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 denvergal
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 1
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Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF? Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'm wondering if any of you fellow POF'ers have had the issue of finding your new love-interest logging onto POF daily. I have found an awesome boyfriend here... we've been hanging out and dating now for only about 3 months but it's been a daily affair, so we are pretty tight.

Anyway, after about a month of dating, I logged on here for the first time to retrieve an email and saw him online .... probably checking an email as well. But then when I conveyed that I saw him online he denied it, said he has not been on since we met.... so I became suspicious and started checking on him daily in my favorites to see when he was on. I found he was on every day! I confronted him and he fessed up and said he was checking on me to see when I was on too! So I suggested that we both hide our profiles for a while, and give the site a rest as we strengthen our monogamous relationship. He said I was being insecure and jealous and was furious that I would put that kind of a restriction on him... and then changed the subject.

Nothing further has been said but we both continue to logon daily in silence... me, to check on him .... him, who knows. (also, I've been reading these informative posts recently-could that be what he's doing too?)
Ssshhheeeeezzzz.... so now we are playing this stupid game with each other, which is causing mistrust in the relationship.
Any thoughts? Am I being too jealous and insecure?

P.S. Hey babe, if you're reading this... don't be mad, just needing some feedback.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 2
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Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:34:11 PM

P.S. Hey babe, if you're reading this... don't be mad, just needing some feedback.


That would be assuming he's even bothering to look at what you're doing here. As you said, he's been logging on every day long before you started logging in every day to see if he was here. Well, whatever he was checking out before you caught him a month or two ago is probably what he's still checking out today, and it's safe to assume it ain't your posts.

I think it's an inherent problem with online dating - that constant quest for the "Bigger, Better Deal." Some people are just so afraid of what they might be missing around the corner while they're otherwise engaged in a relationship.

What a splendid display of gaslighting, telling you he hadn't logged on that day when you'd clearly seen him. That alone is a huge, big, fat red flag flapping in the breeze. Never ignore a red flag.
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 3
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Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:47:27 PM
"Hello Pot? This is the kettle, guess what, we're both black"

Sheesh. So you caught your boyfriend doing the exact same thing you were doing. Huh. Please enlighten me as to how it's different? No, really, cause I'm soooo not following..

He shouldn't have denied it, true that. But, I'm guessing you kinda pushed him into a corner, perhaps were accusatory when you questioned him, and so he reacted negatively. This is merely supposition on my part of course.

Online dating is so much fun, isn't it? If it bothers you so much, give him an ultimatum, ask him to delete his profile, and do the same. Of course, if he was really up to no good he could just create a new profile, under a different user name...ah, one could go crazy imagining the what ifs...
 geminihld
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 4
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:57:07 PM
I had the same experience. I loaned my lap top to a friend, who, long story short, accidently opened my "wonderful new boyfriend's" e-mail. Same deal, saw each other daily, tons of communication between us all day, and I really fell for this guy....

BUT, my friend warned me that he was telling other women in other states he LOVED them!!! No mention of having a girlfriend he was in love with (as he told me he was with me). The WORST thing was that I loaned him some money on a Friday, noticed he still had it on Sunday, and had asked some woman out for dinner and drinks on a website the next day!!!

When I took this to him, he denied it every which way he could. I quoted certain things to him that he and his special ladies wrote to each other, and he still denied it. Then told me that they had problems he was trying to help them with.

I would say my experience is probably, and certainly hopefully, not common, but please do watch yourself. I thought I had it all, I thought I found the man who turned my world on it's axis. What I found out was I had an empty shell I believed was a relationship. Hope you have better luck!
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 5
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 2:00:26 PM
I went through the same thing in a relationship I was in. We even went as far as deleting our profiles together at the same time.. What a waste of time. The reason being exactly what you are going through. Use your brain for real. I'm not being mean, just maybe saving you some heartache down the rd. Your here to meet someone.. If you meet THAT someone, you shouldn't still be on here IMO. I didn't create a new profile for myself but I still went to the website just to see if I could see his pic pop up in the area searches he lived in. A couple of the no pics sounded like him. I watched them and after we broke up, sure enough one of them was him. You want to find out the truth?? DO YOU REALLY?? Make up another with someone elses pic and message him from it.. You'll find all you need to know at that point. There is more than one way to skin a lying cat hahaha. Yes it is wrong to do that.. but hey you got to look out for yourself first of all. If he's telling the truth, then you can lay your fears to rest.
 SavonaWoman
Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 6
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 2:01:01 PM

I think it's an inherent problem with online dating - that constant quest for the "Bigger, Better Deal." Some people are just so afraid of what they might be missing around the corner while they're otherwise engaged in a relationship.


