| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:39:19 AM | Here is how the story goes.
My son who was 4 at the time was told by another mother he could come over and play, Then the next day she tells me that her 4 year old son and mine do not play together in class and that it would not be a good idea. Ok fine even though it would not have hurt her to let him come over for a hour or so whatever I told my son it broke his heart.
the thing is some of the other moms thought what she did was kind of mean also. Made comments to me to the fact..
A couple of weeks later my daughter who is only 2 and her older son with another child from our childrens class were playing. When I looked over I saw the other kid hitting her son yes my daughter was right there however I did not see her do it. I sent the other child to the class room and then asked the mother if my daughter was hitting her 6 year old also she said yes I tried to get her to aplogize she would not. She is however only 2.
We left there really was not much else I can do to a 2 year old I told her she was not being nice and we don't hit.
Well I was not there one day and the mom I had the biggest problem with asked the others what was the matter with me. they say they told her that I had my feelings hurt "Which in a way they were but only cause of my son".
The next time I was there she told me she wanted to talk to me I told her i was busy she said it would only take a few minutes I said fine.
Well it started out ok but I told her how I felt she said that she could not understand why my children are being so mean to her kids. I explained that my daughter is only 2 and she does not seem to be so mad at the other childs mom. and that her son does pick on my daughter she said that he tickles her that is picking on her. Then I told her just to keep her children away. So she took it upon herself to say in front of my daughter to her son that he is not allowed to play with my daughter because she does not know how to play nice and with others.
Well being a mother like anyone else would be I was pissed off. I called her a **** and let her know to stay away from my children.
Of which I sure if someone would have done something like this to anyone elses child they would have done the same.
Now the things is all of the moms up at the school are treating me like I have the plague. It does not matter what I do or say I am treated as if I was completly in the wrong and no one else had anything to do with it. Even the mother who agreed with me and brought up her attitude after the first incident acts like I have the plague also.
I know I should have kept my mouth shut about all of the incidents for me it would have blown over eventually. The thing is being that they are treating me as if I am the only person in the wrong here. I am just curious if I should just chaulk this up to a lesson learned and move on or if I should confront them.?
Thier friendship I do not need but I guess I just want answers as to why I am the bad guy.
Now they all sit around talking to each other and glaring at me maybe I am the bad guy. but I guess and I hope one day they are put into the same situation and they know how I feel. Someone someday will do something mean to their child and they will get a taste of their own medicine. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:55:25 AM | What kind of class is this that the mothers hang around and gossip and 2 year olds are in the same class as 4 year olds? There's really no point in saying anything unless it will just make you feel better I guess. It sounds like the other woman is using the kids to get to you. She's a b*tch for that and it will come back to bite her in the ass. Screw 'em.
Oh, and I would have called her a b*tch too, but I'm just like that. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:03:41 AM | We all have to drive our own children to preschool and this is at the school waiting for the teachers to take them into class. The younger children are just with the mothers. Though I do not understand why her older son is never in class why he is always with the mother..
This really is not me looking for pity. For some reason it is bothering me. I know it should not but it is. I don't really think I can fix it I guess I really want to understand it.
I should have known better and not gotten involved with the other parents bored housewives I guess they need something to do. None of them have a job so maybe they needed a little drama for something to do. I was an easy target and I don't believe kids will be kids . Kids however will be their parents and I don't want mine to ever let anyone treat them like she treated them.
Kids will be kids is why we have children teasing others to the point of them going to school and shooting everyone..... | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:15:38 AM | Let is go I believe you to be right bored housewives seems to fit better then you being the only bad guy.
Parents need to take a more aggressive stance in the lives of their children school life. They should know what is going on whether their child is being picked on or doing picking on. Times are not the same children like society are more aggressive. I am not going to blame it on video games or violent movies but I do think that could be a start to the numbness. Also the fact that people believe kids will be kids is another reason.
