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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:44:53 AM | I've just spent a lovely weekend with my new man - only 2nd meeting but we'd got to know eachother pretty well online beforehand. We had sex for the first time and it was wonderful, really right and tender but passionate too. He's told me since he's falling for me and has thanked me for coming into his life. My instinct is to trust him and he even introduced me to his much-loved daughter (20). We live 4 hours drive apart though so won't be seeing him for 2 weeks. We've agreed to being totally open with eachother and there's no need for games but I feel terribly vulnerable now. He's the first man I've slept with in the 2 years since my divorce. He's very open about his feelings and grounded too and welcomes communication about intimate things. Oh yes, we're grown-ups, he's 52 and I'm 50.
So I'd love to be able to tell him that he makes me very happy but that having sex again after all this time has made me feel really vulnerable. If we could talk about it in the way we talk about other emotional issues, I'd feel so much better. But if I say this will it come across as clingy and insecure? Will it scare him off? Or should I just trust that he really really likes me and go with the flow? Being in an LDR doesn't help either (although if we can get into a routine re: seeing eachother and how often we talk, I know I'll feel much better) - I know that if I was seeing him sooner I wouldn't feel so much like this! Thanks! | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:51:08 AM | How hard is it to say "I feel really vulnerable right now."? C'mon, you can do the deed, but can't talk about how it made you feel? 
I understand that the extended absence after such intimacy is difficult, but you'll just have to be strong. You believed enough to share such intimacy, I reckon you'll just have to keep believing. :) It's either that, or allow all kinds of negativity to invade and take over. Let it be what it was. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:07:26 AM | OP,
I am with Funny Girl. You say you are an adult, so act like one. Really, if you are feeling vulnerable then have a conversation about it and why. As written, he sounds like an open bloke who you trust. So trust him!
The bottom line is you found a man you could make you feel vulnerable again. Isn't that wonderful? LOL. Handle your biz, just don't whine about it or be scared and run away. Take things slowly--meaning expectations--and one day at a time.
Much luck to you and yours.  | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:11:37 AM | We've agreed to being totally open with each other and there's no need for games but I feel terribly vulnerable now.
Soooooo........you've made an agreement you don't feel like fullfilling? Either be honest and open with each other or tell him you do feel a need to lie and hide a bit.
Am I the only one that sees the schizophrenia in what was said and what is being asked?
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:15:46 AM | ^^^ Eazk, you have a point. But some women can have typically much stronger feelings after sex. At that point, you don't know if it's too much for the man if you divulge ALL of your feelings. However, like you pointed out, this OP and her lover talked about that very thing and promised to be open and honest. You are right. It's time for her to uphold her end of the bargain. If he doesn't then she knows, he is not what he purported to be.
Perhaps, the problem is she's scared to test their relationship and him by revealing her true feelings. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:25:15 AM | | Be careful with your feelings, feeling that way is probably very natural you've opened yourself up. I would love to say to you just go with the flow smile and be happy you found someone who woke you up someone who you felt comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. good luck. Sharing it with him might make you feel a little more vaunareble, because your showing your insecurities. And don't put all your eggs in one basket if you know what I mean, you did say this was only your second meeting. Just go with it. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:26:33 AM | | You're very astute Lois, I'm scared to test him, even though so far I have no reason to doubt him. But as you say, I'll know that he's not what he purported to be, if I reveal my feelings and that sends him running. But as the others say, if I'm prepared to have sex with him, then I should be able to talk to him openly too. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:38:43 AM |
But as you say, I'll know that he's not what he purported to be, if I reveal my feelings and that sends him running.
I disagree. I don't think that necessarily means he isn't what he claims to be. It may just mean you two aren't a great match after all. Shoot, his ending it, if he does, could be based on so many other factors, just like it might be if you ended it. You two just started out and don't have too much of a foundation yet, so how can an ending this early on mean that he's deceptive somehow?
If you changed your mind/heart in the next couple weeks, would it mean that what you shared prior was deceptive, or less than you claimed? Might it mean that maybe it just wasn't enough?
Just stuff to ponder.:) | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:41:25 AM | You are still at the giddy heights of your first sexual encounter for over two years. Leave it a couple of days, and see how you feel about it after then. Do not contact him, otherwise you might let something slip and your feelings might come tumbling out and he may get wind that you are feeling this 'vulnerability' which does seem to be too much at this early stage of the relationship to lean on him. He might feel responsible for your perceived neediness or you might frighten him off! When he does call you be positive and optimistic.
Take care of yourself, do you have any close female friends you can fully confide in? Enjoy your memories of the weekend, he is probably feeling good about it too ... let the relationship build slowly and naturally. A fortnight is not a long time to wait! | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:46:24 AM | Like all things, timing is everything.
And, know that men, too, can feel vulnerable after some time has gone by and they find themselves in a relationship.
If it were me, and it's not me...but if it were, I would just talk by phone about how good everything feels right now, and the next time you are face to face with him, tell him about how you feel, and ask him if he feels any of that.
