| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:12:14 AM | | I would just like some advice as to how to make my profile more appealing. Constructive criticism is appreciated. What do I need to change? ShouldI leave something out? Anything that will help me to stand out a bit more. ^_^ | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:47:00 AM | Outstanding job!! 
Had me at the headline...and kept my attention throughout. NOT an easy task....I only have a few minor "tweaks".
Find someone to take another main pic without the hat. Ladies will want to see the handsome face, all of it...show them peepers!! Best main pic, clear and looking at the camera.
I'd take the second paragraph of first date and make it the last of your about me. Just a quick cut/paste job.
Also your main body, put in a few more blank spaces. Break up what you have a little and space in between. If you want me to suggest where, I'd be happy to.
Outstanding, really, so articulate!! Be thankful to be blessed with such a gift.  | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:51:13 AM | | ^_^ Thanks. I appreciate the ideas. I suppose I do have some pictures with my face. Why is it wise to paste the last bit of my "about me" in the first date? Just curious. Also, what sort of information about my body? Is it that important? | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:57:47 AM |
Why is it wise to paste the last bit of my "about me" in the first date?
Just my opinion, I do think it relates more to "about you" than first date idea. You don't have to change anything, it's just a suggestion, you should do what you think is best and be happy with your profile. That's the most important.
Also, what sort of information about my body? Is it that important? Let me clarify...I meant the "body" of your profile...your about me, the content. Not your physical body, I should have been more specific.
Text is easier to read if it's spaced out a little more, I was suggesting paragraphing (putting in blank spaces) a little more. Like this:
Above anything else, I am an art student at CR whose preferred style is manga. I am also a brother, a son, a realist, and a friend to many. I may not be the social butterfly that society might expect a young adult to be, but I can be sociable when I choose to.
It's not that I don't like company, I'd just rather hang out with a couple of friends rather than many at once. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't do drugs. I am also a pretty family oriented person. I make an effort to keep in contact with my family because most of them have taken care of me at some point in my 18 and a half years on this Earth.
I have also been told by many that I'm wise beyond my years. While I may agree with them I still think that I have much to learn and many experiences yet to be felt. When it comes to conversation, I don't sugar-coat things for people. To me, it the same as lying to them. You're telling them what they want to hear, instead of what they need to hear.
That seems to flow a little better and keeps the subject consistent. When you change subjects you should "paragraph". | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:07:27 AM | Not your body - profile body. Although, if you want to put some blank spaces in your body, that I'd like to see.
First date is about first date, not about your match. That goes into "About Me", even if it is not about you as such. First date is "pick a scenario, describe it, indicate some flexibility".
The new pics are good, but a woman with her hand around your shoulder is not ideal. Not the worst case of that type of photo, but still... Unless she is your relative, I'd try more solo pics. If she is, at least put the caption to that effect on that photo.
Your handle is not something that makes much sense to me. Google shows that it means something in Latin, but not what it means. While it probably is significant to someone who knows what it means, it is not accessible easily to someone who does not. Might want to consider changing it - although it is memorable. | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:10:27 AM | Sorry, we don't do that new-agey "constructive criticism" thing. We just rip new ones and let the fur fly. Nah, just kidding. You have a pretty good profile, but you definitely need more/better pictures of yourself. Anyhow, This is my second annotation of the the day, so I hope that management will reflect it properly on my timesheet.
Above anything else, I am an art student at CR whose preferred style is manga. I am also a brother, a son, a realist, and a friend to many. I like this and think you should keep it. I would however like to see an edit that could strengthen the flow. I suggest that you swap the order of the two sentences. Phrases like "above all else" generally refer to something that came before it. It then drives home the point that comes after it, see?
I may not be the social butterfly that society might expect a young adult to be, but I can be sociable when I choose to. It's not that I don't like company, I'd just rather hang out with a couple of friends rather than many at once. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't do drugs. This is part of the same body of thought as the first two sentences. Make them part of the same paragraph, then end here. Next, is a new paragraph.
