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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?      Home login  
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 Swamp*Angel
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 1
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
I very recently became a widow, but was sole caretaker during my husband's extended illness.
Under these circumstances, many surviving spouses begin the grieving process long before death occurs. This does not mean that they are ready to immediately leap from being a wife into the dating scene.....for me, it meant that I did give some thought as to whether or not I would ever want to have a long-term relationship or re-marry again.

To be brutally honest, my greatest fear is that I would learn to care for someone again only to have them get sick. I do not want to spend the rest of my life caretaking (15 years is enough!), but would do it again if I loved someone. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Just wondering.
 beam11
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 2
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Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/5/2006 11:27:33 PM
Glfn,

Thanks for starting this thread. I think I might have hijacked the other one quite unintentionally.

While certainly, I have many fears about dating again, with regard to your later sentiments, I do think about that as well. It's not the care giving, in particular, because I too would do that for someone I loved in a heartbeat. However, age IS a factor to me now, whereas 10 years ago, I thought about age rather nonchalantly. I hope that my children (now fatherless) will not someday hold that against me. My husband was quite a bit older than I am, and I loved him unconditionally. Love has no boundaries, as they say. Yet I do not want to ever put a spouse into the grave again. And more important, I do not want to have to tell my children that their father (figure) is dead -- by far, that is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do in this lifetime -- I cannot imagine hearing such a thing at the age of seven and ten. Though true, any of us could die at any second. It happens. But the odds are that the older you are the more likely it will happen. If and when I do date again, I'm sorry to say that age would and will most certainly play a factor in my decisions (as much as I hate to admit this).
 gailelvis
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 3
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/6/2006 8:11:08 AM
I too have felt that way--but I gave all of my heart and soul to my husband and I can't even imagine trying to give my all again--It wasn't physically hard to take care of my husband but mentally it was crushing me to watch him take all these pain pills and to no avail. I guess if God wants someone in our life he will put them there??
Gail
 womanofsubstance
Joined: 5/10/2005
Msg: 4
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/6/2006 8:47:44 AM
What if everyone who had pain after love got scared to give it another go? How do you think the women whos husbands CHoose to leave them feel? Try to imagine all your pain with crushed self esteem. Go with what you feel for the person rather than age or else you could be missing out on a fullfilling contented life.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 5
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Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/6/2006 10:17:56 AM
It is so normal to feel that we never want to experience the illness and death of our spouses again. That will go away in time. I lost my spouse when he was only 38. You can never tell at what age someone will die. Most widows/widowers go through many changes in their thinking prior to being ready to move on with their lives. Relax, take your time and enjoy the rest of your life. You will come to a point where you are at peace.
 jerryb1961
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 6
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/10/2006 9:58:29 AM
Hi Glfn-Fshn Lady--


You cared for your husband for fifteen years because you *loved* him. I cared for my wife 24/7/365 for seven years until she died for the same reason.

If the right woman came along and later got sick, I'd do it again in a NY minute.
 Little Lady 57
Joined: 3/4/2006
Msg: 7
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:21:14 PM
Glfn, I too am a recent widow. I read somewhere that the more satisfying the marital relationship was, the more open the surviving spouse is to starting another relationship. Please do not mistake this in any way to reflect on how much one did or did not love their spouse. Rather, how happy one was with the whole matrimonial scene. Not only did I love my husband, I loved being married and all the good and bad things that came with it. Once one has come through the grieving process to the point that they can once again find pleasure in life, the thought of "do I want to do this again" can be considered. I, for one, want to again find this totally fulfilling aspect to my life. Sure, I am afraid of having a spouse preceed me to the grave again but I am willing to take this chance in order to experience it once again. I think sometimes, even though one can honestly say they loved their spouse, they did not entirely love being married and are ready to enjoy the rest of their life being single again. That's OK. Listen to your inner voice and let it guide you and never feel like you have to explain your choices.
 Swamp*Angel
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 8
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/10/2006 9:32:49 PM
Little Lady,

