| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:50:52 AM | ~ Just putting it out there, but I think my question is one we all ask. Guys and ladies...
After the first meeting/date, when is it considered appropriate to communicate with them again. Even just to say thanks, but I just wasn't feeling the love....or maybe even the opposite.
It seems ridiculous to try and second guess this....Feedback? | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:42:28 AM | | I regard it as a social obligation; you should thank someone as soon as possible after the event. If someone has trouble with that - tough. It's only polite, IMHO. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:43:18 AM | | I usually drop a quick line later that evening - to say something along the lines of "thanks, it was nice to finally meet." If I felt no spark or just wasn't interested in seeing them again, I generally just tell them in a nice way that I don't get a sense that we're a match and I wish them the best. However; if the guy has misrepresented himself in any way (looked a lot different in person than pics, had lied about his size/height, etc) or if he was obnoxious or c*cky and presumptuous while at our first meeting that I'd naturally want to see him again......then generally I don't write anything, I don't figure I owe a jackass any explanation. If he asks for one, I'll offer it but usually these types don't handle rejection well and they become rude and pouty so what's the point? I seem to have more experiences with the latter; they're pushy and already making plans for the next 2 weeks, 'assuming' I'm diggin' them. C*cky is a huge turn-off to me. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:45:03 AM | | The "Rules" and opinions vary widely on this. Just do what feels comfortable to you without being offensive. That is what I do. If someone chooses to be offended by your best efforts, then that is their problem, not yours. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:28:32 AM | I just say thanks at the meeting itself and shake their hand. I basically avoid making any comment about calling them or talking to them again, because to me that's lying. If they ask, then I tell them straight out I'm not interested in another meeting. If not, I assume they'd know; not everyone you meet's gonna pan out - and if I make no gesture about a further meeting, then - well...yeah, I don't want one.
If I did enjoy myself and like the guy, I will do the opposite and drop an open remark about getting together again before leaving. Then the next day (if a night meeting) or that night (if a day meeting) I send a text or e-mail saying I enjoyed it and thanking them. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:06:02 AM | | I dont think there is a certain timeline to communicate again. Just go with your gut, and if it was a good first date tell them the same day, next day or whatever you feel comfortable with. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:45:20 PM | | I like to find at least a dozen voice messages or emails waiting for me by the time I get home from that first date, or I won't think she meant it when she said she had a good time. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/19/2008 2:09:35 PM | Just the one text or email to say thanks for a nice evening is polite even if you never want to see them again.
I agree that it's not always good to give a reason when saying you don't want to see someone again...however always polite to tell them you don't wish for another date...not just vanish off the face of the planet , like some think its well clever to do (but never consider the person actually has feelings and deserves a little respect).
I don't believe you should push for a second date. A little space is no hardship..say 2-3 days...longer than that tells someone that either your life is too busy and you really don't have time to date...or that you really arent that bothered after all.
People are on here to date and alot are looking for Mr or Mrs right...therefore common courtesy goes a long way...treat others with the same respect as you want from others and you really cannot go wrong.
Then you may find that even if a date maybe isn't your idea of Mr or Mrs right/ relationship material...they may become a good friend.
in life you can't have too many friends. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:14:51 AM | It depends on the situation.
If I felt some chemistry/click then I usally send a text on my way home saying "Thanks, Had a great time and can't wait to hang out again" or something of that nature. I don't believe in waiting, I don't like to wonder if the other person wants to see me again so I don't make them wonder.
If there was no chemistry/click then I send them an email saying "Thanks but I just didn't feel any chemistry. I wish you the best of luck."
Either way they know where I stand within a couple of hours of ending a date. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:09:35 AM | For one... I tell them straight up at the end of the night.
If I had a great time, or not... I tell them. I let them know what I think and feel at that point... and wether or not I want to see them again.
Simple, honest truth.
If I'm not interested, I just politely tell them so and why.
I might tell them that I wouldn't be opposed to hanging out sometime just as friends, but that there's no interested in a relationship on my part.
None of that BS about "I'll call you" and then disappearing. That's just a complete ***hole thing to do in my opinion. If you say you'll talk to them again or want to see them, you should mean it 100%.
If I am interested, then I tell them that at the end of the night. Let them know that I'd love to see them again. And maybe even start working out a rough idea of when and where the next date will be.
If the date is over early enough, then I might send them a message or call them later that evening, before bed. Or, if it's already late, then I'll contact them the next day.
Either a message in the morning, or a phone call when convenient (or both).
