| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:12:14 AM | It is hardly news that I am not close to my family- I have not seen my mother for years...and that suits me just fine.
I only usually have to give one example of her unbelievable behaviour for people to understand....it is not the worst but:
When my son was almost two I passed out in a club and was taken to hospital (ruptured appendix, not dodgy holiday food as I thought). My friend went to my house, paid the babysitter and stayed the night. Next morning she phoned ma to come and collect her grandson. Mother of course was too busy (three full time domestic staff and no job)...but Claire explained that she had to work, and that while she had been happy to help, he was hardly her responsibility. So ma picks him up, takes him to social services and gets them to find him a foster home.
First I knew was when the social worker arrived at the hospital and informed me "they don't get kids like him in care; loved, wanted and in no way neglected!" She was pretty horrified. As soon as I was able to be up (about a week) I went and collected him.
I could give you more, but we all have sob stories. I gave up wanting her to be different, and opted for friends rather than family.
I have just found out ill-health has forced her back to the UK after years of avoiding UK tax, she is in serious need of health care, and her husband could no longer cope.
Apparently she is in Norfolk (where I think one brother and one sister live)...
She has some sort of dementia, and although she would know I was one of her daughters, she would not know much else...she would not connect me with Sam...so there is no chance of tearful apologies and reconcilliation...
The question I ask forumites is, should I continue with my nice happy life. Should I get in touch, see her, maybe even offer to help with her care? | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:15:44 AM | Miz,
I really can't give an answer to this, but just simply say your in my thoughts with this one.
Whatever you choose will be the RIGHT decision.
Although my parents are no longer around reading your poigniant post has just reminded me how lucky I really was. (am.)
Good luck. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:17:48 AM | Hmm difficult one, I too am in a similar situation, well over a decade since I had contact with my Mother and that is my choice .
I think your problem lis in what you have yourself written. You criticised your Mother, quite rightly, for her actions in respect of your Son etc. Now you have to decide whether two, or many more it would appear, wrongs equal no right.
Maybe the question is; how would you feel if you didn't make contact and she died next month? Would you be okay with that or would there be some regret. Additionally how would your Son feel? Answer those questions and you have your answer. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:19:02 AM | The question I ask forumites is, should I continue with my nice happy life. Should I get in touch, see her, maybe even offer to help with her care?
i think you should do what your heart tells you to do, and what will enable you to carry
on with a clear conscience after her time here has ended.
i'm quite sure that you know the answer deep down x | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:23:29 AM | | This is a really hard call.I can understand your feelings after what she did but at the end of the day we only have one mother.My real dad was abusive to mum and they finally divorced when i was 15.My dad had custody of my 3 younger siblings as he had a house and in those days mum struggled to find anyone to help her so she cdould have us children with her.When i was 20 my dad was taken into hospital(cancer) and i moved back in to look after the younger ones even though i hated him for his treatment of mum and i would go visit him in hospital.Maybe just go visit her but only you know what your prepared to give.I am in know way judging you on this as it is understandably a very tough decision.Whatever your choice i wish you all the best. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:25:03 AM | Like Leanne said, you must do what your heart tells you. You are in full control of yourself and any regrets (or for that matter, joy) can only be the result of your own action.
Just ensure you can be at peace with yourself; you do not have to sleep with anyone -- but you have to sleep with yourself. Nobody have a right to critise you but yourself.
And by the way you have worded your subject, I think we know which way you are leaning to. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:27:40 AM | Awe honney I realy feel for you! Words cannot describe and I can't begin to imagine how this must feel.
This is just what I think I might feel under the situation.
Phew, I think yes we should forgive after all there my be other issues for her, but never never forget. Keep yourself protected.
Forgiving helps kind of getting over.
I'm sure you'll do what you think is right, at least if you knew she was being looked after OK by someone then you don't have to worry about her.
Please though don't feel guilty over any decision, but remember we only have one life and one biological Mum.
Always get in touch yes but as for offering your help that is for you to decide if you can, and if you can take the emotions,but two wrongs don't make a right.
