| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:52:27 PM | I'm about to have a birthday, and there have been a few things in life that are giving me a reality check.
I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, and am currently waiting test results to find out if it's back.
This waiting and all these tests has already cost me a relationship.
Due to the cancer being in my reproductive organs, there is a high probability that if it's back I will lose them.
I'm at an age where all my friends are either pregnant or new mothers. And a part of me is scared I'm scared that I may miss out on this part of life (being a mother)
I'm dating again now, but what I want to know is when do I tell a guy? that this is a possability or should I not tell them?
It's not exactly 1st date conversation. But I don't want to waste my time with a guy who can't handle it either, because If everything comes back fine and I'm cancer free I'd like to think about settling down and starting a family in the next few years.
Should I say anything?
When should I tell? | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:03:46 PM | Not a guy, but gonna give you my input anyway. I really think this is a question better posed to a cancer survivor's support group. Women who have been there and have to make those calls can tell you much more than anyone here can. JMO
I have a chronic illness myself, and rather than deal with disappointment after disappointment, I decided to mention it briefly in my profile. I figure that will weed out anyone unwilling to deal with it. I still get responses, but now I know they're not from men who will walk away after I disclose my illness.
Best of luck to you and many years of good health. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:06:05 PM | It's cancer...you can tell anyone you have cancer at any point. It's a disease, a lot of people have it. Hell, some places, you're only cool if you have cancer...ok that's pushing it but still.
Yes you should tell them, when you are comfortable. But you should also be upfront that you do have cancer...it would explain an exceptional amount of doctor's visits, and whatever else is involved. When you tell someone you are interested in that you have cancer - if they are interested in you, they will ask questions, at which time you can go into details. You need to be comfortable talking about it, but it's not something you should hide away for a surprise later on in the relationship. If you are dating mature people, they will understand...of course knowing a lot of 20-30 yr olds, not all of them are mature enough to be intellegent about that scenario - so don't expect everyone to take it maturely, but don't be discouraged, it's a nice red flag, that will save you trouble in the future.
good luck :) | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:52:38 PM | Let’s destroy my chances of dating anyone on POF for at least 6 months or until this thread is wiped out.
OP, in theory the “Be Honest” line is nice and is going to be repeated here Ad nauseam.
It is a dating site. The knee-jerk reaction requires everyone repeat it to prove how fvcking Honest
they are and thus how date-able they are.
You don’t have to tell anyone before you want to tell them. If that is one a “first date” , fine.
If it is anywhere along the time line up to becoming entangled legally, fine.
Don’t kid yourself. There are people out there creeped out by cancer. Yes, you know you are not
contagious, but there are folks out there that aren’t so sure. If you have been involved with cancer for
three + years i would wager you have run into a few of them.
There is a difference between the “being honest” that we all seem to bow down to here, and the right we all have to a little privacy. A person you are just dating does not have a right to know everything about every aspect of your life. Tell whomever you wish, whenever you wish. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:01:51 PM | Thank you.
I'm aware this is a dating site and it's not a great topic here. but it's a dating question.
I have spoken to a support group. but thier job is to be... well supportive.
I appreciate that you chose to loose dates to answer my question.
people do think I'm contagious
but what i really want to know is if we were to meet and arrange a date possibly more, how soon would you want to know?
A lot of guys want kids, would you want to know if the person your seeing isn't able to have them (if it happens to go that way)? | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:12:07 PM | | Before I had kids, and could no longer have kids, I would want to know right away if my person of interest couldn't reproduce. But I've always been one to plan for the future, hoping for the best from every situation. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:22:13 PM | I guess it depends on how comfortable you two are together. And how much you share between each other. Your best bet is to find out if he wants kids. With my experience with ovarian cancer, it would also depend on what stage your doctor has diagnosed you in. You may not be able to have kids naturally, but you might be able to still have a child thru a serogant (sp) mother.
But then again, you would have to find out if your b/f is wanting kids, and how well you communicate between each other, and how serious you two are.