Thanks. Yes, I loved being married, especially knowing that I was loved regardless of all the wrinkles, the "natural highlights", the signs of growing older. I guess I am somewhat leery of finding such acceptance again, but I'm an eternal optimist.
 Lipstick1961
Joined: 3/8/2006
Msg: 9
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/13/2006 1:57:13 PM
I lost my husband when I was 39 and I thought I never wanted to become that close to someone again. I waited 2 years after he died to start dating again, was actually set up on blind dates by his sister. That feeling does definately go away. Just go out and have fun and don't think about the bad stuff, it'll only make you sick! Also it would be nice to have someone around to look after you too.
 womanofsubstance
Joined: 5/10/2005
Msg: 10
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/30/2006 10:46:27 AM
I just have to say ive never seen so many beautiful widows before and so young. Live it up, my aunty outlived 4 husbands and 1 boyfriend. She lived and loved and fell down and lost and she got up again and loved and lived a great fullfilling life and no one will forget marion she was unique in every beautiful way.
 JustBill
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 11
Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 4/30/2006 4:41:43 PM
I am sorry to say that I feel somewhat conflicted on the issue. I know my mother had a great guy after my Dad died...we even worked together....I became quite fond of him. Still, it was strange to see his clothes in Dads closet. I know I am glad that Mom had him in her life. I am old enough now, to date widows, and it would seem hard to fit into that space held by a mate that close. I would want a relationship that was going to stand durring hard times. I don't inter-net date much...I have met a few ladys, but I desire "sparks", and that just hasn't happened....one was a widow. I felt somehow different towards her. I can't explain the feeling...like "How could I take the place of a man she loved enough to say untill the end?" I have never posted anything on a site, anywhere, but this subject causes interest, and a strange fear at some level. I know some of you girls can help me understand, from your side of the fence. I know mine isn't "rational".....okay, tell me. Love to all, Bill
 ashley1861
Joined: 11/6/2004
Msg: 12
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Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 4/30/2006 4:55:55 PM
I would do it again in a heartbeat. It's how you deal with it.
Like raising a child... the second time around, one feels a wee bit like an expert.

Not dancing the dance is more a loss than getting your feet stepped on.
Not loving someone soooo worth your love, time; the honor of being with them... is more devastating.

The highs are greater than the lows.
 miss44
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 13
Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 4/30/2006 5:58:33 PM
Speaking as a widow myself it seems that most people are afraid to date someone who is widowed. I don't understand this, knowing some one stayed with their spouse and cared for them till the end should be a plus not a minus. Widows have shown that they stay through thick and thin. We are people like everybody else. We have the same feelings as every other adult. We want someone to love and care for and love and care for us. Most of us never dreamed we would be single again. Being single was not our decision so why does it seem that we are being punished for something out of our control. No one wants you replace thier deceased spouse because it can't be done. Just looking for love
 Tarheel1943
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 14
Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 4/30/2006 6:09:04 PM
Aw, Bill, that was a very sweet reply. Too bad I'm too old to contact you; I was looking for Vinny's email address.

By the way, no widow is going to expect that you take the place of her late husband. Most of us, however shell- shocked, have good feelings about men in general. We wouldn't be on this site, however tentatively, if we hadn't had a good experience with our late husbands.

Thanks for being honest when you say you "felt different toward her". We know that happens.

Kay
 nc6604
Joined: 3/6/2006
Msg: 15
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Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/30/2006 6:57:01 PM
My 25 year relationship/marriage had significant highs and lows before we finally got it right. Then it bottomed out, i.e., her doing the death thing. I wonder if I have the time or emotional energy that may be needed to develop and sustain a good relationship. Since I'm also still very much in the grief process, I have no idea when/if I might be able to move into actively seeking a new relationship. I am reminded of the Groucho Marx line "...I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
 grammieh5
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 16
Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 5/1/2006 5:50:02 AM
" it was strange to see his clothes in Dads closet "

Bill...I certainly understand the comment you made...I was seeing an old male friend that my husband and I had known for many yrs...well to make a long story short my son as much as he wants to see me happy... he can't see me with another male figure....I know at some point he will get used to it....

It's funny there is so much conversation that can be had on this topic...I can't imagine why you would look at someone different because they are a widow/er...did we grow a 3rd eye... everyone at some point has expierenced a loss...wether it be a parent, and animal, friend, etc....we move on...we remember the good the bad and the ugly....so once a person decides to start to date again...hopefully it's because they are ready and are in a place in there life to move forward....

 flgirl51
Joined: 4/30/2006
Msg: 17
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 5/1/2006 7:53:30 AM
I lost my husband 1-1/2 years ago after 32 years of marriage. My first thought was I just could not go through losing someone like that again, it just hurts to much. Now my thinking has turned to, well it might be nice to have a friend to enjoy dinner with or go to a movie. Sooo, I went on my first date last weekend, met him thru another online dating site. He was a very nice person, but now I'm thinking again maybe I'm not ready for dating again yet. Then again maybe I just spend to much time thinking!wink:

My husband was 13 years older than me, so I do think if I were to become involved again I'd look for someone closer to my age.:
 faithful1957
Joined: 9/3/2006
Msg: 18
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/12/2006 8:35:44 PM
I lost my husband of 25 years back in 1998 and did find a wonderful man and loved again only to lose him after 8 years to a major heart attact. But i will love again..My Dad always told me no pain no gain..1 minute your in heaven and the next your in hell..So live for today and love like theres no tomorrow....
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 19
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Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/12/2006 8:38:55 PM
SwampAngel - you are perfectly normal in this worry. It will fade with time, but you probably will never rush into a relationship with someone who already has a serious, active disease.

