| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/16/2008 3:51:30 PM | I have a friend who is a single mom of a six year old daughter who was concieved by rape. I commend my friend for keeping the baby as I dont think I would have been able to do so. She has turned out to be a great mom and has a beautiful girl.
Needless to say it is almost inevitable that one day she will grow up and wonder who her dad is. My friend asked me the other day what she should tell her? The man was never caught and my friend doesnt know his name either?
I dont feel this is something that you would want to tell a child, or an adult, for that matter...that you were concieved by such violant means....I dont think that would be easy for anyone no matter what age and how mature to handle....
What do you think is the best advice on this one???? | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:05:59 PM | Hi well I would think it depends on the child and how old and smart she is.
If the mum dose not think she could handle it then i would lie, say she just dose not know who the dad is, its not such a big lie, and maybe she could tell her the truth later when she is older.
Or she could tell the whole truth, but I would leave out all the horrible details though unless the child asks to know them, but even then i still would tone it down a bit.
Hope this helps,
Good luck
purplejet. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:42:12 PM | If I was in that mother's situation, when the child was old enough to understand, I would tell her the truth... sort of.
I would explain to her that her "dad" and I had one time together in which we concieved you. I would let her know that I don't remember his name and we were not in love, but that I am so happy to have her come into my life from what happened.
If you lie to her then she will eventually find out the truth, and depending on the girl, that could be really bad. She doesn't need to know that she is the product of rape, but that it was something that wasn't meant to happen, but did. All she needs to be assured of is that with or without a dad in her life that her mother loves her more than anything. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/16/2008 5:36:42 PM | | I think she should consult a doctor or the school pyschologist before she even attempts telling the daughter anything about it. We have no way of knowing how a child would react to any of these pieces of info, no matter how she sugarcoats it. I wish her the best of luck. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:31:23 PM | A tough question. I think the first thing I would consider is how many people know, who they are and what is the likelyhood of the child finding out from someone else. I would seriously consider SimmahDahnNah's advice. I would research the affects of this type of situation on children and how it may affect them later in life.
Kenny | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:30:44 AM | I have a family member who is the product of sexual assault. His mother never told him the truth, she told him he was a surprise from an affair with a man who lived in the mountains (possible since she works up there). When he was 17, a loud mouth family member told him the truth, right down to the name of his father. It sent him into a tailspin that he has never fully recovered from.
Personally I'd take it to my grave, I'd lie to and threaten my family to the end of the earth to keep it a secret. Not because I'd be ashamed of my child but because the self-loathing and doubt that would come from knowing they are the product of rape would always linger. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:36:43 AM | This is a question for a proffesional that has dealt with the same situation.
But now assume it's me and I have to berak the new to my child ...well I will wait until she is over the complicated age meaning maybe around her 20s and then will tell her the truth, unless she is very mature and can take it even a bit earlier.....
but I would get her ready around her late teens so she won't be a shocked....I might even tell her well your dad? not realy sure where he is but will tell you more about him when I am ready....put it back on yourself that you are not realy ready for such a question yet.... | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:38:34 AM | | I agree with Ms. Beavenhouse: Some things go with you to the grave. There is NOTHING to be gained from sharing the truth of that situation with the child and EVERYTHING to lose. And yeah, let anyone else who knows be well aware they'll regret sharing that truth with the child, too. Follow through on that. And DON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:02:07 AM | | Have her buy a copy of the movie North Country, and watch it with her daughter, and at the right time, she can pause the movie and look over at her daughter with tears in her eyes, then start the movie back up. If she does that enough times, the daughter will eventually figure it out, along with the message that it doesn't change anything between them or about herself. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:10:02 AM | For me, NOT telling a child would be to deny them the truth and thus part of their history. It would be a great injustice to deny anyone to know where they came from, same thing with adoptions.
I was an avid Law & Order: SVU watcher until my schedule got changed, and one of the main characters, Olivia, was the product of rape, and she knew that. She battled with it and she grew, she also turned it into a positive, she was able to relate and respond to others in ways that others could not.
I think your girl friend should speak with a councelor and find out the best way to tell her daughter when she is old enough to understand what rape IS. Maybe even watching a show like I mentioned above in 10 years might open that door, and ask her daughter 'what do you think about that?' Anything to get that door open if her daughter is asking a lot of questions. It will be a decent gage of her daughter's maturity at that point and what she wants to know. She may not want a lot of details, since your friend doesn't have them, she call tell her daughter what she knows and keep an open dialogue with her daughter. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:21:23 PM |
I was an avid Law & Order: SVU watcher until my schedule got changed, and one of the main characters, Olivia, was the product of rape, and she knew that. She battled with it and she grew, she also turned it into a positive, she was able to relate and respond to others in ways that others could not.
I too am an avid SVU watcher. It is a TV show. With made up characters. Not real people or life situations. Also if you really think about it; Olivia was also a victim of child abuse and neglect by her drunk mother. She could never enter into and stay in a commited relationship. She had many Psychological issues. Yes she was a good SUV cop, but that was just a story character. You know, like those in Soap Operas. Fake. The question should be what does history tell us about the issue at hand. Real history. The only way to know is to seek that out history from those who have had dealings with such an issue. I would think that speaking to several child psycologists and doctors would be a better approach than making a decision based on a TV show.