If I was in his shoes, I would probably want to know fairly soon. But that is me, and I've been thru it before. If he is a supportive person, that would be a bonus to you as well. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:31:22 PM |
A person you are just dating does not have a right to know everything about every aspect of your life. I agree with this. I do think, however, that you should tell someone if things look like they could get serious. It's only fair, and could avoid heartache for you both. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:25:55 AM | | Well, you cerainly need to share it with a man that's asked you to marry him and you've accepted. Before that...it's no one's business. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 2:45:54 AM | If I were you I would wait until you get your results since I'm assuming you are expecting them soon. Once you have them, just be honest with whoever your dating. Good luck.  | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 3:14:24 AM | | Not a Guy either but.. I would hold off telling any one for the first date or two simply because your honesty could be misconstrued and easily taken as you being too keen. Telling a man on a first date that you MAY not be able to reproduce could be seen as you having already decided you want this relationship to head that way (if you understand me). No relationship can last without honesty so if things begin to look good then of course you should tell them. As has been said a first date does not mean that you have to share your life history. Personally speaking you will know when the time is right to tell (if you have to). Hope your results are good ones hun x | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:24:13 AM |
If I were you I would wait until you get your results since I'm assuming you are expecting them soon. Once you have them, just be honest with whoever your dating
I agree with blueyedbladman. Depending on what test results you are waiting for it shouldn't take that long. I have never had to wait longer than 2 wks for a pathology report to come back ....but I would wait until I knew for sure that it would never be a possibility before bringing it up.
I was in your situation and while I was waiting to find out for sure I wasn't seeing anyone so I didn't have to discuss it with an SO. Once I found out for sure that I was no longer able to have children I made a point to tell people up front. In fact, I even mention it in my profile. I know there are a lot of men my age who are finally ready to settle down and have children and I want to be up front and honest and let people know right from the beginning that I may not be the person for them. It all depends on the situation and how comfortable you are about talking about it.
Good luck to you OP  | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:08:40 AM | Why worry about it right now? First date stuff, most guys are wondering if they are gonna get some. Or maybe the second date. Or third...after that, it is just a friendship....
So go ahead and share it with whoever....probably the guy who does get serious and says so up front. Then would be a good time to let them know.
there are other possibilities besides having your own baby...surrogates, adoption, marrying a guy wiht kids froma previous partnership...all kinds of things open to you.
Good luck! have fun! | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:05:09 AM | | The only thing you can do is be up front and honest. If the poor little boy cannot handle it than he needs to move on and make room for a REAL man in your life. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:41:28 AM | Thank you all.
I have waited 6 months so far to have these particular tests done.
6 months is a long time to wait when your talking the big C
That's what took it's toll on my last relationship. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:18:09 PM | There's no simple answer of course.
Some people would be fine with it, some people would freak.
Now, yes, telling someone day one is the "honest and upfront" thing to do.
Now, you could do that, hoping to let them decide right then and there if they want to continue things.
Because they might not want to be invovled with someone with cancer, and want to know now and be able to leave before becoming too attached to you.
Others might not care, and stand by you no matter what.
At the same time, if they're the type to run... would you want to wait until you've been dating them for weeks and have strong feelings for them... just to see them bolt like a coward?
There's a lot of things you have to consider. And finally, the decision rests with you.
Now, from my personal experience... I have gone out with a woman, and on the first date she told me she had cancer. I didn't care. It's not like it's contagious, or she did something wrong to get it. It's a disease, and I'm not going to hold that against her.
And I'm glad I stuck by her... because we had an amazing relationship for several months. At the end though, the cancer finally won out, and took her.
But at least I know that I will always cherish the memories we forged together. And it makes me truly proud to know that I helped make her last months ones full of joy and happiness and love. And not her being alone and scared of what's happening to her. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 1:36:27 AM | sorry to hear about what happened with your experience.
this too maybe a possibilty for me, that it has spread and well i'm sure you know where I'm going with this.
anyway, I just wanted to say thankyou for your post.
for as hard as your experience must have been for you to share with me (us) It gives me hope that maybe everyone isn't going to run at the first sign of something as hard to deal with as cancer. because it's a ****.
and your right i don't want to become invested in a guy only to see him bolt (again)
but i don't want to scare a guy off before he has had the chance to get to know me and how even having a monster like this in our relationship doesn't stop me from being a great person, who's fun and willing to try new things, and who doesn't let it get on top of her (to much lol) I'm strong enough to get through this and beat it. I just don't want to be nursing a broken heart while I do it. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 1:43:30 AM | say it when your comfortable telling him, but i think you should wait until after you get the results. there's no point in having the 2 of you worrying about the results, when chances are they will come back negative.
i'm sure they will come out negative, and you'll be wondering what the worry was about, good luck! | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:06:48 PM | The way this site works, there's a link from your profile to this thread. So, anyone you meet on here is likely to know your situation.