You are old enough to have known better then to get into the childish talk. But we are all human next time hopefully you will know better. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:19:12 AM | kids shoot each other, because their parents are idiots and allow them access to weapons and fail to teach them how to cope, how to handle bullies, and we are a society so full of BS that kids cant just give one another a bloody nose or black eye and be done with it.
We parents are the reason our children have such a screwed up world. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:47:43 AM | I can understand how you feel OP however, I wouldn't have acted the same way. If I was put into that situation, I would have told my child it is not ok to hit another person, made her apologize(or did so on her behalf) and when we got home s/he would have to "take space(time appropriate)" for doing so. A 2 year old is old enough to know hitting is not ok and can be consequenced for doing so.
As for the other mother, the reason I wouldn't have said anything to her is for a couple of reasons:
1. You have to respect her position also, you defended yourself to the mother because your child hit hers, well she was just defending herself and her child that was getting hit. Neither of you probably didn't do it the best way but none the less you both felt the need to defend.
2. By the 2 of you acting in such a manner (name calling and speaking with an agressive tone) you are not showing your children how to positively practice conflict resolution. Children lead by example! Also, the other mothers shouldn't be shunning you however they are and nothing can be done about it. That's part of the reason I would have acted differently. Because, there is a great chance that because these mothers are all upset and/or disassociating with you that they will also have their children not befriend yours. So who loses? Not you or the other mom whos feelings are hurt, but your children who may not have any friends to play with right now.
I am not saying either party is in the right or wrong, unfortunately it was a little matter that is common with young children who would have forgot about it moments later, that became a much bigger problem for all involved, in time it will blow over, there will always be the next "gossip" and your incident will be forgotten.
Good luck!! | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:57:22 AM | Thank you Angelicrose I actually do agree with you I know now that I hurt my son more than anything. I did notice that the other children stopped playing with him. He also was not longer invited to play dates which has made me cry at night. Mostly because I did it to him maybe that is what bothers me the most. I seriously was not that upset that she did not want him over it was the fact that I had to tell him he could not go over. When she had told him the day before that he could.
As far as the thing with my daughter I did give her what I would call a time out and she did not get a toy at the store as I had told her she would. I do believe that she was actually following what the other child was doing. She had never hit before that we did however have a few incidents after but it seems to have worked itself out now.
As far as the other mothers who were involved they all made friends with her like they had not been involved with it from the beginning.Now they turn up their noses at me I was the bad one. They had actually started the conversation after they seen how she had acted. Could not believe that she was so rude on a play date. I would have let it pass and after I got it explained to my son which I had to do a few diffrent ways cause he was not understanding why, I was over it.
I am by no means condoning my own behavior I acted irrational and it was very much a learning experience for me. Guess I never thought I would ever feel so angry when someone hurt my child even in the littlest way. Next year we won't be living in this area so we both get a new start. I will let him take the bus and do my best to keep out of the lives of the other mothers. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:24:21 AM | The 2 year old is a baby. Baby's aren't intentionally trying to be mean. She was likely just doing what she saw someone else doing. (IF she even did it as you said that you didn't see her do it.) Taking her home and putting her in time out way after the incident happened isn't going to work as she's forgotten what she did wrong and doesn't understand it anyway. Telling her right then and there that hitting isn't nice and apologizing to the mother should have been the end of it.
I would imagine that once all the moms leave the kids play together just fine. I'd just keep dropping my kid off and going about my business not caring what the others think. If you think that it's gotten way out of hand then you might want to consider finding another daycare. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:08:18 PM | Because they formed a click and you tried to come into that click.
You were both in the wrong for arguing and saying nasty things to each other, in front of your children.
Some parents are just not willing to bend. Move on, ignore her and the other's snotty remarks. It will only drive you nuts if you don't. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:27:52 PM | So many incidences in such a short time? My kids are 3 years apart and I drove both to preschool and kindergarten and NEVER had any problems with anyone. I would be questioning why you are so overly involved with these people and why you cannot control a two year old. Why is her 6 year old is even in the same room as your child? Why would you tell your son that the other parent changed her mind? Do you WANT to hurt his feelings? Most people would have just said they were too busy that day and let it go.