There was also a suggestion of not telling the child the truth and what would happen if the child finds out. Well no one has to lie in this instance. The OP stated that the rapist was never IDed so if mom just sticks to, "I am so sorry honey, but I do not know who your father is.", she would not be telling a lie. But, then we get back to the who knows. If some loud mouth or angry person lets the cat out of the bag mom may be toast to the daughter. This puts us back to how does mom tell her, which puts us back to finding out what other children have experienced.
Just my honest opinion,
Kenny | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:42:52 PM | | There will be no father on the birth certificate which means the father is either dead, missing or unknown. Could pretend she had been drunk at a party and didn't know who the father was! It's got to be psychologically a lot less negative than knowing she came from a violent rape. Doesn't do much for her mother's reputation though! What about saying she came from an anonymous sperm doner or that she wanted a baby but not a man and had sex to get pregnant! Or just tell her the truth. Why should every tom****and harry on the internet know the story but not the child! | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:47:39 PM |
Or just tell her the truth. Why should every tom****and harry on the internet know the story but not the child!
How would you feel if your Mom dropped that little bombshell on you tomorrow? | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:05:04 PM | I think one needs to consider: will this information help this person in any way? Is it possible that it will somehow damage this person, or taint their joy or outlook in life?
Personally, I see no benefit to telling one's son or daughter this kind of thing at any time in their lives. No good will come of it. Make something up.
I have a lovely new granddaughter, now three months old. Her daddy was killed a month after she was conceived. He would have been thrilled, but he never knew he was going to be a father. The few pictures we had of him were on a cell phone, which was stolen a month afterwards, and deleted before we could retrieve them.
She'll never know her dad, and will have little information about him.
Sometimes, that's just the way it is. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:36:06 PM | Ooooohhhh, I don't like the idea...
There is a very real risk that the daughter may think that she was a "mistake" in the sense that her mother doesn't really want her. I just think telling her this information presents the risk that the daughter will take it very badly.
Of course, having said that...I know that children who don't know or have never met one of their parents are all at risk of feeling unwanted or unloved. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:50:51 PM | Sometimes the most glorious things come from the most horrible of situations. This little girl was one of those glorious things. Vague details on the conception would be ideal in the beginning and as she wants to know more she’ll ask. The important thing is NOT how she got here but that she was gifted to her mother at a most unexpected time and that her mother loves her deeply and whole-heartedly.
I believe it’s not what you say, but how you say it. As long as the emphasis is on the positive outcome I think the negative beginning will be easier to digest. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:07:29 PM | Oooh I don't think I've read something and didn't have an idea of what I would do in the same situation....
This one really takes the cake....
This is really just my two cents but I can truly understand where the other posters are coming from when they say she might not ever really need to know, but I would eventually tell her the truth even if it was when she turned 30 especially if there was any chance of her finding out on her own or being told by someone.
But until then, I would probably be intentionally shady about details like well he just isn't around right now, etc. I think as long as children have love and emotional support, they will be fine. Occasionally, the little girl may wonder where he is and this may even be lessened if and when she marries or become involved in a longterm relationship.
I have been told and seen it...children are resilient. They show remarkable strength and wisdom when its least expected. And it makes them stronger when coupled with good parenting. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:19:43 AM | I think that what I would do in this situation would be completely dependent upon the number and type of people that know what happened to me.
1) If no one knew what happened or the people that knew were completely quiet about it, then it would probably go with me to my grave. This may involve relocating to a new city, etc.
2) If I was afraid that someone would tell her, then I would want to be the one that told her. Again, this may involve relocating, to avoid telling her until she was older. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/19/2008 9:14:43 AM | first of all this is not a question for a forum of strangers. This is a question for a professional therapist.
If you are a good friend you will advise her to take proper steps in how she tells her child this if at all. Consult a professional period. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:08:57 PM | Being a single Dad and having the great honor of raising my son, the thing a parent needs to realize is that the parent that matters to them is the one that was always there.
If the day comes and the child wishes to know about their conception all they need to know is that the other partner was someone that only cared about their own needs and wants and that the child was there with the person who loved them and cared for them no matter what their(the childs) needs or wants may have been at the time.
Friendship, Love and wanting to be a parent helps to beat all negative odds. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:02:22 AM | hello there
i do not see any point in telling the child about how she was concieved. the child has a loving mother who looks after her and there is no benefit to anyone by your friend revealing this to her daughter. there are plenty of children out there who have never seen there father or mother whop get on well in life. i hope this helps. x | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/20/2008 2:21:23 PM | I think your friend needs to get some advice from a child psychologist pretty soon. It's not just about the child's origin- I wonder if she is able to do the whole sex education as easily as someone who hasn't been raped...
What feelings does she express when she has to explain where kids come from? Don't think she will say with ease that man and women sleep with eachother "when they love eachother"- like one usually says to young kids. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:33:44 PM |
What do you think is the best advice on this one????
Consult a professional who specializes in such matters. To do otherwise would risk completely shattering a child's world. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:05:05 PM | Wow, I can't claim any insight at all, and would certainly seek counsel on how to procede.
I will say that when all other factors seem equal, I would lean toward erring on the side of the truth. | |
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| Not sure if this should go here but...BAFFLES ME
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:22:59 PM | | my hats off to this ladie for bringing a beautiful baby into this world after what she had been thru..............but my oppinion jsut be open and honest with her daughter tell her the truth its always the best way to go no matter how hard and how much it might hurt......... | |
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