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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:50:24 AM | I feel like I am forced to ask this. There are some great people here who I get on with nicely but I find for the most part, even if a womans profile says lively, outgoing, talktative, friendly. Most do not reply at all. Some do, but with a single sentence and it makes me wonder; It has been the way of the internet that sickos will prey on people and so people protect themselves from it. But it is now becoming clear that a lot of women do not seem to be the way the describe on their profile (I realise men do this too). There is no indication of those qualities they mentioned. It appears more like being judgemental and rude before the fact. Guilty until proven innocent, as if there is a way to do that haha!!
My question is, and I ask because I hear horror stories every day about this from female friends.... Have the men here hurt women so badly that all faith has been lost for some of you?
I mean even to the point where a reply to see if a guy has a sense of humour or what his taste in music might be, if there is any actualty in him rather than just waffle!?!?
I've been heartbroken courtesy of the net as well but I don't want to let it ruin my faith in women and I definitely won't let it ruin my online social circles. I'm utterly confused these days as to why people don't even have it in them to say hello and suss a person out before making up their minds. Many would say that is not a character, but you all seem nice from what you wrote on your profiles, does that mean you're fakers aswell?
Thanks to anybody who took the time to read all that and thanks in advance if you thought it was worthy of a reply :) | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:14:23 AM | I have lost faith in people in general, if you want to know the truth.
In men, because of the way I've been treated by the ones I've known and met. Because of some of the stuff I see them do personally, and because of stuff I've seen done to friends of mine. It just doesn't seem like there are any men (where I live) that actually want to be in a relationship. And why should they, in this day and age, they can always just get a FWB, and keep their freedom, right? As long as there are people who will settle for FWB, there will be other people who have no need for a real realationship.
I've lost faith in women because I know the same thing is happening to a lot of men, I read it right here every day.
To answer your question, I think a lot of women have lost faith in men, but I think that's just because it's men we are having relationships with. I can totally see how a lot of men have lost faith in women for the same reasons.
I think it's more the fact that people in general (not gender specific) just don't care about others anymore. ME ME ME is all anyone seems to think about, "it's all about ME." No one (who I have come in contact with) is really looking for what they proclaim to be looking for on their profiles. They can go on all day about how they are looking for their soul mate, or their "best friend" or the person they want to grow old with, but what it comes down to is that I would guess that 90% of the men on these sites are looking for one-nighters. When they find out that's not happening, they disappear.
It's to the point that the more someone goes on about looking for the "love of his life" or soul mate, the more I think he's full of hooey, and avoid him. It's kinda like how the ones who say "not into games" are THE game players of the universe.
I have no doubt in my mind that there are women with profiles who are NOT looking for what they claim to be looking for either, and after enough guys meet enough of those women, they start to lose faith too.
It gets really disheartening after enough of it. I've already deleted one profile I had on POF for two years, in disgust. I just didn't have the heart to do it anymore. I opened this one, gave it another short try, and then hid THIS profile from the searches, and just play on the forums now. There's really not much else for me here.
All that being said, I do still have hope that one day there will be someone who truly wants a relationship, and will want it with me. I keep thinking "when is it going to be my turn? when is someone going to want me for real?" No matter what happens, I'm not going to quit hoping to meet that person someday. I will remain open to meeting new people and keep taking risks. Having lost faith in people in general doesn't mean that I "give up." Giving up would only ensure that I never meet that person I'm hoping to meet. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:22:39 AM | There's really not much else for me here.
With that attitude, what do you expect? You sound as if you've already made up your mind that no one is for you. Keep trying til you come across someone that you can connect with and take it from there, slowly. Take it from me, you got a great personality so I really don't see why you're so down on yourself.
Beachy, it's their loss. OK? | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:28:58 AM | That's a real good reply thanks for taking the time.
I get you with all the things about it not being gender specific but one thing is common among men who are doing the right thing and those who aren't but it isn't common among women. Men reply, I agree most are probably out for what they can get hence the reply but, what if somebody realllly does just want new circles?
Your reply almost makes it sound as if it is better for me to lie on my profile in order to get contact. But what will that get me in the long run? I will get blamed and accused of being a player because I wasn't honest to begin with.
I mean with the thing about "looking for the love of my life". I do happen to be looking for love it happens to happen for me. You are suggesting though that by being that open I might actually be causing suspicion? Online isn't the place for lovers or those finding love then? I'm becoming certain of that after the messes I have been put through haha.
Hence my new thingy, Mates not Dates!!! I want to know people but I'm not interested in getting hurt anymore so pleeeeease, just do one favour and say what you mean on your profile. Or at least indicate that you might not be as talkative and bubbly as you faked me into believing because you look as bad as those men who did theee worst things to you.
