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 simplelady66
Joined: 10/26/2007
Msg: 1
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationshipPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So my guy and I had our first arguement today. A real barn raiser. It worked out in the end, despite the mis-communication on both our parts.

Do you prefer to get the first arguement out of the way, sort of to get a feel for how the other person communicates?

I don't mean purposely starting one just to see how they argue, but sometimes it just happens.
 wowsad
Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 2
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:14:40 PM
i never really think about it like "oh my god this is our first argument" or anything... an argument's just an argument. if its over something stupid, then its a stupid argument, but there's probably something else going on as well.

i don't really prefer to argue, whether its the first argument, or the last... so no, i don't really prefer it. if it happens it happens. people argue. it's normal. as long as it's respectful, its just an argument. but if it's disrespectful, then its much more, regardless of it being the first, second, whatever.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 3
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:22:27 PM
simplelady66,

I don't really think about it unless it's been about 8+ months and everything seems a little too perfect per say. I had this happen once where a guy and I was dating about 8 months, never argued, and I came to find out he was holding certain things in that irritated him/he had problems with. It all came out when we had a disagreement about something 3 months later. I'm standing here like, "Why did you not say something to me about this 6 months ago, lol."
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 4
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Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:45:28 PM
I prefer the non argumentative communication that exists when neither is feeling wronged or misunderstood cause that's when you're communicating in a natural way. When you're arguing, communication is pretty impaired.

I can usually determine their style long ahead of time, but seeing the passion exploding is usually pretty interesting, and what follows is pretty yummy.

Nah, I don't prefer to get it out of the way. It just feels weird to me to be fighting with them.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 5
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:59:56 PM
If two people are not all that argumentative ..... not much if any argument goes on at all.

I really don’t think me and my ex wife (married 17 years) ever actually had an argument - or even anything that could be considered an argument.

If you really like someone - you find all kinds of ways ....... NOT to argue.

Most arguing is pretty silly anyway.

Neither of us were “button pushers”. There was just no good reason to crank on each other ..... none.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 6
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Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:12:55 PM

If two people are not all that argumentative ..... not much if any argument goes on at all.

I completely agree. I avoid conflict in my personal life and "getting the first argument" out of the way seems like a premonition of things to come. No thanks. Communication doesn't require arguing on any level if both parties are on the same page with they mannerism they prefer to discuss things. I suppose I would have to be with someone who simply refuses to argue. JMO
 piscescoda
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 7
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:13:09 PM
I just throw some 'bows and get it out of my system. It's all gravy from there.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 8
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Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:26:16 PM
I've always said you don't really know someone until you've had a fight with them. That's when you get to see your compatibility in motion... does your communication style mesh when you're all het up? I've always believed how people fight had a lot to do with whether they'd work out long term or not. Do they go for that emotional cheap shot? Attack to win at all costs? Get righteous? Do they withdraw? punish? Do they hold onto stuff? Carry a grudge?

But I'm rethinking that. See, I've always thought a relationship HAD to include fighting. My fellow and I are about a year now, and we haven't had a fight. Oh, we've had some bumps and misunderstandings and miscommunications along the way, and we've hurt each other accidentally a couple of times and I ticked him off once (well, ok, twice) when I messed up and in return he scared me when I thought he was punishing me for it. We've navigated all of that without having a fight about any of it, and the navigation has only served to make our relationship stronger. Go figure.

Actually, I think I have figured out how we manage to have differences of opinion and misunderstandings without having a fight; neither of us feel we are right, we both seem to automatically hold the other first and our instinct is to explore what's going on.
Hmm... this is something we've never discussed; I think I just might ask him if he sees it the same way.
 MtLoopHiker
Joined: 8/6/2005
Msg: 9
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:35:41 PM
Disagreements will come and go. The one that calls it an argument is probably the one who sees disagreements in a win/lose lens. Doesn't have to be that way.
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 10
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:39:17 PM
I personally hate arguing. I grew up with it at home and I've always hated it to this present day. You can make a point but don't be a prick about it.