And I'll basically just tell them what I felt about the night, how I enjoyed it and wanted to see them again. Not only is it the polite thing to do (basic courtesy everyone deserves)... but it also just helps them know that I am serious about things... and not just one of those jerks who'll say he had a great time, then never contact her again.
I've been on plenty of dates where the woman's just lied about things. Being a coward, and making up crap about having a great time when she didn't. I'm sorry, but if you're not interested... just tell me upfront. Don't lie to me about, and disappear later.
I've had a couple of times when the woman has told me that she had a great time, but just didn't feel that connection with me. That attraction that she was hoping for (beyond a physical one).
And that's fine. It's a shame of course, assuming I'm interested myself. But I appreciate the honesty. I will wish her all the best, and we can part ways on good terms.
And generally, while it doesn't lead to a relationship... it does lead to a new friendship. We respect each other enough to be friends, just nothing more. And that's still a wonderful thing.
So simply put... if you've gone out with someone... tell them what you're thinking and feeling at the end of the night. And be HONEST about it.
And then either that night or the next day, just them a shout to let them know you're serious. And that you have the basic human decency to treat them with respect. ;) | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:53:30 PM | Attention Men....Please read Adam's 2 cents! lol
I wish everyone was like you Adam! Life would be so much easier!
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:51:41 PM | Every single person I have met, wether they wanted to meet me again or not, has contacted me within 24 hours of the first meeting. Many the same evening/morning.
There is no 'cooling off' period. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:42:27 PM | | So there is no etiquette in place that says the guy typically contacts first? Really? Just learned something new. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:16:25 AM | Originally posted by abc6587
So there is no etiquette in place that says the guy typically contacts first? Really? Just learned something new.
It is commonly accepted that the guy should. I have never had to make first contact to find a date- and never had the chance to make first contact after a date. I suspect it is because I am spectucularly good looking and modest.
Wait... that fails because I am neither. Still, the moral is that the whole 'man must contact' first thing is really a silly anachronism from some distant past. Wait again... that is a redundancy, but the point stands. If a woman wants something, they are more than entitled to do something about it- and when that something is me, I actively encourage such behaviour.
A lot of peoples failure with internet dating seems to revolve around too much expectation and too many anachronisms. It is new, it is different, it is exciting and it works if you do it right and approach it with an open mind. Staying positive and being open is more than half the battle. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/21/2008 5:54:31 AM | hopefully everyone knows the i'm ok - you're ok mentality i'm about to use here: in this instance, its refering to the viewpoint and how they felt about the other person; and then how to respond.
i'm not ok - you're not ok: no point. just wasting each other's time.
i'm ok - you're not ok: the next day thanking for the event.
i'm not ok - you're ok: the next day thanking for the event but POLITELY but HONESTLY declining any further events.
i'm ok - you're ok: no need to write, would've hit it off and known! if still not sure, then the next day. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:31:18 AM | Adam is right. I have never had a problem discussing with a woman at the end of the night how I feel about the date and her. Of course, there are many people who cannot even be themselves regularly so I wouldn't expect everyone to understand how to be upfront and polite about it anyway.
If you're kind and they're not, so what? You don't have to see them again. Don't let it get to you. Eventually if you want to you can find that special someone to connect with. Just tell them upfront. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:11:39 AM | | I agree - I have no trouble with that (Adam, grnman etc). And Dianne1971- MOST of us are like that :) - based on my quick and informal, but "scientifically" accurate poll of 3 or 4 guys in my circle. (lol) I always follow that sentiment up a day or two later (depending) with a phone call. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/21/2008 3:53:27 PM | | You should say nothing, except 'thank you' at the the end of the date. It's up to him whether he comes back to invite you out again. Don't chase. Just make sure he has your number. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:14:23 PM | I agree wholeheartedly with Diane. Way to go Adam   - I for two ,wish there was far more POF suitors like you!  | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:38:11 AM | Preta,
I wasn't implying chasing him.....just let him know you do/do not want to see them again. I think it's nice not to make the guys wonder if your interested or not.
Nothing wrong with letting them chase you but at least let them know that they are not going to run after you and smash their nose into a brick wall!  | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:58:29 AM | When is it appropriate? When you want to.
I'm really not trying to figure out all of lifes mysteries on that initial meet. More often than not, the first time I meet someone from on line it is going to be for a 20-30 minute meet and greet to get a cuppa and see each other face to face. During that time we will either just be polite and chat a bit or decide to make a date for later in the week.
