| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:53:58 AM | The forums have had both a positive and negative effect on my relationship and I would be interested in the experiences of others.
On the positive note I have learned so much more about the male mind that I would ever have been able to do in real life. Some of the men on here are happy to share their thoughts and experiences on events and issues in their lives and those of us who listen can learn so much from them. I must admit my jaw has hung open on more than one occasion when I realized that men in general thought a particular way, but it has without doubt helped me in understanding my guy, and therefore helped me in my relationship..
On the negative side it has made me more suspicious than I have ever been before.. I have read so many posts from men who talk about their friends cheating on their girlfriends, and that so many of their mates do it. There was a thread recently about bucks nights, and a couple of guys admitted that most of the “bucks” will have some kind of sexual “encounter” on their bucks night…. Even the ones who think they would never do that to their GF. It ‘s so scary that even the guys who consider themselves totally loyal and in love will let the alcohol and the sexual suggestion finally get to them and they submit to the “urge”..
So I find myself thinking that either I am very lucky or very naïve, because I don’t know that I have ever been cheated on.. But some of these forum posts have me questioning my naivety, and have me looking for reasons to distrust my guy… Hence the negative/positive fallout from the forums…
Anybody else have forum fallout?? | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 2:01:46 AM | Unless you consider everything that you read about women in general to be true for you, why would you imagine that everything you read about men in general would be true for your partner?
Why on earth would you look for reasons to distrust him? If the forums are having that effect on you then I think you really should ban yourself from any further reading.
Forums make me feel lucky to have found the special person I have -- I see the awful experiences of others and I realise how very fortunate I am. He's an exceptional man (if I didn't think so, why would I be with him?) and so comments about men in general don't worry me at all - just make me feel more lucky, if anything. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 2:09:03 AM | I have received fall out of a different type from the forums. My girlfriend, who is not a member, checked on the site to see some of my forum comments. Unfortunately she took some things out of context, not to mention the horror of an unfiltered look into my brain, and it created some tension. In fact, I may be in trouble just for writing this. We'll sort it out, though.
Some good things came out of reading/participation in the forums. These threads clearly illustrate the difference between emotional maturity and immaturity. Its helped me see "red flags" where before I may have turned a blind eye. Also it gave me some insight into how women think (it was like staring into the abyss).
OP, there are good guys, and you should give your BF the benefit of the doubt. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 2:12:37 AM | I read the negative forums to learn how to avoid being miserable... to convince myself that resentments are poison to the soul, to don't look at the toilet when I flush...
I read the positive forums for validation that life is worth living... and if the negative influences my line of conduct facing life, then I'd block myself from here. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 2:16:26 AM | You don't even have to look at this place to see so many people willing to cheat on their partners. It sucks, it makes me kind of want to be paranoid, but seriously, if you let it get to you so much that you start questioning and second guessing everything and everyone, what's the point? Living in paranoia does not help a situation and just because you see the monsters coming to get you doesn't mean they're even real. It also doesn't stop anything from happening.
I don't have any problems with this and if anything on here becomes a problem for me, it won't be for long.
I've noticed one of the big things you see anywhere is a lot of negativity. While I'm not opposed to realistic approaches and views, this goes beyond skewing an image. This is like going to a room full of cynics. Nothing good can come of taking all this to heart or whatever.
Obviously the people with good relationships are not here complaining about them. Much like anything where people have good experiences, very few will go to a public place to talk about it, while those with bad experiences have no qualms with letting the world know. It's like in some of my classes, the teachers have said that bad service on average gets told to 10 people and good service is told to maybe 1. Or something like that. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:38:04 AM | for me:
Down side-there is a lot of negativity-(Moriarity! Always with the negative vibes...) I particularly don't appreciate the gender-bashing, supposedly by people who are on a site seeking a new SO.(generally of the opposite sex).
