| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:06:30 AM | Ok so here goes,,, i split up with my ex at the end of feb we have two kids together both under 5 and both with physical and developmental delays. we got back together for a breif period and then i found out he put his profile up on here whilst we were still together so we ended it again. two weeks later hes out on a date after lying to our 4 yr old little girl telling her daddy was poorly so he cuoldnt see her tonite.
he then continued to see this woman that he met on POF.
it is now five weeks later and tonite is his engagment party.
now the HUGE problem i have is that although hes only known this woman for 5 weeks and shes already living with him and got a ring on her finger shes still not happy and has now made him cut his hours that he spends with his kids (it used to be 4 hours during the week and every weekend)
its now the 4 hours during the week and every other weekend im also not alowd to contact him what so ever unless it is and emergancy (HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO RAISE TWO KIDS WITHOUT BEEN ALOWD TO TALK TO EACH OTHER?) he wont be attending any school meetings/plays/open days ect as she dose not want him in the same room as me.
now im only 25yrs old my ex is 43 and the new girlfriend is around 46 she has four grown up children
the thing is i dont beleive he is being the dad he should be to our children and im now concidering telling him to just stay away from us alltogether
as the way i see it my kids would be beter off without him if all hes gonna do is let them down time after time due to putting the new girlfriend first
so if anyone out there has been in this sort of situatin befor id be very gratfull for some advice
thanks for read
S,A,B | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:22:43 AM | | it must have been bad if it comes to not being able to be around each other/talk Don't you have to see him when he comes to pick/drop the kids off? As much as you'd like to control the environment/people around your kids, you can't. You have to adjust and make do. It sucks that your ex is getting influenced by not spending time with his kids, he will regret that later on. The best thing to do is to is just have an open door of the time he cna come visit. At least the kids will get to see him sometime, wheras if you take him out altogether that may affect them later on. 2 hours is better than nothing and you get a little bit of a break. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2008 11:32:34 AM | | my advice is to talk to a lawyer and set up vistation and child support arrangments. also tell the deadbeat dad if he cant deal with being a father first then he should just walk away all together. i being a single father of a 21 yr old. from time to time have not gotting alone with his mother and i have had girlfreinds over the years since but always my rule has been my son came first. and if it meant taking time during the weekend to do stuff with him instead of going shopping or whatever with the girlfreind then so be it. he should remember its his kids first then her second girlfreinds and future wives will come along anytime but having kids and really loving them is the most important thing in life. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2008 12:02:36 PM | It really is amazing, isn't it...that some grown man will allow someone else to determin what type of parent he's allowed to be....pretty pathetic!
Unfortunately, you can't force him to be there for his children physically or emotionally...he, or in this case 'she', has to make their own choices. You can, however make sure that he's there financially for his children and I strongly urge you to take care of that, if you haven't already.
Maybe one day he'll figure out what he gave away and if he's a very fortunate man, his children will allow him into their lives...
Very sad.... | |
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Posted: 5/17/2008 12:10:15 PM | I can't see this new relationship lasting, she obviously has a few "issues" - control, insecurity, jealousy ........ need I go on? 5 weeks from 1st meet to engagement + limiting his time with his kids? She'll be his wife not his commanding officer.
I'd expect contact to dwindle significantly for about 12 months or so , and then for him to reappear once he's realised the grass was dead on the other side, expecting to take up with the kids as if nothing had happened. At that point they'll have got used to doing without him, and you'll have a period of readjustment on your hands as they get to know him again.
In the meantime, don't argue, let him have the contact he requests, but document it religiously. This is so he can't claim you are being unreasonable when he waltzes back in later. By then you'll be the best person to judge the kids emotional state and how ready they are for overnight contact etc (under 5's thrive on routine, especially those with any kind of learning delay so this is not a man-bash). You'll need to stay in control at that point for the kid's sake, and the only way to do this is to bend over backwards now and be as accomodating to his wishes as you can.
Kick up too much of a fuss right now and your kids risk losing all contact over the next 20 years it'll take you to raise them and see them safely out into the world as happy adults. Sadly he's thinking with the little potato only right now, and it'll be a while before the lights go back on at Potato HQ.
I don't think this is right or just, just how telling how I see it panning out, and your best chance of salvaging the long term relationship your kids will want with their Dad.
