| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:01:09 PM | Opinions sought please.
If you have been dating exclusively for a year and you tell him that you love him but he doesn't reply with I love you back at what point would you ask if he does love you?
He has been very badly hurt by past relationships and he did tell a friend, in front of me, that he loves me but he was very drunk. That was after we had been seeing each other about 2 months. He hasn't repeated it since. So I don't know if he actually meant it or not. My thinking is that a person should know after a year if they love someone or not. We don't live together but spend 3 nights a week together.
Sometimes by his actions I think that he does care for me very much (love me?) but mostly it isn't apparent and I don't know whether it is a shield to save himself from further hurt or he just doesn't have the same feelings that I do.
I would rather leave the relationship than be with someone who doesn't love me back. When/is it, okay to ask?
Thanks in advance. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:05:46 PM | | Love shown is better than love professed. He could say whatever you want to hear a hundred times a day - but if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:15:46 PM | love is a silly word, don't bother yourself with it. its just something to say. love doesn't exist, beyond its verbal form. when you say you love somebody, you are just saying that you feel for them what you think is love, and when they tell you, they are telling you that what they feel as love they feel for you... so what happens when the both of you think that love means something completely different? well, you won't know. worst of all, people associate their meaning of the word love to be what their partner thinks the word love means.
so at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter unless you ask him to define the word, then ask if he feels that way about you, and then you can do the same. why go through all the hassle. does he hit you? does he degrade you? does he care for you? there's simple lists that you could compile to ensure that he cares about you above his own needs, which is all you should really expect out of somebody....and even that may be too much at times depending on the situation.
mutual love exists as much as the words do, and since the words carry different meanings... love isn't very universal from one person to the next. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:51:42 PM | I think a person knows when someone loves them.
It's not just a feeling, it's the things that people do to SHOW you. If he isn't respecting you, or treating you with kindness, and lifting you up, then he doesn't love you.
Love as a word doesn't cut what it shows in actions.
I think someday he will turn around and say it, if not- maybe he isn't vocal. Maybe a card, or a poem, or letter explains his love for you.
Spending the night 3 times a week means nothing if he doesn't show you. It could be a "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free ?" deal. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:12:38 PM | OP: "Sometimes by his actions I think that he does care for me very much (love me?) "
"...but mostly it isn't apparent...
I'm not feeling it.....I guess there is my answer."
OP, so which is it??? His actions demonstrate that he loves you (whether he says it, or not)? Or, his actions only show it occasionally? Or, his actions show it consistently, but it is not what you are looking for?
If he told you he loved you, ask yourself would it be a relief and you would think or say "FINALLY", or, would you think or say "Are you sure"? Not sure from you post whether you love him, either....or rather the thought of being in love....regardless with whom. JMO.
~ds~ | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:16:26 PM |
oh, and if you ask if he loves you...what's he going to do, say no? This can happen!
In my first relationship, the most he'd say was that he was fond of me, when I would say that I loved him. We reached a stalemate because I wasn't going to sleep with anyone who didn't love me and he told me that he wasn't going to love or trust anyone he hadn't slept with. Which was daft, really, in my opinion, but he was above saying the words and not being sure he meant them and I respected that.
Years later, he couldn't fathom why (on the two occasions, when I felt desperate enough to ask the question) he'd said that he didn't love me -- because at the time, he recalled that he certainly had felt that way towards me. Maybe it was a reaction to being asked or the expectations that he assumed came with admitting love.
The relationship I kind of rebounded into was with a man who was all too happy to say "I love you" -- far too early, never meaning it, just using the power of the words to manipulate me. After that I learned a few things.
Love means different things to different people, it's best to establish what it means to someone before you say it to them. Some don't want to hear "I love you" because it seems like a demand, few believe that a person can have feelings of love for another without it being conditional on them behaving in certain ways. This belief works the other way too -- you say " love you" and he thinks that you're lying because you don't necessarily want to live with him/marry him/have his babies/go to timbuktu with him -- whatever. Finding out what he means by love (most people do associate this with commitment and promises) is an important first step.
But if you're feeling as I was in my first relationship, going home and crying every evening because I felt so much for him and he seemed to like me so little, despite him having initiated the relationship, then no words will or should ever be enough to mend that. If you don't feel loved, by his behaviour alone, something is wrong and either he has personal issues and/or you shouldn't be together. Hearing "I love you" from him is what you want but it's a short term solution based on delusion and wishful thinking if you don't already feel loved. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:17:21 PM | | Yes, it's nice to hear " I love you " but as they say, actions speak louder then words. Just pay attention to his actions with you and see if you notice anything more, to decide if he loves you or not... Some people I think don't like to say it or just too scared too as been hurt before by someone they love. Fear of getting hurt is a powerful thing. Fear can control you in alot of things. I think once its 100% clear or your 100% sure he loves you just based on his actions, then just ask him if he loves you, how you think he does by his actions and if your right, if he would say it every now and then. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:22:17 PM | | Actions speak way louder than words, but if you don't know after a year, you might want to address these concerns with your partner. That seems like a lot of time to spend in uncertainty. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:25:08 PM |
Love shown is better than love professed. He could say whatever you want to hear a hundred times a day - but if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.