I just listen to what people have to say and if I don't agree with it that's my choice take or leave it end of story, why waste time fighting.
 Phase-one
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 11
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:48:36 PM
Hmmm.. my guy & I have had a couple of arguements. They sort of started off kind of silly, but some stuff came out & we were both hurt. Sometimes my reflex when I am hurting is to make some stupid sarcastic/joking remark. So I did that & the outcome blew right up in my face. He was quite upset with me for a time & totally justified. I learned an important lesson through this man & I love him dearly for it. Change is good & he's worth it. I always had a policy to give myself a few seconds before I say anything when I am upset, but for some reason that went out the window when I got insecure over some stuff that was said. But no matter WHAT my emotions are, a few seconds to think before reacting is vital to preventing an arguement. Is it molehills being made into mountains & therefore really non-essential to argue about, or is it legit?? There is no reason things should be taken to the arguement level & if it has to happen that way, it's a red-flag for some deeper level issues. But I'm grateful to the lessons learned in this new relationship. After 18 years of marriage where arguements were commonplace, I prefer to discuss things & not let them get out of hand to a full blown barn-raiser as you said.

I guess now that you've argued & seen how your partner deals with ambivalence, you have to ask yourself, do you feel you've accomplished something? Is it really neccessary to 'get that out of the way'? I don't feel like the arguements we've had were really that neccessary looking back on them. Just silliness!! We love each other?? Then we accept each other's imperfections! It's that simple.

Dee
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 12
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Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:52:17 PM
Hi. Interesting replies....I see so much in all of them. It might help us to know what OP was actually arguing about...and how much was really anyones "fault". If it was a simple thing, and then 2x2 =800 that's not good. but maybe you two just got your wires crossed, maybe planning a special evening somewhere, he swears you said 6:00 and you swear you said 5:00 and you missed the event...and bla bla bla.

So really, what happened? Like most said "the first argument" isn't really a milestone of itself...but the topic of the argument might be.

I don't like to argue argue (I used to, and now I have an ex wife who can do it fine all by herself, while I nod my head to "please continue, and then I will reply when the yelling stops"). So yelling and screaming and name calling is not my thing.

But I also don't like the "I don't like to be confrontational" personality either. If something is going on, or someone needs or wants to say something, my God, "say it in a nice way and listen in a nice way". My ex gf's ex BF was building her a wood fence some months back, and I suggested to her "I'll bet he would really appreciate it if you 'listened' to him, even if its not something that's your first idea...". She answered me "thats really none of your concern, its between him and I". Well, I was taken aback, and said "Ok, well...I got stuff to do, talk to you later" and I waited 3 days for her to explain what she meant or "apologize", and when none was forthcoming I said "Hey there is something I'd like to talk to you about if you don't mind....blablabla". There was no argument, no confrontation, no screaming...she said 'I read too much into things" and I said, "no one close to me in my whole life has ever said "Its no concern of yours". She asked me if I "was going to dwell on that" I said " no " (I lied obviously) because I was in love, etc.

((((Oh, we've had some bumps and misunderstandings and miscommunications along the way, and we've hurt each other accidentally a couple of times and I ticked him off once (well, ok, twice) when I messed up and in return he scared me when I thought he was punishing me for it. We've navigated all of that without having a fight about any of it)))

What margo said is how we were, I think, although I'm not really sure the exGF "got it" seriously, I think there are people who may be sweet and sexy and nice, but don't dig deep down when there is an issue. They (she) bottles it all up, would tell me "There is no problem, just you think too much" ...and then BAM! Dumped me without ever mentioning she did'nt like something. Que Sera Sera
 63Blues
Joined: 10/16/2007
Msg: 13
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:57:37 PM
That first fight or argument or disagreement is a very telling thing. I know it sucks to have an argument or whatever, but it is, as you all know, inevitable in ANY relationship. How it's handled speaks volumes about the other person, in my opinion. If you can get through your first "fight", or whatever the hell you want to call it, gracefully, then you're well on your way to a great relationship.
 thorvin
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 14
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:10:40 PM
i like to do it when shes sleeping, for practice ya know.
 miss 13
Joined: 6/11/2008
Msg: 15
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:23:55 PM
It is very important imo to see how a person acts/reacts when they are not getting their way or when things aren't going smoothly.
 blueangel1023
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 16
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Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:27:19 PM
Personally I'm not a big fan of getting into arguments. I rather avoid it if possible...haha, but sometimes the truth finally comes out once the bickering starts. Resolving an argument is one thing, but accumulating them into several arguments is another. For me that just spells out immaturity. It's always good to speak out about each others pros and cons and resolve it amicably. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. However, I don't think it should progress into a heavy argument. First arguments are natural, and bickering once in awhile like you guys are a married couple is ok too. Just don't let it get out of control :)
 miss 13
Joined: 6/11/2008
Msg: 17
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:27:40 PM

That first fight or argument or disagreement is a very telling thing. I know it sucks to have an argument or whatever, but it is, as you all know, inevitable in ANY relationship. How it's handled speaks volumes about the other person, in my opinion. If you can get through your first "fight", or whatever the hell you want to call it, gracefully, then you're well on your way to a great relationship.




