|
|
|
|
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:31:20 PM | I've been dating this guy for two months now, and I really like him, but I'm thinking of calling it quits because I feel like I'm on the back burner. Let me make it clear that he does not want a girlfriend in his life right now because he is not emotionally available. He recently got out of a serious relationship.
Maybe I'm being unreasonable, let me know...
When we have sex, he's always the one to get off and I never am. He seldom tries to get me off. I feel that sex should please both partners, and if one doesn't feel satisfied, it's up to the other to do something about it. After he's finished, 90% of the time he either leaves the room immediately, gets dressed, or goes online.
The other night we went out to dinner and to see a movie he chose. I didn't mind this. So we get back to his house and he said he had a lot of things to do, so I couldn't come in. I asked if I could for just ten minutes, he said no. After I had the courtesy to see a movie I wasn't interested in, he refuses to let me in for a short time.
He asked me when he'd see me again, and I said what about tomorrow? He said he works. Then the next day I text him, asking him how he's doing and he said that the schedule got mixed up, and he had today off. He was glad because he got to do laundry and other things around the house, and shopping. Now this is where I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable since I'm not his girlfriend... He knew I wanted to do something that day, so why didn't he tell me he didn't work? I feel like getting things done around the house is more important than I am. He also didn't ask me how I was doing when I texted him.
I also asked about Friday doing something, and told him to tell me when he works. Well Friday came and went, so I decided to call him. I said we needed to talk. I said I feel like I mean nothing to him. He didn't try to convince me otherwise, he just went on a tirade about how he has made it very clear he's too messed up in the head to let someone in his life. The conversation didn't end well. It ended with him saying, "I don't think I'm the kind of guy you need." I said, 'You don't know what I need.' Then he starts screaming and says, "Well you only answer with 'no, yes,ok,' so you're right...I don't know what you need. I don't put up with bullshit like that." Due to his screaming, I felt like hitting below the belt. I said, 'I don't put up with bullshit where you'll only get yourself off and don't care if I get off." Then I hung up.
Now I'm not sure if I did the right thing. Afterall, he screamed at me. I haven't spoken to him since Friday. No communication on either part. I still have feelings for him, unfortunately. I feel like he was rare, in a good way, that maybe I'll never find a guy like him again. Please help.
I posted most of this except the last two paragraphs on another forum. They called me an idiot, which is fine, I can understand my idiocy, but I'd appreciate if someone could be a bit more tactful. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:53:24 PM |
I feel like I'm on the back burner. Let me make it clear that he does not want a girlfriend in his life right now because he is not emotionally available. He recently got out of a serious relationship.
While you're being clear with us, he's been clear with you; he doesn't want a relationship. He's admittedly emotionally unavailable. Does he need to draw you a picture? You are wasting your time on this one. You are merely a distraction and something to fill the (sexual) void from time to time, while he works through his past failed relationship. He's not even on the rebound. He's emotionally detached.
When we have sex, he's always the one to get off and I never am. He seldom tries to get me off. I feel that sex should please both partners, and if one doesn't feel satisfied, it's up to the other to do something about it. After he's finished, 90% of the time he either leaves the room immediately, gets dressed, or goes online.
Sorry to say it but he doesn't care about your needs. He's detached, just looking for a release and to get his rocks off and you're very accomodating. Why are you expecting more from someone who's made it so clear he wants nothing substantial with you? Why are you settling for less than you deserve from someone? When will you get the hint?
The other night we went out to dinner and to see a movie he chose.
Who asked who for dinner/movie?
So we get back to his house and he said he had a lot of things to do, so I couldn't come in. I asked if I could for just ten minutes, he said no. After I had the courtesy to see a movie I wasn't interested in, he refuses to let me in for a short time.
Good Lord girl, you're making yourself look desperate! You should never have to "beg" a man to invite you in, that makes you appear to have no dignity or self-respect. Why would you push to spend more time with someone who clearly doesn't want to spend time with you?
He asked me when he'd see me again, and I said what about tomorrow?
Why are you so eager and accomodating to someone who treats you like a dog?
He said he works. Then the next day I text him, asking him how he's doing and he said that the schedule got mixed up, and he had today off.
Come on, you're smarter than that. He didn't mix up the days he works for pete's sake; he lied about it so that you'd think he was busy (working) when in fact he wasn't.
since I'm not his girlfriend... He knew I wanted to do something that day, so why didn't he tell me he didn't work? I feel like getting things done around the house is more important than I am. He also didn't ask me how I was doing when I texted him.