Thanks again. Soapbox is away now  | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:29:00 AM | Jim, I'm not down on myself, I know what I have to offer to the right person...but someone's got to WANT that, before I can do anything with it.
I said there's nothing else HERE for me. I've met or been ignored by everyone on POF (and several other sites) who I would be interested in, that is in the geographical area that I can search. I'm not giving up, I will just use other avenues to meet people.
The online dating thing has never been good for me, and I really don't know anyone for whom it has. I've never met anyone from an online service that wasn't constantly online still looking for something better. I just do better with people I meet in real life, that's all. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:37:04 AM | Men reply?? I rarely EVER get replies to any emails I send out. I don't know why in the world you'd think it was any different. I probably get a reply to 2% of the emails I initiate. And I typically email average joe types, I'm not interested in "pretty boys." The problem is that even the average joes in my age group think they should have a 20-something to hang on their arm, and ignore women their own age.
If I don't reply it's because of the abusive jerks who ruin it for everyone and have to send vulgar, disgusting emails in reply to "thanks but I'm not interested" email.
Since I don't know which ones of you are going to call me a c*nt for not being interested, it's easier to not reply at all.
I don't know if men get that kind of stuff too, but if you are still sending out replies even when you aren't interested, I'd have to guess you don't get those emails.
I don't think you should lie on your profile. I think there are many men who are looking for just what you are looking for, but just like everything else, the jackasses and players are ruining it for you. They have learned to write a profile with all the little catch-phrases and lines that they think women want to hear, and are using them to score with women who are looking for "long term."
It's not fair to you, but it's also not fair that there are women saying the exact same things, but are really looking for someone to support them and their kids, just a source of income.
I guess I just think that everyone should put on their profile what they really want, so people like you and me could meet other people like you and me, and not waste our time with people like I described above. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:38:02 AM | Okay... after my last relationship (2 years of hell) - I made myself alittle deal... I told myself that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than with someone who doesn't treat me right! the way I treat them.. the way I deserve to be treated... with that in mind.. I got over it.. healing.. being Ok with just being me.. being ok with going out with the girls, being ok with going to eat alone, or go to the movies alone - just being happy with my life as is... because there is NO guarentee that you are going to ever meet that one significant person.. and if you have any chance at all of sharing your life with someone I think that can only happen if YOU are satisfied with YOU.. if you dont adore yourself how is anyone else suppose to adore you?! Everyone has weak moments.. and everyone loses faith sometimes.. but its one of those things that I think keeps people going.... Ive been on 10000 bad dates.. Ive made a lot of friends off of bad dates and yes it gets discouraging.. haha.. but its life and I find I could really care less because at the end of the day I have myself...
you've got to be your own best friend.. and if you're lucky someone will come along and respect the hell out of that! | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:38:11 AM | I feel the same too Beachy but I still keep all my options open. And even though I have yet to get a date from an online site, I'm still here. Profile, big mouth and all.
And who's to say those people you meet in real life won't be online or somewhere else looking? It's the chance you take.
I honestly hope you find what you're looking for. Just don't disappear completely from here. And just remember those same men that are calling you names are at least showing themselves up front for who they really are. It's truly their loss. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:41:24 AM | Lol. Jim, you're always such a sweetheart.
Anyway, I wouldn't know anything about women not answering their emails the same way they wrote out their profile...I don't message women. Lol. BUT! I do have a question for you, OP:
How would you know that
...but one thing is common among men who are doing the right thing and those who aren't but it isn't common among women. Men reply... It would be hard to find this out unless you've been running around contacting males and women in order to compare the two ... just so you could come up with this conclusion..
Don't take me wrong, please. I am not trying to tear you down, nor be mean... I'm just saying, how do you know all men reply? I can, honestly, say that they do not. Not all of them at least. Some do, some don't. It's the same with women in that sense.
Also, I have gotten plenty of messages from 'good hearted', 'soft natured', 'loving', 'caring' men... and it seriously did not turn out to be that way.
Maybe some women are just like men in that they are selling themselves up, but in all reality are not what they type. That's not true of all of us, I'm sure. :) | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:41:39 AM | | I think beachy and jim should go relax on the beach this weekend.. with some drinks! | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:45:36 AM | I think beachy and jim should go relax on the beach this weekend.. with some drinks!
Beachy's my friend. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way because she's a descent person. Some of the men around here could use a good ass kicking for being that way toward her. Courtesy of me. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:59:55 AM | Jim, you are a sweetie. I did say I will always keep my options open, I'm not going to turn down a chance, and I'm always willing to take a risk if I think someone is right for me.
I'm not going to disappear from here, I just don't really use the site for dating anymore. I will still be around the forums(between bannings, of course. LOL)...the forums are what I was talking about when I said "there's really nothing else for me here." I still look around in my area from time to time to see if there's anyone new, but nothing much changes. I will keep my profile hidden because the only emails I get are from people in their 20's and in their 50's-60's, or from people hundreds of miles away, and it's just a waste of time. If I see someone that interests me, I can still email them.
