| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:55:43 PM | hi all!.. what answers i`m seeking are..
1) what should i be looking for (any signs)?..
2) at what age do most kids join gangs?..
3) what would you do if you found out your child was a member?..
4) what preventive measures have you taken for your child not to become a member?..
5) if your child is a member of a gang.. do you fear for your safety as well as your other child (ren)/other family members?..
the reason why i`m asking these questions is b/s my daughter whose 12 & in gr. 7 has lately made poor choices in the friends she hangs out with & what she`s been doing w/her life lately (which i will not disclose at any time throughout this thread)!.. this has me worried greatly!.. my daughter use to come to me & talk to me about everything.. but lately she has 'shut down'..
if anyone has answers/tips on how my daughter & i can re-connect.. we would both appreciate it!.. ty..  .. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:41:31 PM | http://www.gangfreekids.org/gangs.html
http://www.thesitefights.com/wepatrol/Gangs/antigang4.html
http://www.knowgangs.com/forum/
Gangs are bad news and can destroy your child. Do not try to hide your suspicions. Visit these web sites and you will find many answers. If you want to talk with someone who has had a kid in a gang you can message me with your questions and I will help all that I can.
Kenny | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:03:46 PM | | thank you ksr61 for posting the links.. i have checked out all 3 of them (the forum one didn`t seem much help.. but the other ones were of great help!).. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 12:43:54 AM | Op.
As a fellow Albertian, here is the GANG warning signs from CPS.
http://www.getalife.ca/
Pretty dramatic info.
If the video doesn't scare the life out of you first! | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:52:27 AM | Hi
My son has got in with a gang. He has just turned 16 on the 6th off may
He has scars all over his body drinks swears steals self harms Attacks people on street etc etc.
I aked for help 2 years ago I went to a panel about his non school attending ie over year and half he didnt go to school. They told me they dont feel hes a danger to himself or others, But Its me that sits at home waiting on him coming in with more cuts His throat was cut last week from another guy .He has to attened court 30th off may for arson and robbery
And he,s is now out off my control. Ive already lost a son 6 years ago sudden death and i cant take it in how my child has turned out like this after he knows what ive been through..
Not trying to scare you im being honest ps my children dont want for nothing maybe thats where i went wrong? Who know,s | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:34:54 AM | The best anti-gang detterent is the parent. Bottom line,you have to monitor
her like a hawk. Know what she is doing and where she is going 27/7 for the next 5 years, and know who she is hanging out with. Never let her drop off the radar for even a few hours. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:42:27 AM | | i`m so sorry for your loss frances.. it isn`t ez to loose a child & then to loose another child to a gang.. its hard to say where we as parents go wrong w/children when they 'decide' to become a member of a gang.. i think they have it 'set' in their minds that their not getting the love/attention at home & think by finding it in a gang is the answer.. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:48:46 AM | | time?.. does that mean i should stop working so that i can keep an eye on my daughter??.. being that i`m a single parent.. i can`t stop working since i`m the sole provider for my family.. and as far as knowing who she hangs around with.. i`ve asked 'who this person?'.. i`ve asked for first, last names, phones numbers, addresses, etc.. but to no avail.. she doesn`t want me to know anything about these new 'friends' of hers.. when these 'friends' have called here.. i`ll ask 'whats your name??'.. they won`t tell me either.. most times they`ll just hang up on me.. if there`s another route i can get information out of her.. then i`ll take it.. thank you.. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:55:34 PM | I sat and spoke to my son tonight,He came clean and told me he acts like that to come to terms with his brothes passing.When he drinks it makes him foget for a little while he says, He tells me he loves me all the time buys me flowers etc etc But Im honestly so scared im loosing him in a diffrent way if not already lost him
Love and light Frances | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:03:12 PM | I'm sorry to hear you're having these problems with a 12 year old.
I love the term "Raising Teenagers is like Nailing Jello to a Tree" lol
Her friends hanging up on you is completely unacceptable. I would definitely *69 those calls and find out who these people are.
She is controlling YOU by not telling you the answers to your questions. She is only TWELVE she is still very much a child and you are the parent here. Take the reins. If she doesn't provide the information regarding her friends to your satisfaction you have the right and obligation to prevent her from seeing these people.
I learned valuable lessons with my oldest son - different story with my youngest son. He's 15, I know where he is 24 hours a day. He has a cellphone he can stay in contact with me and vice versa.