Up side- I have run into a lot of intriguing people, and here, gotten to know, through their opinions, their minds better in a few weeks, than personal friends which I've known for many years. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:41:23 AM | I agree the nature of the relationship, broken hearts and dating advice forums here are quite full of those negative things that cause a breakdown in relationships. They are definitely biased more in the negative direction because people are asking for help. If you look closely, they also offer much wisdom and empathy and compassion.
But, op, I think perhaps your post is really expressing the deeper issue that there is distrust in you that probably you need to work on and those forums are maybe just reflecting this issue already within you.....if you truly trusted, reading about others' distrust and 'justifications' would not budge your basic security in your self or your partner.
And so, perhaps it is time to do some deep work on this issue with him. I hope your relationship is based on honesty and truthful expression....for if so, he will want to 'heal' this with you.
My other thoughts are it sounds like you are coming purely from fear that has not been based in reality - so recognize these are your fears only and don't allow them to take over. You can just as easily choose to keep your mind and heart in the state of love. It's your choice...always. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:42:04 AM | | No. I trust my judgment at this stage in the game. (Even though I recognize that every decade or so you look back at what a moron you were in the decade previous.) | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:11:54 AM | Trust is difficult. Guys say they won't cheat, hmmmmm
Girls say they won't prattle on about how titanic is the greatest movie of all time, hmmm
And so it goes. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:44:05 AM | | The forums have been good for me to recognize unhealthy persons and avoid them. I had no idea so many were unhealthy and not aware how they operated, but the forums gave me a good peek into that, so I could avoid or dump anyone I met who showed the signs of being weak, immature, irresonsible, lazy and a long list of other negative characteristics I didn't want in my partner or life. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:49:54 AM | On the negative side it has made me more suspicious than I have ever been before.. I have read so many posts from men who talk about their friends cheating on their girlfriends, and that so many of their mates do it. There was a thread recently about bucks nights, and a couple of guys admitted that most of the “bucks” will have some kind of sexual “encounter” on their bucks night…. Even the ones who think they would never do that to their GF. It ‘s so scary that even the guys who consider themselves totally loyal and in love will let the alcohol and the sexual suggestion finally get to them and they submit to the “urge”..
This isn't just a male trait !!
Babe, I like when women cheat on me.. it sounds absurd.
I know but, it helps me not waste time , if they don't want to be with me. You cant make someone love you , until then love him with your whole heart until he proves otherwise, thats what will make you stand out above the rest if he is a supposedly "real man" as women put it.
Good luck to you , wish you the best!
Ross | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:56:45 AM | I read the negative forums to learn how to avoid being miserable... to convince myself that resentments are poison to the soul, to don't look at the toilet when I flush...
I read the positive forums for validation that life is worth living... I consider that extremely well said, as it sums up perfectly how I feel about the forums too.
OP, don't look for the negative when all is going well. A suspicious mind, when unfounded, is highly poisonous to a relationship.
All the best to you and your fish!
HnH  | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:59:02 AM | Just as rune said... the negative stuff in the forums make me realize just how extraordinarily fortunate I am to have found my sweetie. He's the sort who turns adversity into something positive... and that is rare indeed.
I've benefited and enjoyed seeing who people are and what motivates them positively and negatively. I see the negative stuff simply as people's pain and fear - we all have different types and amounts of pain and fear that cause our suffering. I offer what I can about situations, and I also use it to examine myself, my own pain and fear and how I deal with it and let it go.
You can't eliminate risk in life, there is no security. It is how you meet the risk that life is that matters. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:13:28 AM | I find the forums to be very enlightening for some. I am shocked how how many people dont know about what is just beyond thier front doors or not willing to accept it. The contempt and narrow mindedness for other beliefs and difference just amazes me daily. I feel bad for the people who dont have thick skin and let an insult ruin a good day. It saddens me to watch peoples morals and values fall before my eyes. But I love to laugh at you fools!!!! | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:39:57 AM | Trust is the biggest factor in a relationship for me. I think if you trust him than you shouldn't worry about him cheating on you. If you think you have a reason to suspect him, than you should take a closer look at your relationship, and not these forums. Not all men cheat, just as not all women cheat.  | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:47:33 AM |
In fact, I may be in trouble just for writing this. We'll sort it out, though. Why modify your behavior? If this is the way you are, at LEAST be true to yourself, man! JuHEEEzus guys can be stooooooooooooopid.
