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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?      Home login  
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 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 1
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?Page 1 of 1    
I dated a guy for a few months from another country; he was actually from Botswana; we didn't date for too long about 5 months; but things seemed so great; he was always with me he acted like he cared about me, said he loved me, was always calling me to come around and hang out with me. Then last May he went away back home for the summer for 4 months; and came back in September; and was acting weird; but slowly got abit better within a week of being back then a month later he breaks up with me. Using at first the excuse that his family didn't want him dating a white girl; and he had to listen to his family; then later on said that he had a girlfriend back home in his country and he was with her still; when we got together; then tried to claim he told me this before we got together and I said, I didn't care. Which he never told me that, or we wouldn't have gotten together. He said he had slept with her the whole summer; and only called me in the summer to avoid his friend telling his girlfriend about me. Needless, to say there was a lot of lies; and later on his friend back home (who he bragged to about dating a white girl back here and having 2 girlfriends), his friend once he left and came back to Canada went and told his girlfriend back there; and told her to look me up on facebook; and she wrote me asking what my relationship was to her boyfriend and I told her the truth (I felt bad about telling her the truth, but I was hurt and I figured she should have at least know what her man is doing over here; while he is apparently being good and just studying) thought she should know and then can make up her own decision, so I told her the truth and that I didn't know about her. They apparently broke up; and he blamed me for it. He said he hated me, and didn't want to speak to me again; however after a few days; he kept speaking to me. He said he wanted to try to be friends, so I said okay, so we hung out not as much, since I was living with a violent man and he hated coming to see me, I asked him for help in moving; he said he was too busy; I could do it myself; well the guy beat me up badly before I could move; my ex then finally once I moved into a new place; came over saw the bruises said he was sorry for not helping me move; and sorry for refusing to call 911 when the guy was attacking me.....anyway from January-April; my ex was calling me every weekend to come over and hang out, and in March he even came over like 3 times in one week; which was a major improvement since before Christmas was once a month he saw me. Then all of a sudden, in April; he gets a new girlfriend, 2 weeks after hanging out with me, and starts being a total jerk, he told me he hated me and couldn't stand me, but then kept talking to me few hours later. I am moving away in less than a week; and he keeps claiming we are friends, that he cares about me still and I really felt during January-April; we were becoming good friends and he has been the only guy; I could trust to talk too about the abuse and hurt that I was feeling from living with the guy, I was with; so anyway I asked him if it would be possible to meet somewhere in public; to say goodbye to one another; and talk for half hour at the most at some point during this week; he responds "your not worth 5 mins of my time, you were a horrible girlfriend, you told my ex, I cheated, you probably cheated too, were the same people, I don't want to waste 5 mins to say bye" meanwhile last weekend, he was at my house talking to me, it just came so out of the blue; I go "well I thought we were friends, he goes yeah we are but I don't feel the need to say bye to you; our whole relationship was based on a lie and a waste of time, just leave. That hurt so much since I really loved him and he says he doesn't think I loved him. I just thought considering everything we went through; and how the break down of our relationship was all on him, cheating and lying; he broke up with me but we remained to hang out all the time, and he knew, I was going through a hard time the past few months with the violence and abuse; I just thought that saying bye to someone who you once cared about and he claims he still does care; so why can't he say bye to me? Was that such a wrong thing to ask? I just feel so hurt, sad, and like he said all these things just 2 nights ago; that never needed to be said and the hurt and pain, I thought was behind us and we were becoming friends but since he gets a new girl; he just starts being a jerk again, although except the night he came over 2 weekends back while his girlfriend was who knows where; he wouldn't say but he tries to cheat on her with me...I just am so disappointed in him, he wasn't the man, I met, and I just thought he would at least say bye to me, I really loved him and still do somehow.
 DRNelson24
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 2
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:06:33 PM
that sucks.

Sorry for your loss.
 wutznot2love
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 3
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:26:08 PM
Did you know that 40% of sexually active adults in Botswana are HIV+? You'd be best off to go get yourself tested for HIV and then sit down and do some thinking about where you're at in life; you're very young to have such man dramas. Really.
 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 4
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:32:09 PM
Yeah, I do realize that, my ex had been tested about 3 months back and tested even before he left last summer; and he was negative for HIV both times. I went about 3 months back as well and I was negative for HIV and everything else they test you for. Which was about 4 months after he came back.
You're right, I just really cared about him and it just hurts so much. I've gone through alot of drama with men in the past few months; with him and just being beaten up by a guy who was my roommate.
 wutznot2love
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 5
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:34:39 PM
Well you've clearly been through a lot. Maybe you should considering finding a counselor or therapist to talk to, about all you've been through, how to process it all and move past it - and find the learning experiences within them. And maybe just take a break from dating for a while; it's not really healthy or useful to seek out a new relationship when one is still dealing with the hurts and disappointment of past ones, you know?
 eyesofdeepblue
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 6
Bottom Dwellers
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:36:49 PM
Sweet Angel,

I am so astounded after reading your message that it is almost impossible to address one issue at a time.

