| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:59:19 PM | After our first date, someone sent me what he thought was some constructive criticism, a list of areas in which he felt I was lacking.
He asked me for the same.
He thinks that everyone wants, or should want, feedback so that he or she can improve.
I think it is hurtful and judgmental to give a person a list of things you don't like about him or her.
I wonder what everyone else thinks. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:15:20 PM | | That is so demeaning, and it's too bad you had to put up with that. If he's this judgemental already, imagine how he'll be when he really knows you. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:19:12 PM | sounds like a job interview.........
and that ^^^ would be numero uno on my list to him....along with self-centered and very insecure I'd guess... | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:20:54 PM | I prefer to give them a PowerPoint presentation of all their faults.
When you sent the list you had compiled about him, was “being a rude and ill-mannered asshat” number one? | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:24:09 PM | I guess it would depend on what they said and how they said it. To be honest, I think it would be kind of interesting to see something like that, and I've read more than a few threads where both men and women wished they knew what "went wrong" on a particular date.
OP, I hope the guy wasn't maliciously unkind. If he was, just take a deep breath and ignore. Since he asked for feedback in return, however, I'm tending to doubt his intentions were hurtful. So, maybe go into analytical mode and give him what he seeks? But only do it if you can put aside your own hurt feelings, and in the spirit of helpfulness.
A non-judgemental, non-emotional essay might be just the thing.
Chin up. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:24:47 PM | | Seriously!? This guy is both classless and clueless. What a jerk! He deserves to be alone, and you deserve a date with a better guy. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:25:18 PM | | Wow! That's a new one on me - what kind of 'constructive' criticism did he offer? | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:25:52 PM | | Holy crap! That is beyond egotistical and rude! Actually to the point you have to find his socially challenged ass amusing. I'd find the humour in it because he really is a joke. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:33:05 PM | He is the kind of guy that never makes it to the second date.
It has happened to him so many times. this is his consolation price.
He gets to tell the girl, who was NOT going out with him again, what is she lacking.
Kind of like, he gets you, before you get him.
Feel bad for him. He has been rejected so many times, he had to come up with a defense mechanism.
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:33:28 PM | | Now that I have never heard of before. Sounds like the guy has some issues big time to be doing that. I would write back and put for his 'critisism' that he needs to learn to get some manners and tact and if he thinks he has a shot at a relationship in the future, it won't happen as he is treating dates like they are applying for a job! what an idiot. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:36:30 PM | I know he did not mean to be unkind, but my feelings were hurt nonetheless.
Is there anyone out there who really wants to know what people think of him or her?
It has been my experience that even when people ask for criticism, they just get defensive and don't change anyway.
BTW we are still dating and he is going to read this--- he will be glad someone is on his side! | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:37:46 PM | | I have never had a "list" of areas of which I was lacking but I have given dates "constructive" dating techniques on how I thought "our" date went and how to treat a "lady" because some of "my" dates were lacking thereof. I didn't give him a "list". I just gave him some insightful information for "his" "next" date. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:41:04 PM | | He thought I needed to lose weight ( I have since lost 20 pounds) and that I did not carry myself with confidence (he thought he could have overlooked the excess weight if I had) | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:45:08 PM | | you were a practice date,so when someone he really wants comes along,he won't blow it.he's into the 'art' of dating.Alot of relationship gurus tell their readers to use the internet for practice dates so they won't blow a real date.,chow | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:45:25 PM | BTW we are still dating and he is going to read this--- he will be glad someone is on his side!
Maybe I missed something here, but who the heck is on "his" side?
What was on "your" list? about "his" lacking? | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:48:26 PM | | OP can I ask why you are still seeing this guy? I mean if a man just told me that upfront I would say see ya. If he wasn't happy about my weight then too bad. I would never dream of telling someone I hardly knew, let alone even one of my closest friends that they 'need to lose weight' that is a hurtful thing and he sounds controlling. From what I've read here, I don't think he has too many on his side. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:51:07 PM | Wait......WHAT??? You are still dating a guy who told you you were FAT!!!!From he get go???
I can't wait to see what you'll post a month from now.
Because , sister, this is only the begging.
Do you think that someone who starts a relationship with criticism like that, will turn into complements later? This kind of behavior only escalates.
This is why guys act like jerks. There is always someone "nice enough" to hear their nonsense comments, ponder on them and STILL hang around begging for more | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:53:22 PM | After a first date?
Really?
And you gave him a second date?
Really?
Wow.
He musta been right about the confidence part. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:54:28 PM | Dawn thought it might be interesting to see what went wrong on a date. I don't think most people could be that self confident or analytical when it comes to dating and self-esteem issues.
I didn't make a list of his faults because I did not think it was a kind thing to do and I thought it would be judgmental. Two wrongs don't make...etc. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:05:20 PM | And this is why he will want to keep dating you.
If you were a hype critical jerk like him, he would not want to date you anymore.
But since you are "taking it " so well, he'll stay until you come to your senses and kick himto the curb. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:10:46 PM | Dawn thought it might be interesting to see what went wrong on a date. I don't think most people could be that self confident or analytical when it comes to dating and self-esteem issues.
I didn't make a list of his faults because I did not think it was a kind thing to do and I thought it would be judgmental. Two wrongs don't make...etc.
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You obviously thought what he did was wrong, and judgemental, yet you chose to continue dating him anyway. And what is self-confident and analytical about telling a woman she's too fat to be dateable???
I don't know what's more pathetic, him telling you to lose weight or you losing weight to be with him. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:14:28 PM | | Well at least he showed his true colors very quickly; that he's the type of person who gets off on belittling and demeaning though thinly disguised as (cough cough) constructive criticism....probably a huge control freak, loves to kill others' self-esteem to make himself feel powerful. A first class pr*ck. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/15/2008 11:47:24 PM | Wait until you gain a pound back of the twenty you lost!
He'll drop you like a hot potatoe! or he'll continue to use that issue to control you.
I have met many guys like him. It is usually the same guys who have no looks, big bellys and are bald, the ones who are so fast to critique your figure.
They can sense who will take their BS and who won't put up with it.
Sounds like you decide to agree with him. Therefore you two make a good couple.
Until you gain some self steem and decide you don't need anybody telling you how you should look. | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:41:51 AM | I want to know what people think about me, but I don't solicit it by first listing the other person's faults. This guy is, at least, a social amatuer. I understand why he's doing it, but he totally went about it in the wrong way.
See, people are like onions... | |
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| Feedback or Criticism?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:42:05 AM | | Did he list your inability to take criticism? You could list his lack of empathy. I would settle for a list of why I don't even rate a list. Take comfort in knowing that by going out with him, that at least on that one date you made sure he wasn't out there bothering someone else. | |
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