It may lessen the number of people who contact you on here, but personally, I'd just think up a one sentence description of your situation and include it in your profile. That's the easy way to be up-front without having to have that serious conversation on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc. date. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:29:07 PM | OP, I am sorry I don't know how to answer your question. But I want to tell you I hope everything turns out better soon , I will pray for you!! I know women that were struggwling with cancer and survived, you can do it too!! | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:05:02 PM | I wish you well... and that being said, I want you to have hope.
What happened 3 yrs ago is something to keep in mind because the possibility of recurrence but, is not something firm yet.
Wait for the result to speak on grounds. Maybe the results come back negative.
For dating? I don't see the need to speak about it. Mention it upon the prospective of a steady relationship. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:20:04 PM | I know how you're feeling, OP. I am actually in the midst of a ridiculous battle with cancer, myself. It crept up on me, and by the time I was diagnosed, there was nothing they could do for me...they thought. I was never given any real option for fertility, as I was told I had to start chemo the day after my diagnosis. This meant that I had to take the risks of the chemo, and just cross my fingers that my organs would not be damaged.
It's funny how at 22, when you're not even thinking about a family, the thought of not being able to have one can send you into a terrible depression. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know how terrible it is to have to deal with, as a woman in a similar boat. (Though my cancer is head and neck, and it's the treatment that is causing the problem)
I personally am not certain if starting a family is an option, but i'd prefer to wait and see. I know there are plenty of other options when the time comes, but right now I don't feel it's anyone's concern. If I were to get serious with someone, I would want to tell them. I have made my cancer known, and am very open in talking about my experiences (am writing a book on the experience, because it's so rare, and the past months have been more of a rollercoaster than i'd even expected.) however, I think that is too far to go with strangers, and I wouldn't want a hypothetical to be a deal breaker.
If someone loves you and wants to start a family with you, they'd be open to alternative options. If someone is going to make that a deal breaker, they're probably the type of person that would walk if it recurred...and is that the type of support you want in your life? I know it's not what i'm after.
Best of luck to you! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:21:17 PM | i wish you the best and send positive thoughts your way...
now- my opinion is to turn it around and ask yourself- if the situation was reversed, what would you want the other person to tell you and when. it sounds kinda trite and simple, but i think it's a good reflection on the answer you are looking for.
i send you peace-
dave | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:44:25 PM | "This waiting and all these tests has already cost me a relationship"
BS. Strong relationships can walk through hell and back without breaking a sweat, so don't blame yourself or the cancer for that. You just didn't have someone strong enough to walk with you. If it helps you, there are guys out there that wouldn't care.
My stbx has bi-polar, depression and recently diagnosed with MS and I was still in love with her, ready to stand by her when she walked out on me. Such is life and mine moves forward. Yours will too, but you should probably take some time for yourself. How can you focus on building a positive relationship with so many gray clouds hovering over your head. Don't live in fear of what you can't control. Relax and take it as it comes.
A good man will find your inner strength a very attractive quality! Good luck to you. | |
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| unsure but curious should I tell?
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:28:10 PM | NurseB: Because it is such a big deal for so many people, I think you should mention it in your profile. Not a long detailed essay, but a simple "FYI: I am a cancer survivor." is sufficient. Most men who read the profile will either freak and run or it's not an issue and they will actually forget about it until you mention a doctor's appointment or some such. Others will want to talk to you in detail --- that's a case by case call on just what to tell them.
One reason I say mention it is because the whole issue of children seems important to you, and it will impossible for you to discuss children without mentioning the cancer. Likewise, many men will want to know your plans on children. There is huge difference between saying "I haven't decided" when you really should say "I don't know if it's healthy for me to do that." Dancing around the issue will leave men feeling blind-sided when you tell them later.
I had a long-term relationship that started unexpectedly on this note. I had gone on 2 dates and the third date she didn't show up, didn't answer calls, didn't hear from her for two weeks. I had moved on, dated someone else and just figured she was flaky. Then she called and gave me the low-down. She had emergency surgery the night before we were supposed to meet. This was related to problems she'd had all her adult life. Plain and simple she said she still wanted to date me, and I gave her a chance. During the years we were together, she was hospitalized a few times. I guess there was all kinds of webbing and stuff inside, holding her guts together. She constantly had digestive and other issues, but managed it.
The straight story is the best story, but I agree with others that the first date isn't the best time to go into details! | |
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