Yes, some people are just so very afraid of what they might be missing that they have probably already missed out on a good thing or two.

A man on here recently told me he met a great woman, but didn't know if he would date her again because he still has other women to yet meet. Go figgggure !!!!!

Like e-bay, just keep looking for the highest bid ...

Savona
 SAguy_06
Joined: 12/29/2005
Msg: 7
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 4:55:06 PM
I may be wrong...
but hes a cheat, and youre a stalker...

be happy together.
 TheDirtyBen
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 8
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 4:58:26 PM
I once went so far as to get rid of AOL, then disconnecting my internet service, to avoid such an issue. What some guys do, makes the rest of us look bad, and maybe even "guilty before proven innocent"!
The online dating thing CAN be tough, I'll admit. It just depends on what lengths each individual is willing to go to, to prove faithfulness and strengthen trust.

Personally, I wouldn't mind removing myself from POF and not coming back. I'd miss the forums, but I lived without them before!
The other option, is kinda along the lines of a random drug screen for you job. Allow your s/o to look at what you are doing, on your account, from your computer, when he/she decides to look.

There are ways to prove your trust, just like there are ways to catch a scoundrel! What are you willing to do?
 tiffyg72
Joined: 8/9/2008
Msg: 9
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:02:58 PM

Any thoughts? Am I being too jealous and insecure?


He's not interested in your in the least bit. Maybe for a convenience or 2nd best but stop being so naive and wake up! If anybody is seriously interested in one person, there would be NO getting online daily. I don't care if that is the way of the world or the way of internet dating.. there's no more respect. He got bent out of shape because you are onto him. There's no jealousy or insecure... it's just a way of him getting defensive because you have caught him!

Move along. You are better off. You'll just get your heart broken eventually......

 ~Smiling Eyes~
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 10
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:10:59 PM
I don't see anything wrong with logging onto POF if you are in a relationship as long as your profile has been changed to let others know you are in a relationship.

However, when I checked out your profile it shows that you are looking to date with no mention of having met someone and being in a monogamous relationship. That is the ONLY problem I see in regards to this situation.
 JRnSC
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 11
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:13:29 PM
big question? do any of you posters have jobs?

vote republican!!!!!!!!!!!
 lostincali
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 12
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:15:55 PM
However, when I checked out your profile it shows that you are looking to date with no mention of having met someone and being in a monogamous relationship. That is the ONLY problem I see in regards to this situation.


Not to mention she is separated.
OP:What's good for the goose is good for the gander,delete your profile and ask him if he will delete his.
 TheDirtyBen
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 13
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:20:23 PM

big question? do any of you posters have jobs?


Yes!! Only, my job allows for me to be online even when I'm working!

Afterall, I AM the boss!!!
 dancecard
Joined: 3/19/2006
Msg: 14
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Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:21:59 PM
I'm not that insecure ~ if they are looking ~ it matters little where to me.

You want to get hit with ton of rocks or feathers ~ ?

Dance
 BOT TAK
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 15
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:26:15 PM

I'm wondering if any of you fellow POF'ers have had the issue of finding your new love-interest logging onto POF daily
I did but not here. For me it was total turn off. I would never consider him again for anything long-term because it shows that I'd be his second best and who want this???

do any of you posters have jobs?

vote republican!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you have any job to offer??? I'd vote whatever you want to then
 dancecard
Joined: 3/19/2006
Msg: 16
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Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:40:36 PM
do any of you posters have jobs?

vote republican!!!!!!!!!!!


I love oxymorons ~

reminded me of some bathroom lit ~ found scribbled on the wall of a Cat House, off Cannal Street in Sigon back in 69"

"Fighting for peace is like fornicating for virginity "

author unknown

Dance
 Lipglossaddicted
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 17
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:47:36 PM
Why lie about it? That's where the problem is. If you're both still coming here, that's something to sit down and discuss rationally - make a decision about if you're exclusive or not. Etc, etc. But the lying?? Bad.

 Elysium8
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 18
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:09:04 PM
Dump him! I think there a lot of men (and probably women) doing that and it boggles my mind. As I said in another thread, I think they become addicted to it, and yes, they are still shopping. It's wrong for so many reasons and is one of the reasons I hate meeting people this way. If and when I become intimate with someone I meet online again, that has to be agreed upon before hand--that the next day, profiles will be hidden! No room for negotiation there in my opinion. I would be so glad to have a reason to get off, that I can't imagine continuing if you felt you really might have a future with someone. Too many commitment phobes online with dysfunctional behavior.

