| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/16/2008 2:43:13 PM | Hey, I am trying to get back into the world of dating after having my son and having sum times to ourselves. My son is now 5 and has no contact with his father, partly because he is on drugs n also violent but also cant be trused. I am finding it hard to relax when it comes to dating, maybe because I havent really done it in so long. Anyone got any tips on how to find the genuine guys and skip the ones tht are on here just to mess about for their own amusement? Any advice wud b helpful x
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:51:10 PM | I think first of all, expect to be a bit nervous for a while. That's only natural. When it comes to meeting people online, I find that you need to be rather open about questions to them and try to get a good understanding of where they are coming from. I am very forward and ask tough questions right away. Making a really specific profile will also help eliminate men that you are not interested in...ie..if you are not into casual encounters, make that clear. When you do decide to meet, make it public, and make it short...just a coffee, so there' s no pressure for a lengthy date, especially if the chemistry is just not there.
Hope that helps. | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:59:41 PM | Browse through the forums, there are some threads that offer good advice on dating when you have a child.
In terms of dating in general, at first it is hard to go back into it, especially if your last relationship was with your ex who may have stressed you out through pregnancy and after you had your child. In some ways, I'm still wary of dating due to my experience with my ex. It takes awhile to see them as their true self, at first they will make a good impression of how great they are and what they say they like to do. Just be patient and don't rush into things. As someone mention, be a little straightforward in what you're looking for and ask what that person is looking for. some guys who do online dating do it for the sake of finding someone to have sex. Usually, they will talk right away about sex, nothing wrong with that, but they tend to just pursue sex than a relationship.
there's also another thread or two about the pro's of dating single parents vs nonparents. If you can manage time for yourself and balance that with work and being a single parent, then you're more than ready to date. Sometimes though you don't realize what you really need til you do start dating. That's why it's a good thing to go slow that way you know what you are really looking for and the pressure isn't there since you haven't commited yet to that person you date.
Don't have much expectations at first, just have fun and get to know some people that you date. good luck. | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:05:44 AM | Whatever you do, dont play the revolving boyfriends game, namely to have a series
of men come in and out of the boys life. Its emotionally destructive to the child.
You already made a terrible mistake by choosing to create a child with an untrustworthy, violent drug using loser.
Dont make the same mistake twice.
A woman in your situation might want to consider one of the pay dating services
that cater specifically to people who are looking for a serious relationship or life partner. Plenty o fish is more of a casual dating site.
Let any men you eventually communicate with know right up front that
you are not interested in casual dating and that you dont have sex unless
its within the context of a long term monogamous relationship.
Your child is your priority. | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:06:46 PM | Hi! I'm really proud of you for being a single mum!!
I also am a single mum, getting back into the dating game is harder than we think it will be.  I have found that creating a very specific profile helps weed out the idiots looking only for sex or a casual fling [  eg: I am a full time single parent and my child will always come first, if you don't like it then tough sh*t! ] Some guys will get agressive because you choose not to have sex with them -> the best way to deal with these types of guys is to BLOCK them straight away.
I agree with one of the other 'Posts' that you need to keep the first meeting short. Have coffee in a public place, make sure someone knows where you are going to be or get a friend to come with you & text or call them when you're finished so they know everything is all good.
I don't recommend taking your child to the first time you meet someone, but being a single parent that's sometimes hard! Also remember, the guy is probably going to be as nervous as you are -> guys are better at hiding it though :grin:
Good Luck and don't give up, there are some nice guys left.... they aren't all jerks. | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:36:59 AM | | From my personal experience being nervous about going on a "date" is normal. However, through time I have found that the word "date" places all kinds of pressure on a person, so has simply started meeting people and hanging out. A meet by the water or someplace public and very opne. Many say a coffee shop or such but I feel that places the 2 people in too close proximity to each other and can creat problems. In closing seek to make friends and not dates, this way there are on mis/ill or preconceived expectations on eithers part. | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:37:02 AM | Kezzie...go slow, there is no magic process which will weed out the guys who are "on the make".
Other people have said it...meet in public. I have found a (weird) but great place to meet is IKEA. If you have one of those stores in your area, try it. There is often a playroom that you can leave your child in for an hour at no cost and there is the little restaurant where you can grab a drink and a snack. (Nice and safe, lots of people around)
I too am the single mom of a 5 year old who has no interaction with his dad. Tough spot to be in, the biggest challenge I am having is that my son does not understand why I can't just go dancing with him! LOL I am assured that he will get over it.
Good luck and happy fishing! | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:56:59 PM | Thanks for all ur positive words and support in my question. I am in no rush to introduce my son to alot of random men and i think if the relationship with his dad had bn different n better then we might have still bn togeher. I was just concerned tht even tho it says clearly on my profile tht i have a child, time wasters still apply so to say. So thanks for sugguesting tht i create a profile to weed out the losers as sum have sed. I havent gone into this with any expectations at all, just wud like to meet new people i guess as i dont get out as much as i wud like sumtimes but hey thts the sacrifice of being a mum.
Any advice on making a relationship work n getting over the worry tht u r just no good at them?
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:58:20 PM | Kezzie25,
Look at the past and realize that it should take you into the future. Most of us choose those people that we use to date, take a hard look at the new prospects, look for the things that you finally discovered about those you quit loving, if you see those in your new loves tell them it has been fun, see ya.. Just be truthful with yourself | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:48:04 PM | Hi. I sympathize with you because I'm going through the same thing. I have a 6 year old son and have been separated for almost 2 years. I have no idea where my husband is because he pretty much abandoned us to dwell in his party world with drugs. I've just started to date again and am having a huge problem with trusting someone new. Everytime I meet someone and find out they have an intrest in me... I run. After going through what I did for 5 years and finally getting myself out of it and back on track I'm scared to let my wall down because I don't want to go through that again. But I do have to say that after going through all I did I definitely know what I'm NOT looking for. I'm just trying to go with the flow and trust my instincts. The same instincts that originally hinted that I was making a mistake in marrying my husband ... but ignored! You just have to give it time and if you meet that someone you think you want to be with remember that trust is earned. Over time you'll know if you are to be with him and pretty quickly you'll be able to tell if he's playing games. Best of luck to you.
p.s... have you ever checked someones profile to see how many favorites lists they're on? Hmmm. | |
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| In need of sum help as a single mum x
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:59:25 AM | | im afraid you may find it hard at first finding the right man. but all the advice i have is to try and meet someone on here first and chat to them for some time until you get to know them. you may have to go very slow at first. i had the same reservations about women to be honest for quite some time when i became a single dad. i have been hurt twice in tweo relationships now so am not rushing into anything. ive been single now for 2 half years. one good thing is that i had my kids to pull me thru. i hope it all goes well for you and you find the right man who will love you for who you are.. x | |
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