Because...............you're not his girlfriend. He owes you nothing. You are settling for shreds and that's what you continue to get, along with used. He doesn't ask how you're doing because truly, and I say this with all honesty, he doesn't care. He is using you to fill the void and to get his rocks off with - nothing more, nothing less. You are the one who is putting up with this and you are the one who wants to make 'something' with a guy who doesn't want that, and has outright told you.
I seriously can't even make it through the rest of your post because I feel badly for you; he's making a fool of you and you're desperately allowing him to.
I feel like he was rare, in a good way, that maybe I'll never find a guy like him again.
What on earth do you see in someone who uses you as a sperm receptacle and an occasional dinner/movie pal? He treats you with no respect or consideration but you've latched onto him like a puppy.
You are in deep denial.
What is so darn attractive about a man who's clearly just using you? | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:56:24 PM | Ok, thanks. *sigh*
I guess I am really that stupid. I wish I could delete this thread. Thanks for being honest. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:00:27 PM | I think the relationship took care of itself. I don't think you are an idiot. I think you are what the world is looking for. If he gets ready he may come sniffing around. But why? I don't think, as a lover myself, that some one who doesn't get you off is worth a damn. Sorry to be harsh. You know very well how love is supposed to feel, and even pure sex. It's not what you described. But if he is sooo special (I don't understand these things, I'm a boy), then if he comes around you can assess whether he is all healed up if you want. No harm as long as he doesn't hit you , get you pregnant, of give you a disease. But a poor lover??? I just deleted my very harsh comment about him.
Don't stop looking. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:00:40 PM | I'm not trying to be rude or hurt your feelings, I'm just trying to be honest. Sometimes it's easier for someone who's an outsider to see what's going on. Often when you're actually in the situation, you've lost objectivity and your perceptions aren't very accurate because you're trying to make something happen, or believe things are the way you want them to be.
He sounds very cold and detached and aloof. He sounds like he's very messed up. It's rotten for him to use you like he's doing but he probably justifies it because he has told you that he's not wanting a relationship and he's messed up.
You can do so much better than this. There are great guys out there who won't use you to fill a void. They will care about your feelings, they will care about pleasing you in bed, they will genuinely want to know how your day went and they'll want to invite you into their home. This dude is just not one of them. He's messed up. You deserve much better, don't you agree? | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:03:28 PM | Thank you both.
wutznot2love, you're not being rude at all. I appreciate your comments. Thank you.
I guess I do deserve better. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:08:38 PM | Don't "guess" you deserve better, KNOW IT! :-)
Ask yourself - would YOU treat someone this way? I'm betting that you wouldn't dream of it. So then why is it acceptable for someone to do it to you?
I suggest you break off all communication with him from this point forward........no text, no email, no phone, no IM, no nothing. Take back your power. Yes it's going to hurt, you obviously are attracted to him and would like something with him but it's not going to happen.
You would be much better off investing your time and feelings and love in someone who's stable and worthy..............and in someone who will give back to you, all that you give to them.
I know it's hard - most all of us have been in this situation in some variation or another. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:18:09 PM | I guess I do deserve better.
Shug no body would want to talk you out of being treated like crap, by someone who clearly didn't/doesn't give a crap. After all you may never find a real gem such as him again, and that certainly would be a bad thing...
I am not sure why you have such low esteem, or expectations of being treated with love, respect, kindness. The fact of the matter is, this guy told you straight up he was a mess, and then has done nothing but please himself at your expense.
Since YOU ONLY GUESS you deserve better, you certainly won't get better, because you will end up accepting what ever line of crap that some sorry horses arse has to give you.
Did you do the right thing?
Hitting below the belt, no, that only stoops to his already low low level. IF he had an ounce of care or kindness, he wouldn't use you the way he has. However it would appear that you did make it rather easy for him, so I guess that one is on you.
Not calling him any more, YES that is the right thing. Expecting someone to treat you better, YES that is the right thing. Taking the time to point out to this messed up shlep that he was basically using you with out being totally up front about it, well I think you could have done better. Sounds like you are on a learning curve, so try and learn from this...
You are NOT an idiot, what you have is low esteem, why else would you allow someone to treat you that poorly.
You don't think you find someone else like him...OHHHHH HUN I sure as hell hope you don't, because this guy was a trainwreck, how many more trainwrecks do you want under your belt???
Do yourself a MAJOR favor, work at building your esteem, because you are the only one that can believe you are worth more then the way you allowed yourself to be treated by this guy.