You can also go online, she probably has a Nexopia account and you can see who most of her friends are there. This is how many teens her age keep in touch. If she abuses this priviledge... take the modem to work with you. She can go online when you get back. There are things you can do. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:25:19 PM | frances.. its not to late to save your son from this type of 'lifestyle' he`s living at the moment.. there is help out there.. copy the links that have been given in this thread & then go to the sites.. i found they are useful & quite knowledgeable!.. .. if you want, you can add me to your friend`s list..  .. maybe we can help each other threw this trying time.. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:36:32 PM | hi cndn.. ..
i can`t *69 when these 'friends' call b/c they hide their numbers when they do call here..
i believe my daughter is defying the rules i have here at home.. i don`t know if this is part of the 'process' of a pre-teen since my son wasn`t as bad at that age as my daughter is now..
i know i have the right to prevent her from seeing these people if she doesn`t provide me the information i`m seeking.. but when i`m at work.. she still has that 'opportunity' to see these 'friends' at school.. and yes i have called her school to let her teacher, principal, school counselor know of these people my daughter can not hang around with.. but they are not there to 'babysit' my daughter (as was said by them)..
and as far as taking the computer away from her.. i have.. but then my 17 y.o. son wasn`t happy.. he felt he was being 'punished' as well for something he didn`t do.. so its a catch 22 here..
and yes there are things i can do.. hence why i`m here seeking answers/a possible solution from others that have knowledge &/or have gone threw this w/their child(ren).. .. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:34:54 PM | to be honest, i wouldn't worry SO much - right now. she's 12, its normal really. i have a 12 yr old cousin who is kind of doing the same thing. just keep the communication going on your end. don't corner her into a wall with threats, just always let her know that you are there when she needs you. my mother told me this over and over, and at first it was annoying, but then once my first big problem came around, i went to her first. ask subtle questions, slightly in a way that you would ask a friend. make her comfortable.
i had a few friends my mom didn't like, but she knew that i wasn't a follower, and it was because of our communication. she even followed me around the mall once and saw me telling my friends to stop being so rowdy because there were elderly people sitting close by. LOL she knew then that i could be trusted.
sure i did things that were bad from time to time, but its normal.
im pretty sure shes just at that awkward age where shes starting to like boys and is emberassed to talk about it with her mom.  | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:25:37 PM |
to be honest, i wouldn't worry SO much - right now. she's 12, its normal really. i have a 12 yr old cousin who is kind of doing the same thing. just keep the communication going on your end. don't corner her into a wall with threats, just always let her know that you are there when she needs you. my mother told me this over and over, and at first it was annoying, but then once my first big problem came around, i went to her first. ask subtle questions, slightly in a way that you would ask a friend. make her comfortable.
i had a few friends my mom didn't like, but she knew that i wasn't a follower, and it was because of our communication. she even followed me around the mall once and saw me telling my friends to stop being so rowdy because there were elderly people sitting close by. LOL she knew then that i could be trusted.
sure i did things that were bad from time to time, but its normal.
im pretty sure shes just at that awkward age where shes starting to like boys and is emberassed to talk about it with her mom.
A completly immature and childish answer. This mother is asking about gangs. Even your own mother checked up on you. So you think doing bad things from time to time is normal? What if the 12 year old CHILD becomes addicted to drugs, becomes involved in prostitution, steals, robs, kills, DIES, etc. All behaviors associated with membership in a gang like the bloods, crips, MS-13, Latin Kings, Mexican Mafia, Skin Heads, Brown Skins, etc. Think it is all confined to California? WRONG!! I guarantee there are gangs near you. Very few places are lucky enough to not have them YET. These organizations (and they are well organized) prey upon kids who feel unloved, who come from homes with only one parent, kids who are victims of abuse, kids who are victims of Parental Alienation, kids who are rich, kids who are poor. They prey on these kids and drag them down into the trenches of hell and it is almost impossible to get them back. They certainly will never be the same again.
Do not take the possibility of gang involvement lightly. You cannot be your childs fairytale story friend when this is suspected. You have to be a parent. You have the obligation as a parent to dig and find the answers. No matter who gets mad or upset with you. It is called LOVE. Love for the child. 12 years old is very much a child. A child who can very easily cease to exist if a parent does not do what they should to protect them.