That is a sign of serious disrespect for the person you are in a relationship with, as well as any others who may be viewing your profile, thinking you are available. And of course, it's a sign of disrespect to one's self --acting without integrity. The way people treat others is simply an extension of the way they treat themselves. So, unless you don't think much of yourself, get away from that toxic individual.

I remember talking to someone who had worked at Match.com, telling me that while they monitored emails, they discovered that more than half the people were lying to each other. It's appalling ,the dishonorable way in which some people lead their lives and interact with others.
 Nordic33708
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 19
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:21:59 PM

He said I was being insecure and jealous and was furious that I would put that kind of a restriction on him

Whatever reason a person has to keep logging into a site like this will be cause for concern. why not just delete both profiles? I understand you were willing to but he wasn't. He has a reason for wanting to log on to this place and since he even denies it, it tells me that he is not as exclusive as you are. He is still keeping his options open. If he finds someone better than you, you will be replaced.
You have to ask yourself if you are comfortable with knowing that he will stay with you but if he finds a greener grass, he will jump over the fence.
Personally I would not keep seeing someone who was not content with me to the degree that he willingly stopped frequenting dating sites.

Lots of people will say you are too jealous, the minority will say you are not. I'm the minority. I think that if you are in a relationship you cease looking for others. But I guess I'm too old fashioned.....

P.S. Hey babe, if you're reading this... don't be mad, just needing some feedback.
You really have to excuse yourself?

Deleting profiles should be voluntary.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 20
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Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:40:57 PM
~OP~ You are here, he is here. The only thing you know for a fact is that you are checking up on him, after checking your own email. Sounds like you are both playing a game of "Is the grass greener?????"
 dancecard
Joined: 3/19/2006
Msg: 21
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Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 7:44:34 PM
we do play games ~ whats sad ~ is when there is this great inbalance ~ of interest.

I've dated people here ~ and we both stayed engaged with the site ~ it was something we both enjoyed. ~ and today ~ we are still very close ~ It's true ~ I'm older ~ way too old to die young and she's 45 ~ making us both mature people ~ not so much due to age ~ but experiences and acceptance of each other. We've both found friends here ~ male and female.

There is a lot of life going on here ~ much to interest and amuse ~ It not all about pairing up and getting horizonal. ~ that s just a small part of life ~ a given ~ it happens more often ~ the less you push.

Dance
 RANGER FAN
Joined: 9/21/2005
Msg: 22
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/23/2008 8:13:50 PM
What a great thread. I think this happens often. I think a previous poster had the best way to handle it for most people. Just talk about it like adults and agree to hide/delete your profiles as long as you are a committed to each other as a couple. If you are not a committed couple and free to date others than you can leave them up. :)
 str8ahd
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 23
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:38:46 AM

Ssshhheeeeezzzz.... so now we are playing this stupid game with each other, which is causing mistrust in the relationship.


Other way around, the mistrust in the relationship is causing the stupid game.

My bf & I still have profiles here, both are hidden. I'm here a lot more than he is and neither of us checks up on the other. Neither of us has ever given the other any reason to feel that checking up is necessary.

IMO, it is not the internet that causes this behaviour. I don't believe that people are different online. No matter where they are or where they meet people, liars lie, cheaters cheat, and suspicious people suspect.
 openlove
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 24
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:54:36 AM
"IMO, it is not the internet that causes this behaviour. I don't believe that people are different online. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I SO disagree with that statement. (even though, it is YOUR opinion)
I just recently met someone who was GREAT online and on the phone but at the actual first meet...a total nightmare, ignorant, selfish and cheap.
~shivers~
Now- THAT took the cake.
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 25
Is your new BF/GF still logging onto POF?
Posted: 8/24/2008 1:01:54 PM
Haha, this is funny.
You are a married (= separated) woman, you're in a "monogamous relationship" with someone other than your hubby, and you have a profile on a dating site that says you are still looking for dates. Doesn't sound like you share my definition of what a "monogamous relationship" entails.

That said: I am not against entering a new relationship while separated if you have filed for divorce and are no longer emotionally hung up on your hubby.

But I would expect anybody claiming to be in a "monogamous relationship" to set their dating site profiles to "Not Single/ Not Looking" the day they enter said relationship.
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