Where are the teachers???? Why are the parents allowed to hang around to the point that they get into arguments? Calling people a-holes and parents not wanting your kids around there kids? I'd take a step back and look hard at how your kids are behaving. JMHO | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:29:53 PM | Well it was not a short amount of time more like a few months. It also was not at a day care it was in the waiting area of our childrens preschool.
I did not call her an a-hole however b--ch was used and I regreted it later.
We were all friends till this happened we all would go out to lunch after we dropped off our children and go shopping.
I tried to tell him diffrent things about why he was not going to their house. I even told him that he did not play with her son "that is what she told me" and he just needed to play with him some more and then he could go to their house. (Not that I would have after that anyway)
But when you have your son going to the school the next time and walking up to them and saying"Don't you know me I am " telling them his name it hurts. She was not even taken back by that. He did go on a play date once after that issue I did not know her son was going but when she found out that my son was going she told her son he could not and made up an excuse why he could not go. I am sure she told her after I walked out that it was cause my son was going. mostly because he was never invited again. When I picked him up from her house she told me he was a very good boy.
My children behave very well actually they act very very good in public and at other peoples houses.
I also keep control of my children so really it is not a matter of my parenting skills. My daughter usually would walk down the ramp and back up this was the only incident with her ever in public. I do expect my children to behave in public and they know it. They are much smarter than people give children credit for.
I do know it is hard to judge a issue unless you were there and I do thank everyone who responded. I am seriously trying to figure this out my head just seems to drift to she is a snobby b--ch and I would not bow to her and her children like the others and she did not like it. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:50:21 PM | Taking any criticism about your parenting is hard to take, I think it puts us on the defense. Everyone has their own style of parenting, and when it differs from theirs, then that's when you see conflict of opinion. I went through this a few weeks ago with my best friend. She is more strict with disciplining her kids whereas I'm more laidback. She felt I needed to know what I'm doing wrong and should correct those behaviors that my toddler daughter is making. Let me tell you that made me feel that my friendship would end but after talking to friends, it's no big deal, just shrug it off since everyone parents differently. I think we take it to heart and are sensitive to our parenting when it's negative criticism.
Just shrug it off. and as you say, you're moving next year, so next time around, you can do things differently if the situation arises again. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:30:53 AM | Yes wanderbaby I agree it does not feel good to have someone say our parenting skills are not good.
I am pretty good with criticism though more because I am worse on myself than anyone. I know I am making mistakes thank God not the ones my mother made I am making all new ones.. More than likely the ones she did right.
I think I am a little strickter on my children when we are in a public place or someone elses home. But at our house they run the place.
Yeah I will more than likely just forget about it seems to me they were not looking at them selves as being in the wrong at all. If I try to make them see I will look like more a an idiot to them. Really thier opinions do not matter. I know that not everyone will like you in your life and one or 2 people does not bother me. But when a group of people have a problem with me I guess I thought I should look into what I did.
But no matter how I tried I can not see where I was the only bad guy in this issue.
The only other thing is I am an older mom actually the oldest there they are all in their 20's do I don't believe I really ever fit in.
The things they thought were issues I thought was kind of silly... | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:45:19 AM |
Well being a mother like anyone else would be I was pissed off. I called her a **** and let her know to stay away from my children.
Of which I sure if someone would have done something like this to anyone elses child they would have done the same.
Now the things is all of the moms up at the school are treating me like I have the plague.
Well if your daughter overheard the other mom, then she overheard you too. Nice role model. You aren't being ostracized like someone with the plague, more like trailer trash. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:28:11 AM | | My son's cub scout troop had a strong group of parents, but my daughter's group of girl scout moms were ruined by several trouble maker parents. I got her into soccer instead. If there are bad vibes, get away from it. You and your child deserve better. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:35:39 AM | Well first of all I kept a low tone if she heard much she mostly heard the other woman treating me and mine like we were below her.
