| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:16:19 AM | | Scenario...you are dating someone for a long time, you break up and are on rebound...you start dating someone new who might be a real great thing, but your having trusting issues...you never explain any of this to the person you are dating...that person tries, you try, but still you can't trust, communication is not all there...it ends up being a sexual relationship, although one day you realize that you have these incredible feelings for the person, is it to late to switch it around to something else? ....you try to communicate, but the person just doesn't really listen to you?...is it a little to late? | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:33:09 AM | it all comes down to you, from what i understand from your post, he has no idea about what you are going through.
Now while i totally believe rebound relationships are the one of the most pathetic/selfish relationships one can get into, there is no reason it can turn into something more.
It is you who who has had lack of trust towards this person, if you truly believe that mistrust and judgment is not there on your end, then you are healthy enough to move onto a meaningful relationship with this guy.
The communication obviously needs to be there along with the trust for the relationship to work.
So it is not too late to switch it around, but both of you have to want that in your hearts for it to happen.
My advice would be to tell this guy that at 1st he was a rebound, that you did not trust him at 1st because of past experiences, however you do now (if this is the case, if not tell him that you want to) and that your feelings for him are more real and honest now.
That will help you both to trust each other (him trusting you by hearing your honesty, and you by seeing his honest reaction)... and at the same time will start some communication.
Also, tell him you want more communication (from your post i can see that) be open with him and honest... If he is only in it for the sex, and not you, then my encouragement would be to get a life without him and enjoy single life , where you can focus on yourself, your trust issues etc. If he is in it for more, then together you will work it out.
hope that was of some help. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:11:04 AM |
you try to communicate, but the person just doesn't really listen to you?...is it a little to late?
depends on how hard it is to communicate. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:34:34 AM |
....you try to communicate, but the person just doesn't really listen to you?
Why doesn't he listen to you? Is it that you're communicating badly and he doesn't really understand what you're suggesting?
If so, then the issue isn't whether it's too late or not - it's finding a better way to communicate that you want to change the nature of the relationship.
If you're not communicating badly then it is too late because he understands what you want but has chosen to ignore your suggestion. In short, he prefers to gloss over the issue, by not acknowledging it, rather than tell you, outright, that he's not interested in anything other than a casual relationship. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:45:54 AM | | YES IT IS TOO LATE. Sex is the icing on the cake not the cake. This would never happen if a REAL friendship was made first. If you are in a relationship with someone that is not your VERY BEST friend it will most likely fail. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:52:29 AM | Its quite possible he isn't listening...b/c he doesn't want to.
He's boffing a hot chick with no connections? And she wouldn't trust him before, but now she says she wants to return to that same state of fustration?
see what I mean? He just might not want to listen to the fact that a change is being requested....normally, its not too late to change, but if he ain't listening.... | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:49:06 PM | Trust and not sex is the first thing a healthy relationship has to have to last long term.
If you can't communicate and you can't trust, well you have friends with benefits. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:22:39 PM | What???? Trusting, trying, more trying, and then sex? No wonder I haven't been getting any action. I need to find a totally tripped out drama queen. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:39:14 PM | Seaya --- It's not too late, but your task will be very difficult. I agree with the others, he probably isn't listening. Not because he thinks little of you. It's because he ALREADY has what he wants, and to change the dynamics means he might lose the great fun he's having....so why change? why listen?
Because you're gonna make it worth his while, that's why. Huh?
Let me break it down: When you first met him each of you was looking for a little something -- a little sex, a little attention, a little distraction from other issues, whatever. Fortunately, it worked for BOTH of you, at least in the short run.
Now your motivation has changed, so you want to change the dynamics of how you interact to get what you need NOW. Did HIS motivation change? Probably not. This is where you opportunity lies. Understand that you don't get something for nothing. So you are not going to get a loving, caring boyfriend just by asking for it --- it requires more devotion and attention from you as well. Understand? You GIVE more, you GET more.
Typically at this stage there is a reluctance to give more, because no one wants to get burned. Ouch! Well....most women might say you already gave up the cow, so you're already "all in". Most men might say you've got nothing left to give, there's nothing more he wants. Well....THAT'S WRONG.