In the meantime, ensure that you don't let contact dwindle between the children and their paternal grandparents etc. The new "Commanding Officer" can only boss so many people around, before she comes unstuck. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2008 10:20:45 PM | My ex and I split up when our daughter was 4 - your ex's visitation mirrored ours - and it was an amicable split initially. He also jumped into a serious relationship in record time- and I even called him when I saw them together to comment on how darn cute she was. I was actually happy for him. A few weeks later, I found out she had Felony child abuse, child neglect and assault with a deadly weapon on her record as well as 5 aliases. Theses charges were from her own daughters (now adults). When I raised my concern for her felony record his response to me was "do anything to ruin this relationship and you will regret the day you drew breath".
Fast forward : Once 'she' moved in to his house our 'co-parenting' ended. He called me and told me never to call and don't ask for any 'favors' to help out - that it upset his wife and she made his life hell.
Once they were married the visitation schedule changed and then they blocked my phone line & my daughters grandparents so we had no phone contact with her (illegal). ..eventually police became involved. It was a nightmare.
His marriage to #2 lasted a year thank god - turns out she was verbally, mentally and physically abusive and drove wedges between him & family. She stalked him for 4 years after that and did some time in the funny farm.
My point? Look at the example above and realize that he is making his own choices between the kids and the new fiance. You can not influence his choices. Your best approach to this is establish legal visitation (not verbal) and pursue child support based on the visitation (not verbal) Then, pretend he doesn't exist except on the days he is supposed to spend time with the kids. Focus on building a support network among family and friends rather than depend on him. If he steps up and cares for the kids when they are ill - and doesn't give them back to you to care for - good for him.
We should not rely on 'hoping' that the other parent steps up to their parenting role based on our expectations. We can not force them to participate in the lives of their children nor can we dictate who they choose to bring into their childrens lives.
It's a tough road ahead - especially when the new relationship has multiple 'red flags' & causing strife. good luck. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 3:08:41 AM | ^^^^ I really feel for you & hope you were able to reduce the damage to your kids successfully^^^^^
I can't imagine not listening and doing a bit of research for my self if my ex warned me about a potential partner to the extent you did yours. Not feeling a vibe for the person is one thing, ignoring criminal record for child abuse is beyond my comprehension. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 6:35:17 AM | faithfey-
He and I had the "red flag run talk" at our daughters soccer practice one day after 'she' was out of the picture. I think he learned his lesson the hard way as they say (restraining orders / security cameras) and it took a lot of courage for him to admit he made a mistake. It probably killed him to ask me (the ex) how to avoid unhealthy relationships.
My point for our OP was that regardless of what you say or do, or even how much the child 'needs' their dad around, the 'ex' will make life choices (wise or not) My case was probably the worst case scenario to illustrate just how unwise their life choices may be. My daughter was too young to remember a lot of it - but she's been in counseling off and on throughout her brief life because of pretty severe anxiety issues and not knowing how to cope with lifes ups and downs. I'm just working on getting her to 'normal' so she can have a healthy future. I can't point fingers and say her issues are from his #2 wife - or who he dated in between #3 - or even at myself.
In my little world it is better to be alone raising my daughter in times mentioned above than to try & force visitation or participation in our daughters life. I have a support system among family & friends. The good news is he is now married to a really nice gal - and she adores my daughter and they have a really good relationship. He see's our daughter 4 days a month - and that was his choice. I offered summer vacation, every weekend, and every school break... he crossed the days off because they didn't work for him. Again, he made his own choices (wise or not). If he wants extra time with her I never interfere - figure it's a good thing and let her go. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 6:38:42 AM | Hi SAB,
Sorry about your situation but I believe the worst thing you can do to your kids is cut their Dad out of their lives.
Four hours during the week and every other weekend is actually more than what a lot of men do.
Whatever the fiance wants; it's up to your ex to figure out and chose.
If he doesn't want to go to the school meetings/plays etc, that is his loss. For YOUR kids sake, why don't you try to arrange different times so that he can participate ?
Remember, you are not doing this because fiance is dictating it, you are doing it because your kids well being is more important than some bimbo that has your ex around her finger.
I am going to assume he is a half decent father because your kids were seeing him every weekend. Him being in your kids lives is what is best for them and you as the Mom need to stay on the high road for their wellbeing.
I hope this makes sense to you.
All the best ! | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 5:50:06 PM | 
Hi, I am proud of you for doing the right thing and standing up for your kids. I don't think it's fair on any child to go through not knowing why daddy doesn't come home & I know from experience it's really hard.
