| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:22:27 PM | | I've written a number of post on this site What i seem to get is my marriage was crappy but i was left with wonderful children Does this seem the norm. Did anyone have a happy marriage despite the children.Was anyone happy all those years were the chidren were not the total focus? | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:46:34 PM | Making the children the total focus of the family is a good way to ruin the marriage.
Maybe your priorities weren't quite right. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:02:23 PM | Some people marry for the express purpose of having children and the experience of raising them. Some feel it's their religious obligation to outbreed other faiths. Some just love kids and want to be surrounded by them. Some people are societal automatons and think they are follow the 'rules' or 'instructions' laid down for them.
No matter the reason, marrying for the sake of raising children is a legit reason, but one should be sure that both partners are marrying for THAT reason so they don't feel shortchanged when the house is full of happy feet. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/14/2008 3:42:05 AM | I had a wonderful marriage. My late husband and I did not have children together, but we had his. We focused on the children when there was a need to focus on them. We foucused on ourselves when that was necessary. When the children left home, we enjoyed being empty nesters. When they came back with their spouses and later their own children, we were delighted to see them arrive, and relieved when they went home.
I think we had a happy, successful marriage because we managed to keep things in balance. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/14/2008 6:09:22 AM | Pazoozoo nailed it! It's all about having balance. When a couple puts each other and their relationship first, everything else falls into place.
There's an old saying I think warrants repeating.
The best gift you can give your children is to love their Mother.........or Father. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/14/2008 7:18:30 AM | Despite the children?
I was happy for over 20 years. We enjoyed each others company...with, or without the children. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/14/2008 1:05:43 PM | my children are very close to being grown now - only one left at home! And I am fully looking forward to a time in my life where I can be in a realtionship where the main focus is each other.
I love my children and want to see them on"visits" for the rest of my life and I hope the person I am with has a good realtionship with his children too.
I enjoyed every stage of my children's life but yes it was hard to balance being a mom / wife/employee / lover/ taxi driver / etc... etc... and it does take toll on the marriage.
Now I can't wait for this new phase of my life to begin! | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:54:13 AM | | In a way my marriage ended because of the kids. Appearently my sole purpose was to father her children, provide her with a house, then be happy being nothing more than a paycheck and a handyman. Any attempt on my part to have in active role in parenting the kids was strongly resisted by my ex. It wasn't the fathers place, I was merely to be a provider for her and "her" kids. She never even refered to them as our kids. It ws this attitude that lead to our divorce. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/18/2008 3:59:06 PM | My marriage fell apart once the kids grew up.
The ex wife said she didnt feel the kids or I wanted her anymore.
She was totally worng but could not be convinced otherwise and she left. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:27:24 PM | | I am just out of a 31 year marriage. The kids are wonderful - happy and successful with families of their own. My marriage was wonderful up until the last 4 months. Job stress can take it's tole. Only goes to show that anything can happen. I thought the happily ever after was all planned out. Now I am happily looking forward to finding out what new plan is in store for me now. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:40:09 PM | Kids are more resilient than you realize when you are open and honest with them about the marriage situation AND you explain that the failure has nothing to do with them. It just doesn't work with the couple. You must also agree that neither will slam each other behind the other's back.
Most fail to understand that and by staying together in a rocky marriage actually does more harm to the children than good. They grow up in a confuding household which can actually reflect on their relationships as they grow.
The most important part is 'talking' to your children and affording them an understanding of some of the things that have been going on. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:48:24 PM | Well I did what I could for my children, but they were not my whole life. I do think my love for my children is unconditional, and I think that is true for most parents.
I found that marital love is conditional on both partners doing what is necessary and appropriate to keep it going. If they are on the same page, or at least the same chapter, of the same book they can work it out. When we finds out that our partner is secretly following a different book than we thought (eg "Fidelity is a Waste of Human Resources") or that our partner is unwilling to put any effort into it, love sooner or later departs. We may stay for a time, and make an even greater effor for the sake of our children, at least I did, but when we come to understand it is hopeless, it is time to end it. Certainly the children are considered in this decision, and, yes, sometimes they are better off after the marriage ends than before. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:51:41 PM | In my first marriage I always tried to focus on the relationship. Of course I did not ignore my kids, we were active in sports, scouts, and the community, but I was all about the mantra that a strong marriage is what holds the family together. I became pregnant with my third child in the 15th year of our marriage. After his birth I was busier than ever with two teenagers and a baby. I guess I must have not been paying enough attention and he cheated.
We tried to reconcile and I made the mistake of saying "don't stay because of your sense of responsibility to the children, stay because you want our marriage to succeed." It was perhaps the greatest disservice I ever did to my children. | |
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| Is it for the children
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:11:35 PM |
My marriage fell apart once the kids grew up.
The ex wife said she didnt feel the kids or I wanted her anymore.
She was totally worng but could not be convinced otherwise and she left.
That happens a lot! I don't think it is because of the kids, but perhaps when the kids are out of the picture, the couple have really grown apart and come to realize it.. JMO | |
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