Oh yes, 15 years is enough.
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 20
Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/13/2006 7:58:12 AM

Speaking as a widow myself it seems that most people are afraid to date someone who is widowed...........We are people like everybody else. We have the same feelings as every other adult............Being single was not our decision so why does it seem that we are being punished for something out of our control?


After my husband passed away I was surrounded by people offering condolences and words of comfort. " If there's anything you need....just call. We're here for you anytime"
After the funeral, I entered " societal limbo" and after a time, I was relatively forgotton by others, ignored by former firends and relatives who had once known "us" as a couple. My social life, as I had known it, became like a stone. Stones don't float. They sink to the bottom of the pool.
Unfortunately, widows/widowers are not popular in our couple-oriented society.We are looked upon as a fifth wheel or as a threat to other's that we may be looking to steal someone's elses spouse.
I tend to think that men, who become widowers, are seen as a " hot commodity" Widows, on the other hand, make an entrance, not only into widowhood, but into obscurity and loneliness.


Greatest fears of dating them


Beats me? When you date a widow/widower you don't have to deal with a living,breathing EX, with an agenda.

Muskoka
 spiritangel577
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 21
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 8:08:01 AM
I became a widow in may of 2006 after a 4 yr illness of which I also took care of him alone, It was an honor for me to do that we had 28 yrs of marriage together and I wasn't ready to have it end, I now miss the company of a man in my life and yes I am afraid to start dating, not because I would be afraid it would happen again, but because I don't know if I could fairly give them a chance or if I would always compare them to my husband. Who by the way was a great man, I know I could never love another as deeply as I loved him, but I do know I am human and the human heart has alot of love it can give and share, I have found that I no longer have the perfect heart because it is tattered and there are holes in it, but that is from giving and receiving love from it. I guess my only wish is to be able to add a piece of someone elses heart to one of the holes in mine.
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 22
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 8:52:15 AM
^^^^ It takes time to heal. Give yourself lots of time. When the time is right, someone will fill that hole
 SOBEIT19
Joined: 10/15/2006
Msg: 23
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Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 2:58:06 PM
My greatest fear is not being able to get the picture of my husband out of my head.. If someone kisses me, or even tries to kiss me, I feel like I'm cheating. It's been three years. Another big fear, is being left alone again if I remarry and that spouse dies.

Not being able to find someone who is the equal of my husband, bad habits and all. I'm not comparing, or I don't think I am, but if I bring someone in my life, I want as good, or better than what I had.. Not finding someone I can share as great a love and friendship with as I did my deceased husband
 A10sFrau
Joined: 5/9/2006
Msg: 24
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 5:18:11 PM
Jim had been dead approx. 1 1/2 years, and I had begun contemplating dating again. I had WLS and lost a LOT of weight, and changed my lifestyle to a very active one. My kids were almost gone (from the house).

Then in June my daughter died unexpectedly. I am far more crippled by her death than by my husband's. I nursed 'til he passed, but I knew what was coming. I didn't have the chance to nurse Cody or contemplate living without her.

Now I THINK I want to date, but shy away when I actually find someone who seems to be interested. I think I am handicapping myself. One fellow had had two heart attacks. Shy away. Another had bad knees. Shy away.

At least I am aware of it. This may also pass.

Good luck to us all.

A10sfrau
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 25
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Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 6:44:27 PM

Widows, on the other hand, make an entrance, not only into widowhood, but into obscurity and loneliness.

The HELL I will!

I may never
lock into another marriage or LTR, but I'll be DAMNED if I'll enter into obscurity and loneliness!

OP, I cannot speak DIRECTLY to your fears, My DH died very suddenly,closest I got to 'caregiving' was CPR, to no avail.

But I can understand that fear, to some extent. But do not let it cripple you!
I suspect that in your case, you might be still suffering some leftover fatigue and burnout, so just relax, have fun, don't push yourself into a relationship you don't really want.

You can only become obscure and lonely if you ALLOW that to happen!
Cindy O
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