I am also a pretty family oriented person. I make an effort to keep in contact with my family because most of them have taken care of me at some point in my 18 and a half years on this Earth. Not bad stuff, but it needs elaboration before you can close the paragraph. I stopped you here, because the next part sounds like a different body of thought so I'll get to it later. This paragraph needs (all of them do) to be at least three sentences. If you close with two, the thought seems to trail off. Besides, if you're telling your reader that "X" is important to you, they will want to know more about what drives your passion. Something that important deserves more than two sentences.
I have also been told by many that I'm wise beyond my years. While I may agree with them I still think that I have much to learn and many experiences yet to be felt. When it comes to conversation, I don't sugar-coat things for people. To me, it the same as lying to them. You're telling them what they want to hear, instead of what they need to hear. I usually jump all over the "other people say" theme, but you seem to have done it pretty well. Instead I'm going to say keep this, it's good.
Next, I'll take a poke at your "first date" section. I don't often go there, but I saw a few things that should have been in "about me"
I suppose what I'd do on the first date depends on my actual date. Since I can't really say what I'd do, I will explain how I am in relationships. Bad tactic. Explain how you are in relationships by describing a possible first date. This is where your reader gets to imagine herself having a good time with you.
I am a guy with strong morals. I don't push girls into doing things that they aren't comfortable with. I'm sweet, kind, caring, honest, and loyal. I'm also very much into chivalry. I'm the kind of person that would carry you home if you were hurt, be there for you when you feel lonely, and treat you like a human being instead of an object of sexuality. I consider myself romantic. I like to do the small, but meaningful things that tell you I care about you. I like being affectionate when a relationship has gotten off to a good start (hugs, snuggling, kisses, the works). I know this may sound corny to some but I take these things seriously. If you choose to keep this. . .., let me start again. If you choose to keep this, it belongs in the about me section, because that's what it is about you. Putting it here makes you sound a bit narcissistic.
In closing, I think you need a closer. Nothing fancy, in fact you should be very careful because many a good profile was lost at the closer. Just make sure you don't close on that "other people told me" paragraph. Close on telling your reader something about what you're looking for in a woman. As when I wrote about your first date remember, she's trying to imagine herself in the picture you're painting. All you're trying to do is inspire her imagination.
- T | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:35:28 AM |
It was one of the best profiles I have read. The pictures are all nice and visible too! Great.
^_^ Thank you. I appreciate your compliment. | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:43:22 AM | ^^^Handle: unique? Yes. Memorable? What was the second word again? 95% of the North American population hasn't a clue about Latin at all. And to use something that doesn't easily translate with google or an online translator is a tough call. But I have to say your profile is probably one of the most well written and pleasing profiles I've read of any under 20 year old to date. You follow the book in pretty much every aspect. Your spelling/grammar/punctuation/syntax are impeccable upon first glance, and you have some confidence paired with modesty and humility. You are intelligent, good looking, and most of all you must have a fantastic family as they've helped raise an amazing young man by the looks of it. I'd stand up and give them a round of applause the next time you see them; they probably deserve it.
There are a few things you need to do to strengthen and complete your profile. You need to add about a dozen more interests. You seem to have traveled a bit so you probably have some cool interests you could share. Your About Me is great and I don't see anything that could really be changed or added. Im' sure you could add to it but you don't need to; you've covered everything very well. I especially like the way you describe the woman as elegant. That's classic.
You were to edit your first date and it appears you dropped it along the way somewhere. Go back and find the other half you were to keep, or write something new and exciting to close the deal. And that clear close-up of your face will do you wonders as a main. Your age range is kind of tight but then again at 18 I can't imagine many 25 year old women being interested at first glance before getting to know you, even though you'd probably fit in with someone a little older based on your intelligence and maturity. So do with it as you wish. Good luck my friend! | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:48:56 AM | You were to edit your first date and it appears you dropped it along the way somewhere. Go back and find the other half you were to keep, or write something new and exciting to close the deal. And that clear close-up of your face will do you wonders as a main. Your age range is kind of tight but then again at 18 I can't imagine many 25 year old women being interested at first glance before getting to know you, even though you'd probably fit in with someone a little older based on your intelligence and maturity. So do with it as you wish. Good luck my friend!
Firstly, thank you for the advice. Secondly, when it comes to the first date I'm never really sure what to do hehe. I haven't had too much experience in dating as I was in a two and a half year relationship. I suppose I could go for someone older. It's just kind of awkward for me. I have no idea why. I just get that feeling. | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:10:16 AM | What do you do with your friends..........those are most likely first date ideas.