At least if you try and it doesn't work out you know you have tried and can be at peace.
Just all the best hun and yes your happiness and your son's, is of prior importance .   | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:28:24 AM | | I know nothing of your relationship with your mother and her reasons for treating you as she does but she is still your mother and once she is gone she is gone of the options maybe forgive is the best as it will probably be impossible for you to ever forget. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:29:49 AM |
Maybe the question is; how would you feel if you didn't make contact and she died next month? Would you be okay with that or would there be some regret. Additionally how would your Son feel?
My son died in a car accident, she organised the funeral (to get it out of the way before Christmas)- before waiting to find out if I would come out of my coma.
How would I feel if she dies...I have no idea. I know there are many on here that have had similar problems with parents, and wondered how they have dealt with stuff... | |
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cargy
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Joined: 10/13/2006
Msg: 11 | |
| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:34:51 AM | If your Mater was consistent to HER own standards, then it's unreasonable to expect her to have acted differently. That's not to say she was right in what she did but, in her mind, she probably had her own (to her, at least) reasons for her choices at the time.
You exercised your choice to discontinue the relationship based on your reasons. Whether those reasons are still valid is impossible to say unless the status quo changes. There is now new data to be put into the equation, and don't forget; people change over time.
I wonder what would be gained from "tearful reconciliation and apologies"? It almost sounds as if you need to hear "You were right". Does it truly matter? Or have you been cutting off your nose to spite your face? Only you can decide.
It seems like a great opportunity to put the past behind, and to see if you can forge a new relationship before it's too late, but there is a risk of old wounds being opened unless you can both put the past behind. If her memory is so bad that she doesn't recall the circumstances of alienation, then it follows that she will be confused as to her "missing" daughter.
It could also be the last chance to forgive and forget while your mother's still alive. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:42:24 AM | Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to love her, if she was someone entirely unrelated to you and she had behaved the way she had would you even be asking these questions.
Yes I know 'family' and all that bølløcks, but as far as I am concerned love is earned not just given by blood connection.
That's my opinion, and I am in a similar position myself with my brother who made my parents life hell with his drug taking etc. etc. so I have chosen to disown him. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:42:56 AM | Cargy your post makes a lot of sense but unfortunately sometimes somebody is just a bad egg,and sadly that bad egg can be your own parent.
I am sure the OP would like to think that yes she could help her own mother and try to turn their relationship around, but for someone to treat her own daughter and grandchild in such a way is just appalling behaviour.I always tend to go by the theory of help others if you can as one day you may need that help yourself but in this instance i really dont know if i could.
Good luck with your descision OP i wish you well. | |
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cargy
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Joined: 10/13/2006
Msg: 14 | |
| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:52:37 AM | Cargy your post makes a lot of sense but unfortunately sometimes somebody is just a bad egg,and sadly that bad egg can be your own parent
But a bad egg by who's standards? Clearly the OP's mother didn't believe she was doing wrong. She probably believed that what she was doing was best for her daughter under the circumstances, and the OP was not in a position to ask.
I've seen it happen when my sister died in 1984. Her boyfriend's mother tried to "help" by going into their flat and removing (and in some cases disposing of) my sister's things before her funeral had even been organised.
It wasn't done to upset me or my family (although it naturally did). The lady was close to my sister, and it was just what she thought was "the right thing to do"
In her mind she probably felt hurt that her well-intentioned actions caused ructions and hatred.
As another poster said:
At least if you try and it doesn't work out you know you have tried and can be at peace | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:01:34 AM | The decision is one only you can make Miz, we can all spout for or against but we don't have to live with the choice you make.
I hope you can reach a decision you are comfortable with. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:01:05 AM | "Mother of course was too busy (three full time domestic staff and no job)...but Claire explained that she had to work, and that while she had been happy to help, he was hardly her responsibility. So ma picks him up, takes him to social services and gets them to find him a foster home. "
therin lies the answer methinks. I dont think she deserves anymore of your time. I may be biased as I didnt get on with my mother but for any parent to behave in this callous way, pretty much all is lost | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:14:50 AM |
The question I ask forumites is, should I continue with my nice happy life. Should I get in touch, see her, maybe even offer to help with her care?