Right on. Every couple will argue at least a tiny bit. How you argue is very telling.
 Blueeyedbaldman
Joined: 1/4/2008
Msg: 18
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:09:30 AM

Do you prefer to get the first arguement out of the way, sort of to get a feel for how the other person communicates?

I would think from a womans point of view that its not a bad idea. Especially to see if a guy shows signs of a temper or abusive ways about him. From my point of view, although I dont like getting into arguements, it wouldn't be a bad idea just to see if she is willing to communicate and be rational, and to see where her maturity level is.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 19
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:22:59 AM
This is a good question and I appreciate your honesty. I think one of the big keys to a relationship is how to handle conflict. If you can fight fair, not hit below the belt, and listen, a relationship can go well. Fighting happens; conflict happens; The key is to know what buttons not to push; my parents always said, "fight fair".

This is a good question; I'm sure things will work out.
 gcdeb
Joined: 1/11/2008
Msg: 20
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:38:36 AM
My last relationship lasted 6 years and we never had an argument. Not sure I'd know how to now :-)

These days I don't think I'd like to be with someone that I argued with on any sort of regular basis.
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 21
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Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:20:43 AM
By nature, I'm an argumentative person (as i'm sure a number of forum-goers have noticed already). So, while I don't particularly go out of my way to start a fight, I actually get bored if there's no debate or tension after a certain amount of time. I guess one can see that as "creating drama" but I like to think of it as keeping things interesting.

For the record, I've found that dating somebody intellectual that you can debate with tends to alleviate the tendency to argue about other matters that pertain more to the relationship. It's like "Ok, we've gotten our fighting in for the week, but now we have a real problem. Let's just deal with this civilly and move on."
 brown_eyed_woman
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 22
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:46:17 AM
Disagreements are normal, unless you're dating a droid with no feelings, thoughts or opinions...and that would be boring!

Its all how you both handle the disagreement.

Sounds like you both did well.

The three-four month mark is usually when a couple starts to see little differences of opinion, and most new couples dont make it past that stage. Seems to be 'make or break'.

My last relationship, he would not communicate his thoughts or feelings...if something doesnt go his way, he scurries home and writes a dear john letter right away! I would take it as a good sign that your man stayed, held some ground and communicated with you!
 Paumanok
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 23
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:18:37 AM
It doesn't matter as long as nobody gets hurt and you make up with no hard feelings left over. The problem is, women can't let go of hurt. It builds up in their system...unless you have make-up sex they bank an emotional deficit. So as long as you follow up an argument with sex or even include sex in it, you'll be OK, otherwise your relationship is doomed.
 simplelady66
Joined: 10/26/2007
Msg: 24
Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:23:32 AM
Great insight everyone!

Basically, total miscommunication because instead of dealing with each other the way we wanted to, we both resorted to dealing with each other the way we would have with the ex's.

We have since talked on the phone (the fight was through text messaging..stupid), and are going to sit down and have a heart to heart this week sometime about what we both expect, want, need out of the relationship.

We are both snickering about it now....the arguement...because we both said one of the things we like about each other is the fact that neither of us is like our ex's. Yet we dealt with each other like we were.

I guess the important thing is that we both recognize it. And are willing to change how we argue/disagree on things.

Again, thanks for all the great insight.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 25
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Healthy? Arguement first few months of relationship
Posted: 6/24/2008 4:47:43 AM

Basically, total miscommunication because instead of dealing with each other the way we wanted to, we both resorted to dealing with each other the way we would have with the ex's.

That's exactly what I did when I was afraid my fellow was punishing me; I had an ex who would punish with icy withdrawal for any real or imagined slight. My sweetie has never exhibited that type of behaviour, but I instantly, unthinkingly, anticipated it. sheesh, and I know better. *shakes head*

Wonder how often we're actually reacting to people from our past instead of the person standing in front of us?
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