Your profile specifically states the following -

"Kind, Caring & Loving Girl wants to meet an honest, caring & loving guy. Honesty is the most important thing. Somebody with goals or knows what they want in life; a confident man."

That is who you claim to be , and what you claim to be looking for, but what is it that you actually accept? Abusive, disrespectful, controlling dirt bags, who may or may not even reside in the United States. You are a beautiful twenty four year old woman who needs to do a bit of soul searching because the toxic and destructive dynamics of the relationships you have created and/or accepted will prevent you from seeing ANYTHING with clarity. Invest in you. Learn what makes you tick, and for goodness sake - straighten yourself out and love yourself unconditionally BEFORE even considering dating anyone else.

www.gettingpastyourpast.com should be a good place to start.

If things from your past cause you to feel that this is all you deserve out of life, then get help from a professional who will help you to resolve those issues and to see the truth behind the choices you make. You may feel the need for approval and acceptance from others, but please understand - it would be humanly IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to have those needs met given your choice of abusive mates. If each rejection you have suffered (I counted two so far) trigger off your fear of abandonment, disapproval and low self esteem, you are doing yourself a disservice, unless you get help immediately.

Best wishes -
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:37:38 PM
First of all, being hurtful has nothing to do with being male. It's not gender-specific.

Second of all, the problem here really seems to be your self-esteem issues. You were with not one but TWO guys who walked all over you and treated you like s**t. One was physically abusive, the other was verbally abusive AND a cheat to boot. Reality check: He was never your boyfriend. He never cared about you. He only wanted you as an in-betweener: someone to use whenever some other girl was not available. That is NOT a relationship. That is you being used. The phrase "actions speak louder than words" is in full effect here. Someone can claim they love you until the end of time, but unless he or she has the actions to back it up (treat you with respect, compassion, etc.) then they do NOT care about you at all.

And you still wanted to be friends? Why would you subject yourself to that? FRIENDS do not put you down, talk down to you, or make you feel like dirt. This guy didn't want you as a friend, he wanted you as a (figurative) punching bag.

Trust me...this is coming from a woman who has been in both of these situations...thing will not change for you until you make an active effort to change them. Change your phone number, e-mail, whatever it takes to cut yourself off from this jerk. Get yourself some therapy or counseling if you haven't already. And for goodness sakes...stop trying to figure out why he's acting this way. Who cares? He's a jerk and a loser. And you deserve better. But it is going to take a lot of time and healing for you to see that.

Good luck.
 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 8
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:41:23 PM
Yeah your right. I've been through hell it seems in the past 6 months, just violence and disappointment from my ex. Yeah, maybe talking to a therapist might help. I am actually moving across the country in less than a week; to be closer to my family and hoping that will help me some and I'll be able to forget about my ex.
 btj_rv
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 9
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:50:24 PM
Bragged about dating a white girl? I don't get it. From what I understand about countries in Africa the entire concept of attractive is different than in the US and Canada. Perhaps you are projecting American and Canadian stereotypes of attractive on this guy. But moving right along. I'm not trying to be mean but your paragraph is difficult to understand. You say you were in a bad relationship, and that when this guy went away he cheated and his ex communicated with you when you told her about your relationship with him. And now he has another girlfriend and won't say bye.

First, I think you should develop self esteem because guys don't demean women who they are attracted to and want to be with long term and who they believe are worth being with. Somehow I perceived your projection of interracial relationships as being some stereotypical abusive relationship. I'd get some self esteem, and cute guy of color if that is what you are into who will respect you and not play into stereotypes.
 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 10
Bottom Dwellers
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:51:53 PM
Your right, my profile does say I want that, and I always seem to choose the wrong guys. I never dated the guy though who beat me up he was just my roommate. The guys always seem so nice and kind in the beginning and always turn out to be the biggest jerk ever. I think the reason why I wanted to be friends with my ex so badly was because first off I didn't want to believe he was such a jerk and at the time, he was the only one I felt like I could talk too about my old roommate; and about the abuse he put me through before I was able to get out of there. My ex came to see me after the guy attacked me, and I just feel like he was the only one I could talk too about being attacked and showed the bruises too. So that is why I kept talking to him because he was someone I could talk too, my family lives across the country and I haven't seen them in so long so I couldn't talk to them about the abuse.
 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 11
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:56:10 PM
No, I don't think that interracial relationships are abusive or that the men are. My ex never abused me physically ever, he never laid a hand on me. It was my old roommate who had beaten me up; and I was just saying my ex had been there for me to talk after it happened.
 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 12
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:00:06 PM
The other guy wasn't my boyfriend just my roommate but he was a violent man, and I was trying to get out but got out too late. My ex never hurt me physically. That is why we kept talking afterwards; since I could really talk to my ex about what happened.
 45470ss
Joined: 11/18/2007
Msg: 13
Bottom Dwellers
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:00:25 PM
there are alot of women that are the same on this site that like to use the decent men as well, & this is a way that they like to get back at there boyfriends, it sucks !!!
 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 14
Bottom Dwellers
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:06:02 PM
I do want a decent man. I never tried to get back at him, well I guess telling his girlfriend when she emailed me the truth was a way to get back at him, but I just really felt she should have known the truth and then decide. Even though, it probably hurt her even more than me. I do feel bad about telling her.
 eyesofdeepblue
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 15
You are not just choosing the wrong person
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:24:56 PM
YOU are the wrong person. SweetAngel,