No one can answer that question for you.
But if i were you, i'd ring her. Leave the past behind.
To forgive is better than to forget. Or is it the other way round?
Regret is not a great thing. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:24:37 AM | I don't know if it was my parents who said it, but one thing I remember from my life is that "You make your bed, you lie in it"............
............you have made your choice, ableit, in the past..............but there is no reason for you not to get up and re-make that bed the way you would like it to be now.........you don't have to lie on it with lumps in it.............
Good luck with whatever path you choose to travel on.....................  | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:53:30 AM | Do you feel you owe her anything?
Would you feel any guilt if you didn't contact her?
Do what's best for you.
If it were me, in the situation you've described, I wouldnt contact her. She made her choices, you mde yours. Only change your choice if you feel you might suffer as a result. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:59:10 AM | Miz, best thing you can do is listen to yourself, nobody can tell you what you should or should not do as regarding your family. Nobody can feel what you felt, no matter how much they will sympathise.
My stepmother was evil, a violent bully, snide, derogatory and i hope and prey that when she goes her lifetime in eternity is one of sufferance, i have not spoken to her or my father in eleven years, have no intentions of doing so and nothing will sway me.
That is my own take on it, my own choice and people around me understand that it is as such, if you are asking people what they think then maybe you have doubts in your own mind. Take time out to listen to your own thoughts, only you and you alone can give the right answer you are looking for. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:03:37 AM | I'm sorry to read about your dilema Miz...
I can't advise you what to do except just think about it before you make a decision...
There are some things you can forgive people for and some things you can't forget. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:48:00 AM |
She has some sort of dementia, and although she would know I was one of her daughters, she would not know much else...she would not connect me with Sam...so there is no chance of tearful apologies and reconcilliation...
This line in your OP stands out the most to me and is very telling of what you feel you know is the right thing to do.
You've clearly suffered a lot of deep emotional hurt at the hands of your mother and it was wise to preserve your emotional health by cutting off contact for a while but I think that you also wanted to punish her and perhaps make her see what it's like to be treated so coldly and to lose a child.
The fact that you have written that now that your mother is sufferring from dementia there is little hope of there being complete reconcilliation as in her being compos mentis enough to acknowledge the wrong she has done you finally therefore depriving you of any satisfactory resolution to your ongoing hurt tells me that you may have always held the hope that she would reach out to you to make amends. But now that she doesn't have that ability anymore you are the one who is in the position of needing to take that responsibility because she can't.
I think you need to see your mother and to connect again with your siblings for the sake of closure at the very least and who knows, things may turn out better than you could expect. And I would consider you a very brave person for doing something so difficult and I hope it goes well for you. | |
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:53:51 PM |
I hope you can reach a decision you are comfortable with
I think that Hula is spot on, the decision you make has to be one you're comfortable with, we can all give arguements for and against but ultimately you have to live with your decision. What I would do or anyone else would do doesn't matter, it's your choice.............BUT...... just remember once your mother's mind has gone completely there's no way the clock can be turned back.
Good Luck my dear
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/16/2008 2:43:50 PM | You made your choices, your mother made hers and you both lived with that for a long time, your mom has found her peace in forgetting.
Perhaps its not about forgive or forget...but simply to accept.
Peace can often be found in aceptance, sometimes its found just by asking the questions, not always in the answers
I remember reading a line once that said,
"Indecision in itself is the only answer you need. Because when you really want something, you wont be feeling indecisive..."
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| Forgive or Forget?
Posted: 5/16/2008 2:56:06 PM | | People say that blood is thicker than water but it seems to be an excuse for treating family members in a poor way that you know other people would not put up with. Your friends are the people than have chosen to stay by your side and are the people that are there for you because they want to be. Do not feel guilty about your mother, she has made the decisions in her life that have led her to where she is now. She made the decision not to take care of her own grandchild when he needed her. | |
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