Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Obsessive male friend.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 beelieve
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 1
Obsessive male friend.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
(You want to delete this because it is polarized? Sorry. Women's opinions are welcome too )

You've found yourself a wonderful woman. You love her in every way. The connection is amazing. One problem. She has a male friend - a man 30 years older than her who is obsessive and controling. He finally after four years of only friendship tells your woman that he loves her. He starts making your lady feel terrible and guilty for selecting you instead of him. Your lady is a very understanding woman who does not want to hurt this man because the friendship was apparently very good until you came along.

How would you handle yourself? What would you do (if anything) to help?
 actualizing
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 2
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:07:35 PM
What a good question OP. You need to stay "OUT" of the dynamic. Support her when she is upset about it and ask her what you can do to help. This is a test. You have to know that. Life is giving you a test and to pass you must feel good about how you act right now. Act in a gentlemanly, honourable way and feel for the guy too. It must be tough for him to be acting like such a juvenile. Have empathy for him and support her. Nothing can go wrong when you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Peace brother.
 psssst
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 3
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:07:44 PM
Has she spoken to the older friend about how he's making her feel? If not, then I would suggest you ask her to confront him as this is wedging the relationship you and she is having...
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 4
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:08:48 PM
"What would you do(if anything) to help"

It's your G/F decision to make on how to handle it. Hopefully she can find a way to keep her friend and you in her life. Your role is to be supportive of her, Not to be trying to end her friendship.


STAY OUT OF IT, if you force her to choose between you two, she will end up resenting you in the end for it. Assuming of course she chooses you.
 sissysasspot
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 5
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:13:57 PM
Be supportive and let her handle it unless she ask you to help. I know this is hard to do but she really has to be the one to handle this, she has to be the one to tell him he has crossed a boundary and to decided what the consequences should be. If it is to end the friendship he is not going to take it from you it has to come from her....then she may ask you to enforce it lol.
 guntrader
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 6
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:17:26 PM
give her ample time to get it resolved and then if she still has a prolem with him then move on cause there is more 6then she is telling u about her connection with this man
 gatorsz
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 7
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:23:22 PM
Agrees with everything Wildman says. Do NOT meddle in this situation. Or you'll be saying later "I wish I didn't meddle in the situation, as that's how I lost her."

Guaranteed.
 ~Kyn~
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 8
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:27:48 PM
Yup...stay outta it.
If she needs your help she'll ask.

Just thought it might be interesting to say though...
Im often amazed in threads how someone will declare their love for another who's in an actual relationship already....

Most of the advice is usually...TELL HER!!

And here we have the product of that.

Not quite synonymous with an episode of Friends and Ross declaring his love for Rachel or sumthin...is it?
 ~Angel-Eyes~
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 9
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:54:01 PM
Well if she cared about her relationship with you, and your feelings. She'd tell this guy where to go. I think she must LIKE his attention, it has nothing to do with hurting his feelings. Friends of oppisite sex are okay and all, until they start telling you they love you, that's when they need to back off or take a hike.
 beelieve
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 10
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:56:49 PM
The emotions I feel are quite interesting. There is a real paradox inside of me. My instincts tell me to do everything I can to drive this man away from her. My brain tells me to stay out of it. I needed an objective opinion to help me to decide whether or not my brain was making the better choice.

Thanks, everybody, for your comments.
 beelieve
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 11
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:04:21 PM

Friends of oppisite sex are okay and all, until they start telling you they love you, that's when they need to back off or take a hike.


Yes, you're right. It becomes even more difficult when he is actively discrediting me, declaring that I am not sincere, while at the same time claims love for my girlfriend.

Yes, this is a test. I can really destroy this relationship if I don't play this correctly.
 Thunderstorms62
Joined: 12/11/2004
Msg: 12
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:06:00 PM
Your lady is a very understanding woman who does not want to hurt this man because the friendship was apparently very good until you came along.


Do what Custer couldn't do at The Little Big Horn>>>>>>>>Hold the High Ground.
When I read this thread I keyed on the fact that your lady is a very understanding
woman. If so, she probably recognizes these actions for what they are. You do NOT
need to ask her to make any choices because ultimately...........this older dude will
force her hand (attitude toward him) in the long run. She will choose wisely!
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 13
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:11:23 PM

The emotions I feel are quite interesting. There is a real paradox inside of me. My instincts tell me to do everything I can to drive this man away from her.
Ohhh shades of da ta da Controlling Man able to chase off senior citizens with a single swipe.


My brain tells me to stay out of it. I needed an objective opinion to help me to decide whether or not my brain was making the better choice.

Okay take off your tights.....this man must be old enough to be her Father no? Stay out of it...unless you catch her bopping 'em.
 TroubleAhoy!
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 14
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:12:21 PM
Real friends (male or female) don't pull the carpet from under you like this!