I just see so many people putting so much faith in the online thing, and I really wish they wouldn't. You can't take this too seriously and you can't take it personally, or you'll go crazy. There are DISPROPORTIONATELY more people online who see this as a game than there are people who are looking for something genuine. The internet is just The New Bar Scene. Those are just my feelings after doing it for over two years. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:05:45 AM | Haha, Jim, don't go kicking any asses on my account. Like I said, I have learned not to take this stuff seriously, and I've learned that I don't get those abusive replies if I don't reply in the first place.
I'm not the only one who has learned this tactic, it's widespread. I just want guys to know that when women don't reply, it's nothing personal, it's just that we don't know which guys are going to go all Jekyll and Hyde on us, so we don't chance it. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:05:45 AM | Cleverly worded "no replies" thread.
OP - No, people (in general) have not lost faith in the opposite sex or none of us would be here on a singles site trying to find someone.
No response or minimal response from an an outgoing, talkative, friendly, fun person means they are not interested in being outgoing, talkative, friendly, & fun with you.
Sorry 
Krys | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:07:49 AM | | Limeshines, Jim is in the mountains! Now if he were in Wilmington or Holden Beach, maybe Nags Head, we would be in business. LOL! | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:15:29 AM | No - I have not lost faith in men. Have I been hurt ~ yes. Have I felt I've sometimes been misled ~ yes. Have I set myself up to be letdown at times ~ yes. Have I survived and learned from the experiences ~yes! Am I better for them ... I think so!
Preface: OP ~ this is not meant to imply that you respond or handle things in the following, but rather some general comments instead.
Here's what I know. People are human and each is unique. Each of us has our own set of guidelines we've developed that cause us to respond to each situation we encounter. Some are calloused, cold, unresponsive, misleading, cruel, judgmental, poor communicators, unwilling or just plain ugly people. Some are simply not confident enough, fear rejection, hate to say no, don't want to hurt another ... etc, etc. Regardless of what caused them to be this way, or respond or not respond, I don't let their actions or inactions control my future. I am a firm believer that I have to be willing to take some risks to ultimately get what I want. I don't take it personally when someone vents their frustration, chooses not to respond, sends what I think is an inappropriate emial, doesn't want a second date, etc., etc.
Too often, I hear both men and women describe themseves (in round about ways) as being a victim when someone doesn't respond they way we think they should. And just as often, they don't take any personal responsibility when hurt or wronged. They are quick to point the finger and play the martyr, and allow the hurt to keep them from picking up, learning from the experience and moving on. This is not to say that they have not been mistreated. But it is to say that taking ownership of the part they played and learning how to prevent (when possible) a similar experience in the future, will go a long way to overcoming a lack of faith in the opposite sex (if this is in fact the goal).
It is all a matter of perception! With every experience, my perception will guide my own actions and thats all I am responsible for! The part I play ... nothing more ... nothing less. I try not to let previous experienes with any number of men keep me from having faith that there are a still some really great men and women out there! The key is ... not letting the "not so great" ones cloud your judgement, cause you to become jaded or prevent you from taking the chances necessary to find the good ones.
As with anything ... it's' a numbers game ... play the game long enough and eventually you will be the winner!
~ keepin it real | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:19:00 AM | I think beachy and jim should go relax on the beach this weekend.. with some drinks!
I agree. Beachy, next time I hit Marietta to visit mom and sis and the family, I will stop by with a nice BIG pitcher of Margaritas! You sound like you could use one today. : )
Limeshines, Jim is in the mountains! Now if he were in Wilmington or Holden Beach, maybe Nags Head, we would be in business. LOL!
How strange, the other half of my family (my mom's sister and brother in law) is in the mountains in NC, built a house on land and retired there...y'all are freaking me out today.
OT: I actually have noticed a major difference in mankind, more than one specific gender. Men don't seem to be bad people, but they seem to be dangerous to get involved with depending on the decade they're living in (20s, 30s, 40s, etc). I can honestly look back on all the past relationships I've had where I was hurt and see exactly what happened - and it was never about setting out to hurt me as much as I got in the way of something else that was going on. I have a tougher skin tho; being raised in a family where some relatives took advantage, you learned to be on your guard with everyone. So by the time I got around the age where I was dealing with men, I was sort of a veteran with the defense mechanisms.
I'm sure men can say the same for women. The biggest thing I see is people who won't at least look at themselves as part of the reason they're getting hurt, or realizing a bad choice knowingly is somewhat partly their fault.
And yes, guys - men are just as bad about not responding/deleting messages. The difference is, as I stated in another thread not too long ago, is that women seem to be better at handling it...I think men assume we don't because we don't complain about it as much (unless specifically asked).
