| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:27:20 PM | I am feeling a wee bit confused. I've been in a relationship 7 years with a guy I was totally crazy about. We live together, get on well, almost never argue, we trust each other but there's one thing that really bothers me big time and that is we never ever do anything together as a couple. I've spent years telling him how I feel but apart from feeling like a nag which I hate and needy which I am not I have started to resent him for making me even have to ask. Am I living in a fantasy world thinking that couples that are in love should sometimes do things as a couple? I am not a possessive person and am all for having separate hobbies/interests its healthy but the most we do together is order a take away pizza once a fortnight and even then we don't sit together to eat it. I can imagine anyone reading this is thinking how silly a question this is and that it's obvious he doesn't feel the same way, but I know he loves me in his own way and he is always affectionate. I just don't know if this is how I can live the rest of my life. He even knows I have joined plenty of fish to find someone I can talk to????
I would like to hear what anyone else thinks about this situation any opinion will be appreciated.
Thanks in advance. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:41:08 PM | | After leaving a relationship just like that I have a new respect for freedom. If you cant do anything together then your not really together. And when your partner wont listen they just assume your ok with it. Its funny how over the years we try to comform to do things they like and feel we get no effort on their part. I almost like getting neglected and its not healthy. At least it wasnt for me. Good luck in whatever you chose to do. I would suggest counsiling though. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:52:34 PM | | Thanks for your advice, I do actually agree counselling may help but the likelihood of getting him to come along is not very high. I know he thinks i'm ok with it as I gave up the nagging almost a year ago. It's like I have all the negative parts for both being in a relationship and also not being in a relationship. Maybe counselling on my own could help. Thanks again | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:00:38 PM | | I do think there need to be some shared activities and cultivated shared interests--at least a few. If he is not willing to even try to share in your interests, not only do you have nothing in common, but you have a man who does not care very much about your needs or the relationship. I was with a guy like this once for 3 years and it was bad news. I have recently met someone through a mutual interest and we find we have many things in common. It makes for a wonderful friendship, even if things don't work out romantically. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:06:26 PM | Here's my advice: get active. Find things YOU like to do, and do them. Meet people while you do them. Find out what it's like doing things with others, and then ask yourself, "Do I really wish he were here enjoying this with me? Or should I move on? Or am I content with having my "activities buddies" and not doing things with him?"
Sounds like a no-brainer...and really, you already know that this is.
The biggest question is WHY is *he* "OK" with your unhappiness, when a little bit of participation on his part would be so good for you both? After 7 years, he should know you pretty well, and if he knows this makes you less happy, less whole, then what does that say about his role in the relationship?  | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:11:31 PM | Seven years is a long time to be with him. Counseling sounds like a good idea. Your relationship sounds stagnant and lost the flavor, direction, and outside interests that you are really cherishing. He sounds committed to you and vice versa. Commitment is key, is he committed enough to give himself up for you? Marriage planned ?
Be a friend to yourself first, and pursue those things which make you happy, and provide you with joy. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:12:28 PM | At first I laughed out loud when I saw your thread title, for it seems of course it can't be successful if you have NOTHING in common......but it sounds like you do have some things in common - the internal things, but not the external, perhaps.
Many successful couples do not share the same activities or hobbies and that's ok really. So, externally you do not share these things together and it's not a pre-requisite of success in a relationship.
But internally, you say he is affectionate and may I remind you that is a very rare thing after 7 years of living together and not to be minimialized in terms of importance.
I do wonder, though, when is he affectionate with you if you don't spend ANY time together? Why don't you eat together? Did you ever spend more time together? Is it only in bed at night you two meet up?
If you are feeling truly unhappy, then yes, perhaps counselling would be good for you anyway because that is something you can do for yourself.....and I honestly think it would be far wiser than being on this site looking for men to talk to and as honestly and openly as you express you are wishing to do in your profile. I actually think that is opening up the potential of a real threat to your relationship more than you or your partner realize.
Good luck and I hope counselling will help you learn to communicate without fear of feeling you are nagging. That is not a good situation and I hope your partner also comes to realize you are not feeling fulfilled at all in this relationship, it seems, and he really needs to perhaps make more effort too to be with you, literally....or I don't see it surviving, for what is it you really have outside of sex? (sorry for the bluntness, but that's my guess...and that's not to knock sex either.)