Your lady is a very understanding woman who does not want to hurt this man

Understanding my a$s! There's a time to do away with those who try to control and manipulate other people's lives.
 ~Hello~
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 15
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:16:28 PM
hmmm .. Point is she Did 'pick' you, so why is she putting his feelings above yours Or her own for that matter?
 beelieve
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 16
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:17:00 PM
Ohhh shades of da ta da Controlling Man able to chase off senior citizens with a single swipe.


At my girlfriends request, I met this man. I had a good conversation with him. For a while I thought my conversation with him had resolved the issue. I thought everybody was happy, but no, two months later the issues continue.

Senior citizen? Ha, ha! He's a VERY healthy 57 year old man who looks and dresses like he is 30. I would be hard pressed to chase him off physically.


Okay take off your tights.....


Is this a Robin Hood reference? :) :)
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:23:35 PM
I'd say tell your lady friend that you don't care what the guy thinks or feels, you do not want to hear his opinion, do not wish to socialize with him and choose to ignore him completely.
If she cannot stand up for herself or would rather preserve his friendship over her chosen love relationship with you then you really haven't lost anything by walking away. The problem is with her not him.
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 18
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:31:38 PM

Senior citizen? Ha, ha! He's a VERY healthy 57 year old man who looks and dresses like he is 30. I would be hard pressed to chase him off physically.

Well damn send him my way then!!!

You don't say how long you have been with this perfect woman? The thing is SHE has to straighten this out. Real friends should never be discarded.
And on a up note...if a woman loves a man there is nothing much that anyone can say to sway her love.
 beelieve
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 19
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:53:30 PM
The problem is with her not him


She has already admitted this to me without any coaxing from me.

For years in my own life, I struggled with my own self-esteem issues where I lacked the ability to stand up to people who were not treating me appropriately. I eventually learned. Nonetheless, I still resent those women in my life who exploited this weakness in me. Sometimes, what a person needs most is patience and understanding, and with that little bit of care and understanding they can be a very healthy partner.

Maybe I am wrong.

Indigo: the relationship is 5 months old. The 'friend' issues began on June 15th when she finally admitted to him what was going on with me.

 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 20
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 5:50:04 PM
" For years in my own life, I struggled with my own self-esteem issues"

I suspect that you may still be fighting with those issues Op. I get the impression that you might be abit jealous of this male friend of your G/f. The relationship with this woman is still new, While her friendship with this man has been going on for years. I doubt very much that you're the first guy she has dated in those years of her friendship with this man...... Something in this story is not adding up.

Why would she need to "finally" admit to him what's going on?.Why would she need to hide you from him to begin with? If they were only just friend you would think he would know right away about her starting to date someone?.

Either you're only telling us half the story and leaving things out, or your G/F is peeing on your back and telling you it's raining.
 beelieve
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 21
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 6:03:21 PM
Actually, she was engaged to another man for the four years that she was friends with this current man. This ex-fiance was a man she met through a church that she was involved with. She chose to break off the "arranged" engagment because she wanted to end her involvement with this church. The problems with the friend actually began when she ended her engagement. In other words, he attempted to catch her just as this other relationship ended. I arrived on the scene almost exactly at the same time.

I certainly understand your attitude Wildman. There is a lot here that is strange. Nonetheless, people do grow. This is particularily true in the 20s decade. So far, I am choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt.


Not to be trying to end her friendship.


Be careful with you assumptions. I made no such reference in my initial post. Please, stop looking for a conspiracy. My intentions are sincere. I am very honestly looking for the right approach to this problem.
 fun azn
Joined: 10/7/2005
Msg: 22
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 6:13:23 PM
i didn't read anyone else's response but i was in a similar situation except he has or didn't tell her how how he feels if anything. He would buy here trips on vacation, sell her his older car for cheap, send her and her kids loads of presents during Christmas. Anyways, there is not much you can do about it if she values that relationship and doing something about it will only ut a strain in your relationship. Tell her how you feel and hopefully, she will be sentsitive about it to since she is aware of how uncomfortable you are.

In the meantime, you can only work and focus on what you and her have.
 Winter_Bouquet
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 23
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 6:24:21 PM
you gotta love the classic love triangle... these things persist because in a strange way, they allow people to have their cake and eat it too... but they are always unstable. I wouldn't stick around for long... I'd set a time frame and an ultimatum, just for my own sanity. Make it the gal's choice, don't be a bully, but respect your own dignity as well. You aren't required to be a saint!
 Sivoph
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 24
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 6:42:39 PM
What's all this about "hurting feelings" and stuff? Sounds like we're on a playground. Too bad, so sad for the guy...he should of acted quicker. Move in like a bald eagle. No one gets to the top by considering peoples' feelings.
 kasha111
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 25
Obsessive male friend.
Posted: 9/28/2008 6:44:54 PM
If she cares about you she will make the decision to nurture and grow the relationship the two of you share. Her behavior and actions with her friend is not your call ....... stay out of it. Support her but let your GF make her own decisions on how she deals with her old friend. You cannot win if you start putting down guidelines. All of us can only control our actions and leave others to do likewise.
Good luck
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Obsessive male friend.