Good luck hun... | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:21:58 PM | Bath of Glitter, I just finished reading your post and first of all I have teo say, "YOU DO DESERVE BETTER"! If he is just interested in getting himself off, that alone is enough to tell him to go climd a tree and branch off! Us "females" tend to put up with alot of bull$h!t from the "males"! WHY? I have do idea! I am guilty of doing the same thing just recently, a bit of a different situation but kinda the same as well, but no more! Now it's Cindy time! The way I see it is:
If HE doesn't get you off, and doesn't care that he don't, the hell with him
If HE goes online or leaves after intimacy, the hell with him
If HE isn't affectionate after intimacy(not hugging or cuddling) the hell with him
If He lies, the hell with him
If HE cheats, the hell with him
If HE isn't caring the hell with him
Pretty much the hell with him if he is getting on like an $$hole!
No offense to any guy out there, just some select guys that are a$$holes! AND I know that there are women that can be and are just as bad so no need to go there!
But Bath of Glitter, he really isn't worth it even thugh you mayhave had feelings for him, he is not worth you spitting on him for the way he has acted and treated you!
Move past, forget about "HIM" but don't forget about what happened in case another HIM comes alond! All the best to you
cindy is back | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:25:25 PM | | OP - Omg - he sounds like a selfish a$$. He leaves the room and goes on the computer after he gets off? It was difficult to read past that. OP- you deserve better than this. Please do not take him back even if he contacts you. Stand up for yourself right at the beginning of any type of relationship and set boundaries of how you will be treated. This man sounds like a user and your actions told him it was okay for him to use you. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:28:38 PM | | He doesn't want a relationship and told you that from the get go so the only thing you have to complain about is the sex sucking. You obviously want a relationship. He wants to enjoy your company occasionally and have sex and he does not care if you get off. Find another man. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:39:07 PM | At least give him credit...he's been more honest with you than you are with yourself.
You were good with that, he's enjoying whatever he wants to....when he wants to.
You knew it was a mistake before you posted this thread.
I'm not unsympathetic person, it's just that you knew what it was before you went there. As much as I'd like to I can't squeeze out a drop of sympathy for you. I can't.
I do feel bad that you're so self-unaware and apparently don't listen.
That is in your power to control and change. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:42:41 PM | | You had already made the mistake for allowing him to behave badly towards you... I think it's a cop out for him to whine about being messed up...he isn't messed up he knnows what he's doing and he's enjoying doing it... I think he gets off on hurting you and all he's thinking of is himself... he doesn't care how your day went, whether you "got off" or enjoyed the movie... I bet when you hit below the belt and hung up he had a good chuckle.. because he does what he does on purpose and he gets off on your reactions and the fact that you come back for more... I wouldn't doubt if he and his friends don't have a field day on his stories about his behavior... move on... he isn't what you painted him to be... he is a illusion of your making.. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:45:43 PM | | well you are wasting your time on someone who thinks of himself only. he doesnt care if you get off that is just selfish, how can you ask if you are being unreasonable, you are not. you need to move on. he was not ready and seems like he wont be for a long time. the day he had off he should have atleast invited you over. seems to me you are the rebound girl! | |
|
| The reason it was difficult for you to "get off " is no mystery, is it?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:47:11 PM | What kind of a connection could you possibly share with a person who is so blatantly disconnected? Perhaps your coping mechanism was to be emotionally disconnected as well.
"I still have feelings for him, unfortunately. I feel like he was rare, in a good way, that maybe I'll never find a guy like him again. Please help."
Here are three valuable words of enlightenment which you may want to write on every non porous surface in your home. ~ HURT PEOPLE HURT. Here are three more valuable words which you may want to write on your dialing finger with a bold point Sharpie just in case you have the urge to call that gem of a man .~ AVOID UNAVAILABLE PEOPLE. Here are three more valuable words that you may want to write on every mirror in your home ~DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF!
We are who we believe we are. We allow ourselves to experience success as well as create barriers which limit ourselves. Very often our self image is tarnished because we voluntarily give our power to others. If our worth is measured by other people's value of us, and not how we view ourselves, then we are setting ourselves up for failure. You are not an idiot, in fact you are a victor. You called it quits because your needs were not being met. You walked away from something that obviously did not work for you. That an act of self preservation proves that you have self respect. Stay on track ..... | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:27:45 PM |
he just went on a tirade about how he has made it very clear he's too messed up in the head to let someone in his life.
You did the right thing when you hung up. Screaming is not okay.
Let him go and find what he wants when he's ready for it, otherwise you'll just get hurt more. He's pushing you away, so take care of yourself and give him the space he's yelling at you he needs. Take care, not all guys are unavailable. Just think of this relationship as a good lesson learned and you'll know better next time right? :) | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:39:06 PM | He can't invite you in cause he's a playa...and his girl is in the house--come one--why else wouldn't he try to get you to come inside????change your number so he can't contact you again---next time--don't get involved til you know more about the other person..I know what I'm talking about-I think I've dated his brother--jk--not really just someone exactly like him...go out with friends concentrate on yourself--don't waste time on people who don't deserve you | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:48:09 PM |
Maybe I'm being unreasonable, let me know...