You'll be able to tell if he's standing in the circle with you
good luck
'Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:22:39 AM | I can relate to this, as I'm sure many of us can and I have a few thoughts...
1. First of all, being open and honest does not mean spilling the contents of your mind to him all the time. So it is not being deceptive if you keep some thoughts private. you are entitled to privacy. OTOH, it *is* deceptive if he asks "how are you feeling" and you say "oh, awesome, boy, that rocked, big ball of fun" and don't answer honestly, more liked "really enjoyed being with you although I feel vulnerable afterwards, feel kinda raw and exposed".
2. how to deal w/your feelings? This works really well. Instead of telling him every insecurity, write it down. You can do it in a word document and save it in a private folder on your computer. Or, start a very anonymous online blog. Change names, and blog your feelings, like you are telling him, or talking to a best friend. I've actually seen this suggested in one of my women's magazines I read. When I do it, and I read my entry a day or 2 later, I am SO glad I didn't email it to my guy. When I don't do it, often I regret telling my guy my insecurities b/c once I feel better I feel silly about what I told him. google has a blooger that is very easy to use.
3. Again, just want to share that, from my female POV, feeling insecure after the first time makin' whoopee is quite normal. you shared your body, and a little bit of your soul. you like him. You don't know what he is feeling. You aren't sure where all of this is going to go or how you'll handle the distance thing. Who wouldn't feel that way in your position? But I bet you anything after you talk to him or see him again, you'll feel SO much better...and perhaps even wonder why you felt vulnerable in the first place.
I feel this way sometimes b/c of the nature of my relationship w/"my guy" as he is scared to even call it a relationship. But then I'll see him and he'll say something like "last night I was laying here thinking about you and wishing you were here" and I"ll realize that my worries are groundless. We have to give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes, ya know? Instead of worry that we are "out of sight, out of mind".
Kaylie | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:42:54 AM | Honestly???? I think you took things a little too fast for what you were emotionally ready for. You do not sound like you have the emotional strength yet to just 'jump' into an intimate relationship without drowning yourself in your insecurity. You now have four choices:
1) Stop all physical contact until you get your head on straight and can except the fact that you are not 16 anymore and a virgin that has done the "naughty"
2) Contact him via email or phone and explain that you are going thru some major head games with yourself and need to talk to him about it. What's the worst he could do? Brush you off as some flake and carry on to the next one?
3) Take a deep breath, tell yourself to grow up, start growing a tougher skin and quit second guessing yourself after the fact.
4) Ask to slow things down until you feel emotionally secure in this new relationship. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:48:30 AM | | Tell him, " I feel vulnerable and strong " ... that way you are encouraging yourself to be strong and you are not being clingy....that's how I handle these things anyways...hey, you're normal...nobody is here to judge you. It's tough keeping the feet on the ground, but you can do it. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:55:57 AM | | Tell him!!! Quit putting a negative spin on it. God forbid you would allow your man to feel (gasp!) SPECIAL! God, how good it feels to be "special" to a woman! | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:58:15 AM | Trust your intuition IF your eyes are wide open. NOTHING lasts forever, so IF it feels right goes with it. What you are feeling could be an old program. However, it's not unuual to feel what you are feeling. True Love always scares the hell out of us at first. Listen to what Gibran wrote in his book, "The Prophet."
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:58:40 AM | ^^^ahhh, i love these lines -
".....And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself...."
Op, I agree, not now, but when you next meet, yes, please give yourself permission to share your deeper feelings.
It sounds like he would far prefer that than for you not to. And, no, it is not a sign of insecurity at all - to me it comes across much more as you trust him enough with your inner feelings and, if he is a caring man, he will appreciate your honesty.
You've shared your body....well, it's all connected to feeling ok to share your mind and feelings too. Trust yourself and your truth, op....really. It's going to be ok....whatever happens.
The other thought to waiting until you next meet is it gives you time to assimilate all of this and you might find these initial feelings subside to reveal even more poweful ones.
Life is an adventure and it sounds like you are starting on a new path. Trust it is the right one, or you would not be on it...and enjoy the blessings (for it sounds like this really is one!).
Also one more thought - consider your vulnerability a gift and not anything else.....for if you believe it comes from fear, then your man might also. But if you believe it shows some of your inner beauty and sensitivity, then that is what he will see. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:58:53 AM | Do NOT tell him you now feel vulnerable. Just because you agreed to be open doesn't mean you have to share with him every single thought and feeling and fear you might have. He's not your therapist. If you want to overwhelm a guy, start immediately pouring out your heart and fears and concerns and vulnerabilities to him at the very start of the relationship and then watch him run. Way too intense. No man wants to feel like he's instantly become the reason you get up in the morning - way too much pressure, understandably.
Also - never tell a man you feel vulnerable because *IF* the guy is someone who's manipulative or a con, he will totally take that information and use it to his advantage.