Well, we like video games and such. Can't help it hehe. Although, that's not very appealing to a lot of girls I think. Let's see....
I like movies. However, is that too cliche? It's what I did with my last girlfriend a lot. | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:29:00 AM | Okay, let me say that I also really liked it, and appreciate the work you've put into it. I've just got a few lil comments for you to consider and/or fix:
1) Shouldn't your headline end with the word "completely" instead of "complete"?
2) You age range is very narrow. I know you're a young man, but 18-22 is still a pretty short range. Did you know no one can even write to you to say, "Nice pic!" or "I liked your profile!" unless they fit into those restrictions?
If you find you're being deluged with emails from unwanted females and simply can't keep up with replies, you can always change it back to 18-22.
3) Couple of things in your "about me" section:
(I) want her ...to be hygienically clean, and have a good moral conscious.
Okay, I don't know a lot of girls who reek and need to be told to shower. I'd say take the "hygiene" thing out. And the last word should be "conscience."
...to compliment these traits, she must ....know when to just listen and be understanding, instead of speak.
You want a teenage girl who knows how to shut the hell up, eh? I've never met one yet, but I s'pose it's possible. And that word should be "complement."
Don't know what happened to your "first date" idea, but yeah, you need one. Movies? Eh, not the best choice. Art gallery, theatre, nice little bistro with candlelight -- that kind of thing usually flies. | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:42:59 AM | Thanks for noticing the spelling errors. ^_^
As for my headline, I had no more room to write so I had to improvise. I know the grammar is wrong with it but I didn't really have much choice aside from writing something else.
You want a teenage girl who knows how to shut the hell up, eh? I've never met one yet, but I s'pose it's possible.
I don't necessarily mean I want them to shut up. I mean if I'm having a bad day or something I'd like them to just let me talk to them about it and be there for me. That's all. I don't mind them offering input, I just want them to know when to listen. (not that girls don't know how already ^_^) | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:05:44 PM |
Aww, it's okay, I know what you meant, I was being irreverent.
^_^ I'm glad someone finally just asked. It means "Silent Night" in Latin. I took a Latin class in high school out of curiosity and benefited I guess. However, I'm not referring to the Christmas song hehe. It's my screen name on many other sites such as deviantart and I think Myspace. I just like the sound of it in Latin. | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:04:33 PM | About your profile: It's great, really you belie your age with the maturity of your pen. The only improvement I could suggest that will bring in the women, I mean by the truckloads, is to copy-and-paste my face into your pictures.
Seriously speaking, it would be nice to know now and in the future what your rate of being contacted is. I would like to know it and use it as a benchmark. (Sorry. By "benchmark" I meant a standard against which all other Fish successes could be measured. "Benchmark" does not mean an object or a face that you keep hammering until you make a permanent impression on it, like on a workbench.) | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/18/2008 12:47:44 AM |
By "benchmark" I meant a standard against which all other Fish successes could be measured. I'm flattered that someone would want to do that with my profile hehe. Is someone like me really that rare here? | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:49:17 AM | Silens, you rarified existence in the general order of the cosmos.
We don't know what's the norm. Norm never told us. I got approached by one woman in my five or so days of membership here. I'd say that's not bad, given what I look and sound like. But there is a guy who got four replies yesterday. That's all the raw data I've got.
From the responses in this thread, you're like some sort of seventh wonder of the world. Young AND erudite. That's very rare. Add a little tobasco sauce... sorry. So I was wondering if you'd let me know, because I'm into numbers and records keeping and statistics. If you're shy, or for other reasons you don't want to make this data pubic, you could send me an internal email within Fish with the average number of contacts you get in a week. I don't have any homophobic restrictions on the email I can receive. Despite being hetero. Yours will get through I expect. | |
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| Constructive Criticism please. ^_^
Posted: 5/18/2008 1:52:18 PM | Erp, I meant the word in your headline should be "unexpectedLY," and not "unexpected." Dunno why I said "complete."
And yes, a well-spoken, intelligent young person here is as rare as...rare as....um...as rare as a Faberge' egg in a stream of...errr...bat's piss.
So that's a GOOD thing.  | |
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