| Collaborative Help Sought For "Poem"
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:00:50 PM | Here's what I have so far:
I want to be your cellphone
Your personal effect
You carry me around
Take me wherever you go
And hold me and open me up
And tell me all your secrets
And push all my buttons
And respond when I chime
To do it all over again
It doesn't necessarily have to rhyme.
Ideas/Concepts? Additions? Modifications? | |
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| Collaborative Help Sought For Poem
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:13:54 AM | Complete in itself. It's hard to carry a metaphor for much longer than this.
A good performance piece.
Let it sit for a while and then see if there's anything else you want to say.
Some general comments from an old stager . . .
As a 'list' poem, check if your ideas flow from least to greatest (or vice versa when this is the purpose). eg 'respond when I chime' might precede some of the other ideas.
One aspect not covered is doing it in public.
'carry me around' could go as this idea is covered in the next line.
What do you do with your poems? | |
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| Collaborative Help Sought For Poem
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:21:07 PM | | Such great advice and insight to a poem that I thought near perfect, though I loath phones with more hate in them than love can displace. Just one more instrument in the media monster, who tells the Worlds secrets of death and dispair, so we of warm home with kindness to share, must teach our own children don't trust just beware | |
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