Known from experiencing it,
Kenny | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:32:37 PM | Watch a show called Gangland. It is a documentary that comes on the History Channel one or two nights a week. It identifies and describes different gangs each week.
http://www.history.com/minisites/gangland
Kenny | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:59:45 PM | Do you attend church? perhaps you should sign her up with one of those big sis/big bro groups so that she gets some good direction. You may not believe in God but it's a good place to go at that age so they can be in a positive environment. It's more likely peer pressure that is making her want to hang out with these friends. She is at the age where she wants her privacy and doesn't want you to know her business. Perhaps it's because she feels you are judging her and telling her what to do and hence keeping these friends to herself. You need to take a look at yourself and see how you are as a parent. Perhaps ask your son how you are, maybe you can lighten up on some things, and if your daughter sees that, she'll come to you more. Your first thread, I'm confused, she's 12 and she's already messed up some things in her life, that seems like you're pretty critical of what she does, what exactly can she do that's wrong at that age? Perhaps you need to take her in for counseling and work out those issues she has, because if you leave it alone, they wont' go away, it will just be hidden with other new issues. Both you and her should seek counseling together, and her individually.
If you have the option to move, then you should consider moving so that she's not around those friends.
As for the computer, perhaps you can put some restrictions on it when she's around, I think you can make a profile for each of you and the one for your daughter, you can put restrictions on. And have each profile have a password so that she won't go to yours or your son's. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:37:55 PM | no we don`t attend church wander & thats by personal choice.. i believe my daughter as well as my son can get positive reinforcement elsewhere besides a church.. my extended family (as well as my son & myself) have let my daughter know that we are here for her no matter what.. that she can come & talk to us about anything & everything.. but she`s at this age where we`re just not 'cool enough' to talk too about anything.. and 'most likely peer pressure that is making her want to hang out w/these friends'.. i would say it most def. is!..
once my daughter hit gr. 7.. she slowly changed into this person i don`t know any longer (i`m sure i`m not the only person who has gone threw this!).. she has 'shut down'.. snaps at everything i say & do.. yes i still re-enforce that she can come & talk to me about anything..
Your first thread, I'm confused, she's 12 and she's already messed up some things in her life, that seems like you're pretty critical of what she does, what exactly can she do that's wrong at that age?
critical??.. not at all.. concerned for my daughter`s safety & well being?.. of course i am!.. hence why i have written this thread asking for help.. and as i stated in the original post.. i will not at anytime throughout this thread discuss what my daughter is doing/going threw.. understand?.. i asked some questions & am seeking some answers.. not sure why its so hard for some posters to understand this?..
If you have the option to move, then you should consider moving so that she's not around those friends.
hummm wander??.. do you actually think these problems would just 'disappear' if we were to move??.. every single city/town on this earth have these 'types of kids'.. no town/city is segregated!..
anyways.. thank you for your input..  .. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:00:53 AM | OP: Since you won't disclose her actions here, then based on what you have said and her age...I think I would be looking more closely at depression instead of her joining a gang. Also, I am not familiar with your area, thus don't know the prevalance of gangs there.
She is hitting puberty and is going to start rebelling. That's natural...but even gang membership signals a greater problem from within. They are searching for acceptance and attention...but in the wrong way.
Personally, I would start taking her to private therapy. Let her do it alone and then also both of you together. You may be amazed to find out what is REALLY going on with her.
~Welder's Girl~
EDIT: OP, you can call your phone company and have them make it where 'private' or 'unknown' callers cannot call your house. They will either have to unblock their # or they will have to disclose their name (depending on phone company).
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:01:40 AM | All I can say is do NOT put your child into a behaviour modification program. These are private facilties that prey on desperate parents. They lie and con. They are a completely unregulated industry. If you put your kid in there you will NOT get them back.
The United States is working to control this industry, but here in Canada NOTHING.