Take a close look at what you two do have, perhaps, and start focusing on that instead of what you don't. You might realize there is more positive there than you are presently seeing. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:13:17 PM | | You might have got hooked up with a man who needs specifics. Instead of saying something vague like, we should do things together, you would need to tell him he has to go with you to do a specific thing at a certain place at a given time. Three o'clock, in the kitchen, we're making cookies. Be there or die. If he keeps refusing the activities you suggest, and won't name anything he wants to do with you as a suggestion of his own, then you can try explaining that you require three things be done together each month or else you will replace him. That lets him know in concrete terms what he has to do to keep you happy. Once you have spelled it out he can choose whether he wants to keep you happy or walk away. No need to be silent and resentful or a nag. Just be concrete and set out your requirements. Because if you guys want different things in life, best to know that and move on, while if there is something specific he could do and would, he has to have it spelled out to see it. Men can be practical like that and miss out on the emotional importance of things left too vague. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:40:01 PM | To answer your question you can. But With your situation until you force the issue nothing is going to change. But why would you. You already said you spent years telling him. If it were me I would have ended it years ago. Because as I see it. Your "boyfriend" isn't in a relationship. He has found someone who will not only have sex with him but pays half of the bills. And all he has to do is live under the same roof with them. So He's probably thinking
I have it made so why should I change a thing. Neil | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:44:19 PM | OP- Has he always been this way? Or has progressed to this point over the years? If he has always been this way, then maybe that's just the type of person he is...and you can either deal or walk away. If it has progressed to this...then I'd say he is in is comfort zone and needs some motivation to get out of it.
I would suggest finding something new that both of you could do together. Something that you know he would like and you would like. Rock climbing, kayaking, hiking, etc. Whatever fits your situation.
I also say this about finding someone to talk to on here. If you value your relationship then you need to be careful. I've seen too many individuals that just want someone to talk to...and then it confuses their situation even more. Because you aren't getting what you need at home, you are looking elsewhere for it...even if it is just talking. I've seen men and women 'fall in love' with their e-mail/chat partners. No...they fall in love with the fact that someone is paying attention to them...attention that their SO should be giving them.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:49:41 PM | | thanks for advice. I do think you hit the nail on the head there. I did actually get a response when I left him albeit only for a few hours but he came back of his fishing holiday to an empty house. He even went out of his way and booked us a weekend away and I really was impressed and thought it was a good sign of a new beginning. But I soon realised that was him trying to shut me up for a while which is when I gave up. I never actually thought of giving him a set of requirements as you put it, I like the be there or die bit. This actually could work, at worst it could prove that he is not interested in making things work and I will be able to walk away with my head held high knowing I did everything I possibly could. thanks again. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:50:27 PM | Not really. Eventually you`ll tire of the same old , same old. If he doesn`t want to do things with you then you`ll get tired of him and want someone else to do things with. Case in point, my g/f brokeup with me for several reasons but firstly she always suggested we do this or that and she had come up with ideas of what to do on a given weekend etc. Me on the other hand did very little or nothing but let her make suggestions or ideas of what to do. I know that I will have to do things ,and make suggestions with my next partner if I want a good relationship to last.
What you might do is try to encourage him to do things a little at a time. Don`t force him but persuade him gently at first and then see what he does or says. If your not happy then you have to make your choice about him in your relati0nship together. But, you will eventually tire of doing things without him. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:04:48 PM | We have always had our independence, but for the first few years we used to go out drinking together and socialise with friends. It all went downhill when he started fishing and as he now doesn't drink at all he's not interested in going out. I even went night fishing a few times with him but to be honest after an hour or two it bores the pants off me. I have suggested many other activities but if it doesn't start with fish and end with ing he isn't interested. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle and should just accept it, I think I have but telling him isn't going to be easy.
I also agree with you about the danger of talking to men on here and the attention bit and was kind of hoping by telling him i'd signed up here that he might realise himself.