If she sticks with you in spite of yourself, you are lucky. However, I believe your OOPS moment can serve to be a good thing in disguise. It could be a moment for deeper understanding for both of you, or it can be used as an excuse to control your movements, your thoughts, and to dominate you. Believe me, despite the outward appearance, some women have a pretty thin veneer.
I believe anything that happens that causes a person to reconsider his or her state of affairs--sad or happy--is a blessing from God. If she stays, she is a good, understanding women; if she goes, she did you a favor. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:25:02 AM | I think most of us are guilty of ..........
Thinking we know someone.
We may “know” their general outward demeanor but .... we NEVER ever really know anyone.
“such and such has never cheated on me” ........ they say that like they know that for a fact. It is pure assumption - guesswork.
I was on the phone with an industrial sales guy. He was in a town a couple of hundred miles south of Kansas City (where I live). We started talking about Kansas City.
I found out by TOTAL accident that his buddy and been bOinking my ex wife (while we were married). He started talking about that good looking black haired gal (she was 100% Italian) that was the sister of the owner of that restaurant. That guy had NO IDEA that the gal he was talking about was my ex wife - my wife at the time. There is well over one million people in this area and ....... he started talking about that good looking gal that his buddy was screwing for couple of years back in ...........
I was married to her for 16 years. I never once thought she was screwing some other guy. It never crossed my mind - because .......
I knew her ............. yeah right.
We never know ANYONE. We never even know what is REALLY on our 14 year old son’s/daughter’s mind ...... we just think we do.
We never ever know anyone. Accept that and you will have fewer “shocks” in your life. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:42:34 AM | Right Before my last relationship I started peeking at the forums, and kept on coming across the same theme, something I never experienced with in any of my previous relationships, even online ones, the guy who says he is in a committed relationship but still IMS/ text messages others under a different ID while closing his accounts. It was a theme I saw over and over..
Later I entered a brand new relationship , which was exclusive according to him, he took down all his profiles, but I started seeing red flags, and the things I read about in the forums started happening.. He claimed I questioned the relationship from the start, and I looked for every reason to not take a chance on us, this was after we broke up because I had hard core evidence he was on Craigs List answering NSA ads and other booty call fetish sites.. There were other issues too, but this is the one which sticks out
I ended it, but as a result have wondered a few things
1) Did reading these scenerios on the forums here place a false situation in my head, and I created a problem in the relationship that wouldn't have been there? He claimed he had no intention on following up on the replies but did it becuase of my insecurity..
2) Did I attract the type of guy I feared by reading these stories about how this happened to others?
I wonder if reading the forums can be equal to watching way to many lifetime movies or Dateline TV, making one afraid to date and creating these scenerios out of nothing, or even attracting what we fear.. Since then, I keep on coming across posts that are so much like my situation, and not just the cheating, I am wondering if I am being drawn to it
I wonder if reading positive forum posts and positive dating experiences I will attract just that.. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:48:04 AM | | i think whatever we are looking for, we can find. if i am looking for evidence that most people cheat, i see it everywhere. the same goes for anything according to my perspective. if i have a strong hunger for a yellow fastback mustang, i will see one everywhere i go. the forums are great. people let out so much more about themselves because the keyboard and screen gives enough anonymity to counteract inhibition. good and bad. some people show their mean sides in here, others their insecurities. others, are busy fishing... | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:52:51 AM | My friends and the people I work with seems to put us in a catagory of being "desperate" ...many don't take sites like these as a serious venue to meet THE ONE but it's a venue to HAVE FUN...no strings attached...a short term love affair then create an OUT when the relationship is settling down to being a COUPLE.