Ok, Chicky, just let me know when! I used to work in Marietta, though it's about an hour from home. I won't EVER turn down a margarita! LOL!
Ok, will do - I hear ya! I won't turn one down either, that's just silliness! Haha | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:21:05 AM | | Ok, Chicky, just let me know when! I used to work in Marietta, though it's about an hour from home. I won't EVER turn down a margarita! LOL! | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:39:30 AM |
How strange, the other half of my family (my mom's sister and brother in law) is in the mountains in NC, built a house on land and retired there...y'all are freaking me out today.
I'll even go one further and tell you I'm originally from NC (the piedmont region)and went to WCU, right there in those mountains, a million years ago. LOL! | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:02:40 AM | "Okay... after my last relationship (2 years of hell) - I made myself alittle deal... I told myself that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than with someone who doesn't treat me right! the way I treat them.. the way I deserve to be treated... with that in mind.. I got over it.. healing.. being Ok with just being me.. being ok with going out with the girls, being ok with going to eat alone, or go to the movies alone - just being happy with my life as is... because there is NO guarentee that you are going to ever meet that one significant person.. and if you have any chance at all of sharing your life with someone I think that can only happen if YOU are satisfied with YOU.. if you dont adore yourself how is anyone else suppose to adore you?! Everyone has weak moments.. and everyone loses faith sometimes.. but its one of those things that I think keeps people going.... Ive been on 10000 bad dates.. Ive made a lot of friends off of bad dates and yes it gets discouraging.. haha.. but its life and I find I could really care less because at the end of the day I have myself..."
I think you misunderstood, you seem to think for some reason I am inconfident or shy or some how in pain that this happens but no, I am OK, proper settled into my single life and simply wondering how such mistrust came about when everybody knows, its men and women that are playing games. Not just the men and not just the women. At some point surely we have to get over it and at least say hi to somebody.
You said your own bad experience made you think that you would rather be alone, but thats not what my question was. I understand people not replying because they hurt or are uncertain, but they still write encouraging and friendly things in their profiles.
Doesnt seem right, whose playing who? | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:04:40 AM |
Cleverly worded "no replies" thread.
Im sorry? Can you explain what that means, there seem to have been quite a few replies and I am certain that I left more than one question. The rest of it was simply my view on the issue. How did you come to the conclusion above? Thanks for letting me know. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:14:51 AM | She meant that this is a cleverly worded "why am I getting no replies to my emails" thread.
The point is, no matter what someone has in their profile, however friendly they may seem, not being interested in you doesn't mean they aren't friendly people. They might just be very friendly people who have no interest in you. I don't think that every guy who ignores my emails is just a jerk with a fake profile, I just figure I'm not what he's looking for.
I already told you why many women don't reply. We don't have ESP, we don't know which guys are genuinely good guys and which ones are going to go all psycho on us. Not replying doesn't necessarily have anything to do with whether or not they are as friendly as their profile says they are. | |
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| Have you lost faith in men?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:21:22 AM |
No - I have not lost faith in men. Have I been hurt ~ yes. Have I felt I've sometimes been misled ~ yes. Have I set myself up to be letdown at times ~ yes. Have I survived and learned from the experiences ~yes! Am I better for them ... I think so!
Preface: OP ~ this is not meant to imply that you respond or handle things in the following, but rather some general comments instead.
Here's what I know. People are human and each is unique. Each of us has our own set of guidelines we've developed that cause us to respond to each situation we encounter. Some are calloused, cold, unresponsive, misleading, cruel, judgmental, poor communicators, unwilling or just plain ugly people. Some are simply not confident enough, fear rejection, hate to say no, don't want to hurt another ... etc, etc. Regardless of what caused them to be this way, or respond or not respond, I don't let their actions or inactions control my future. I am a firm believer that I have to be willing to take some risks to ultimately get what I want. I don't take it personally when someone vents their frustration, chooses not to respond, sends what I think is an inappropriate emial, doesn't want a second date, etc., etc.
Well said freetoo!
It's too easy for a person, male or female to get bitter, jaded or cynical after dealing with bad relationships or experiences. We all have been used, abused, taken advantage of, or had our expectations crushed. Sometimes it's purely the fault of the other party, sometimes we bear a share a part of the blame for getting in a bad situation we should have avoid.
Not all guys are looking for one nighters. Some of us are seeking companionship, someone to share more than just a meal and a bed. Some of us respond to every email as politely as possible. And some of us actually look like our pictures. 
After all the turmoil I've been though in life, I still believe in people. If I didn't I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't still vote, pay taxes, donate blood, and help folks out. I'd be at the local pub with all the local bitter lemons. Life with all it's challenges is pretty awesome most of the time.
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