I guess i'm just soft in the head or an idiot, he's an idiot as I know if we finished he would be gutted and I really wish he could see the light without having to learn the hard way.
Thanks everyone for all and every piece of advice. Think I'll give him one last chance to prove himself and if he doesn't well there's plenty more fish in the sea. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:26:26 PM | I am feeling a wee bit confused. I've been in a relationship 7 years with a guy I was totally crazy about. We live together, get on well, almost never argue, we trust each other but there's one thing that really bothers me big time and that is we never ever do anything together as a couple. I've spent years telling him how I feel but apart from feeling like a nag which I hate and needy which I am not I have started to resent him for making me even have to ask. Am I living in a fantasy world thinking that couples that are in love should sometimes do things as a couple? I am not a possessive person and am all for having separate hobbies/interests its healthy but the most we do together is order a take away pizza once a fortnight and even then we don't sit together to eat it. I can imagine anyone reading this is thinking how silly a question this is and that it's obvious he doesn't feel the same way, but I know he loves me in his own way and he is always affectionate. I just don't know if this is how I can live the rest of my life. He even knows I have joined plenty of fish to find someone I can talk to????
I would like to hear what anyone else thinks about this situation any opinion will be appreciated. Thanks in advance. - clareb c
> My observations, for what they're worth.
> You say you never do anything as a couple - and yet you live together. That in itself is a big deal. That in itself means you are doing something together, one of the main things in life.
> You say you have started to resent him for making me even have to ask. Clareb, the only person 'making' you ask is yourself. He didn't do it. He is not responsible for making you do anything, whether it's 'asking' or jumping over buildings.
> You are not mistaken in your belief that couples do things together - and not just live together. And you are not living in a fantasy to expect this. But what really concerns me about your posting, about your situation, is that he knows you have joined a dating agency, Plenty of Fish. He is fully aware. I, for one, would not be comfortable if my wife was seeking out other people on a dating agency. That would trouble me.
> My gut feeling, Clareb? There is precious little love here. It is too thin on the ground to provide any relationship with the emotional sustenance and fuel it needs. A relationship, and I mean any kind of relationship, needs to be nurtured and cared for. It does not operate on its own, like an automatic car whizzing down an open highway. It needs guidance. It needs some introspection. It needs care and consideration. It needs to feel blessed by the partners.
> The fact that you are asking a bunch of strangers, people you will probably never meet or recognise if you fell over them, indicates that something is seriously wrong with your relationship and your relationship to your relationship. Does that make sense?
> If you need someone to talk to, there are plenty of people ready and willing to chat; but, Clareb, what you really need is stability and depth in the relationship between you and your man. Who can you talk to now - now that you have spent years, as you say, talking to your man? Quo vadis? (Whither now?)
> Best wishes - Soul Union. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:28:13 PM | if you read my posts you would already know that we enjoy our own interests without the need to be in each others p0ckets.
I would be happy with an afternoon a month or even quaterly that we do something together not shopping that i prefer to do alone not fishing but something we could enjoy together. if thats too much to ask then i think i will be happier on my own. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:33:14 PM | You do nothing together? Shopping, eating out, going for a drive?
I mean I know women that I have little in common with, but between
hours spent working and sleeping, if you just do some of the things
I mentioned above, that's something and there isn't usually a whole
lot of time left!
It's easy though to fall into an unfulfilling (sp?) relationship!
Sounds like there isn't any passion left in the relationship,
and maybe that's more the problem actually! | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:33:18 PM | I have to tell you, I was in a relationship like that off and on for 15 years and now have a son with him. When I was with him, trying to get him to do something with me was like tryingto get a cat to bark or a dog to meow; but he was always up for doing things with his buddies. It drove me nuts!!!!
Eventually we grew apart and I have to say in reply to one of the posts that stated " Be active and decide if you would rather him be there with you"; It took a long time for me not to want him there, years actually. I took a few years off just to "find me" and decide exactly what it is I want and because my boys were small. When I did start dating it felt really odd and uncomfortable because I felt like I still "belonged" to him.
He was always the strong, silent type and was just always a presence, even when he wasnt there. I would know when he walked in the room even with my back to the door and the same with him.
