| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:02:26 PM | | I think my ex (of 2 1/2 years) was cheating on me for approx. 6 weeks before we broke up. I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks but I recently just found out that she's now dating the guy she cheated on me with. I want to email her to get confirmation... A sort of "trouth will set you free" sort of menatlity I guess. I know that if i find out nothing will change. I just need to know. ... should I ask? | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:12:44 PM | | Should this be in "dating advice"? If so I apologize and I'll move it ASAP | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:27:28 PM | | You know the answer man. What would you accomplish? Give me an upside. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:33:06 PM | What's the point to finding out. What are you hoping to accomplishbesides torturing yourself?.
Move on with your life,nothing can be accomplished by looking in the rear view mirror in this istance. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:43:19 PM | Well, whether the truth sets you free is up to you particularly because you need to figure out which truth. The truth that she was not the woman you fell in love with and who you thought she was? That you already know. So you want confirmation so you can imagine God know's what?
You are better off walking away really clean because the answer to the question does not matter. Remember the good from the times when things were and try to forget the bad. You give yourself closure by really deciding that you do not want her because she was not good enough for you. No information from her will allow you to draw this conclusion; it comes from inside. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:58:28 PM | Do you really want to know? Is it going to kill you not to know?
I really don't think you should give her the satisfaction of knowing you're jealous.
If anything, knowing who she's with will bother you even more. When my ex cheated on me, I just had to know who it was. To this day it still bothers me knowing who he slept with. I kept imagining the two of them together. It hurts even more to know.
But it's your decision to make. Good luck! | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:07:17 PM | | I guess I don't want her thinking that she got away with it. I would want her to know that I know... even if I didn't find out until we had broken up.,,, | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:15:13 PM | But that is part of the problem. Who cares if she "got away with it?" It might make you feel better for like five minutes but you have to consider what you are accomplishing which is exactly nothing. People that cheat or otherwise gain things in a dishonest and hurtful way are generally their own undoing. She will either tank a relationship she really wants or someone will treat her the same way.
If she cared so little about doing it in the first place, what makes you think she will somehow feel remorse that you actually unequivocally know about it? Knowing you know is not going to cause her one moment of pain or probably even embarassment.
Perhaps a small part of you hopes she will say she was a horrible person and she realizes her mistake and wants you back.
What would you do if that were to happen? Do you want to be with someone that has already indicated that her solution to problems is not working them out but looking outside the relationship?
My kids firmly believe that their father cheated on me. I stopped caring whether he did or didn't a long time before we split. If he did, he was a fool and has even less character than I attribute to him now, so it does not benefit me or anyone else with suspicions to go digging around. It might make a difference if you were together but you are not and apparently should not be. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:17:09 PM | """you are better off walking away really clean because the answer to the question does not matter. Remember the good from the times when things were and try to forget the bad. You give yourself closure by really deciding that you do not want her because she was not good enough for you"""
That's the generally wise way to proceed, but bud, I am totally in your position too. Did you get any "explanation" from her when you broke up? If you want to do this, I suggest this further insanity causing approach: First, start writing down everything you can about the days leading up to the breakup, in particular WHAT DID YOU DO? Then, starting today, continue a diary about what kind of man you can be, and what kind of woman is right for you (of course "she" will be a stereotype, not the unique person you meet in the future).
If you were "Mr Wonderful" for the last couple weeks of your relationship, then there is nothing to do. If you were kind of a jerk to her, or selfish, or getting drunk, or your bad habits were showing..it means she finally figured it all out, and some people "use cheating" as a way to get out.
Then, if you want more confusion, go ahead and ask her....or set yourself a further 4 week "waiting period" until you do. By that time, you may not care, or who knows, she may come back to you (probably not). GOOD LUCK!
Edit: its really not important that you know if she was cheating, but it might be better to ask her "why did you break up with me". Since you did all that writing, you can expect what she will say too. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:22:06 PM |
I guess I don't want her thinking that she got away with it. I would want her to know that I know... even if I didn't find out until we had broken up.,,, And again, what will that change? Nothing. She still cheated and she is with him. Period. It doesn't matter how you justify doing it, it changes nothing. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:22:49 PM | | Somethings are just better left unknown. You ve already been hurt enough when you guys broke up. Why do that to yourself? What will it accomplish? Nothing! but more grief. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:23:56 PM | | well that is understandable in that since dude, i mean maybe if she knows she got caught she wont take that risk on another guy. it still kinda sucks it happened to you but you can help out other guys. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:04:25 AM | | No don't give her the satisfaction of telling u the answer! Just move on! | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:16:32 AM | Why set yourself up for more disappointment and possibly heartache?