Well I'm here to tell you that I am overly impressed that the best answer would come first!! Very well put, my hats off to you.
There's not much more to say after that, except...**OP**; Do you feel loved by him?
If your unsure, and actually need to hear it in order to know it, then the rest is purely up to faith. I don't believe there is a perfect answer for this, but the very first response came as close as anyone will to answering your question.
Best wishes to you.
God Bless,
Scott | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:28:20 PM | davidsaunignon SOMETIMES his actions let me believe that he cares for me but...MOSTLY it isn't apparent. One example, I will come up to visit and he will stay at the pub knowing that I am waiting for him at his place.
As I have said......he tells the truth and I would expect it from him if I asked the question. If he told me that he loved me then I would reply that I loved him too.
My problem is that I love him very deeply....the grow old with me type, and if he doesn't feel the same way then I'd rather cry my tears now than later. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:32:54 PM | OPie...asking the question begs an answer. Are you drawing a line in the sand? If he doesn't say yes, then what...give it another year?
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:34:27 PM | | It's been one year..!!! If he is unable or unwilling to tell you he loves you....WHY !!!....are you wasting your time..??? I know people get hurt....and bla...bla...bla. I'll tell you this.....if you were the one for him and he knew it.....He would be telling the world !!!....which is exactly the way it should be.....don't settle for what you are getting here.....You deserve the world!!! | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:12:12 PM | SkinThief......Never ask a question if you don't think you can live with the answer....
It's the not knowing that I can't live with......if the answer is no then I move on and find someone who will love me.
No, he doesn't get another year of my life waiting and hoping that he will one day love me. He deserves to love someone as much as I deserve to be loved. If it's not meant to be, it's just not meant to be.
I have noticed posts on this forum on whether or not people who are in relationships should still frequent dating sites. He does. Several of them. I have told him that I think it's wrong. His reply was if you can't live with it then leave. His reasoning is that he likes to chat to people and make new friends...........I know that he has never met anyone that he has been chatting to since he met......he does just chat......I know that is true......various reasons but it is true that he hasn't. (that will put the cat amongst the pidgeons!) | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/14/2008 11:48:03 PM | | ^^^I want to emphasise what I wrote earlier: Hearing "I love you" from him is what you want but it's a short term solution based on delusion and wishful thinking if you don't already feel loved. Words might keep you around a while, telling yourself that he loves you, but if his behaviour isn't what you consider to be sufficient demonstration of love, then it never will be and the words will only be enough to carry you through for a short time. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/15/2008 12:07:22 AM |
When/is it, okay to ask?
Never, It’s not a get thing. Love is to be given. Its a priceless gift. The most valuable act. Its Beautiful & Priceless !! Untouched & Tender and very, very vulnerable. Its never ok to ask for it. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:44:34 AM | He wasn't talking to me. He was very drunk. He was talking to a mate. I overheard it. No......I wasn't eavesdropping....just happened to walk past as he said it.
So it begs another question. Is the words of someone under the influence usually the truth or just talk? Yeah I know......depends on the person. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:06:29 AM | OP - It's certainly ok to ask how he feels about you, but words are just words and some people (especially men) just can't say 'em.
I would focus less on whether or not he says the words "I love you", and more on whether he's treating you in ways that make you feel loved. Obviously, something is missing here. It's possible that throwing down the big L word won't make you feel any better.
If he said "I love you." and nothing else changed, would that make everything ok? | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:44:39 AM | | You dont ask. If he loves you he will tell you. He will want you to know. If he does not say it back then my guess is its becuase he does not love you. Does not matter how he has been hurt in the past. If he loves you , he is gonna tell you. | |
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| Is it okay to ask if he loves you back?
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:38:42 AM | Words are just bandaids for actions.
I think you've already answered your question - you *aren't* feeling the love.
Also, he might not know how to label his feelings - so he could love you or not, regardless of what he says.
I think it's time for a sit down discussion on "where is this relationship going" and if he wants to continue it, then he needs to understand that being considerate of you is important (like staying at the pub - that's childish, immature, and very inconsiderate - even if he loves you I wouldn't put up w/that crap)
Kaylie | |
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