Just go with the flow. Try to resist the big long emails and phone conversations that express tons and tons of feelings you have for him. Keep things in perspective. You are in the very VERY early stages of getting to know each other. You do not want to overwhelm him or scare him off. Just my 2 cents. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:07:12 AM | 2nd meeting? Honestly, you don't know him well enough to be that intimate with him and it's natural that it is now messing with your head. But that's past and can't be undone. At least, realize that you also don't know him well enough to reveal these feelings to him either. I'd talk to him about it but I wouldn't bring up anything that sounded negative or insecure until you've gotten a chance to know him a little better and get an honest feel for what he's thinking/feeling. Maybe just a "I had a great time with you" type of thing would suffice. See what he offers in return.
I also like the idea of writing it down. It doesn't have to be a blog; just a journal or diary would do. Write down everything you're feeling and get it out of your system. Then put it away for at least a few days. Pull it out later and see what you think about your entry then. But don't get into any "serious" talks about it right now. Too many hormones and chemicals floating around to be a good conversation. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:32:04 AM | If this guy has no problems talking about his emotional feelings, maybe you owe it to him to talk about yours. I think if you bring it up, it will make you two closer. Just make sure not to put anything in an accusatory way (Not saying you would, but avoid phrases like "you make me feel vulnerable".
Also, try to figure out why you feel vulnerable. Is it because he is 4 hours away? Do you feel he has other women that he sees too? Are you scared that being this close with someone means that your life is going to get turned upside down? I would just suggest make sure that you know for yourself why you feel this way. What are things you can change about yourself and your mindset that would make you feel better. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:50:58 AM | Thanks so much everyone - such helpful advice from both girls and boys! I've decided just to call him tonight, I hate all these texts, just to let him know what a wonderful time I had and that it feels a bit strange today because he's not there, so I wanted to hear his voice. If he's as into me as he says, surely he'd be really pleased to hear from me, wouldn't he?
If I can't do that with someone I've just had the most intimate experience with, then there really is something wrong with me. And I'll try and leave it at that, unless of course the conversation develops naturally and maybe he decides to go deeper. Hopefully that will be enough and if I need a more serious conversation later, it can be done face to face. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:53:05 AM | ^^^^^YAY for you, OP. Much luck and love.
Meh... for the sake of pondering things Funny Girl (because I generally agree with your positions on things)...
I don't think that necessarily means he isn't what he claims to be. It may just mean you two aren't a great match after all. Shoot, his ending it, if he does, could be based on so many other factors, just like it might be if you ended it. You two just started out and don't have too much of a foundation yet, so how can an ending this early on mean that he's deceptive somehow?
In my exchange to the OP, which she replied and you responded to... we are specifically dealing with the scenario that if he were to end it based on her open and honest communication. If she were to tell him, "I'm feeling vulnerable because of XYZ." ...and that sends him running, guess what? He isn't ready for the open and honest relationships he said he wanted. Hence, he is not what he purports to be.
Whaddya think about that now? | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:14:55 AM | If you think about it, it's always the same song. Two people fall, one (or both) get scared, and backs off. The pendulum swings back and forth until it settles in a comfortable spot for both.
Guys have the advantage in that only one circuit can fire in the brain at any one time. If two fire simultaneously, we get *really confused. But if you look at a woman's brain, every little itsy-bitsy neuron is firing all the time, at the same time. That would cause a stroke in a man. That's my lame theory anyway.
Coming from a guy, I'd say you're thinking too much. Relax and enjoy the ride. If you don't want to get hurt, you could just ignore dating altogether. But that sucks too eh? "Older" people tend not to play so many games, so at least you're safer than dating a 20 year old. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:36:22 AM |
Guys have the advantage in that only one circuit can fire in the brain at any one time. If two fire simultaneously, we get *really confused. But if you look at a woman's brain, every little itsy-bitsy neuron is firing all the time, at the same time. That would cause a stroke in a man. That's my lame theory anyway.
That's not a lame theory. Sorry to tell you, you aren't the first to come up with it. LOL. There's a neurophysicist (or something like that) who goes around sharing his findings using stand-up comedy. It's a righteous laugh. If I can find it, I will send you the link. | |
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| Had sex with him, help, feel so vulnerable!
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:55:59 AM | L67.
IMO having sex for first or second meeting is not a good idea but only for me...i dont judge you because i dont really know you at all,besides both of you are adults so whatever comfortable for both of you then just do it.
I said having sex for first or second meeting in not good idea because we dont really know what's on a man;s mind---is he testing the water, is he using only the woman for sex it could be anything.Sex will always there ...it can wait,but trusting a man and being comfortable without feeling vulnerable and guilt takes time.
Ask yourself what made you decide to sleep with him,it because you like him, or because its been 2 years that you havent have sex,or you want to keep him that's why you had sex with him...these are only my outlines(i could be wrong)
It seems that you have hesitation if you could trust him or not....listen very careful what your guts says and go from there.Your gut is your best friend...it can go wrong,
good luck. | |
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