Move on - take back the control and draw closure on this yourself.
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:17:12 AM | She knows what she did was wrong. She is probably done it before. She'll do it again.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
You are NOT going to teach her a lesson.
She already knows what she is.
What will you acomplish? Telling her you know she was cheating on you?
She won't be ashamed or feel bad because you know.
If she was that kind of person, the kind that feels bad when she cheated on you, she would have never done it! Don't you think?
Better Luck next time OP | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:25:51 AM | Mr Sponge,
1) You broke up approximately 130 weeks ago.
2) You know that you have not spoken in 3 weeks, um, but who's counting.
3) You are monitoring her dating.
4) Um, got away with what? (You said you don't want her to think that she got away with "it").
With respect, move on. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:31:16 AM | Do you really need that for a closure ?? or are you trying to get in contact with her unconsciuosly?
regards
maria | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:37:04 AM | | Confronting her is going to go NOWHERE. Besides you said you already know she cheated, why bother wasting your energy on her now or in the future? If you want to confront anyone, you could politely inform her new lover, if he doesn't already know, that she was directly involved with someone else when she began to date him--often history tends to repeat itself. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:00:57 AM | The best solution is to move on and take control of your life. What happens to her and her relationships now is moot. As long as you let this issue "brood", you will never heal and she will still have control of you. If it helps, do something safe and symbolic to get it out of your system. Take a trip, go out and meet other people, get a new hobby, run a 10k.
After being played like a violin by a masterin my previous relationship, I took a weekend and pushed myself physically to the max at the gym and on the trail, cleaned house and then went out to enjoy some live music. It really helped to flush the negative crap out of the head. Life goes on. It's too short to waste.
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:05:58 AM | Hi Spongebob 75! You are a good looking guy. You will have no problems finding someone who will want to hold on to you and treat you well. I would grab you up in a minute if you lived near me.
I know it's hard, but you have to face facts. She moved on and you should too.  | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:33:06 AM | Spongebob_75
Walk away sweeti she is not worth you worrying over, If she cheeted and only you know that. then she will always be a cheet at least this way it wont be you she is cheeting on?
There are Ladys out there that are Honest truthfull loving and FAITHFULL. She does not sound to be one of them. Walk away. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:39:46 AM | No, the truth will NOT set you free. And if you seek revenge, remember to dig TWO graves.
Don't just leave the relationship. Sever all ties to this person. Do not call them. Do not email them. Do not think about them. Lead your own life, and make it a good life, full of honesty, caring, and compassion.
No regrets. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:50:18 PM | | like the 1st few people said, it wont really help but sometimes you just have to know. | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:07:16 PM | Thanks to everyone for their replies... It'd good to know that I'm not alone. I've struggled so hard with this and I know what the best choice is. I want her to feel guilty though for what she has done. I want her to know that she didn't get away with it and how much of a lie her last words to me were. "I don't want to hurt you anymore" and "I know I can't date anyone for a long, long time."
However, I also don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much this bothers me. I've changed my phone number, my email and I've severed all ties with her. Yet I still find myself going on to Facebook to see how she is "struggling"(apparently partying her face) ... I know it's not healthy to do this. I know I'm better off now. I know that someone who books a trip to the Dominican Republic the day after I'm admitted to the hospital is not worth my time....
If I know all this, why am I finding it so hard? | |
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| What would you do?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:29:17 PM | Because she hurt you. And it takes time to heal. You can't just magically make the pain go away. It takes it's own sweet time. It sucks!!
I would take her off your facebook page too. Don't look at her profile. You're just prolonging the hurt. She's not worth it hun.
She probably already know s how much she hurt you. She may even feel guilty. But she wont ever admit it to you. And if she doesn't feel guilty at all for hurting you, than she's a cold hearted b*tch. She's the one missing out on a relationship with a great guy. | |
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