As far as trailer trash well your kind words sounds like they come from someone who knows.. I don't claim to be better then anyone I do however know that I am as good as everyone else. I did not grow up in a trailer park but even if I had does not make me a bad person.
Now the thing is did you call me trailer trash cause you felt it would get a rise out of me do you want me to call you a b**** also.
Please if my child did hear me call that mom a b**** well if that is the worst that she hears good.. I will tell you I grew up with a mother who would give a crap less. A father who went to prison for rape. So maybe I am just reflecting what I am "trailer trash". But I will tell you one thing my children will always know that I will be there for them. They will know that their mother is there no matter what and will defend them. I may not like the things that they do but I will always love them and stand behind them. No adult will ever try to make them feel like they are less than a whole person. I can also promise that if someone tries they will face me.
So "Trailer trash" works for me if I can use that to explain my actions later.. I will tell them that you told me I am 'trailer trash' and leave that as a good answer... | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:57:35 PM | OK seriously Trailor trash???? sooo not even called for but whatever..... Honey those moms have nothing better to do with their time so shrugg it off. I don't care what other people say some parents like to cause trouble for other parents. No u shouldn't have called her a b..... but whatever u did, and so did she! Sometimes we say things before thinking and it happens to everyone, especially when it come to our children. Not one single parent is "perfect" and we all do things we later regret. However, that doesn't make anyone less of a parent. If they want to be caddy let them. Be the bigger person.
Hitting is not right and a time out or whatever u do for disipline was needed. and yes she is only 2 and sometimes toddlers aren't good with words and if he was picking on her then ya that frusration may come out in a not so good way and we need to teach them to do it another way that isn't physical. Thats what we as parents are there for. So lesson learned. You know better for the next time if it sadly happens again. Good luck hope things get better.  | |
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| Momma bears give their cubs the "tools" they need in life to deal with disappointments
Posted: 5/18/2008 2:08:42 PM | Children lack the ability to process a situation rationally when they are pre-kindergarten age, but parents are another story. In life, we are all faced with things which could be viewed as disappointments. One of the best things we can do for our children is to acknowledge their feelings if and when they express them, and to teach them how to be understanding. We do not have to compound a situation by adding our own negative thoughts which then cause our children to feel as if they are being rejected. Why on earth would we want to inject our beloved children with feelings of self doubt, when we can instead teach them about the realities of life, and come up with alternate plans for the afternoon? hmmm?
When babies hurt themselves, when is it that they actually cry? Upon seeing their parent(s)' reaction. How do we want our children to process a situation? If a teacher suddenly cancels recess, should our children's response be that of heartbreak? We want them to roll with the punches in life, do we not? Teaching our children the art of self victimization is destructive. Robbing our children of their innocence is self centered. Giving them the "tools" they need in life in order to see a situation for what it really IS, not what we want them to believe it is......is what parenting is all about.
THE HIGH ROAD VS THE LOW ROAD
If the parents of your child's classmates view you in a way which prevents you from feeling comfortable, then it may help for you to do a bit of self reflection. People are entitled to their opinions, and will make judgments with or without your consent. If other people's approval or disapproval of you causes you to feel like you are "the bad guy", then I would ask you to consider the following :
If you are certain you are doing everything humanly possible to be the best person you can be, and if you love the person you are, why would their opinions even matter? | |
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| Momma bears give their cubs the tools they need in life to deal with disappointments
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:43:59 PM | | I didn't have time to read all the posts... but if I were you I would consider another group for your children if this is possible. Adults who sink low enough to sit and gossip like this and ostrasize (sp?) other parents ARE low enough to also take this attitude out on the children. If the parents are going to talk to your child in your presence what do you think they're doing when you're not there? Think about that. If it were me... I'd leave. The kids deserve a POSITIVE environment. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:34:50 PM | I'd like to say that as a 20-something single parent, I know many younger mums can be quite viscious when it comes to their children-> because we are only 20-something most of us also think we run the world and we still know everything. If you are older than the other mums then you will likely be targeted to be ****ed about behind your back and made out that you know nothing and you are the bad guy.