You are not being unreasonable, but I wish you did not need a bunch of strangers to tell you so...He flat out told you in beginning what he could offer. You accepted it and I have a funny feeling because you either thought he would realize how fabulous you are and change his mind, or you don't feel you deserve something mutual and fabulous. But, you do! Until you really believe that in your heart, you might just want to take a break from all this. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:06:17 PM |
he does not want a girlfriend in his life right now
I don't mean to betray my gender.... but, why would you want to be something he doesn't want.
Isn't that like giving a woman who never fishes a tackle box?
He was clear and you were only trying to change him, so I don't see what he did wrong. You are on the back burner and he didn't lie or try to hide it. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:22:08 PM | | You aren't on the back burner any more... it's over. You had your swan song, it's time to get over it and move on. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:39:23 PM | Ok. Time for a make perspective here, although I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone.
You're not the idiot. He is. Think about it - he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But - he's too cowardly to actually be alone. That boy really needs a good swift kick. Fortunately, I have a set of boots right here for just such I say just such an emergency. (sorry, having a Foghorn Leghorn moment)
Years from now, when he's cold, alone, hungry and lonely, he'll think back to you and realize what a jackass he is. By then you'll have fallen madly in love with someone deserving, will be happily-ever-aftering and not give him a second thought. Well, you might- but only after he squeegees your windshield for a nickel.
Shake your head a couple of times to get the whole thing out of your system, go out, be beautiful, and have fun. The right guy(s) will be camping out on your front porch in no time. (By the way, avoid dating guys who literally do that. That's not right)
:) | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:37:05 AM |
Ok. Time for a make perspective here, although I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone.
You're not the idiot. He is. Think about it - he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But - he's too cowardly to actually be alone. That boy really needs a good swift kick. Fortunately, I have a set of boots right here for just such I say just such an emergency. (sorry, having a Foghorn Leghorn moment)
Years from now, when he's cold, alone, hungry and lonely, he'll think back to you and realize what a jackass he is. By then you'll have fallen madly in love with someone deserving, will be happily-ever-aftering and not give him a second thought. Well, you might- but only after he squeegees your windshield for a nickel.
Shake your head a couple of times to get the whole thing out of your system, go out, be beautiful, and have fun. The right guy(s) will be camping out on your front porch in no time. (By the way, avoid dating guys who literally do that. That's not right)
:)
are you delusional? It's not like he bamboozled her into that arrangement, he was pretty open that he only wants a bit of companionship and sex while he gets over his breakup.
I'd say she's the one being foolish here. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:42:30 AM |
He can't invite you in cause he's a playa...and his girl is in the house--come one--why else wouldn't he try to get you to come inside????change your number so he can't contact you again---next time--don't get involved til you know more about the other person..I know what I'm talking about-I think I've dated his brother--jk--not really just someone exactly like him...go out with friends concentrate on yourself--don't waste time on people who don't deserve you
oh right, because "playas" bring their date to their front door late at night when their girlfriend is home inside waiting for them to get back. That's about the dumbest shit I've ever heard. If he is going through a tough break up, it's likely that either his place is a total pig stye and he doesn't want anyone to see it right then, or he was just tired of hanging out with her that night.
stop filling this poor woman's head with nonsense. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:47:44 AM | And yes, you are doing the right thing breaking it off with him. Lousy sex, very clear there is no real interest in you, prone to yelling, probably going to be an emotional cripple for months.
and time will not fix this and turn him into a good boyfriend for you. The thing about time is that while it does heal, it also sets precedents in relationships, even if it's not a "relationship" the precedent in your dynamic with this guy has been set, you are never going to be this guy's real girlfriend. There's no way he can respect you now. Sorry. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:56:38 AM | Sad to say, Glitter, but you never were his girlfriend. You were a convenient sex partner and someone to assuage his loneliness. Even if he was totally upfront with you in the beginning about still recovering from his last breakup, this doesn't absolve him of the bad sex! ( ) Seriously.
Look at it this way, you've had a chance to learn a lot about this guy in these two months. First, he's willing to USE another human being while he can offer nothing in return. Is that really someone you want in your life?
As others here have pointed out, too, you'd do well to really examine why you put up with this kind of uncaring, unkind behavior for ANY length of time. EVERYONE, yes even you, especially you, DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT!
Be glad you didn't a) get an STD, b) get pregnant, and c) didn't waste much time. No go find someone who is ready for relationship and can appreciate you. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