My experiences with the paid sites...gave them(friends, family, coworkers) an "I told you so" finality about the whole concept..I tried...after so many experiences of constantly getting my ego slashed/burned. I decided to bow out of the paid sites ..saving a few bucks and recouping the epitome of who I am .
I have worked my whole life , never drank, took illegal drugs. I have always been a lady and am loyal to those who respect me..
My experiences with the male population are somewhat..disconcerting. They see me as a friend/sisterlike/confidant/therapist ..but never saw me as someone they could spend their whole life with...meet..create a quasi-casual relationship..then detach....and go on..occasionally I will get emails from them but just a gentle hello..how are you doing? ..then fade off again...only to get emails again about someone they met and moved in with them...
I have spent time ready threads about meeting-creating a relationship-detaching-moving on..sign of the times..fast food...fast relationships..I am done. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:34:02 AM | Yeah the forum can be real ****ed-up at times.
I've seen many things and many types here.
But at the end of the day, doesn't matter... it's just an internet chat forum.
Try not to take it too seriously and stay focused on the real world out there. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:49:25 AM | The forums have driven the last nail in the coffin containing my love life. After having seen so many examples of what is at work in the minds of women, it is now impossible for me to expect anything good to come of being close with one. I still believe there are a few exceptional women out there who would be great partners, but I also think they are too good for me. And by a few I mean just that, a few. Maybe about thirty or so. In all of creation.
It's not that I dislike women, it's that I recognize I am not compatible with them. So it would be futile trying to get along. I can't provide what they want; they don't like what I like.
I like sex with women. I see a woman, like how she looks, feel attracted to her. If I had my way, we would go to bed and have fun, fall in love, and live happily ever after. This is a simple view that leaves out most of reality.
What I find instead is that women are disgusted by how I look. I agree I look goofy but not disgusting. So I think what is happening there is they are disgusted with the suggestion they couldn't do any better; implicit in my interest, along the lines of "as if!" This problem of looks is a locked door past which there can be no progress.
But even if I met a blind one, there would be the problem of incompatible views and wants. If she held the kinds of opinions I see in the forums, yow, run and hide. In terms of wants, well, I want sex because I like it. She would have to feel the same. And if she did she would not be in the forums wasting time she could otherwise be spending having sex, since women can if they want. My idea therefor is that the women who like sex and like men are off having sex with men, and the single women are the ones who have some reason to be single. This presents a paradox that I am powerless to resolve.
The forums have given me the proof I need that I am meant to be alone and noisy about it. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:50:32 AM | Just because you now know what men are capable of, doesn't mean you should apply the very worst of male nature to your boyfriend. Do you love him? Is he a good man? Then he'll be a good man no matter what you learn about men in general.
People cheat. People hurt their mates. It's a risk you take when you decide you want to date, in hopes of finding someone who's right for you. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:55:07 AM | The forums are great..I get all kinds of perspectives on how folks think...I have learned how really messed up folks gravitate towards these sites...Does the whole world think like some of the folks on internet dating sites "No way"...I dont judge anyone based off an internet dating site...The worlds a pretty big place...
There are good people in the world..It seems the most whacked appear on these sites, making it very hard for some to to judge the rest of the world....
Forum fallout, "Nah"...I met some nice folks (woman) on the forum... | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:43:57 AM |
They see me as a friend/sisterlike/confidant/therapist ..but never saw me as someone they could spend their whole life with...meet..create a quasi-casual relationship..then detach....and go on..occasionally I will get emails from them but just a gentle hello..how are you doing? ..then fade off again... I notice this about men, too. Yet it's not just women who are the recipients of this behavior. I must have made dozens upon dozens of friends over the years, and after having moved on in jobs, new locations, whatever, we don't keep in touch. We've tried--mostly I've tried--but without jobs, families, kids, hobbies and interests in common a lot of men drift away from each other. It was fun while it lasted and the memories make it worth it. | |
|
Home
login 