The best thing to do is get some legal advice (legal aid is free) and put everything in writing- it may feel or seem harsh but in the long term it is what's best for your children that really matters. Have set times (the current arrangement) but also let him call, see or visit his children if he has other times free.
Try to arrange the exchange/s at a neutral setting; I've heard some councils have Contact Centres, the children get some playtime and the parents don't have any contact with each other, making it a little easier on everyone. Child/ren in the play room while drop off parent leaves -a child care worker watches the child for 5 minutes until the pick up parent arrives.
I hope this info is useful, and I believe you are a strong woman who will make it through anything. Good Luck | |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 8:59:52 PM | | I,m going to have to say she is a control freak , and if that is the case then your kids are better off. It's a shame,sounds like he is with out a clue to what is important in his life. The way i feel his children should always come first and screw her to put it bluntly. Keep your head up you are a good mother. | |
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Posted: 5/20/2008 8:14:57 AM | Oh so you are in leeds england?
Why not look up that single parent's group that JK Rowling launders her money through?
They will help you take him down a few pegs and get all the child support you need.
Thats what this is all really about anyway - right?
L777 | |
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Posted: 5/20/2008 9:57:05 PM | HELLO THERE.
BLESSINGS TO YA.
I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OF FOUR CHILDREN. I HAVE BEEN DIVORCE FOR TWO YEARS NOW, AND IT HAS BEEN REAL HARD. I HAD A MELT DOWN, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, " BAD THINGS HAPPENED FOR A REASON". WE WERE MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS, (HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS). PASTORS OF A CHURCH FOR 8 YEARS BEFORE WE GOT DIVORCE, BUT MY POINT IS THAT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I HAVE BEEN THERE. TRUST ME YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE JUST FINE, GOD IS WATCHING OVER YOU AND HE WILL HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS. " YOU BE THE STRONG ONE",, FIGHT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN, GET YOUR HEAD UP AND MOVE ON. I AM 37 YEAS OLD AND I FEEL AND LOOK AS IF I WAS 29 SO I HAVE BEEN TOLD.
LOOK HON. LET IT GO. SEEK GOD'S GUIDANCE, MINGLE WITH POSSITIVE PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO WILL INSPIRE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN TO LOOK FOR A BRIGHTER FUTURE. YOU ARE YOUNG AND VERY BEUTIFUL. REALITY IS THO; THAT THE CHILDREN WILL BE IMPACTED TO THE MATTER NO MATTER WHAT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN ONLY DO YOUR BEST.
I LEARNED NOT TO TALK IN A NEGATIVE WAY ABOUT HIM TO MY CHILDREN, AFTER ALL THEY WHERE MADE OUT OF LOVE AND HE IS STIL AND WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR FATHER.
I TELL MY CHILDREN TO HONOR THEIR FATHER AND LOVE HIM WITH ALL OF THEIR HEART, (THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIKE HIS ACTIONS, BUT THEY DO HAVE TO HONOR HIM).
MY HEART AND PRAYERS GO TOWARDS YOU.
"GET UP, DRY YOUR TEARS, SEEK THE LORD, LOVE YOUR SELF SO YOU CAN LOVE YOUR CHILDREN EVEN MORE.
YOU CAN DO IT. I DID IT. SO CAN YOU.
PS' DON'T DWELL ON WHAT YOUR EX DID, IS DOING OR WILL DO,. WORK AROUND IT, YOU ARE SMART,
COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOU TOO WILL HAPPENEN EVENCTUALLY, ME AND MY EX CAN'T EVEN DO EYE CONTACT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? RIGHT NOW WHAT MATTERS, IS ME , ME, ME SO THAT I CAN BE THERE PHYSICALLY, MENTHALY, EMOTIONALY AND SPIRITUALY. YOU NEED YOURSELF AND YOURSELF.
SIRCERELLY;
MONAFEA | |
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Posted: 5/21/2008 12:48:00 AM | | hi im cazza695, i am a single mother of two boys, i can understand only to a point, my advice is to you is contact a socilitor and explain the situtation, or go to lifeline and either way you could get a consent order mutually agreed to. i hope this helps but if you have any other questions plz free in emailing me. | |
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Posted: 5/21/2008 5:26:33 AM | hi, im sorry to hear of your situation. firstly, do you have any support from your local surestart? They are there to help you with anything. speak to a family worker and get some advice, they will be able to point you in the right direction.