Think long and hard before you decide what to do in this matter. Sometimes, they just have a hard time realizing what it is you want and if you go about it the right way, you will get certain things but sometimes expectations of one just cannot be fulfilled by another.
Good Luck with your decision.
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:48:36 PM | Ok, I'm going to be the one to ask it...
have you thought about the possibility he is active with another woman?
Especially some of those "fishing trips".
Sorry.
We have always had our independence, but for the first few years we used to go out drinking together and socialise with friends. It all went downhill when he started fishing ... | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:48:39 PM | Well, it's a give and take thing. You can go fishing with him once or twice. Yes, it can be boring, but it's where he clearly finds some peace. You could ask him about it, what he likes, maybe ask him what you could do to like it more.
Tell him, not in a nagging way, that you want to be there *for* him, not absent from him.
Find new ways to give yourself, your time, your attention to him. If he appreciates it, you'll feel better, because love is giving ourself to others. If he doesn't, well, you'll know what you're dealing with. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:51:03 PM | reply to plastic sturgeon
no we never eat out never go for a drive and never go shopping together.
i certainly am not demanding in a relationship, yes we live together which counts as what?
even when we are together we are apart as he is in conversation on the internet with whoever. when i say we do nothing it is not an understatement. I had to buy a separate computer as I needed it for work and got fed up having to wait for him to go to bed to use it. If I'd asked to use it he would go to bed anyway so would leave him to it just so we could at least be in the same room for longer. that was before as now I think i'm past caring and have moved to the kitchen.
The passion side although not often enough is probably why i am still here. lol | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:00:13 PM | Do you know that is one thing I know for sure that it isn't another woman.
His obsession with fishing doesn't give him the time for one let alone any others.
I wish it was it would be much more acceptable to be neglected for another female, but to be rejected for a fish. On a serious side, I know he's not an unfaithful person if he was unhappy with me in that way he would tell me. He's always been very honest.
I think he is just in his comfort zone and why shouldn't he lap it up, I've always done all the running round for him, looking after him, pay half the bills and he even gets to have sex when he desires, of course he's gonna lap it up. I made a rod for my own back. Lesson's learnt for me too I think. | |
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| can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:18:46 PM | I wonder what kind of thing it is that you want to do.
It seems odd to me that you don't eat together or do chores together. This would seem a pretty natural part of living with someone. Do you watch TV/movies together?
Maybe you could have a 'date' with him at home? (Probably easier than getting him to go out somewhere). Lay the table for two, with candles etc and cook his favourite meal... then pick a movie that you know he'll enjoy. The difference between this and nagging is huge: you're giving him something rather than asking for something, especially something non-specific. It might be best to plan it after he's had a day fishing... be careful not to cut into time that he thinks of as being 'his' time. Try not to make a big deal of the "this is what I want" angle -- a special meal together and a DVD is a treat for both of you. Avoid awkward topics or silences put some music on whilst you eat, perhaps) and at the end of the day, thank him and say that you really enjoyed spending the evening with him.
By showing him what you consider to be a treat, you are giving him a much clearer idea of what you want than if you keep saying "why don't we ever do anything together?" without clearly saying exactly what it is you want to do. Show him that it really is about time together... You may need to repeat this effort a few times. You can also try wording your requests more specifically: "there's this new film out at the cinema, will you come with me to see it?". Non-specific complaint of the type you outline in your posts here can make people hide because they feel like you are unhappy with them and they have no clue what to do about it (seriously).
Another thing worth trying, if you are feeling like you want more attention is to simply demand, "Hug me!". Or, "Will you eat with me this evening, I'm feeling lonely?" or, "Will you come for a walk with me?". It's something that's so easy for him to do and will make you feel better -- too many people are far too subtle when they feel that they want more attention from their partner. Wanting makes you feel vulnerable and so you're trying to hide it at the same time as communicate it and many people have trouble interpreting behaviours/signals.
You could also consider sharing the chores more: even if he's not too good on shopping trips, it would be worth having him along so you can be together, wouldn't it? Also, he's set a precedent by taking you away for a holiday -- why don't you take him away for a holiday, in return? | |
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