One thing I know with absolute certainty is that you never, ever have to worry about if a guy is interested in you. He will let you know. The absence of that interest (calls, txts, anything to further communication) is also a sure fire way to tell when he is not interested in you. As well as sporadic calls, txts, emails, etc. Sporadic = filler. Really is no need to second guess. It either IS or IS NOT there. If you have to wonder.. it's not there so don't sweat it.
Haha, and for all you people that are going on about people who poof and vanish after a date.. I can only guess that you have never had a date in which you were trying to be politely honest with the other about how it was nice to meet but you don't really think you both make a good match to only have them go ballistically crazy on you and want to argue about it. If I even get a hint of crazy from someone, I'll poof in a heartbeat. I simply don't have the time or inclination to deal with the 'why, why, why, why, why, why' issue. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:20:58 AM | | Thank them when you leave...send a message or text later on to thank them again. I prefer not to say anything face to face about meeting again or not...I don't want to put any pressure on the other person. I normally send an email or message here to say thanks and it'd be great to get together again or it's very neutral and not much more than the thank you. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:57:48 AM | After the first meeting/date, when is it considered appropriate to communicate with them again. As soon as you feel it is appropriate. This ain't rocket science. If you have something to communicate, do it.
It's up to him whether he comes back to invite you out again. That's interesting, a lady steadfastly deciding to not make any investment in her future; in essence advocating not taking any responsibility. A lady is to leave her life completely up to chance if she is interested in a guy that can't read her mind to know she has interest in him.
Just make sure he has your number. Just because a guy gets a number from a woman, that doesn't mean she'll answer the phone, or even if that number is genuine, or even if she has any genuine interest in the guy. A guy having a number doesn't really mean anything. When I get a cell number from a woman, very often I immediately call it so that my number is in her call log. Then she doesn't have the excuse not to call me should she feel like being proactive in initiating something.
Adam Taylor's advice to a guy is spot on. The only area where I differ is when I think the woman is acting disingenuous for some reason. Like if she's real quiet and doesn't really communicate well. If I'm not interested, I show her the same communication effort she showed me. If I sense a flirter is just overly flirting with me, or is flirting with every other guy around me on our date, if I'm not interested further in her our date just politely ends as soon as possible and that's that. If I sense interest on her part and my romantic interest level doesn't meet this sensed interest on her part, I politely state that I don't wish to pursue anything more romantically and wish her luck. If I like her but not in a romantic sense, I tell her that, and that we can talk every once in awhile if she wants to, I may call her sometime too, but emphasize there won't be romantic interest drawn from me if we do converse more. Why should a guy burn a bridge with women he likes but doesn't want to date? | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:46:40 AM | The language of love is not like shopping for minced beef. The dynamics between a man and a woman are far more subtle than that!
For example: If I was to say to him at the end of a date 'Well, do you like me? Will you call me or shall I call you - when?'
- If he were to say yes, I will call you - clearly had already given this some thought, and in that case my question was either a waste of time or an indication that I thought he was an incompetent fool who needed constant prompting from me.
- If he were to say yes, you call me - this could be interpreted that he felt ambivalent about meeting in the future but might be up for a quickie if nothing better came up. Chasing a man is very unfeminine.
- If he were to say no I don't like you - it would be the first time ever, extremely rude and embarrassing ... and if this were the case, would I have to ask at all?
- If I were to not ask him at all, take his number and announce that I would call him and take him out he would feel emasculated and submissive to my direction and therefore feel underlying resentment.
To me, the politeness of the date is that we spend the time getting to know each other. Behave nicely, say please and thank you. Then go away at the end of the date and think about each other. I give my indication during the date as to whether I like him or not, he picks up on these signs and hints, I pick up on his signs and hints, then he has my number if he wants to get to know me better! He might be dating 6 women at the same time! He will know at the end of the date a bit more about me and that I don't get serious with multi-daters and he will have to think about that BEFORE contacting me again. He might decide against it and not call and if he doesnt call - then he is not interested (four days is about right).
Time and time again women are disappointed and despondent that budding relationships barely fail to leave the ground because they push the man into going out with them, or invite him to have sex to gain affection, languages become confused and in that sort of relationship the men usually behave badly. My system never fails, and I have never had a guy treat me this way because that sort is weeded out early. I believe that in pushing for a decision before the man is ready will scupper the relationship sooner or later - most men don't like being told what to do in their love life.
Maybe this is leaving things to 'chance', but it's a chance which won't break your heart. | |
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| ~What is the time between....
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:53:20 AM | | IMO if you like the person, let them know right away, if you don't like the person, it should be even sooner. Better not to leave a bad date up in the air,if your parting of the ways will be permanent, sometimes it's just better to say something right then and there. | |
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