This really isn't personal but younger people (generally, not specifically) have a lack of respect for anyone above their own age group (usually 5-7 years around their age) and will target these people with an agressive & specific method of making themselves appear above reproach. If the 20-something parent (usually, but not always, the mother) feels bad about their child or themself then they feel a desire to make someone else feel worse.
I feel that my generation (20 something's) have a lack of respect for anyone -including other parents and that it is a disgrace to those of us who were brought up with respect, to respect other people and parents & always to compliment people/parents on what they are doing "right" not wrong... I feel very disappointed that some of the parents involved in the situation had such a lack of respect that they believe themselves to be superior to ANY other parent- it is disgraceful.
Take a look around and see what other schools are around because if the other children are making your child/ren feel unwanted and unhappy the it might be in the child's best interest for them to move somewhere else.. Young parent's can be very ****y and even though the issue might pass their behaviour towards you and your offspring very likely will not change.  I hope this has helped. | |
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| Momma bear defending her young..
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:38:07 AM | Thank you everyone...
I am not proud of how I acted I am not usually like that I have always been the walk away type. I have never thought confrontation was good. I have always believed walk away. Something about the situation kept me there if it would have been just me walking away and laughing at her would have been no big deal. Honestly their opinions of me I really don't care about. It was how my children were being treated that made me stay to deal with it.
I know the situation could have been handled diffrent. It wasn't and I can not change that..Just like everyone I bite when I get bitten..
As far as the other mothers well I am 10 to 15 years older..Completly a diffrent generation.
Well either way preschool is over we are moving farther up north so he will be in a diffrent school next year. I believe I am going to do my darndest to keep my life away from the school.. Unless I see a temperment change in my child I am avoiding school. | |
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| Momma bears give their cubs the tools they need in life to deal with disappointments
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:51:20 AM | No one is perfect the ones who criticize you on here are even worse then the mothers.
As far as the trailer trash remark that is ignorance running rampant you have to love the simple people they make the world go around.
No one is less of a person who defends their child actually we could use more parents defending their children.
As far as your children having a disapointment they are going to have enough of those. They don't need adults around them with no other reason then being hateful making it harder. Life is hard enough and as a parent we are supposed to protect them. | |
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| Momma bears give their cubs the tools they need in life to deal with disappointments
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:32:39 PM |
I am not proud of how I acted I am not usually like that I have always been the walk away type. I have never thought confrontation was good. I have always believed walk away. Something about the situation kept me there if it would have been just me walking away and laughing at her would have been no big deal. Honestly their opinions of me I really don't care about. It was how my children were being treated that made me stay to deal with it.
There we go. Now that is a much better take on it and would teach your kids by example. | |
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| Momma bears give their cubs the tools they need in life to deal with disappointments
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:05:07 PM | Cussing at her in front of kids was wrong, bad example. If you talked to your kids about it and by example apologized to the mom in front of kids later for this - that would actually make the whole thing a wonderful learning experience all the way around.
Being a mama bear myself I made far worse mistakes when my boys were young, far worse. And to this day they remember MY behavior (and it was bad). They don't remember hurt feelings by the other kids/parents ect. They remember Mom going off and getting crazy. Yes I was young, thought I was standing up for them, so on so forth. I didn't take the opportunity to show that I screwed up and could apologize, that would have been a good example. Atleast you OP have enough sense to feel bad for your behavior. At the time I just felt I was justified since they hurt my babies.
Learn now from this, because you will come into MANY more instances just like this as they grow, some even worse. Each time you will be given an opportunity to lead by example. No you will not always make the right choice, your human. But when you do mess up, that is another opportunity to teach your children. Everyone makes mistakes, but mistakes can either be failures or learning opportunites depending on what we do with them. Good luck Momma Bear!! | |
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