You KNOW there is more to give, because you want a deeper relationship. That means more from each of you, and that "more" can be boundless. Your issue is how to get more from him without him resisting the gradual shift. How do you get him to buy in? Easy. Don't take away what he's already got.
This means don't boycott sex and demand devotion in one fell swoop.
This means don't blacklist his friends and demand more attention right away.
You have to take the hard road. You have to ask him to join you on that path to an emotional bond. Not literally. You ease him into it.
When you do to dinner, instead of Taco Bell, you say let's try a sit-down mexican place where they have more variety. Don't throw a fit if he says no. The point of this is feel him out to see where he's willing to go. Instead of the pool hall, sugguest the free concert at the park. Instead of a quickie at your place, sugguest a short hike first where you can just see what he says about everything you see. Before long he will start making suggestions about things other than sex. Then you're on the golden path.
The point here is to create spaces where he functions in a role other than just a sex zombie. Either he will grow into it and you will know him better, or he will fight every suggestion and you will know for sure that this guy is not worth the effort.
The key here is NOT TO GET UPSET AROUND HIM if he declines everything you suggest. Toss the pillows and break vases later. If you get upset in his face, it will only make him more resistant.
Good luck, remember it will take time, and there's no guarantee of success.
What I've describe here has a name...uh...some call it.....COURTSHIP.
Yes, you can do it AFTER sex. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:29:29 AM | | Most guys think women their having sex with have feelings for them anyway or they wouldn't be having sex. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:37:24 AM | This subject hits a little too close to home...
I agree w/giving him time and easing him into a different kind of relationship - bring him with you on this journey, don't drag him.
My situation is similar but he is the one w/the trust issues. We kinda ended up in a FWB b/c he said he wasn't ready to date after getting hurt badly last year (yes, even though he is the one who contacted me first).
We've been seeing each other 3 1/2 months now, even though he swears we aren't dating... bu tneither of us are seeing anyone else.
I am just trying ot be patient with him, not overly demanding, and also trying to remind myself not to get my hopes up that this will turn into a serious relationship from his perspective. And enjoy the ride for what it is.
A lot of ppl would say I'm nuts and gonna get hurt. And I might. But I also know that he is a "nurturer" by nature and has a lot of love to give - he's raising his kids, has pets, etc...not exactly a cold fish. And any time we have increased intimacy (physical or emotional) he tends to hide for a few days from me - this actually is getting better...he's not hiding as mcuh. But anyway, I figure anyone who does this is at least recognizing that we are sharing more than just sex.
I think the most important thing ot remember in a situation like yours is that you are dealing with an individual. He bleeds, cries, sneezes, and laughs just like you do. he is not every other man you've known. So try to be responsive to his cues, his needs, and also be true to your own feelings and your own needs. Remember, you only want what he can freely give you - you can't demand love, affection, intimacy, or commitment - he has to want to share that with you. In that same vein, you're feelings for him are independent of his feelings for you. If you fall in love with him, those feelings are YOURS and they are ok to have, regardless of how he feels about you. Feelings are like deodorant - we all have our own and we don't put them on other people. (LOL)
Kaylie | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:44:15 AM |
you try to communicate, but the person just doesn't really listen to you?...is it a little to late?
Seaya
From the little info you provide
one can only go in superficially
so for all it's worth.......
YUP, I'd say it's past time to move on.
If he isn't angry, there is at least the possibility
that he BLAMES you for not immediately putting
him on that 'pedestal', you must suffer the consequences
ETERNALLY!
[not really...but HE thinks you need to] | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:04:45 AM | What? Something wrong with a sexual relationship? Then, all of a sudden you want more? No wonder you women drive guys nuts!
Next time, try being honest and up-front...this time...hmmm...maybe it is too late, maybe not. Try making that communication effort again and again...then you have to leave the ball in the other ones court and abide by his decision. Maybe he doesn't want you as "more". His choice...not yours. But he may have sense enough to at least try. Good luck! | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:22:17 PM |
....you try to communicate, but the person just doesn't really listen to you?...is it a little to late?
huh what, did you say something? lol (sorry, couldn't let that slip past! lol)
When you say: you try to communicate, what does he do?
