Once I was truly ready to date and knew that I wanted to be in a committed reltationship, not just a casual dater, it became easier to weed out at least a few of the men that weren't heading in the same direction. That's when I began to get more second dates...and even a few third and fourth ones.
If we were able to say and do exactly the same thing while interacting with 20 different people, they each would see us in a different way. So, while one man may consider your quesitoning him about his interests/family/friends as a wonderful thing because you are showing an interest in him, the next man may consider it an inquisition or interrogation.
Are you trying to hard to show an interest in him and forgetting to let him know a little about you as well? It's not enough for you to just engage him, you must also allow him the opportunity to engage you. That creates the connection that will bring on the second date. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:51:21 PM | freetoo327,
Let me start of by stating that after looking at your photos & your profile it's hard to imagine you not getting a lot of 2nd & 3rd dates. Perhaps it's not you but who you are dating. Sorry ... just my personal opinion.
As far as my experiences ... I'm afraid that it's usually the other party that stands in the way of my 2nd dates. I can't tell you how many times I've gone on a first date, we seem to have a wonderful time & then a day or two later I get the ... "you're a really nice guy but ..." speech. Nothing specific ... just I didn't feel the spark or make the connection. You've labeled yourself the queen of 1st dates ... well, I heard the same old familiar speech so many times I fear I have the "nice guy" curse. I almost start ducking any time someone refers to me as a nice guy.
So getting bacvk to your original question ... sorry, I don't have any answers for you but call me when you get ready for that Second Date 202 Class ... maybe we could attend together.
Gary | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:26:19 PM | Have really only had a couple dates from one member here which were great and one very unsuccessful 1/2 or rather 1/8th of a date (yep - went home after an hour of that) from another dating site (and quit it right then as well) - so I'm rather new at this, but what I'm reading here is a lot of over analyzing? Yes? Let things go naturally ... anticipating a response for this, wondering about that - that's enough to make you batty!
Like I said - let it go naturally - if something is odd, and odd enough that you feel weird and not yourself then the date is done for the evening - then at that time you decide if you want to continue - what was wrong here. And Trust you instinct too!!
But really looking for things, responses, questions, etc - that right there would put a damper on the date - not to mention driving yourself a little nuts!
Now if I'm totally off base - then ignore me, K?  | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:28:04 PM |
What have you learned about "The Art of Second Dating" that you can share?
She pays.  | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/14/2008 4:30:34 AM | When you find out let me know!
Just teasing. I've had a few seconds and more with just a couple of guys. Some ended up "just friends", one ended with us both still wondering if "it" is there or not (great for playful teasing-but not for the long run), and one, well I'm just healing from an LDR that lasted a few months. So life goes on. We learn from each encounter, although some may leave us scratching our heads in the "WHAT was THAT all about" fashion. Having once been a neophyte at the first date syndrome I still just play whatever "it" is by ear. And hope my hearing isn't gone. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/14/2008 7:26:39 AM | Are coffee meets first dates? If so, then the reason I didn't get past those was I didn't want to. I use coffee meets to weed out the people I don't want to go out with.
I rarely go out on a date with someone I'm not interested in..and if I'm interested enough to go out..it usually is more than one date. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/15/2008 12:37:01 PM |
Are coffee meets first dates? If so, then the reason I didn't get past those was I didn't want to. I use coffee meets to weed out the people I don't want to go out with.
I don't consider coffee meets to be first dates. The first date happens after you've done the "meet and greet" thing and you both agree that there might be some mutual attraction and neither of you has discovered any "dealbreakers".
In my experience, most "coffee dates" do not lead to a first date because one or both people don't feel any attraction. | |
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| Graduating from
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:14:54 PM | My most romantic dates were...over coffee and glass of wine...you know..."in vino veritas"... | |
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