I have put this situation on the fornits site. The people there are now adults, but were in your daughters shoes when they were young. You will gets loads of advice from there. I'll post back when I hear something. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:32:25 AM | ((hugs)) to you for starters.Gangs are not something I have had to worry about "yet" but I do have concerns for my children. Particularily my daughter, based on her actions due to a disorder she ahs I can unfrotunately clearly picture her involved in a gang lifestyle, or pregnant at 12, on drugs etc. I can also see my oldest son getting into trouble with drugs and alcohol, but not to the extent that I can see my daughter. I made the choice 2 years ago to do everything I could to help my children before we hit the ages were those influences can start becoming an issue. I have been homeschooling my kids for 2 years now, so that right away did 2 things, gave them back their positive feelings to education(my son was severely bullied and talking about suicide at age 7), I wanted them to have the desire to learn brought back, because if they are focused on their education they will be less likely to fall for the other behaviours, and b) it severely limited what contact they have with other kids that are doing thigns I do not agree with such as stealing etc. Of course I still have to earn a living, at first I worked split shift in a daycare, so they went with me to work and in between shifts we schooled, now I am opening a home daycare, so they are still home with me schooling but I am still supporting them. We do attend a church, which has helped alot but I see that you are opposed to attending one. I keep my kids busy in extracurric's, the busier they are having fun and making suitable friends the less time they have for trouble making.
Of course I can not guard them 24/7 and there is still "bad" kids/influences in my neighborhood but it certainly helped to combat alot of it. When they are out playing I keep an eye out, and check on them often etc but still give them the freedom to make mistakes and learn on their own when it is not their life in their hands.
I have seen a major change in my kids since I cracked down on them like this and made sure I was here 24/7 for them. It has changed our lifestyle to a point as I certainly made more money working f/t out of the house but the long term payoff is much more. My kids are still young so who knows if by 12+ I am still standing by this, but seeing what path they were headed on 2 years ago compared to where they are headed now is a huge thing.
The poster that suggested putting the time in with them 24/7 was right, but finding a way to do so is difficult especially for a single parent, but I refused to let my kids become just another statistic, they have so many strikes against them being from a single parent home, diagnoses that lead to problems, a parent with an addiction who subsequently abandoned them etc I had to do everything in my power to tip the scales back in their favor. If you can find a way to work from home and be around more to supervise than do so. Another option I have kept in mind for when my kids hit grade 7 is private school, so all girls school for dd and all boys school for ds. The girls school is run through a public school so is tuition free, but with the edcuation of a private school, the boys is expensive but if it keeps them out of trouble and focused on their educations while they are young again worth it. You should see if there is a school like that near you and if you think it would help keep her away from the influences currently in her life at school. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:29:31 PM | well I don't think every city/town has gang problems, sure there will be some kids who will rebel but overall, I don't think they have to worry about their kids joining gangs if their town/city is in a quiet, good environment area.
I'm not asking for details, nor is others who have asked, but it's more of trying to find advice/ideas for those issues she's having.
Well since she won't go to you or your son/family, church or some type of organization to help in a positive way may be more effective, it doesn't hurt to try for awhile. She's at that stage where she thinks her family doesn't understand her, so having a good atmosphere may be a good outlet for her to reach to someone. It does hurt that she'd rather go elsewhere for help since so long you have been the caretaker and you want to help her, but getting help in some way is something you can do and you are doing something about it. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/19/2008 3:30:36 PM | | thank you to those who have responded to my thread.. at the moment i`m going to take some time away from it as i received some not so good about my daughter & need to get my thoughts together.. i`ll be back in a few days to respond once again to questions, etc.. once again.. thank you.. | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:30:46 PM | what you described in a 12 yr old is fairly common, and your panic about gangs could be an over reaction. Kids at that tween age tend to get closer with their friends and less apt to confide in mom and dad like they once did. If you are that concerned about her new friends, and behavior, set boundaries and enforce them. Don't depend on a list from a website to determine if she is in fact involved with a gang. the bottom line is she is making choices you dont agree with both in friendships and behaviors. Before you start accusing her of anything, have evidence and be certain of what she is actually doing. Kids generally get acceptance from their friends that they dont get from home. Their friends arent going to require much from her as you will. Your primary objective should be her safety and welfare.
ask yourself this one key thing
ARE THIS REAL CONCERNS BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS, OR AM I GOING ON WHAT I HEAR FROM OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT HER FRIENDS? | |
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| looking for some answers about kids & gangs..
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:50:02 PM | in response to:
A completly immature and childish answer.
the OP did not give (in my personal opinion), hard facts that could be compared between her daughters "shut down" and a gang. im in no way saying that she should disregard it, i think this poster said it best:
what you described in a 12 yr old is fairly common, and your panic about gangs could be an over reaction. Kids at that tween age tend to get closer with their friends and less apt to confide in mom and dad like they once did. If you are that concerned about her new friends, and behavior, set boundaries and enforce them. | |
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