While you may feel attacked by some of the posts, it is nothing more a group of concerned and frustrated people who see things with insight because we are not EMOTIONALLY connected to your abusers. In a nutshell, we all want to shake some sense into you, but that certainly will not be accomplished if you feel attacked or judged, because our words will fall upon deaf ears. I extend apologies to you on behalf of all the people who may have caused you to feel the need to defend yourself, myself included.

The fact of the matter is that you need to learn from your mistakes, not defend yourself. The bruises, and emotional abuse you experienced may prove to be a reminder of where you don't ever want to be. You have hit rock bottom and you came to us for help. Think about how you have been treated vs. how you EXPECT to be treated. Learn how to change your perspective, learn how to bring closure, learn how to develop insight, make the development of self respect THE most important thing in your life and to put into motion whatever steps you KNOW you need to take in order to begin your new life. Be honest with you family and tell them that you need their help, not their opinions. Visualize the new you. Feel the changes. Allow the things of the past to STAY in the past. Be passionate about the person you are, and make a promise to yourself that you will remove all toxicity from your life because you know allowing it to remain a constant will only cause setbacks. Please feel free to lean on me for support!

You go girl!

Best wishes -
 SweetAngel198424
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 16
You are not just choosing the wrong person
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:40:17 PM
Thanks for your response, your right, everyone is right, I made alot of stupid mistakes; and it is my fault...and I don't want to ever put myself in the position again where I am being beaten up or abused by a man...or allow myself; to be so blinded by a man, because I loved him and allowed him to walk all over me, even after we broke up; and I found out he cheated, I know most girls would never speak to the guy again in their life; but for some reason, I still cared about him and didn't want to believe he was the type of man who lied and cheated. He seemed so different before he had went away, so when he said we could still be friends; I thought ok, I will try to be friends with him because I wanted to see a different side to him that I had seen before I found out the truth. I just wanted to believe he made a mistake and learnt from it. I just also felt so alone and felt like I needed my ex to be friends with to get me through being beaten up by the other guy my roommate.
I've just had a hard time moving on from him since we continued to hang out and do stuff together even months after we broke up; but in my mind I was hoping he wanted me back. Which I really shouldn't want him back after what he did; but I just cared and loved him too much and I'm way too forgiving, I guess and stupid.
 hitman1040
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 17
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:02:53 AM
Look you are a nice person and you have wasted to much time on this man. Let him go and take it in stride. He is a butt and life is to short to deal with mean people. Erik . So smile and move on. The net is big so catch another fish!
 AnglFlynToCloseToGround
Joined: 4/16/2008
Msg: 18
Just So Hurt...Why Are Men So Hurtful?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:35:29 AM
Men and women do this and its hard to understand why ... Like others say , you need to move on ... Trust me it will never get easy ... I had a guy who talked about the future together and we would talk for hours laughing and it was perfect and three days ago it all changed .. Im in my 40s and this is happening so take a day and cry it all out and let it go ... then move on .. Life is short and must go on ...
 Jason-01
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 19
Let me guess
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:38:59 AM
You like men who are strong and aggressive because they will protect you. But in time they turn on you and you end up being physically abused. Then you find a new guy who will protect you from your violent exe's and he in turn abuses you. I spent 5 years working in an addiction recovery centre and I have met a number of people just like you. With relationships just like yours as well. You need to get into counselling to deal with your self-esteem issues. If you don't you will find another guy just like the past guys. You are likely as rescuer, like your mother was. Her role was to save the family from your father (just a common trait, I 'm not saying that this definately happened). If you are not in an abusive relationship you don't really know what your role is.

The biggest issue you need to deal with is getting your self esteem from the things you do rather than from what people say about you. You likely hate rejection and these guys use it like a weapon and manipulate you like a puppet on a string. If you pull away they say they hate you and you run back to get their approval so that you can put your self esteem back together.

Until you get help your past will be your future. Sorry.
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