Secondly, is this man really benefiting your children when he sees them? Are they going to be upset if they stop seeing him? Are you upset because he has found someone else? I can understand your frustration and hurt, but if he is allowing this woman to decide when he sees his children, he is not worthy to be a father and you should cut all ties with him completely. you will be able to raise your children alone and you will do a good job. I am a lone parent myself because my sons father decided he didnt want to be a parent to his son. my son is three years old and he hasnt missed out on anything. I really do think you need to tell this man to f***off. go and see a solicitor to get full custody. i wish you luck. xx | |
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Posted: 5/21/2008 5:17:26 PM | Lashandra777, not only did you contribute nothing to the thread but you appear to have read a different post from everyone else because rereading the OP, not once did she mention any issue about child support, just wanting her X to spend as much time with his children as he can which is what any good parent wants unless there is a reason the X should be kept away from the children; safety or emotional issues.
Your X is choosing a woman over his children and there is nothing you can do about it. She may settle down after they are married but he may always choose to do what makes her happy at the expense of your children. Your best plan of action is to assume that this is the way it will always be and make the best of it. You cannot make him be a better dad just as she cannot make him be a worse one, they are choices he is making.
I would suggest if you have any opportunity to communicate with her that you offer some type of olive branch because while you may see her as part of the problem in the break-up and would prefer that she not be around your children, making the new woman an ally is the best way to ensure that your X fathers his children to the best of his ability. Some women are pure biatches and while it is difficult to understand someone with grown children behaving this way, they are very insecure and jealous and don't love people well, seeing the children as a threat and impediment rather than an enriching part of the package.
Sad but save your energy for the battles you have to fight and leave this one alone, you won't win. If the visitation was not spelled out in the divorce and custody agreement then make it "legal" but recognize that you cannot force him to use the opportunities he has. | |
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Posted: 5/30/2008 11:37:26 AM | well 2 be honist he dont deserve his kids.me and my ex have split.im now 365 miles away from them and it hurts like hell.i go on a 7 hour drive to see mine every 3 weeks.my advice...f**k him.his loss | |
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Posted: 5/30/2008 6:19:03 PM |
my son is three years old and he hasnt missed out on anything. I really do think you need to tell this man to f***off.[quote/]
Well lets see what you say when your son is.......well lets say.......16 years old. I am willing to bet ten to one that your son will be singing a different tune than you are right now. Your child has not even reached the age of awareness and you just like the rest of us humans are no expert in what happens in a child's mind as they develop. If there is a possibility of having the other parent involved then they should be involved provided there is no evidence of abuse. If the amount of their involvement is not enough the child will eventually make that decision. If the other parent makes the decision for them for the rest of their developmentle years, that parent runs a very high risk of jeopordizing their own relationship with the child.
Kenny | |
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Posted: 5/30/2008 6:36:23 PM |
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO RAISE TWO KIDS WITHOUT BEEN ALOWD TO TALK TO EACH OTHER
You do the best you can. You step up and do what you need to do to make up for the lack of support on that end. I am not defending your ex, but it is what it is. YOU can only control what YOU do.
Live your life, take care of your kids and when he wants to participate, encourage it fully. Seriously, take my advice. Do not engage him. FIght with him, etc. Do not try to get out of him what he is not capable of giving right now. Your kids will be better off for it. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 5:07:12 PM | sometimes this is what happens when you get involved with an age difference.
you cant force people to be parents, forcing the issue will eventually harm the kids, sit back and just be the best mum you can he might come back to them when the flush of new romance wears off, and you should stop being jealous, Oh yes you are | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 6:19:55 PM | Ok, first of all sounds like he has made is pick. He wants to play around and not be with his kids. If you want to tell him to just stay away, you need to talk to an attorney and do it legal.
If you don't, you could get your self in big trouble. My best friend is an attorney and deals with things like this every day. I my self can not understand how any true man could pick
playing around over his own kids. Kids are a true gift from God. God Bless | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 11:30:31 PM | You were only 19 when you had his first child? He was 40. That should have been a huge red flag for most of your friends and family. Does he have children from any prior relationship? If so, does he spend time with them? Is this a pattern of his?
If not he's probably a big child that has grown tired of playing house with you and he's decided that he wants to play with people his own age. Fatherhood or motherhood is not for everyone.
You cannot turn an irresponsible guy into a good father or mate. Raise your kids, love them and expect nothing from your Ex. | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:37:58 PM | | At that age he can make his own decisions. I am not saying that this woman didn't put ideas into his head...but he is a big boy. If he isn't being the dad he should be, that is his choice. I say, cut your losses and move on. | |
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