For eg:
Seaya: hey honey, I have really grown to like our times together, I'd really like to take this to the next level....
BF: huh, where'd I put the remote, btw, did you finish off the pizza I brought over last time?
Why not try something totally new? Tell him exactly how you feel and what you want......if he says things like: Hey, what we have now is all I want, or anything else, you have your answer. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:44:15 AM |
This would never happen if a REAL friendship was made first. If you are in a relationship with someone that is not your VERY BEST friend it will most likely fail.
eh, this is a pretty dire prediction. i really hope this is not true. b/c i have never been best friends with the guys i date, so am i doomed to failure too?
gees, i hope not... | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:46:45 AM | WackMC, i LOVE your comments.  think i'll try them myself...hmmm... | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:19:14 AM |
If you are in a relationship with someone that is not your VERY BEST friend it will most likely fail.
Who wrote that? I must have missed it because that is so the opposite of true.....I have yet to meet a woman who a) considers their partner "their best friend" and b) who has ever made the transition from 'friend' to "partner".
Those two relationships are totally different and contain different dynamics.
For eg: I have a "best" friend who is male, we think alike, talk alike, and people think we're brothers. Would I have sex with him? Not on your life! (lol not that there's anything wrong with that lol).
IMO one needs friends, and one needs lovers (or just one if you're so inclined). I mean really, there are some things your partner doesn't need to know. Like that time you and some college buddies went to Tijuana and ended up at a donkey show lol. She SO doesn't need to know about THAT lol (no no no, never been to Tijuana really! lol) | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:23:27 AM | | Too late to stop living your life like it was a soap opera? No, it is never too late for that. You have to get yourself some new plot lines. They can be found in classic literature or in good modern novels. Your local university probably has a course on romantic literature that you could take even without enrolling as a full time student. They would have you read a few books, from which you would find a whole new universe of relationship ideas, broadening your mind, enabling you to view your love life in terms much greater than can be found watching Sex and the City. (Romantic literature as in Romanticism, not Harlequin.) | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:39:23 AM | You used him and now he's repaying the favor.
Emotionally hes long gone sweety. Youre just easy to bed, so he's taking what he can get with no investment.
Congrats. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:11:17 PM | | People don't learn how to communicate over night. If one is not doing it now, he or she surely will not magically begin in the next 24 hours. That is not to say that one cannot learn, but it takes time and commitment. If he or she is not willing to do either you are dead in the water. Chances are, a person who does know how to communicate with you also does not know how with anyone else. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:01:38 PM | communication is not all there...it ends up being a sexual relationship, although one day you realize that you have these incredible feelings for the person, is it to late to switch it around to something else? ....you try to communicate, but the person just doesn't really listen to you?...is it a little to late?
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It's not too late until things are ending...so get with the program. GET OUT YOUR PEN AND PAPER.....what do you need to talk about, what does he need to know, what do you need to know, what are you willing to reveal...what do you want, etc.
Don't shock him with this. make him a "love sandwich" and thats not a threesome, with umm, you as the tomato. Get him feeling secure, gently mention something important, let him go with the ball, then you talk more, if this stalls, let him know you like him and healthy couples talk about these things (some might disagree, saying "If you are having 'heavy talks' that's too much drama").
Later, or next day, write in your diary what went on, because in 3 months or 6 months...someone might be having issues or have a different story...
IF THEY CAN'T OR WON'T COMMUNICATE, figure out their "love language", are they visual, sensory, verbal, emotional, factual etc.
In the meantime..have a good time and keep it lite. | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:13:35 PM | i once wrote: the only thing that can come too late is, "i love you"...
don't know if this fits but...there ya go.
dave | |
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| ...a little to late..?
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:18:55 PM |
you break up and are on rebound...you start dating someone new who might be a real great thing
This right here says this new "relationship" is doomed to fail. Rarely do "rebound" relationships turn into something long lasting. Not only that but you have brought up the fact there are trust issues and a lack of or willingness to communicate. Since this thing is basically sexual sadly that is where it will most likely remain. Any good, long lasting strong relationship has to have 100% trust and COMMUNICATION, anything less and it WILL fail. I hope it works out for you, good luck. | |
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